Am I being stupid? The OW is back

[Hiimsoshi]

Hi all. 
 

Husband had an affair a couple of years ago. We’ve tried to move past it. Discovered the affair because the ow messaged him and I saw..I then saw the hundreds of messages between them. 
 

a couple of nights ago, for the first time in a long time, my husband went out with some friends. He isn’t a big drinker so when he drinks it tends to affect him quite quickly. 
 

obviously the trust in our marriage was damaged because of what happened before so please don’t judge me for this - when he came back he left his phone out on the side and for the first time, in a very long time - I had a look. No messages to her. No WhatsApp’s to her. No emails.

i then looked in his contacts. There she was. He kept her number. 
 

I have people’s number in my phone that I have no intention of speaking to, I’m sure a lot of people do. But her number? Are you joking? You wouldn’t keep and never use would you? 

[boltnrun]

When this question was posted before (several times) the general consensus was that yes, he keeps her contact info for a reason and that reason is to make contact.

Did you two agree that he would have no further contact with her? How about asking him why he still has her number?

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, Hiimsoshi said:

He kept her number.  You wouldn’t keep and never use would you? 

Sorry to hear this. Once a cheater, always a cheater. When you "get past it" it basically gives him a free pass to continue because you condoned it.

[Lambert]

Without trust there isn't much left.

That's why so many relationships end over cheating.

People who are honest with themselves know, it's just too much to deal with. 

So here you are... checking his phone. Asking what a number means.

It can mean anything.  he has it just in case.  he has it because he still sees her but is smart enough to delete the evidence. he forgot it was there... we don't know.  only he does.  

how are you supposed to break from this and go on?  I hope you find the strength to leave.  This is no way to live. 

[Fudgie]

I do believe that reconciliation after infidelity is possible, however, it takes a long, long time and requires commitment from both sides. Also, if he's committed to earning your trust back, then he needs to be willing to give you access to all things and complete transparency and it sounds like that didn't happen.

OP, how did you two "try to move past it". Did either or both of you attend therapy? What resources did you seek out?

[lostandhurt]

Let me say this one thing.  If a person was serious and truly remorseful for cheating and trying to repair the betrayal that person would do anything and everything to help rebuild the shattered trust and that includes deleting all contacts and blocking them on everything.

He did not do that did he?

Lost

[HeartGoesOn]

This sounds like a "fool me once shame on you, "fool me twice shame on me" type of issue.  The chances of working through infidelity are slim to none, (imo).

That said, it's possible he may go on to do a better job of covering his tracks.  Could you live like that?

[Confused915]

5 hours ago, Hiimsoshi said:

Hi all. 
 

Husband had an affair a couple of years ago. We’ve tried to move past it. Discovered the affair because the ow messaged him and I saw..I then saw the hundreds of messages between them. 
 

a couple of nights ago, for the first time in a long time, my husband went out with some friends. He isn’t a big drinker so when he drinks it tends to affect him quite quickly. 
 

obviously the trust in our marriage was damaged because of what happened before so please don’t judge me for this - when he came back he left his phone out on the side and for the first time, in a very long time - I had a look. No messages to her. No WhatsApp’s to her. No emails.

i then looked in his contacts. There she was. He kept her number. 
 

I have people’s number in my phone that I have no intention of speaking to, I’m sure a lot of people do. But her number? Are you joking? You wouldn’t keep and never use would you? 

No way ..that’s so wrong .. really do they text? And he deletes?

[Rose Mosse]

Even if he didn't have her listed in his contacts, he could have written it down or stored it somewhere where you wouldn't see it. The unresolved pain adds to this hurt now - it's in your face, more apparent, that if he wanted to cheat (or if you, for that matter, wanted to cheat also) he could.

I agree the respectful thing to do would be to block and also delete that number. I also hope, OP, you realize there are plentiful ways for people to get in touch if they really wanted to. If that trust isn't there out of sight out of mind will only work for so long before something like this comes up and I'm sorry that you have to go through any of it at all.

 

[Pleasedonot5]

Hey, OP. You said there are no new messages, calls, or emails. This means he has not been in contact with her -- unless he is adept at hiding it. However, her number is still there. That probably means he never took the active step to delete her number the first time.

When you found the infidelity back then, what ground rules were established moving forward? The expectation was probably that he should not be in contact with her again: no meetups, no calls, no messages, etc. But was it expected that he delete her name from the contact list in his phone? If so, of course, still having it there breaks the rules. If not, he may just not have thought deleting the contact info was expected or necessary.

The reason I am coming about this in a different way than other posters is because I still have numbers of people with whom I have had fallings out. Ex-gfs, old flings, even the number of a recent date who disrespected me in the bedroom. Yet, I don't plan on calling or texting them moving forward. Keeping a number doesn't mean anything to me. In my eyes, it is just stored information. The only difference between having or not having a contact saved in one's phone is that if the subject person calls or texts, the recipient will probably know who it is. 

-- 

Hope this helps. 

[poorlittlefish]

I know it might not be the "right" thing to do, but I'd have deleted her number and waited how long it would take for him to ask about it - if he dared.  He's kept her number for a reason and that reason is not for getting his marriage back on track.

[Fudgie]

4 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

I know it might not be the "right" thing to do, but I'd have deleted her number and waited how long it would take for him to ask about it - if he dared.  He's kept her number for a reason and that reason is not for getting his marriage back on track.

I'm going to be honest, I would have done this too. 

[smackie9]

he's still talking to her don't kid yourself. Once they know you have them on your radar, they just hide things better. It's as easy as having a burner phone. That's how Gene Simmons did it.

[Justsomeone]

An unfaithful person will always find ways to contact other romantic interests. From an experience, you don’t even need a phone number. They could contact them on social media or a voice app. A love interest from my past started contacting me on social media after many years and I found out he’s married even though he lied about it at the start and he didn’t even need my number with so many forms of communication mediums available. Communication with that has ceased since.

So how can you reassure he’s not in contact with her just because you don’t  see texts or call history. I’m sure phone bills would show a different story (I’m not sure if they still put every phone number dialled these days on phone bills. I’m old school)

Echoing about trust, once it’s gone, it becomes a struggle to maintain a healthy happy relationship and it will break you down if it hasn’t already. It’s mental torture and it’s better to move on and start healing if you both can’t move forward together in your marriage.

[tattoobunnie]

I add to the block list, and delete the contact.  He may have been deleting texts since he's gotten smarter.

[redswim30]

I'll cut to the chase- 

He doesn't love or respect you. 

You don't trust him and seeing as you feel the continued need to snoop, you likely know won't be able to trust him again. 

Get divorced.  Why delay the inevitable?