He tells me something shocking and gets mad at my response

[Jen_1016]

I've been in a relationship for over 18 months with a man who I dated 20 years ago.  We reconnected through social media when I was going through a divorce.  I say we had a very good relationship with lots of love.  We planned a future together.  Almost a week ago, he tells me something about his past.  He worked in a gay bar as a dancer and he told me that men fondled him and from what he hinted possibly more but did not share that with me.  I was shocked and confused.  His misinterpreted my facial expression as disgust. He got very upset.  I did send him an apology text telling him I was just shocked and not prepared for what he just confessed.  And I truly wasn't judging him or giving him any look.   Through text, he said he needs time to think.  2 days later he sent another text stating he needs additional time.  I called him and  finally he  picked up. I'm worried about him because he is bi polar.  And not medicating right now. He said he can't get the image of my face out of his head.  That he just doesn't know if he wants to stay I the relationship or go.  He said he is too deeply hurt and that he needs time to not hurt anymore.

I've apologized 3 times telling him that's not how I felt.   I'm giving him space but how long do I wait?  Do I even want to be with someone that can't communicate?  But I'm madly in love with him and want to be with him.  Is this the end if so I need to start to heal.

 

[LaHermes]

3 minutes ago, Jen_1016 said:

I'm worried about him because he is bi polar.  And not medicating right now.

Jen. This is far more worrying than his past employment as a dancer in a gay bar. 

Let him go Jen. 

[MissCanuck]

4 minutes ago, Jen_1016 said:

Almost a week ago, he tells me something about his past.

I am wondering why he brought this up now, 18 months into the relaitonship. What led to this conversation?

5 minutes ago, Jen_1016 said:

He worked in a gay bar as a dancer and he told me that men fondled him and from what he hinted possibly more

Anyone would probably be shocked to hear such a thing from their partner if they had no previous inkling of their sexual preferences. I think he is being unfair to you in getting this upset at your reaction. 

 

7 minutes ago, Jen_1016 said:

That he just doesn't know if he wants to stay I the relationship or go.  He said he is too deeply hurt and that he needs time to not hurt anymore.

Do you think there's any chance he dropped this bomb in your lap and manufactured conflcit to wiggle his way out of the relaitonship but be able to blame you? 

[boltnrun]

Why is he not being treated for his bipolar?

[Seraphim]

As a person who was raised by someone who was unmedicated for Bipolar I would run like the wind. Yes, I would work with someone medicated but not not medicated Nope nope nope, I am out. 

[HeartGoesOn]

My guess is he already had one foot out the door, and he used that as his ticket out.  Also, I could be wrong, but I don't feel this is associated with him being bi-polar.

Time will tell, but I would certainly cut the deck.

[Coily]

Untreated Bi Polar is a bad place to start, then start with getting non-communicative upset over a reaction to a bombshell; has bad news written all over it. Any one of those things will strain a relationship, but he's given you the trifecta of a bad decision to continue seeing him.

Also honestly when someone needs time to think, and won't engage in any conversation they're looking for an out most likely.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Jen_1016 said:

He worked in a gay bar as a dancer and he told me that men fondled him and from what he hinted possibly more but did not share that with me. 

Sorry this happened. Agree it was an exit ramp. However be grateful you dodged a bullet of this magnitude. Untreated bipolar disorder and man-on-man (paid) sexual activity.

First of all get to a physician for STD testing. You have no idea if he is bisexual and/or had man-on-man sex as a sex worker, possibly had drug issues he was financing as a sex worker.

Do not apologize or chase. You have every right to feel shocked by this revelation.

Don't worry about his mental illness, he has friends, family and there's ERs and mental health helplines.

This whole mess is way above your pay grade. Perhaps you were vulnerable right after your divorce and you thought there was familiarity, but this should be a deal-breaker for you.

This level of deceit is obnoxious. Of course he turned it on you when he should apologize for not being upfront about his male sex-work. (don't kid yourself, he was not just dancing around in a G-string)

[Jen_1016]

All tests were negative.  He claims this happened 15 yrs ago.  I know what needs to be done regarding this relationship.  It really helps to hear it from others.  You know in your heart what's best but sometimes it just takes someone else's view to confirm the inevitable.  He said his bipolar is in remission??

[boltnrun]

"Remission"? Is that what his psychiatrist or medical doctor told him? Or did he make that up?

Anyway, yes, someone who behaves this way is not a solid partner.

Don't let fear of the unknown or loneliness after your divorce cause you to attach yourself to the wrong people.

[Rose Mosse]

He may be insulted because he's repressed those urges or desires or interests in same=sex interactions for a long time or it brings back homophobic memories in the past. Either way he has unsorted issues and isn't partner material. 

What he chose to do for his work is his prerogative. People are judged way too harshly for that. If he danced in a gay bar, he danced in a gay bar. It's up to the other person whether you can accept that as a partner.

If you made a face, it might have been one of shock and confusion and it was misinterpreted easily by a sensitive/insecure person. 

I don't think you should wait around for someone who has difficulties accepting his past, his identity or isn't receiving treatment or support needed for his health/being bipolar. 

[Lambert]

Honestly, you need to end this relationship.

I don't think you are thinking straight... you got with him while going through a divorce.

Its very easy to transfer unhealed emotions and hopes and dreams from your past relationship to the new one.

18 mos is probably about right to finding out who and how a person really is.... 

His past gay lifestyle or whatever you want to call it, is a much smaller problem when you are dealing with a healthy, happy man that wants to build with you. 

What you have in front of you is a lot of excuses to put the breaks on. You made a face. He needs time to not be hurt anymore.  what? 

Oh and by the way, he's off his meds.

This is not a good guy for you. He's making his problems your problems and a good partner doesn't do that. 

you apologized and that is all you can do.  he's not answering your calls and making you crazy. Stop this. 

Wish him the best and move on. Be single for a while.  Get your priorities for a life long relationship straight. You'll find someone better.

This guy is not the guy. Don't entertain this nonsense. 

[waffle]

4 hours ago, Jen_1016 said:

. . .  how long do I wait?  

 

You don't.  You take control of your own life and move it along, he doesn't get a say.

[Bothered2021]

Well, I would be shocked. And I am terrible with hiding my expressions. If I am feeling something, everyone can see it on my face. I could understand him being upset because it’s been a secret he probably was scared to tell anyone and your reaction may have hurt his feelings. But you apologized. I feel like he is overreacting. Needing all this time because you reacted with shock to a shocking confession? There must be more going on. Possibly the bipolar. Maybe he was unsure about you guys to begin with. Maybe he was telling you that and was eventually going to tell you he maybe bisexual or something and your reaction made him feel like you wouldn’t accept him. I could be way off, I just don’t know why it would bring him to this extreme 

[Confused915]

12 hours ago, Jen_1016 said:

I've been in a relationship for over 18 months with a man who I dated 20 years ago.  We reconnected through social media when I was going through a divorce.  I say we had a very good relationship with lots of love.  We planned a future together.  Almost a week ago, he tells me something about his past.  He worked in a gay bar as a dancer and he told me that men fondled him and from what he hinted possibly more but did not share that with me.  I was shocked and confused.  His misinterpreted my facial expression as disgust. He got very upset.  I did send him an apology text telling him I was just shocked and not prepared for what he just confessed.  And I truly wasn't judging him or giving him any look.   Through text, he said he needs time to think.  2 days later he sent another text stating he needs additional time.  I called him and  finally he  picked up. I'm worried about him because he is bi polar.  And not medicating right now. He said he can't get the image of my face out of his head.  That he just doesn't know if he wants to stay I the relationship or go.  He said he is too deeply hurt and that he needs time to not hurt anymore.

I've apologized 3 times telling him that's not how I felt.   I'm giving him space but how long do I wait?  Do I even want to be with someone that can't communicate?  But I'm madly in love with him and want to be with him.  Is this the end if so I need to start to heal.

 

He probably slept with men during his manic state and that’s something you will have to ask yourself. 

[MissCanuck]

12 hours ago, Jen_1016 said:

He claims this happened 15 yrs ago.

And so why did he bring it up now? 

[Jen_1016]

4 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

And so why did he bring it up now? 

I don't know 

[MissCanuck]

4 minutes ago, Jen_1016 said:

I don't know 

Let me rephrase it a little: what were you talking about that led him to make this revelation? 

Or did he just approach you out of the blue with  "Honey, sit down, I have something to tell you"?

[smackie9]

He's an unmedicated bi-polar, that had sexual encounters with random gay men while working, and loses his mind on you. Now that's a deal breaker if I have ever heard one.

[LaHermes]

20 hours ago, Jen_1016 said:

But I'm madly in love with him and want to be with him. 

It wouldn't work Jen. Take the good advice being offered here. 

[Jen_1016]

23 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Let me rephrase it a little: what were you talking about that led him to make this revelation? 

Or did he just approach you out of the blue with  "Honey, sit down, I have something to tell you"?

We were having a light hearted conversation and just said it.

[LaHermes]

So, Jen, what are you going to do?

[Jen_1016]

3 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

So, Jen, what are you going to do?

I've taken this week with no contact to re- evaluate what I need and want in  a future healthy relationship.  He came into my life as a great distraction from everything going on with my divorce.   I'm going to start seeing a counselor that deals with divorce so that I can build a healthy co parenting relationship with my ex husband.  

[MissCanuck]

19 minutes ago, Jen_1016 said:

We were having a light hearted conversation and just said it.

I honestly think he was looking for a way to break up with you, and make it your "fault." 

 

[LaHermes]

1 hour ago, Jen_1016 said:

I'm going to start seeing a counselor that deals with divorce so that I can build a healthy co parenting relationship with my ex husband.  

Very good idea Jen. Clear thinking.  The best of luck going forward.