Advice - am i being a cupcake

[anononon]

Hey guys, wanted to vent and thought of no better way than asking anonymous people on the internet for advice.

Essentially, the question is - are my feelings valid, or whether my actions are being detrimental to the relationship (which I have a sneaking suspicion they may)

About me - 31 years old, fairly successful at work, have been in 4 previous "serious" relationships lasting between 6 months to 1.5 years

About her - 26 years old, also fairly successful at work, have been in a single 5 year relationship previously

About us - We met at work and we work in the same department and directly work with each other, though under different chains of command.  We are both professionals, and her job is somewhat of a support role to mine.  Most of the people in her role now know about us but almost nobody in my role knows about us...

We started seeing each other on "outings" about 8 months ago.  3 months into that, I told her I liked her, and we started "dating" exclusively for about 3 months, and then entered "into a relationship" after that (when she said her "real feelings" developed, which is actually quite a mature thing to do IMO...kinda sucked waiting for that long though). 1.5 months into our relationship, she has taken me home to meet her family.

Since the beginning, we see each other about 2-3 times every 3 weeks, given our differing work schedules.

Over the last month...I have seen her twice, and am feeling a bit disconnected (we do message everyday though)

3 weeks ago, we were supposed to go on a roadtrip, but she was sick and it was cancelled.  2 weeks ago, we met up and had dinner with her family. Last week we met up 2-3 hours before I had to work.  This week we were going to go on a 2 day roadtrip (which got cancelled to 1 day, as she had a prior commitment (dinner) with a friend which she forgot about (which I'm okay with) but then now she is sick and the 1 day is cancelled.

She is quite cold over messenger (just the way she communicates), and I don't feel like my emotional needs are being met, so I have asked her to prioritize more dates.  Is this a valid thing to do, or am I being needy/overbearing?

[Cherylyn]

I think you're being overly needy and overbearing.  Go with the flow and be easy going.  Don't have any high expectations because with her, plans can change due to sickness or other plans she had forgotten about.  This is her personality.  If you don't like it and her schedule is too zany for you to keep up with, then date another woman who is more predictable, sends you warmer communication through messenger and willing to see you more often.

On the upside, she introduced you to her family which means she thinks highly of you and she wants you to have dinner with her family again.  Whenever anyone wants you to be with her family, she doesn't perceive you as her mere passing fancy so you should feel honored that she thinks this highly of you.  Hopefully, you left a positive impression on her family as well.

Keep in mind, not everyone is warm and engaging electronically.  Some people are better in person than giving you or others constant, warm correspondence.  I've known several people who are perceived as blunt electronically yet very kind in person.  Some people aren't adept at correspondence. 

3 months is nothing.  Give her a chance.  Then determine if you're patient enough to remain in her life.  If she has too many shortcomings for you, then perhaps she isn't for you and it's time to move on.

Since she's at your place of employment, avoid awkwardness by remaining natural, kind and professional. 

[anononon]

I agree I am being overly needy though its difficult to get time off together (we both work rosters)

I agree 3 months is not a long time, but it's interesting to me that the first reaction is essentially "give up on her".

Anyways, we spoke about it, and I told her to prioritize time together and she has agreed and to try to communicate in different ways...lmao

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, anononon said:

I told her to prioritize time together

When you need to essentially tell someone to be more interested in you, you're generally barking up the wrong tree. 

[Wiseman2]

Is she on/off with someone? She doesn't seem into this as much as you are.

If you are her superior at work, you need to tone it down.

The last thing you want is her claiming you're sexually harassing her by insisting she text more and demanding she spend more time with you.

Step back. Being controlling and possessive is not a good look.

Even worse when she's in a subordinate position at the workplace.

[Jibralta]

4 hours ago, anononon said:

I agree 3 months is not a long time, but it's interesting to me that the first reaction is essentially "give up on her".

These things are always hard to gauge when you're not actually there to witness the dynamic.

I don't know if you're being "needy," but whether you are or not, it's clear that your needs aren't being completely met and that you're not content.

Yes, it's only been three months. So, it's possible she will change. But I don't think it's likely. She just doesn't seem to be prioritizing this relationship to the same degree that you are. 

If you want to give it more time, then give it more time. But like MissCanuck says, you can't tell someone to be more interested in you.

[anononon]

5 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

When you need to essentially tell someone to be more interested in you, you're generally barking up the wrong tree. 

 

3 hours ago, Jibralta said:

These things are always hard to gauge when you're not actually there to witness the dynamic.

I don't know if you're being "needy," but whether you are or not, it's clear that your needs aren't being completely met and that you're not content.

Yes, it's only been three months. So, it's possible she will change. But I don't think it's likely. She just doesn't seem to be prioritizing this relationship to the same degree that you are. 

If you want to give it more time, then give it more time. But like MissCanuck says, you can't tell someone to be more interested in you.

Thank you for your replies.  Very interesting viewpoint.   I essentially saw the situation as my emotional needs are not being met, rather than telling her to be more interested in me and I wanted to communicate that to her (which she appeared receptive to).

In regards to whether she is "prioritizing this relationship to the same degree" that I am, to me, this remains to be seen... 

I will reconsider my position.

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is she on/off with someone? She doesn't seem into this as much as you are.

If you are her superior at work, you need to tone it down.

The last thing you want is her claiming you're sexually harassing her by insisting she text more and demanding she spend more time with you.

Step back. Being controlling and possessive is not a good look.

Even worse when she's in a subordinate position at the workplace.

Thank you for your reply. She is not on/off with someone.  There is no concern regarding sexual harassment etc. I didn't think I was being controlling/possessive but will reconsider.

[Rose Mosse]

If she's receptive to it and you've addressed this, you will just have to practice some patience seeing whether it takes effect over time. Be patient. You're essentially sh-tting where you eat - same department, same building, same area. Not a good call in the first place.

Give it time to unfold and if it doesn't or she keeps cancelling, both of you aren't on the same page or you don't understand or know her well enough on whether her life can even support a relationship at this time. Why is she so poorly with her health and sick all the time? Does she have a medical condition you don't know about or poor immune system? Get to know each other a bit more. 

If this isn't working out, end it peaceably and go your separate ways.

 

 

[anononon]

14 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

If she's receptive to it and you've addressed this, you will just have to practice some patience seeing whether it takes effect over time. Be patient. You're essentially sh-tting where you eat - same department, same building, same area. Not a good call in the first place.

Give it time to unfold and if it doesn't or she keeps cancelling, both of you aren't on the same page or you don't understand or know her well enough on whether her life can even support a relationship at this time. Why is she so poorly with her health and sick all the time? Does she have a medical condition you don't know about or poor immune system? Get to know each other a bit more. 

If this isn't working out, end it peaceably and go your separate ways.

 

 

thank you for your thoughts.

LOL yeah same workplace 😂- poor decision making hahahahaha

She doesn’t have a medical condition. She doesn’t get sick very often...it’s just unlucky recently.

I will give it some time :)

[smackie9]

OK so you addressed it with her. If you don't see any real change then you may have to consider you are not compatible. Some people are ok with seeing someone once a week/sporadically, then there are other like yourself that feel more intimacy through texting and seeing each other regularly. I'm like you, I like regular contact that has flirting, etc, and see each other 3 to 4 times a week. One guy I dated was happy with once a week...I dumped him after 3 weeks of that. I couldn't do it.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, anononon said:

 I essentially saw the situation as my emotional needs are not being met,

What I meant is that people prioritize what they want to prioritize. 

If she's not doing so on her own accord, it's because she just doesn't want to. For whatever reason, her interest level isn't the same as yours. 

[SooSad33]

I see this as YOU are not satisfied with how it's going.

You're not getting your needs met, with how YOU want it.

You work at the same place - is often frowned upon re: getting involved with a co worker 😕 .

has been 3 months.. maybe is best to just cut it clean instead of dragging any of this on.. and eventually have it come to an end, anyways.

In order to not have things get worse or more awkward- admit it's not working out, so compatible.. and remain as friends only, if possible?

[lostandhurt]

Sometimes or may times two people in a new relationship are going at different speeds. You are going a little faster than she is which can cause this to happen.

  Now if she isn't excited to spend time with you after such a short time dating that could be a problem you need to keep an eye on.

  I will say it takes time for a busy couple to get into a groove on dating or seeing each other so be flexible but not a doormat.  If you communicate your feelings in a way that shows your interest level without sounding like you are demanding something then she can adjust and try or not.  "I love spending time with you and would really like to see you more often" Then see how she responds.  If it is excuses then that is not good but if she takes it as a compliment and reciprocates then try and work out a standing date at least once a week. 

If she is cold-ish on messenger then how about a voice phone call.  You know the one where you talk and listen?  Kind of old fashioned but it does work. 

Relax and learn patience.

Lost

[Kwothe28]

16 hours ago, anononon said:

She is quite cold over messenger (just the way she communicates), and I don't feel like my emotional needs are being met, so I have asked her to prioritize more dates.  Is this a valid thing to do, or am I being needy/overbearing?

No, you did fine. You want to see her more and that is OK. She seem rather busy but on the other side she makes time for you and introduced you to family. After 1,5 months that is kinda a big deal. So she does regard your relationship as serious. But maybe manage you expectations better. You cant expect her to go out more if her pace is like that. However, if she cares she would make time after you said that to her. So give her time and maybe it gets better. 

[Cherylyn]

14 hours ago, anononon said:

I agree I am being overly needy though its difficult to get time off together (we both work rosters)

I agree 3 months is not a long time, but it's interesting to me that the first reaction is essentially "give up on her".

Anyways, we spoke about it, and I told her to prioritize time together and she has agreed and to try to communicate in different ways...lmao

I see several red flags.  First of all, the thought of "giving up on her" entered your mind at 3 months and then you told her that she should prioritize time together.  Even though she agreed to try to communicate in different ways, no one enjoys being told what to do.

I hope it works out for you.  It seems that both of you are not in lockstep and there isn't a mutual understanding with maintaining this relationship in a normal, harmonious way. 

I hope with time, both of you will find a good rhythm.  Keep in mind, not to read too much into a person's inability to communicate electronically the same way you do or expect.  Not everyone has the finesse to correspond carefully. I've known several close people in my life who write bluntly, tersely, roughly and rather abrasively.  Manners are sloppy.  However, in person, being with them is very pleasant, humble, enjoyable and comfortable.  Perhaps she falls in this category which is common. 

Also, some people are flaky.  I have friends whose schedules can change and I try my best to be accommodating and understanding.  Many times, you have to look at the big picture and ask yourself if you can remain patient instead of trying to be "right" all the time.  I understand the principle of the matter.  However, you also have to look at the longevity of relationships or friendships and have a selfless attitude in order for everyone to be happy.  Every dynamic has sacrifices somewhere in order to make it work.  This is the part where you need to decide if it works for you or not. 

[Pleasedonot5]

I do not think you are being needy and overbearing. You have been dating for some time now - she has even introduced you to her family. It's safe to say that this has passed "dating" and is now a "relationship" - right? 

If so, you are allowed / encouraged to communicate your needs to a significant other. And since you are only seeing one another once every week or two, irregularly, there is probably room for more stability. Another poster suggested a weekly "standing date." Introducing one day per week where you see one another might provide you the stable level of interaction/intimacy you want or need. 

[catfeeder]

I don't view it as needy to simply ask for what you want.

You'll learn quickly enough whether it's just been circumstances or whether she steps up.

 

[anononon]

Thank you all for replies...I think the take away message at the moment is to be patient, and to kill my emotions.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, anononon said:

 to kill my emotions.

What do you mean by that? 

[anononon]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

What do you mean by that? 

Having emotions is not useful to the current situation, or currently conductive to logical rational thought, which is to be patient and wait it out.

[Rose Mosse]

1 minute ago, anononon said:

Having emotions is not useful to the current situation, or currently conductive to logical rational thought, which is to be patient and wait it out.

You were already at a deficit because your emotional needs weren't being met so it's natural to feel down and low and very anxious about whether this person feels the same way about you. The takeaway really should also be "this is a person I've been seeing, things were going well but she seems to be busy with other things and I am not very happy or fulfilled". Take things in stride and don't overwhelm yourself. Spend time with other friends and family - take your mind out of this rut.

Keep in touch with your emotions. Don't block them out because ignoring them is ignoring your litmus test for whether a relationship is working or not.

How you react to it is what matters and what you do with it. If this situation isn't working you end it peaceably like I said above and do the thing that best suits you. Don't keep waiting around indefinitely or let things get unprofessional at work.

 

[Wiseman2]

41 minutes ago, anononon said:

Having emotions is not useful to the current situation, or currently conductive to logical rational thought, which is to be patient and wait it out.

They are not mutually exclusive. You can be madly in love and pace yourself.

[Jibralta]

2 hours ago, anononon said:

Having emotions is not useful to the current situation, or currently conductive to logical rational thought, which is to be patient and wait it out.

Actually, emotions are very conducive to the current situation. Emotions tell you whether you feel satisfied or not. Why would you kill your emotions? To force yourself into a situation that ultimately doesn't fit?

Would you trim your toes off so that your foot fit into a shoe better? That's not logical. A logical person would say, "This shoe makes my toes hurt. Why? It's too small/narrow/lumpy, etc. I'm going to find a better shoe for me."

Emotions are like those hurting toes. When you feel dissatisfied in a relationship, that's your signal to examine the 'fit' of your relationship. 

[Pleasedonot5]

Quote

Having emotions is not useful to the current situation, or currently conductive to logical rational thought, which is to be patient and wait it out.

Hmm... maybe you mean something different, but I don't think this is the takeaway. You experienced emotion - information which told you something was not right. You spoke up to your partner. That was a solid thing to do. It sounded like she was receptive, no?

I agree that now that you have told her, it may be that you have to wait a week or two before knowing whether she has taken the information to heart. Patience is probably good, sure. But the emotions you experience will continue to guide you. They will tell you whether all is well or you are still feeling dissatisfied at that time.

[anononon]

Update for y’all - things are going great and probably going to propose in next few months!