Should I end my ten year relationship?

[GJA66]

I've been with my partner for 10 years and I'm starting to feel like it's reached it's end.

For ten years, we've been focusing on school, careers, and family issues so it really wasn't a big deal that our relationship wasn't moving up to the next step of commitment because at least I was under the impression that we were working our way up to it. Now, I feel that we have gotten our life in order: we finished school and got our careers started. While family matters will always happen, I felt that we were dealing with them and could focus more on our future.

Earlier this year, my partner moved in to a home belonging to his family. For years, the plan was to have us both move in to that house together until we were able to buy a home. He didn't even talk to me about moving in on his own first. His reason was that he wanted to make sure everything was in order with the house and that his family would be ok with the arrangement. I was upset that he made this decision without talking to me first, but he assured me it was in the best interest for the two of us. I asked how long he needed before I could move in and he'd never give me a concrete answer. It was always "soon". Meantime, he asked me to start clearing out my stuff and get rid of what I don't need. I did as he asked.

Two months later, he still doesn't give me a date for me to move in. Now he needs to clean out his belongings to make room for me. I became frustrated because every time I went over, I never saw any progress. It got to a point where we fought and that was the only reason he cleared out a mere drawer to show he was working on it. Two more weeks pass by and that's the only progress he made.

It also frustrates me that he'll ask me to help him clean the house. I did a couple of times, but recently I told him that I do not live there and that is not my responsibility. If he wants me to help with chores, I should be living there and share the responsibility. I'll clean up after myself when visiting, but I'm not a cleaning service.

I didn't want to resort to ultimatums, but I told him I couldn't wait for him to be ready. At my home, my parents are going through issues and my mother is sleeping in the living room. I feel guilty that she is sleeping on a couch when I should be able to move out and give her her own space. I bring up this concern to my partner and he does not seem to take it seriously. I don't know if it is an ultimatum, but I told him if he didn't give me a date to move in, I'd just move out on my own. He gave me the same answer: "soon" and he didn't want me to waste my money on rent when I could be living with him and split rent.

Recently, he told me he was planning on going to a camping trip with his friends as a bachelor party. I became so frustrated that for the past 3 months he's told me he hasn't had time to clean out his belongings, but is able to make time for a trip with his friends. He's always too tired to clean after work and I suggested he do it in parts so he doesn't feel overwhelmed with cleaning. He didn't take my advice and now I'm angry that he can't make time for something that matters to me and to improve our relationship, but he drops everything for this party. He told me he might not go, but wanted to because he wants these friends to go to his wedding and feels obligated to go so they'll do the same for him. Worse part is he didn't bother to tell me he decided to go and I had to find out on my own.

I'm not comfortable with him going to this trip especially because of covid-19 and I told him, but that didn't matter. It didn't make it better that the people going to this trip have talked about strippers and drugs for the party. He assured me it was a joke, but I didn't find that amusing. The drug part was real. I think it's disrespectful to joke about strippers especially as most of them have girlfriends. Maybe I'm over reacting to this part, but it is upsetting. I hate this locker room talk and I would never say things like that because I respect my partner's feelings. I can't even trust him to go on a trip alone.

This past weekend, we got into an argument over everything. I pointed out how he has not done anything to clear up his things to make room for me, how he never told me he decided to go to this trip, and how he is setting our relationship aside. I hate that he's more worried about having his friends at his wedding and not caring about his relationship to make sure I would be at that wedding. It took the threat of breaking up for him to finally give me an official date to move in and that he'd start clearing out his things. I told him not to bother because at this point it's only because I'm forcing him and not because he wants to. I told him I needed a break, but at this point I feel like it's officially over. I don't see him keeping his promises and I don't want a marriage where I have to be angry for him to do anything towards our relationship. It's exhausting. I don't know if I should wait for the date he gave me to see if he kept his word or just move on now.

I love him so much and I really wanted this to work out, but I'm tired of being put on hold not just on this relationship, but in my life. I feel like I wasted the last ten years of my life to someone who wouldn't commit and led me on. I think I should move out on my own and maybe this relationship can continue, but I'm afraid of how long it will be until we can take the next step in our relationship. Or I can end this and move on with my life and just accept the last 10 years were a waste. What should I do?

I'm sorry for the long rant. I don't have people to talk to about this hence why I'm here online asking for advice.

 

[Tinydance]

Well the problem is you can't control other people. I think you're right that you shouldn't be nagging him about this all the time, he should want to do things on his own. I must admit, it does seem suspicious that in ten years you never moved in together. That's so long to be together and not take your relationship to the next level. I think actions speak louder than words and to be honest it doesn't really look like your boyfriend really wants you to move in with him.

Regarding the bachelor party. Well, your boyfriend is allowed to have friends and attend the party. You can't really control what those guys are saying. It's common to have strippers at a bachelor party, not sure about the drugs. But again you can't control people so if you don't like it that your boyfriend might take drugs or see a stripper, then you don't have to date him.

You are probably right though that you moving in is not important to him. So that's why he didn't do anything about it, but he has time to go to the bachelor party. You can't blame those male friends of his for anything though. This is what your boyfriend wants.

[abitbroken]

If his family owns the home - its not his.

If they don't want the two of you "playing house" there, they have a right to decide that they only are extending the offer to live there to him.   (btw, my guy bought his grandparents house - and the family needed time to go through the stuff -- it had been sold outside of the family, he bought it years later but their decorating decisions and stuff in the out buildngs on an adjacent lot that was not sold wth the house was stll there. You guys aren't engaged. I think you are focusing on the wrong thing. 

The issues your parents are having should have no bearing on your relationship -  or timeline.

The camping trip - outdoor activites in the fresh air are fairly covid safe and going camping and your move in timeline are not an either or situation

You are so focused on living with him, you lost site of the big picture. Lay off -- if he says soon -- he could very well want to put things in place. YOu never know - he could be planning to propose or has stuff to settle with his family.

But you are pushing him away. Why not decide if you want to marry this man vs being so focused on being roommates? 

[abitbroken]

3 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well the problem is you can't control other people. I think you're right that you shouldn't be nagging him about this all the time, he should want to do things on his own. I must admit, it does seem suspicious that in ten years you never moved in together. That's so long to be together and not take your relationship to the next level. I think actions speak louder than words and to be honest it doesn't really look like your boyfriend really wants you to move in with him.

Regarding the bachelor party. Well, your boyfriend is allowed to have friends and attend the party. You can't really control what those guys are saying. It's common to have strippers at a bachelor party, not sure about the drugs. But again you can't control people so if you don't like it that your boyfriend might take drugs or see a stripper, then you don't have to date him.

You are probably right though that you moving in is not important to him. So that's why he didn't do anything about it, but he has time to go to the bachelor party. You can't blame those male friends of his for anything though. This is what your boyfriend wants.

If the bachelor party is camping - they probably are fishing, swimmming, riding 4 wheelers or hunting, etc.  my guys male relative do that sort of thing instead of strippers, etc.  Just a time to spend with just guys.  And because of COVID outdoors gives a better chance at getting together. She should know her guy well enough by now

10 years is not long if they met in high school, etc. If they met at 34 its hecka long. She said "now they are finished with school" leads me to believe they are just freshly out of whatever schooling they needed to settle in their careers. They met young -- they had family issues also to deal with and SHE feels they have settled all those issues when in fact, so its time to move in.  I get it.  Women are more like "I met the parents, x amount of years have gone by, now its time for x" where guys are different. 

[abitbroken]

He's always too tired to clean after work and I suggested he do it in parts so he doesn't feel overwhelmed with cleaning

Are you trying to get him to break up with you?   Seriously. Stop nagging him. If you don't leave him alone, he is just going to dig his heels in.  Drop it.  He only moved in a short time ago. its only April. If it was December and you said "earlier this year" - ok. But it may have only been a couple weeks ago. Also, what is the long game? Do you just want to get out of the house? Do you want to ultimately marry this guy?  What?

[GJA66]

11 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well the problem is you can't control other people. I think you're right that you shouldn't be nagging him about this all the time, he should want to do things on his own. I must admit, it does seem suspicious that in ten years you never moved in together. That's so long to be together and not take your relationship to the next level. I think actions speak louder than words and to be honest it doesn't really look like your boyfriend really wants you to move in with him.

Regarding the bachelor party. Well, your boyfriend is allowed to have friends and attend the party. You can't really control what those guys are saying. It's common to have strippers at a bachelor party, not sure about the drugs. But again you can't control people so if you don't like it that your boyfriend might take drugs or see a stripper, then you don't have to date him.

You are probably right though that you moving in is not important to him. So that's why he didn't do anything about it, but he has time to go to the bachelor party. You can't blame those male friends of his for anything though. This is what your boyfriend wants.

It does feel terrible being together for 10 years and not even living together. I actually avoid telling people how low we've been together because I feel embarrassed like our relationship has gone nowhere. I tried to give him time and now it feels like I waited too long?

I definitely shouldn't blame the friends of course. We both agreed a long time ago to not go to parties like that and he was pretty much silent when it was brought up. I wish he had been vocal about disagreeing to strippers, but I guess staying silent is better than participating with the conversation. 

I agree I don't need to be with him if I don't like what he's doing. I feel like he just lied to me about a future he wasn't working on. I told him I wasn't going to force him to do anything he doesn't want to, but he can't expect me to stick around. Now that he gave me an official date I don't know if I should wait and move on if he breaks that promise or stop giving him chances.

[Tinydance]

1 minute ago, GJA063 said:

It does feel terrible being together for 10 years and not even living together. I actually avoid telling people how low we've been together because I feel embarrassed like our relationship has gone nowhere. I tried to give him time and now it feels like I waited too long?

I definitely shouldn't blame the friends of course. We both agreed a long time ago to not go to parties like that and he was pretty much silent when it was brought up. I wish he had been vocal about disagreeing to strippers, but I guess staying silent is better than participating with the conversation. 

I agree I don't need to be with him if I don't like what he's doing. I feel like he just lied to me about a future he wasn't working on. I told him I wasn't going to force him to do anything he doesn't want to, but he can't expect me to stick around. Now that he gave me an official date I don't know if I should wait and move on if he breaks that promise or stop giving him chances.

Well it's up to you I guess if you wait and see if he gives you the moving in date. I mean of course all relationships move at their own pace, but for example my ex was really serious about me. We moved in together after one year of dating and he proposed to me not long after that. He had a lot of issues but he was definitely very serious about having a future with me lol I think even if you met in high school but still ten years is a long time. Even young people can still move in together. 

[Seraphim]

If after 10 years the person still doesn’t know what they want do or make a commitment they aren’t going to. 

[GJA66]

5 minutes ago, abitbroken said:

He's always too tired to clean after work and I suggested he do it in parts so he doesn't feel overwhelmed with cleaning

Are you trying to get him to break up with you?   Seriously. Stop nagging him. If you don't leave him alone, he is just going to dig his heels in.  Drop it.  He only moved in a short time ago. its only April. If it was December and you said "earlier this year" - ok. But it may have only been a couple weeks ago. Also, what is the long game? Do you just want to get out of the house? Do you want to ultimately marry this guy?  What?

The idea was to get married. Our plan was to move in together. I've waited to move out on my own for a couple of years because he wanted us to do it together. Now that he did it on his own feels like he's only worrying about himself. I'm planning on moving out on my own with or without him so it's not just about getting out of my house. I wish he hadn't held me back if he needed more time. Just saying soon isn't fair. I wish he did give me a timeline to work with. 

The problem is I feel that I have to nag him to get him to do things for our relationship and I hate that. I do feel like I'm pushing him away, but why is nagging the only way to get a reaction from him? This is why I considered ending it. I can't nag him forever it's not good for either one of us. I don't want a marriage like this and I feel like we just shouldn't be together. Moving in and marriage was always in our plans, but I don't think it's fair to make me wait for him. I feel like I need to stop pushing him to something he doesn't want to do on his own and he needs to stop stringing me along. I wish I could save this relationship but I don't know how.

[abitbroken]

10 minutes ago, GJA063 said:

The idea was to get married. Our plan was to move in together. I've waited to move out on my own for a couple of years because he wanted us to do it together. Now that he did it on his own feels like he's only worrying about himself. I'm planning on moving out on my own with or without him so it's not just about getting out of my house. I wish he hadn't held me back if he needed more time. Just saying soon isn't fair. I wish he did give me a timeline to work with. 

The problem is I feel that I have to nag him to get him to do things for our relationship and I hate that. I do feel like I'm pushing him away, but why is nagging the only way to get a reaction from him? This is why I considered ending it. I can't nag him forever it's not good for either one of us. I don't want a marriage like this and I feel like we just shouldn't be together. Moving in and marriage was always in our plans, but I don't think it's fair to make me wait for him. I feel like I need to stop pushing him to something he doesn't want to do on his own and he needs to stop stringing me along. I wish I could save this relationship but I don't know how.

Was it your idea to get married or both of yours? Because you don't say your PLAN was to get marred, the PLAN was moving in....

If your ultimate plan is getting married, I would lay off of him for a little bit. You both need to recover from how nuclear you were about the camping and pushing him to clean out the house.  Try to get back to connecting/doing fun things.

After you let the dust settle say something to the effect of "I am sorry that I was so pushy about moving in. If our ultimately goal is getting married, it doesn't matter to me to hurry up and move in.  Since I have only ever lived with my parents and never had to deal with my own bills/managing myself, I had a better idea. Maybe I will move in with a female roommate or myself just for a little while. Even if its 6 months or a year -- just so I can grow a little bit and we will be stronger together in the long run"

Or don't say it.  maybe its just what you say on the inside Believe me, not going from my parents to living with a guy was the best thing I ever did.  but make sure he knows you are not using the threat of moving on your own as an ultimatum.  Just do it -- look into studio apartments and other situations without him.  And then tell him the plan.   I mean, its not like you have a ring and a date and you are moving in as a convenience before the weddiing.

You don't need to live together for years as a step to marriage - you need to live away from your family - figuring things out for yourself -- dealing with sometimes being all by yourself, and that will make you a better wife and he a better husband in the longrun.

If this is the right guy - the guy you chose as the one, then not moving in to a house his family owns right now won't change the ultimate destination.    Or it may give you fresh perspective. Moving in WHEN marriage, not Moving in and if you don't at x date it means he won't marry you in the future

[GJA66]

28 minutes ago, abitbroken said:

If his family owns the home - its not his.

If they don't want the two of you "playing house" there, they have a right to decide that they only are extending the offer to live there to him.   (btw, my guy bought his grandparents house - and the family needed time to go through the stuff -- it had been sold outside of the family, he bought it years later but their decorating decisions and stuff in the out buildngs on an adjacent lot that was not sold wth the house was stll there. You guys aren't engaged. I think you are focusing on the wrong thing. 

The issues your parents are having should have no bearing on your relationship -  or timeline.

The camping trip - outdoor activites in the fresh air are fairly covid safe and going camping and your move in timeline are not an either or situation

You are so focused on living with him, you lost site of the big picture. Lay off -- if he says soon -- he could very well want to put things in place. YOu never know - he could be planning to propose or has stuff to settle with his family.

But you are pushing him away. Why not decide if you want to marry this man vs being so focused on being roommates? 

His mother is ok with me moving in. Now it's on him to make the decision of when. We do want a marriage, hell I don't even think I want a wedding, but I do want a marriage where we aren't just roommates to save money. We just wanted to move in together sooner so we can eventually get a home. So this house isn't a permanent home for us.

Well, as far as the camping, he said it was camping but after I spoke to him about it again he said they were getting a cabin and going to a casino. Had it been outside then maybe things would be different, but these new details keep coming up that make me more uncomfortable. I told him I didn't want him to go and I feel like he took it as an ultimatum which I didn't intend to. He's free to go, but I wanted him to realize that I also have the choice to not stay with him. I feel like this doesn't make sense, but I just want him to realize that we both have a choice. So now I feel like I am giving up my relationship over a trip. It really bothered me that I wasn't aware of the full details of the trip.

I may be pushing him away, but is that a bad thing if it means I get my answer as to where this relationship is headed? I don't want to force him to stay with me either. 

[GJA66]

5 minutes ago, abitbroken said:

Was it your idea to get married or both of yours? Because you don't say your PLAN was to get marred, the PLAN was moving in....

If your ultimate plan is getting married, I would lay off of him for a little bit. You both need to recover from how nuclear you were about the camping and pushing him to clean out the house.  Try to get back to connecting/doing fun things.

After you let the dust settle say something to the effect of "I am sorry that I was so pushy about moving in. If our ultimately goal is getting married, it doesn't matter to me to hurry up and move in.  Since I have only ever lived with my parents and never had to deal with my own bills/managing myself, I had a better idea. Maybe I will move in with a female roommate or myself just for a little while. Even if its 6 months or a year -- just so I can grow a little bit and we will be stronger together in the long run"

Or don't say it.  maybe its just what you say on the inside Believe me, not going from my parents to living with a guy was the best thing I ever did.  but make sure he knows you are not using the threat of moving on your own as an ultimatum.  Just do it -- look into studio apartments and other situations without him.  And then tell him the plan.   I mean, its not like you have a ring and a date and you are moving in as a convenience before the weddiing.

You don't need to live together for years as a step to marriage - you need to live away from your family - figuring things out for yourself -- dealing with sometimes being all by yourself, and that will make you a better wife and he a better husband in the longrun.

If this is the right guy - the guy you chose as the one, then not moving in to a house his family owns right now won't change the ultimate destination.    Or it may give you fresh perspective. Moving in WHEN marriage, not Moving in and if you don't at x date it means he won't marry you in the future

It was our plan. I've brought it up and he's brought it up so I don't feel like it's something I forced him on. If anything, it feels like we're following his plan (move in together at his pace and marriage eventually). It feels like there's no end in sight to accomplish these goals we have.

I've talked to him about moving out on my own and Ive looked for 6 month leases so we can revisit the moving in together thing later on and I can take care of my issues at home. He disagreed and told me to wait. With no set date, it became something that just kept making me angrier the more time passes. He wants me to be fully packed up and ready for him to say I can move in. I've told him I can't live out of boxes without a set date to move. I've stored the things I don't need at the moment to make moving easier, but that's not enough for him. It feels like he's blaming me for not being ready to move when he hasn't cleaned out his things to make room for me.

I wish I could just focus on having fun with him while he decides to tell me when to move in, but I feel resentful when I'm around him and I'm just always in a bad mood. I know it's not right, but I feel like I've been repressing these feelings for so long and it's all coming out at once. 

I want to move out on my own soon, but then I feel like he's just going to set aside moving in together even longer and setting our relationship further back. All I want is a reasonable timeline that he'll follow, but he always says soon.

[GJA66]

29 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

If after 10 years the person still doesn’t know what they want do or make a commitment they aren’t going to. 

This is what I feel it is. I thought we were taking our time to do it right, but he probably wasn't thinking the same

[GJA66]

43 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well it's up to you I guess if you wait and see if he gives you the moving in date. I mean of course all relationships move at their own pace, but for example my ex was really serious about me. We moved in together after one year of dating and he proposed to me not long after that. He had a lot of issues but he was definitely very serious about having a future with me lol I think even if you met in high school but still ten years is a long time. Even young people can still move in together. 

As much as I try to not compare my relationship to others, it's tough when you hear about couples reaching milestones sooner than we have. I get every relationship has its own path, but it's hard not seeing those things happen for me. I feel like I'm going to become that cautionary tale where the guy wouldn't commit and a year after the break up he's marrying someone else.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, GJA063 said:

The idea was to get married. Our plan was to move in together. I've waited to move out on my own for a couple of years because he wanted us to do it together. Now that he did it on his own feels like he's only worrying about himself. I'm planning on moving out on my own with or without him so it's not just about getting out of my house. I wish he hadn't held me back if he needed more time. Just saying soon isn't fair. I wish he did give me a timeline to work with. 

The problem is I feel that I have to nag him to get him to do things for our relationship and I hate that. I do feel like I'm pushing him away, but why is nagging the only way to get a reaction from him? This is why I considered ending it. I can't nag him forever it's not good for either one of us. I don't want a marriage like this and I feel like we just shouldn't be together. Moving in and marriage was always in our plans, but I don't think it's fair to make me wait for him. I feel like I need to stop pushing him to something he doesn't want to do on his own and he needs to stop stringing me along. I wish I could save this relationship but I don't know how.

Sorry this is happening. Immediately stop helping him clean or fix up the place.

Sadly your home situation is clouding your judgement.  You're desperate to get out, but he's not going to rescue you.

He's doing everything unilaterally. That means he's making plans for himself.

How old is he?

Playing house is not a commitment. Nor is doing unpaid labor for him.

Step back from this and consider cutting your losses.

[Jibralta]

8 hours ago, Seraphim said:

If after 10 years the person still doesn’t know what they want do or make a commitment they aren’t going to. 

I agree. I think it's time to cut your losses and move on.

Don't consider these last 10 years as a waste. It was a learning experience. One major lesson to learn here is: don't throw good money after bad (as the saying goes).

In other words, it would be a big mistake to stay just because you've already spent 10 years in this relationship. You can't un-waste that time, no matter what you do. You'll never get that time back. So, don't waste even more time. 

Recognize that you've grown in different directions. This relationship won't move forward without one (or both) of you being very uncomfortable.

[Andrina]

I'm going to guess you were usually the driving force of this relationship and he went along for the ride because it was easier than facing the drama of breaking up with you. What would happen if you didn't reach out first or make plans? Has this ever happened where he made sure the connection stayed strong or did you most often take the lead in how often you met and how often you communicated?

From what you've written here, I'm assuming it was more about what I wrote in the first sentence. You two don't seem like a team. I'd envision a couple who were team players tackling the task of preparing a new living space for themselves together. Putting on music and making daily dents with purging and cleaning, with him also offering to come to your place and help you purge and pack.

And after 10 whole years together, you're still not comfortable with his pack of friends and the choices they make on how to have fun. It is a major thing to consider when marrying someone--what activities they do with friends and how often.

Like Jibralta said, the ten years wasn't a waste of time. You learned what you don't want in a relationship. Your situation is not all that uncommon, although for many, they have married during this time period and then realized that was a mistake, as one hardly knows themselves in the early twenties enough to make a wise decision in a life partner. That happened to me and many people I know--the first marriage ended in a divorce and the choice of the partner for the second marriage wound up being far happier because of life experience and know what to avoid and what to accept.

You're actually lucky in that you don't have to deal with a divorce. I'm assuming you're in your late twenties, and if I could live my life over, that's the time I would've waited to to get serious with someone. 

Anyway, we all have regrets but things happen for a reason. Point is that if you're a priority, you'll feel like one. And if a relationship is regularly frustrating versus satisfying, it means it's the wrong one for you. Make your decision devoid of what anybody else will think. It's your life and nobody else has a say so in who your life partner will be, and don't feel compelled to stay because you've invested a decade. Many people start over after being in far longer relationships. I did after 25 years and it was the right decision. Good luck and keep us updated.

[DancingFool]

For 10 years, you've taught him that you will wait and wait and wait and then wait some more. So now you have an entrenched dynamic where he takes you completely for granted, assumes that you will keep waiting and waiting because he has a decade of proof of that. What happens is always on his terms.

You wanted to move out on your own a couple of years ago - no wait, wait for him, wait for this, wait for that. Always reasonable sounding - like money or convenience, or finish school, or get your careers in order....wait wait wait...... Where has all this waiting around gotten you? What about your convenience? What about your life?

He is taking you for granted now, just how much worse will that get when you are married and can't dump him so easily??? Of course you don't want to be in a relationship where you have to rage or threaten divorce to get his attention. That would be toxic. I think in many ways this ship has sailed long ago. It's very difficult to undo or change a decade worth of habits and expectations. So listen to your gut. Your relationship has run its course and you really should stop waiting and start living your life and making decisions for yourself and your future.

As for the party, if you don't like the company he keeps, then pay attention. His friends are a reflection of who he actually is. People who do not do drugs don't hang out with those who do. People who don't cheat, don't hang out with those who do. Like attracts like, OP. Deep down, regardless of your agreements, the company he keeps reflects his inner true self and his own values. The fact that he is lying and hiding it makes it worse. What else will he hide from you that's important?

Moving in isn't going to solve your deeper relationship issues so if I were you, I'd step away from that completely at this point. Get your own place, give yourself some space and think if you really want to waste another minute on this guy. It honestly sounds like you are quite checked out already and rightfully so.

 

[SooSad33]

14 hours ago, GJA66 said:

It didn't make it better that the people going to this trip have talked about strippers and drugs for the party. He assured me it was a joke, but I didn't find that amusing. The drug part was real. I think it's disrespectful to joke about strippers especially as most of them have girlfriends. Maybe I'm over reacting to this part, but it is upsetting. I hate this locker room talk and I would never say things like that because I respect my partner's feelings. I can't even trust him to go on a trip alone.

You can't trust him.. because of their 'locker room' talk?  Guys do that.. Is just strippers, they don't sleep w/ them.

 

14 hours ago, GJA66 said:

I hate that he's more worried about having his friends at his wedding and not caring about his relationship to make sure I would be at that wedding. It took the threat of breaking up for him to finally give me an official date to move in and that he'd start clearing out his things. I told him not to bother because at this point it's only because I'm forcing him and not because he wants to. I told him I needed a break, but at this point I feel like it's officially over

So, you threatened him... told him not to bother, but you are still assuming he will give a date for you to move in, still?

 

14 hours ago, GJA66 said:

I think I should move out on my own and maybe this relationship can continue

Yeah, you've really been venting on him a lot - but I feel is also due to your own stressors at home.

Yes, was his choice & option to move in their first, as it is 'his familes' home... and maybe HE felt was how he wanted it, for a little while - to get the feel for it --- but then you keep at him.. because of your frustrations.

 

IF you want to, then yes, just get your own place, but you know you want to move in there with him.

Did you explain this to him, the stuff going on at your place w/ your parents?

If you feel he won't budge, then act on your own accord.  Do your own thing.  And just stop harping at him... just leave it all alone now. - Put no more energy into this with him.

 

[GJA66]

34 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

You can't trust him.. because of their 'locker room' talk?  Guys do that.. Is just strippers, they don't sleep w/ them.

 

So, you threatened him... told him not to bother, but you are still assuming he will give a date for you to move in, still?

 

Yeah, you've really been venting on him a lot - but I feel is also due to your own stressors at home.

Yes, was his choice & option to move in their first, as it is 'his familes' home... and maybe HE felt was how he wanted it, for a little while - to get the feel for it --- but then you keep at him.. because of your frustrations.

 

IF you want to, then yes, just get your own place, but you know you want to move in there with him.

Did you explain this to him, the stuff going on at your place w/ your parents?

If you feel he won't budge, then act on your own accord.  Do your own thing.  And just stop harping at him... just leave it all alone now. - Put no more energy into this with him.

 

I wish he had been upfront about his actual plans. He told me he was fixing up the place for us to move in (he made it sound at the same time) and next thing I know he says he's moving in already. Had he talked to me about living there alone first for whatever amount of time, then I could understand. Instead he told me he was moving in the next day when a week before he told me it wasn't ready. Not that he needed my permission, but why not talk to me about it first? Or is it wrong of me to expect him to tell me things with time? 

I did tell him about my parent's situation and I talked to him about moving out on my own, but he kept telling me to wait. I wish he'd told me he wasn't ready for me to move in so I can make arrangements myself to take care of my family issues. I told him I'd find a short lease so maybe in 6 months we could revisit moving in together to give us both time to figure things out. He said I shouldn't waste my money on rent and wait. I don't think that's fair considering it's been 3 months and I could have already been halfway through a 6 month lease and not have to worry about my family problems. 

As of now, I'm pulling back on my interaction with him. If he wants to start cleaning to make room for me by the set date he gave me, then great. I'm not going to be nagging him to do anything anymore. I don't want to talk or see him until after his trip and the set date he gave me. After that I guess well see what he did do to keep his word if I wasn't there to push him. 

[Jibralta]

2 hours ago, Andrina said:

And after 10 whole years together, you're still not comfortable with his pack of friends and the choices they make on how to have fun. It is a major thing to consider when marrying someone--what activities they do with friends and how often.

1 hour ago, DancingFool said:

His friends are a reflection of who he actually is. People who do not do drugs don't hang out with those who do. People who don't cheat, don't hang out with those who do. Like attracts like, OP. Deep down, regardless of your agreements, the company he keeps reflects his inner true self and his own values.

So true. My boyfriend likes to say, "If you hang out in a barber shop long enough, you're gonna end up getting a hair cut."

No one hangs around a barbershop and resists getting a hair cut for long. So, what kind of barber shop is he hanging around, and what kind of hair cut is he gonna get?

Drunk, with a bunch of drunk dudes, and strippers.... that's for single guys who have no mind for normal, healthy relationships with women.

[Jibralta]

44 minutes ago, GJA66 said:

I don't want to talk or see him until after his trip and the set date he gave me. After that I guess well see what he did do to keep his word if I wasn't there to push him. 

Is this "bachelor party" for him?

Just so you know, out-call strippers are generally hired as prostitutes. And on a camping trip? Lord, I'd be long gone, girl. 

[Rose Mosse]

42 minutes ago, GJA66 said:

I wish he had been upfront about his actual plans. He told me he was fixing up the place for us to move in (he made it sound at the same time) and next thing I know he says he's moving in already. Had he talked to me about living there alone first for whatever amount of time, then I could understand. Instead he told me he was moving in the next day when a week before he told me it wasn't ready. Not that he needed my permission, but why not talk to me about it first? Or is it wrong of me to expect him to tell me things with time? 

I did tell him about my parent's situation and I talked to him about moving out on my own, but he kept telling me to wait. I wish he'd told me he wasn't ready for me to move in so I can make arrangements myself to take care of my family issues. I told him I'd find a short lease so maybe in 6 months we could revisit moving in together to give us both time to figure things out. He said I shouldn't waste my money on rent and wait. I don't think that's fair considering it's been 3 months and I could have already been halfway through a 6 month lease and not have to worry about my family problems. 

As of now, I'm pulling back on my interaction with him. If he wants to start cleaning to make room for me by the set date he gave me, then great. I'm not going to be nagging him to do anything anymore. I don't want to talk or see him until after his trip and the set date he gave me. After that I guess well see what he did do to keep his word if I wasn't there to push him. 

But of course he would tell you to wait. He's got you cleaning his place now and again when you're over and he gets you to pay half the expenses if you move into his place. You're a free cleaning service and backup for help with the finances. In the meantime, he has the comfort of intimacy with a girlfriend whenever he likes knowing how precarious your living situation is at home. You are the ideal person for him because , at this moment in time, you need him far more than he needs or wants you. 

The healthiest thing to do is put the relationship on pause and take this joke of a man off of your mind for awhile. Start creating a budget for yourself and a move out plan. Find your own accommodation and find your independence too in the process. I'm not sure what's going on with your parents. Keep in touch with your family. Totally realign your goals and what you see for yourself in the long term. 

You don't have to shut the door on this relationship immediately but totally realign all your priorities. 

I don't think he'll ever ask you to marry him so if this is what you want(marriage), rethink the relationship after looking out for yourself and finding your own place. The reason is because he doesn't respect you. After seeing how unhappy you are with him, it's unlikely he'll ever pop the question. If anything he'll be using that as a reason to distance himself, blame you for the relationship break down or some other cookery. 

 

 

[boltnrun]

Just because he tells you not to get your own apartment doesn't mean you have to obey.

[GJA66]

39 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Just because he tells you not to get your own apartment doesn't mean you have to obey.

That is true. I wish I had done what I needed to do and move out on my own. I was trying to cooperate with this relationship to reach our goal, but it seems I was the only one.