I Don't Know What To Do Next

[Chicken111]

I have done terrible things to my girlfriend in the past. It stirred from me having people I had slept with still on my Instagram, people who were my friends. At the time I didn't see it as an issue just because I was no longer sleeping with, or even seeing them in real life. I still don't know if it was right or wrong, but I understand why she thought it was wrong. It caused a horrible mess. I did lie about my intentions to get rid of them, and I also gaslit as well. It was never my intention, but I did think we resolved all this as it happened months ago.

I am stuck on what to do next because she is unsure if she still wants to be with me or not, and every time I ask she says "so you can plan your next ***?" I have told her how hurtful this is because of things I told her about my past. Its making me feel like I'm wrong for asking what we are doing next? Because for both of our sakes, I think we need to know, or at least know that she doesn't know yet. She keeps calling and arguments and accusations against me are going around in circles, untrue accusations that I am scolded for if I tell her they are untrue, but I understand why she thinks them because she doesn't trust me and I can understand why.

Earlier yesterday I tried to take a stand. I told her that I am uninstalling WhatsApp, but to know she can call me if she needs anything. I did want to give her some space to think, but she won't accept the space I'm trying to give. I was also going to send her a letter and allow her to send one back if and when she is ready. 

I just don't know what the right thing to do is. I know I still want to be with her and make things ok, and I am accountable and have heard and understood everything she has said but its been non-stop now for almost 5 days. I'm really stuck on what the right thing to do is.

[Rose Mosse]

She doesn't seem able to keep her anger and jealousy in check so be wary dating someone like this. Every issue is a big issue or blown out of proportion. She's angry because of people you've slept with in the past? If you lied don't do it again and move on. 

You'll have to make up your mind about whether you want to keep being abused verbally and emotionally for your past. Turn over a new leaf and end the relationship if it's too unhealthy.

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, Chicken111 said:

she says "so you can plan your next ***?"  She keeps calling and arguments and accusations against me are going around in circles

You need to pull the plug. This lying, gaslighting, whatever was never forgiven, forgotten or resolved so now she's just beating you up over it.

[SooSad33]

31 minutes ago, Chicken111 said:

I have done terrible things to my girlfriend in the past. It stirred from me having people I had slept with still on my Instagram, people who were my friends.

IF they are 'true friends' and that is all, is there a need to rid of them?

What 'terrible' stuff have you done, other than lie about removing them?

She does sound rather 'nasty' towards you as she is ignoring you?  Then is maybe best to just let her go... Do you want to keep feeling 'guilt' over not removing some 'friends'? 

[tattoobunnie]

35 minutes ago, Chicken111 said:

I have done terrible things to my girlfriend in the past.

Other than having some past sex partners on your Instagram, what terrible things did you do? Lie about getting rid of them?

[Chicken111]

Thank you for the replies everyone. Yes I lied about getting rid of them, and I did want to eventually because I did always think it was a bit wrong. 

[Jibralta]

4 minutes ago, Chicken111 said:

Yes I lied about getting rid of them, and I did want to eventually because I did always think it was a bit wrong. 

So did you delete the contacts now?

[smackie9]

Go clean out your closets, your backyard, etc before inviting her back. It's time to start fresh and go forward making new memories, new friends, etc. 

[Chicken111]

24 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

So did you delete the contacts now?

I did, so many months ago. They are all gone now.

[Rose Mosse]

10 minutes ago, Chicken111 said:

I did, so many months ago. They are all gone now.

Okay. Good riddance then. Out with the old, in with the new. That means also a new girlfriend. Don't date for awhile and take a break. 

[Kwothe28]

I thought you at least cheated her with her best friend or something. All this over not deleting past lovers on Instagram? People that you dont even talk? That is really not some inexusable sin you need to repent from.

Tell her that you did that months ago and ask if she could accept it and not give you hard times about in future. If she cant, well, good ridance. You dont need somebody who would give you hard times and question your every word every time you talk over something that is ultimately not that bad. 

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Chicken111 said:

I did want to give her some space to think, but she won't accept the space I'm trying to give.

That's because she didn't ask for space. 

If you need space, fair enough. But own it. Don't try to take space under the guise of giving her space when she didn't indicate she wanted any. 

More to the point, though, I think your relationship is over. She does not trust you and it appears she wants to continue to punish you. She chose to stay even though she doesn't trust you, so she has no right to accuse you of things you didn't do and create drama and use it against you. 

It would be better for you two to part ways and start afresh with other people. 

 

 

 

[Pleasedonot5]

Hey, OP. Sorry you are dealing with this. 

I'm not sure if it's just me, but I'm not sure what you did that was so wrong. I still follow many people I've slept with on social media and literally none of my partners have ever had an issue with it. You aren't interested in them and you've said you never even talk to them anymore. It's a non-issue.

I would like more information on how you believe you "gaslit" her. Ironically, I have witnessed many people accuse others of gaslighting and in effect gaslighting those others.

If you lied about removing people you slept with from Instagram - that wasn't good. But it sounds to me like you were under immense pressure from her and lied to get her off your back. 

My overall take on this situation is that you are with an unreasonable, emotionally abusive partner. She is accusing you of everything under the sun and blatantly disrespecting you. She must think really low of you if she actually thinks you're planning your next booty call when you ask what her intentions are moving forward. 

I think you need to break up with her, block her on everything, and find someone who is more deserving of you as a partner. 

[lostandhurt]

Once again keeping past sexual partners around as "friends" has struck again.  She is probably more upset about the lying since it makes you look shady.

Right now she is hurt so she wants you to hurt like she is thus the punishment she doles out when you talk.  If you want to stay with her then let her vent at you and just listen.  No defending yourself, no correcting her and no more apologies. Every time you do any of those things you throw fuel on the fire so stop and let her burn out. Use words like "You are right"  "I know, I am embarrassed I was so _______"

This will take the wind out of her sails fast.  Then she might ask what you plan on doing to be a better bf. If she does you should know what you ARE doing right now, not what you PLAN on doing.  "I have already  bought a book on ________ and I am half way through" 

You kept women around you knew she wouldn't be happy about and then you lied about it.  She is pissed and hurt but that doesn't mean you are her punching bag forever. 

  Lost

[Unsure2021]

I would’ve dumped you if I were her. You broke her trust by lying. If you didn’t want to delete your exes you should’ve stated that instead of lying about it. Now it looks like you have something to hide and that you can’t be trusted. I would leave this relationship and do better on the next one.

[Chicken111]

Thank you for your comments everyone, and your honesty as well. I don't think there's any hope for us anymore but I want her to be okay, I want her to be safe and I don't want us to leave resenting each other because I still love her very much and she says she still loves me too. But maybe that's too unrealistic. In our many conversations on the phone yesterday she shamed me for excepting accountability, she said I was disgusting when I said I want her to be okay. 

She is not well at the moment. For the last three weeks before all of this she has been taking ketamins daily, between arguments she has said so herself that she thinks she may just be on a huge come down. She is an addict and she isn't well and I just want her to be safe and okay. 

I'm at the stage now where I accept its over between us and that's okay, I understand. I just don't want to leave her life when shes feeling like this, but at the same time I don't know what the right thing to do is.

 

[Chicken111]

13 hours ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

I would like more information on how you believe you "gaslit" her. Ironically, I have witnessed many people accuse others of gaslighting and in effect gaslighting those others.

 

This is a good question, I've never been asked this before so thank you. It was so long ago now that I honestly don't remember the in's and outs entirely. When I first told her about these people, probably not in the best of ways but I did tell her about it she didn't have much of a response. I don't really know why I told her, maybe I just thought she had a right to know. Anyway, from there she kept asking me to remove them all. At first, I was against it and I told her this which was wrong of me. When she kept asking, I said I would do it. I removed some, which I did eventually, I should have done it much sooner. I don't recall ever saying I removed them all until much later when she had me go into the kitchen, but I did unintentionally miss a person out that time.

I think the root cause of her thinking I gaslit her was when I told her that sometimes she thinks things happened which didn't, which is a thousand percent something someone who would gaslight would say. 

I think she did the same to me, but I'm not very sure. An example from the other day; When we first met her ex boyfriends best friend was dying, and she said that I was worried she would start talking to him again. I was not though, and I told her that I didn't want her to not be there for him and she said she knows, then she said "but you said you were afraid I would didn't you?" To this I said "Did I? What did I say?" to which she did not answer. I know I never said I was afraid she would do that, maybe I didn't make it clear enough that I didn't mind if she wanted to be there for him but I never asked her not to be there for him.

[Pleasedonot5]

Personally, OP, I do not think you were wrong to resist her demands to delete old partners from social media. You do not need to delete old friends or flames from social media to make an insecure significant other feel better. It was a culpable attempt to gain control over your life and friendships, in my view. Her accusing you of gaslighting seems blameworthy also. 

To gaslight is defined as to "manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity." It is implied through the phrase "manipulate by psychological means" that this action be done deliberately. If someone (like your girlfriend) is actually stating untruths or something otherwise disagreeable, and you point out that she is doing that, that is probably not gaslighting. For instance, if she's accused you of cheating or constantly staying in contact with old FWBs, and you in reality have not been in contact with them, that would make your statement that "sometimes she thinks things happened which didn't" a true criticism. It is neither gaslighting nor manipulation at a basic level to identify reality. Gaslighting would be knowingly convincing someone that their reality isn't reality - and causing them as such to question their sanity.

You did do something wrong, but it probably wasn't gaslighting. Ordinarily, you should tell the truth. So, lying that you were going to delete these old partners or flames was not moral. However, I can understand why you did it. You were experiencing cognitive dissonance - and were probably under duress. On one hand, you wanted to make the person you love feel better. On the other hand, intuitively, you thought her having control over your social media wasn't right. The product of that dissonance and her persistence was a lie to get her off your back. The right thing to do would have been to firmly reiterate your boundary - but it isn't always easy to do that.

OP - in sum, I am worried for you. Though I acknowledge that I might not have all the facts (you may be selectively sharing facts), from what you have shared it sounds like you have been manipulated into thinking you're some awful boyfriend manipulator. Gaslighted into thinking you've gaslighted. When really the only thing you did wrong from my perspective was lie and not follow through under pressure.

Hope this helps.

[Rose Mosse]

11 hours ago, Chicken111 said:

Thank you for your comments everyone, and your honesty as well. I don't think there's any hope for us anymore but I want her to be okay, I want her to be safe and I don't want us to leave resenting each other because I still love her very much and she says she still loves me too. But maybe that's too unrealistic. In our many conversations on the phone yesterday she shamed me for excepting accountability, she said I was disgusting when I said I want her to be okay. 

She is not well at the moment. For the last three weeks before all of this she has been taking ketamins daily, between arguments she has said so herself that she thinks she may just be on a huge come down. She is an addict and she isn't well and I just want her to be safe and okay. 

I'm at the stage now where I accept its over between us and that's okay, I understand. I just don't want to leave her life when shes feeling like this, but at the same time I don't know what the right thing to do is.

I understand your care for her but it's inappropriate at this point. She doesn't trust you and wanting her to be ok/safe/not resenting each other is smothering, to say the least. Move on as best you can and sever those ties. If you have a codependent streak, be aware of it and be kind to yourself knowing what your weaknesses are. 

 

[Chicken111]

18 minutes ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

Hope this helps.

Thank you so much, this has really helped me a lot. 

Today we have not been in contacted as I have blocked her number. I have sent her a letter, and have given her the option to respond if she wants to or not. I may be smothering her and I've been debating if the letter was the right thing to do all day, but she is unwell and I don't want to just disappear. I will await the letters response and see what happens from there. I do think I have codependency issues though, and probably an unrealistic view on adult relationships as well.

Thank you so much everyone, especially those who have been brutally honest. It sounds silly but you've all been the most help, being that you're all so non bias. This is a good community of people, thank you 🙂  

[lostandhurt]

You left out the part where she is an addict on your original post.

 She needs support but you cannot save her from herself, only she can do that. Does she have family that are close?  Does she have non addict friends that will be there for her?

  I understand you not wanting to walk away and leave her in this time of need and stepping back but staying available if she needs you like you are doing sounds about all you can do for her right now.

  You know she was right to be mad about you keeping ex's around and then lying about it but this is much more than that isn't it?  I have a feeling there is way more to this story than the straw that broke the relationships back.

  How are you doing?  Are you an addict or just in love with one?

  Lost

[Chicken111]

32 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

You left out the part where she is an addict on your original post.

 

I purposely left it out at first feeling it irrelevant to the situation at hand, however it is very relevant in hindsight. There is a lot to the story, but I wouldn't feel right sharing it as a lot of it is personal to her. She does have friends and family around her who are not addicts, she has a lot of support.

I'm not doing very well. I'm really struggling. I am not an addict myself, however I have smoked weed with her in the past. I am desperately in love with her though. 

[DancingFool]

50 minutes ago, Chicken111 said:

I purposely left it out at first feeling it irrelevant to the situation at hand, however it is very relevant in hindsight. There is a lot to the story, but I wouldn't feel right sharing it as a lot of it is personal to her. She does have friends and family around her who are not addicts, she has a lot of support.

I'm not doing very well. I'm really struggling. I am not an addict myself, however I have smoked weed with her in the past. I am desperately in love with her though. 

I'm really glad to see that you recognize that her addiction issues are relevant because they are. Addiction can cause a ton of problems, including mood swings and aggression. Addict can be highly manipulative people and often suffer from other undiagnosed issues such as personality disorders or mental illness or both. Using drugs is too often a way to self medicate.

Problem is that these people are not relationship material. As much as you may feel the desire to be there for her and help, your help and relationship actually hinders her from getting the professional help that she really needs.

I'm sorry that you are hurting, but I sincerely hope that you step away and stay away. Also, that at some point you sit down with yourself and examine what attracts you to a toxic dynamic. You are way too quick to put yourself down and claim that you are a terrible person, a gaslighter.....when in reality you didn't do anything that horrible at all. A skewed view of yourself and self flagellating like that is unhealthy on your end and needs solving - something you are actually in control of and can change for the better.

[lostandhurt]

Good to hear she has a good support system in place so you don't have to worry that she is going through this alone.  

I agree with DF that you cannot be with her if for no other reason that she is an addict.  You might have white night syndrome or you are the savoir type but this is not a  good time for her to be in a relationship with anyone.  Love just isn't enough...

  I get why you want to beat yourself up and take all the blame for the breakup or problems.  If it is all your fault then you have control over repairing it but I think you can see the ex's as friends was only part of the problem. 

  Give her space and stay away so she will reach for her support system and get the help she needs without the romantic drama in the way between you two.

  Keep busy, get healthy mind and body and reconnect with old friends that were lets say misplaced while you were dating her.  You are pretty reflective so stay on a good path or self improvement while she does the same.  I hope she is able to conquer her demons.

  Lost

[Chicken111]

Thank you everyone, so much. I still don't know whats next from here, but you have all gave me a lot to think about. I appreciate all your comments 🙂