Having a Hard Time Going No Contact After Break Up, I Still Care About My Ex GF

[girltalkCA]

Broke with my gf about 3 days ago and having a hard time going NC. Mainly because the last words we exchanged was that she was being admitted into a mental hospital (not rehab where she initially wanted to go ) and that she needed to stay there for 24hrs and get her dr's "clearance" before going into rehab. She texted me she would try her best to let me know when she was going to the rehab place.  I haven't heard anything since (that was Tuesday night) and I can't help but wonder how she is doing. Maybe her parents realized she was on the verge of (or even having ) another episode so created this scenario so that she would go willingly back into the hospital?  I'm not sure.  I still care a lot about her, I still love her, and I know she still loves me. There is a part of me that just wants to know how she's doing and if she ever made it to rehab or if something else is happening.  I just want to know that she is OK. Feels like I am trying to get a taste of the "roller coaster" again, even though I'm off of it. I am doing things to move on with my life. We said we could try and stay friends at some point. What point can that happen?

Any advice on how to handle? How do you cope with not knowing and sticking to NC?  

When does it make sense to try a friendship?

 

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, girltalkCA said:

she was being admitted into a mental hospital (not rehab where she initially wanted to go ) and that she needed to stay there for 24hrs and get her dr's "clearance" before going into rehab.

She's in good hands with the professionals she needs. "How she's doing" is up to her health care providers.

Leave her alone. She is possibly advised to not communicate with toxic people in her life.

You are not next of kin, therefore you need to have trust and faith in things and leave her alone to take care of her issues with her professionals and her family.

You as well may want to start to consider taking care of our own issues and mental health rather than making her your  distraction from your unaddressed issues.

[MissCanuck]

10 minutes ago, girltalkCA said:

When does it make sense to try a friendship?

For most exes, it never makes sense. Some manage it, after a long time apart, but for the majority, it doesn't happen. There needn't be hard feelings but exes usually eventually drift apart and move on to others, leaving their former partners in the past. Contact fizzles. There's just no reason to stay friends for most. In your case with all the toxicity and drama with your ex, it is best to not try to be friends again. It likely will not ever really work. Your future respective partners will not like it, either. 

12 minutes ago, girltalkCA said:

Any advice on how to handle?

Patience. A lot of patience, with yourself and the process of healing. You've just ended this, so it's going to take a lot longer than a couple days to adjust. Weeks, even months. But you have to have faith that you will be able to manage. 

[smackie9]

She was an important part of your life, and you invested everything of yourself in the relationship, so yes of course you are missing her. You are going through the grieving process. You lost something big. It will take time for these feeling to fade. They say to keep busy, be happy, take care of yourself. You will get through this.

[boltnrun]

You are used to the extreme drama so of course your life is going to seem boring and empty. And of course you still care about her! You two just broke up.

I would first off look into some professional help for your extreme fear of being single and unlovable. And yes, keep busy with work, friends and family.

And don't leap on trying to be "friends" with your ex as a bandaid or distraction. You are nowhere near ready to try being friends because you are still enmeshed.  

She is in good professional hands. Time to take care of you. 

[Cherylyn]

Your wounds are still fresh and sore.  I'm sorry.  It's only been 3 days since your breakup. 

You handle it by remaining unemotional and pragmatic.  You cope by remembering that you broke up with her and once you break up, the dynamics of the relationship suddenly changes drastically.  You stick to NC by forcing yourself to have self control.  Then over time, weeks, months and years will make it easier to stick to NC.  You have to remain patient.

It wouldn't be mentally healthy to envision the prospect of friendship, entertain the idea of friendship or actually rekindle for the purpose of friendship.  It's better to make a clean break and eventually, she will become "out of sight, out of mind" for you.  It's a process and you have to establish a new habit for yourself.  Moving on means no longer engaging with a person who will dredge up constant, endless negative memories for both of you.

Even though my story is not the same as yours, I see parallels to how I felt when I had to break away from a person.  Initially, it's very difficult to go NC.  With practice, it gets easier to let go and eventually you'll feel numb and indifferent.  It takes time as in months and years before you're comfortable with truly moving on with your life and respecting her breakup with you so she too can move on with her life.

Keep in mind, you're not responsible for her life, not responsible for caring about her and the healthiest thing for you to do is to cut ties permanently.  It is severe but many times, you have to act drastically in order to heal and concentrate on your own life as she does with hers. 

Look at the situation from a different lens and then it will all make sense to you. 

[LaHermes]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

In your case with all the toxicity and drama with your ex, it is best to not try to be friends again. It likely will not ever really work.

Must agree with Ms. Canuck.  It is important, OP, indeed vital, that you look to yourself get help for your issues so that as a psychologically healthy person you will at  some future time you enter a healthy relationship.

And fully endorse what Bolt says

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

I would first off look into some professional help for your extreme fear of being single and unlovable.

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

You are used to the extreme drama so of course your life is going to seem boring and empty.

At first life will seem lacklustre after the garish technicolour of the drama-rama relationship. 

Keep very busy, maybe take up some pursuit/sport/leisure interest which never occurred to you before, and whatever you do please do not sit within the four walls, as that will send you on a downward slide.

[SooSad33]

She is in good hands now.  You can relax.

Is good she's stepped up for some help.

As mentioned, back away, be respectful.. let her work on HERSELF.  No challenges, expectations.

You do your own thing... yes, keep busy.  Journal all you want to say etc.

And IF you are feeling lost within yourself, for sure seek some prof help, yourself.

Give yourself a good break to focus on YOU for a while.. work on getting back to good.  Do not seek anyone else until then.

Is best to expect no more.  Is very difficult to try & be 'friends' with an ex.. That just hinders your own attempts on accepting what is and healing.. moving on, etc.

So, one day at a time.. things will get better with time.

[Rose Mosse]

I'd take it in one ear/out the other. She may have told you about rehab as a spun story to keep you on the hook and interested in her life. 

One of the most annoying things about an ex is one who keeps contacting wondering if you are doing ok. 

The break up was only three days ago so I think the person you should be doing a check in with is yourself and put yourself first. She has others to look out for her if anything she says is true. 

 

[lostandhurt]

3 hours ago, girltalkCA said:

Any advice on how to handle? How do you cope with not knowing and sticking to NC?  

When does it make sense to try a friendship?

-Stay busy and reconnect with old friends that you drifted away from during the relationship. Read some of your old posts to remind yourself why you had to break up with her.

- In a word NEVER.  No good will come from it, especially with this woman.  It will only prolong the pain and could very well ruin something good with a new person in your life.

Keep posting

 Lost

[LaHermes]

Just now, lostandhurt said:

In a word NEVER.  No good will come from it, especially with this woman.  It will only prolong the pain and could very well ruin something good with a new person in your life.

That is the truth OP.  Forget "friendship"- All it would lead to is more heartache and pain, stuck again in the quicksands of an unstable relationship.  Hard as it will be you have no choice but to push forward.  Take the advice given here.  Find yourself. Become courageous.  It can be done. 

[Lambert]

I think your feelings are pretty typical of a break up.  And then you add in the mental health issues.... there's no way you would not feel like you need to know or need to check.  

But.... this is a big part of breaking up.  Sure your feelings don't just shut off like a faucet.  however, it's best to have a clean break and that line in the sand where you aren't there for her.  This is where it starts. 

You start by talking to yourself with kindness.  Like a good friend.  Reassure yourself that she is or was at a hospital.  The best place for her.  She has her family and doctors.  She will continue on her path.  You are on yours.

It is hard to know what to think, especially when dealing with someone with mental health issues.  You don't know if she is saying things to get a reaction.  So you have to be that good friend to yourself and control yourself.  As that is the only thing you can control.

Try spending some time with friends or family.  Take a break from this.  Care for yourself.  Maybe go get a massage or buy something fun-- new shoes or a redecorate something.  Create a little project for yourself.  Get a pet if you don't have one.  These are little distractions but they help.  Because life goes on. 

Given time you will see.  You just have to hold on for now.  And keep the drama at bay.  Break ups are horrible.  Try to be an observer of your own life.  Reserve judgment and just be chill with yourself.  Until you can't.  Then have a little cry.  maybe a bowl of ice cream.

it'll be ok.  ❤️

[catfeeder]

You're brave, and you're grieving. Grief is never comfortable, and it's a process.

Consider researching the 5 stages of grief by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. These originally were applied to death and dying, but they've since been adopted as a working model by contemporary therapists for any form of grief.

These include denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance, however, these are not neat and linear stages. Rather they are fluid, cyclical, often combined together and repeated until you work through different aspects of each stage.

The idea of a friendship is a form a bargaining, even while the idea of staying connected is a form of denial, and these are distractions from anger and depression, where you're not yet ready to go.

You'll see aspects of these stages fluid and fluctuating, and the point isn't to identify them so much as to recognize that you're not going crazy--it just feels that way sometimes.

Grief isn't easy, but you do have some control over how much you want to torture yourself with it.

Consider ways to project your focus toward your FUTURE and create goals to move yourself toward that vision.

Head high, and I think you know that you did the right thing.