Jump to content

Should I end my ten year relationship?


Recommended Posts

Hate to say this, but you've allowed yourself to be manipulated "for the sake of the relationship" for way too long.

The fact is that he doesn't need to tell you to wait. He doesn't need to tell you to clear out and get rid of your things before you can move in. He doesn't need to work on cleaning up his things in order for you to move in. He doesn't need to lie about his friends or bs you that if he doesn't go to this party, then they won't come his wedding (seriously, what kind of friends are those if that were really true). The truth is that he is stringing you along dangling the carrot of "for the relationship" in front of your nose while lying like a dog about a whole lot of things right to your face.

When a guy strings you along like that with first this, then that, then something else....it's not because he is planning for your future, it's because he isn't seeing a future with you, but hasn't found your replacement yet.

Go get your apartment and go live on your own and be your own person. Stop waiting and stop taking orders from him. In fact in this case, I'll give the old fashioned advice - don't even bother with living together unless he has proposed and you have an actual wedding date set AND he is happy and actively planning instead of telling you to wait some more.

In your case, moving in isn't some kind of a milestone or a sign that your relationship is moving forward, it's just more wait wait wait stringing you along, except you will need to clean his house and do chores for him and pay half the bills.

Stop the madness and go live on your own for a bit. Clear your head and see then if you still even want this relationship. I doubt you will.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Replies 58
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Top Posters In This Topic

Popular Posts

For 10 years, you've taught him that you will wait and wait and wait and then wait some more. So now you have an entrenched dynamic where he takes you completely for granted, assumes that you will kee

No need to call yourself names.  Try to be your own best friend instead of your own worst enemy. And try to get excited about having your own place!  I'm in the process of moving into a place of

Thank you. Looking for a place is my next step and hopefully it will keep my mind off of him so I can focus on me. I really hope this covid situation gets better soon so I can start doing things for m

7 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

Hate to say this, but you've allowed yourself to be manipulated "for the sake of the relationship" for way too long.

The fact is that he doesn't need to tell you to wait. He doesn't need to tell you to clear out and get rid of your things before you can move in. He doesn't need to work on cleaning up his things in order for you to move in. He doesn't need to lie about his friends or bs you that if he doesn't go to this party, then they won't come his wedding (seriously, what kind of friends are those if that were really true). The truth is that he is stringing you along dangling the carrot of "for the relationship" in front of your nose while lying like a dog about a whole lot of things right to your face.

When a guy strings you along like that with first this, then that, then something else....it's not because he is planning for your future, it's because he isn't seeing a future with you, but hasn't found your replacement yet.

Go get your apartment and go live on your own and be your own person. Stop waiting and stop taking orders from him. In fact in this case, I'll give the old fashioned advice - don't even bother with living together unless he has proposed and you have an actual wedding date set AND he is happy and actively planning instead of telling you to wait some more.

In your case, moving in isn't some kind of a milestone or a sign that your relationship is moving forward, it's just more wait wait wait stringing you along, except you will need to clean his house and do chores for him and pay half the bills.

Stop the madness and go live on your own for a bit. Clear your head and see then if you still even want this relationship. I doubt you will.

I definitely agree about not moving in together unless we are married. I hated that way of thinking because I wanted to make sure I could live with the person before marrying them, but now that doesn't even seem like it will be an issue in my near future.  We wanted to move in together first before marriage, but the way things are going just to move in, it feels like marriage won't happen. I think I'm going to move out on my own. I told him to take all the time he needs to decide when he's ready to move in together, but I can't promise I will be around for it.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Jibralta said:

Is this "bachelor party" for him?

Just so you know, out-call strippers are generally hired as prostitutes. And on a camping trip? Lord, I'd be long gone, girl. 

Definitely not for him since I can't even get the guy to ask me to move in lol. 

It was a supposed joke, but I feel that a group of guys with girlfriends shouldn't joke about that. People said I'm over reacting about this joke, but that's just something I don't want to tolerate even as a joke. Feels like there's a bit of truth behind these types of jokes. I know I can't control what his friends say or I should be mad at them for what they say, but at least make the joke funny. 

I've always trusted him, but these guys put a doubt in my mind. Like the saying tell me who your friends are and I'll tell you who you are. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Always follow  one’s  actions, unfortunately his are quite clear.  
 

You should never have to badger or threaten someone.  

Edited by Hollyj
Link to post
Share on other sites
6 minutes ago, GJA66 said:

I definitely agree about not moving in together unless we are married. I hated that way of thinking because I wanted to make sure I could live with the person before marrying them, but now that doesn't even seem like it will be an issue in my near future.  We wanted to move in together first before marriage, but the way things are going just to move in, it feels like marriage won't happen. I think I'm going to move out on my own. I told him to take all the time he needs to decide when he's ready to move in together, but I can't promise I will be around for it.

That makes sense when you've only known the person for a couple of years. You've been together a decade. You know his living habits by now - if he is clean or if he is messy, if his parents did chores for him or if he fends for himself. If he is living on his own and is asking you to clean his house for him.... he is showing you what you need to know - this is his idea of relationship dynamics and your role.

What you see is what you get. Does that work for you? Living together doesn't change people's underlying attitudes or deep rooted habits. This is where a lot of people make the mistake of hoping that if only you move in, get married, have a kid - he or she will change. Nope nope nope. Ask yourself if what you see right now is acceptable to you because all those relationship milestones will make things worse not better.

Link to post
Share on other sites
2 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

That makes sense when you've only known the person for a couple of years. You've been together a decade. You know his living habits by now - if he is clean or if he is messy, if his parents did chores for him or if he fends for himself. If he is living on his own and is asking you to clean his house for him.... he is showing you what you need to know - this is his idea of relationship dynamics and your role.

What you see is what you get. Does that work for you? Living together doesn't change people's underlying attitudes or deep rooted habits. This is where a lot of people make the mistake of hoping that if only you move in, get married, have a kid - he or she will change. Nope nope nope. Ask yourself if what you see right now is acceptable to you because all those relationship milestones will make things worse not better.

That is a good point. I do feel I know his habits enough to know I can live with him and marry him. I think I should stop worrying about moving in together and just do it myself. I don't even know if it's worth waiting to see if marriage happens, though.

It really pissed me off that he was concerned about his friends not going to our (or maybe just his) wedding because he didn't go to theirs. With a pandemic I'd assume good friends would understand if he didn't go. I don't even want a wedding even before this happened since I'd rather put that money to a house, but yeah maybe I'm not even going to be at his wedding either.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, okay, see how it goes when he's back from his buddy-vacay...

IMO, yeah, he should have been at it enough for you to move in by now.. Not sure why he's acting like this? 😕 

As it has been 10 years with you.  he better get his act together, or yeah.. react as you should. - Get your own place and let HIM deal with that outcome.

Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, GJA66 said:

It was a supposed joke, but I feel that a group of guys with girlfriends shouldn't joke about that. People said I'm over reacting about this joke, but that's just something I don't want to tolerate even as a joke. Feels like there's a bit of truth behind these types of jokes.

I see.

Well, you know these people best. If you suspect there's truth behind the jokes.... don't just dismiss that feeling.

3 hours ago, GJA66 said:

Like the saying tell me who your friends are and I'll tell you who you are. 

This isn't just a saying; it's a truth.

Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, GJA66 said:

That is a good point. I do feel I know his habits enough to know I can live with him and marry him. I think I should stop worrying about moving in together and just do it myself. I don't even know if it's worth waiting to see if marriage happens, though.

It really pissed me off that he was concerned about his friends not going to our (or maybe just his) wedding because he didn't go to theirs. With a pandemic I'd assume good friends would understand if he didn't go. I don't even want a wedding even before this happened since I'd rather put that money to a house, but yeah maybe I'm not even going to be at his wedding either.

 

I would get a place by yourself -- you NEED that to grow as an adult.  You need your own space (or if you need a roommate, there are situations where you can find someone with an opposite schedule or is a serious grad student where there won't be parties and you will have time to yourself in the apartment also).  I didn't really grow up as an adult until I was not relying on my parents.  I moved to the next state, a couple hours away so that was more of a nuclear option - you don't have to do that -- and i am not saying you don't pay your own bills but there is something about 100% steering the ship at least for a little bit that makes all the difference. 

Also, you won't be falling back on cranking about your mom as a topic of conversation or playing like the damsel in distress.  AND if your parents need to sleep in two different rooms right now - your room will be available. They can work out their problems without a third party there and be a little more real with eachother.

You might break up because you outgrow him, he could follow his original timeline, or he could decide that its time to get married. You never know. 

Again, i differ from others because 10 years is not a long time to me if you met in high school and only 2 years so far have really been adult years where you are out of college, etc,  if you met older - yeah that's too long

Either way -- you will find what you are looking for and be a better person for it and won't be so desperate

 

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Just wanted to give an update not sure if anyone is following.

I haven't spoken to my partner since Sunday when we fought. I texted him today (Friday) to ask if he could talk that night. He said yes. I wanted to talk to him before his trip which he was going to leave on Saturday for. I knew I couldn't stop him from going but I at least wanted to voice my concerns and what I expect from him. 

So I text him to see if he's ready to talk and he's avoiding answering my question. He got mad that I wouldn't text him after he asked what I was doing. I had told him earlier I didn't want to talk through text at all. I call him and when he answers he tells me he's already at the place they were camping at. I got upset because he told me he'd be going til tomorrow and I wanted to have an in depth conversation assuming he was going to be at home. He didn't want to have a long conversation since he was with his friends. It upset me that he agreed to talk knowing he was going to be with his friends. 

For the bit of time we were able to talk we were able to lay down rules for this party and he gave me a definitive date to move in. I asked what would happen if I wasn't able to move in by then and he said it would happen.

He cut our conversation short saying he had to go to the bathroom and would text me. I asked him to call me back. 40 minutes later and he hasn't called me or answered my calls. I'm sure he just wanted to get back with his friends. I've decided I should just end it.

I wish he'd been upfront about what he would be doing tonight but apparently it's my fault for choosing tonight to talk after I gave him the option to decide if it was a good time and not knowing he was already with his friends. I feel stupid, but at least I got my answer. Thank you everyone for your advice. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry this is happening. He's avoiding the conversation because he doesn't want you to move in. 

Rather than continually arguing about it and being pushed away and hurt, step away.

Redirect your energy into productive activity rather than hitting the same wall over and over.

Look for places to live. Apts., houses shares, etc. Put your energy into fixing up and enjoying your own place.

Once you get rid of someone who strings you along like this, you'll be able to get start dating men who care about you and want what you want.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
5 hours ago, GJA66 said:

I've decided I should just end it.

I hope you truly do end it. These games are ridiculous. He's got you wrapped around his little finger.

Link to post
Share on other sites

He's been like Lucy with the football.  He sets it up for you to kick and them moves it out of the way, all the while watching you stumble around trying to accommodate him.  What fun for him!  Unfortunately not so fun for you.

Think about whether or not you want a lifetime of this. No, he will not "change".  He's been doing this for 10 years so he certainly will not "change", especially when he has no reason to.

My BIL also kept moving the football with his girlfriend and that's because he didn't really want to marry her or have children.  She finally figured it out (after about 3 years) and left him.  A year later she was engaged and is now married with children.  If she'd stayed with my BIL constantly trying to meet his "requirements" she'd never been married or a mother.

Link to post
Share on other sites

After 10 whole years together if you have to lay down the law, that he needs those rules from you on how to behave on a guy trip, then it's clearly not the right relationship for you. He let five days of silence go without communicating with you. If he was truly into you, he'd be going bonkers and arrive at your home for an in person talk to clear up the issues.

Instead, his mind was free and clear to enjoy a vacation with buddies. And he didn't call you back because he knows his poor treatment of you hasn't been a dealbreaker to this point, but if it is now, as the straw that broke the camel's back, he's fine with that. 

He doesn't care. Love yourself like he never has and walk away so that one day you can find someone who is worthy of you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
3 minutes ago, Andrina said:

After 10 whole years together if you have to lay down the law, that he needs those rules from you on how to behave on a guy trip, then it's clearly not the right relationship for you. He let five days of silence go without communicating with you. If he was truly into you, he'd be going bonkers and arrive at your home for an in person talk to clear up the issues.

Instead, his mind was free and clear to enjoy a vacation with buddies. And he didn't call you back because he knows his poor treatment of you hasn't been a dealbreaker to this point, but if it is now, as the straw that broke the camel's back, he's fine with that. 

He doesn't care. Love yourself like he never has and walk away so that one day you can find someone who is worthy of you.

Not trying to defend him, but he did try to talk to me during those 5 days, but just texting. I told him no because he just wanted to text all day like everything is normal. I wasn't going to expect him to come see me either, but yeah he didn't even try.

This is the first time he's gone to a bachelor party and since we had always agreed to never go to one, I wanted to be clear as to what was ok and what wasn't so he wouldn't have an excuse saying he didn't know what he did was wrong.

Him not calling me back was what made me realize his friends were the priority. And that's fine. Hopefully they are there for him for the things I did for him. I am sure in my mind they won't be as they hardly contact him throughout the year unless it's some big party or trip. I hope he feels that emptiness when I'm not around, but who am I kidding he probably won't even mind it.

I've blocked him since he tried to text me (not even call me back) and I wasn't just going to accommodate him so he can have fun with his friends and still talk to me. I guess now I can focus on moving out and who knows about a new relationship. If it comes into my life then great. I don't think I'll be looking for a while.

Link to post
Share on other sites
27 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

He's been like Lucy with the football.  He sets it up for you to kick and them moves it out of the way, all the while watching you stumble around trying to accommodate him.  What fun for him!  Unfortunately not so fun for you.

Think about whether or not you want a lifetime of this. No, he will not "change".  He's been doing this for 10 years so he certainly will not "change", especially when he has no reason to.

My BIL also kept moving the football with his girlfriend and that's because he didn't really want to marry her or have children.  She finally figured it out (after about 3 years) and left him.  A year later she was engaged and is now married with children.  If she'd stayed with my BIL constantly trying to meet his "requirements" she'd never been married or a mother.

Thank you for that story. I don't know why people want others to meet requirements for them but don't think they need to do the same for their partners. I let it go too long thinking the good outweighed the bad, but I was fooling myself. I'm an idiot for letting it go on for too long.

Link to post
Share on other sites
8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. He's avoiding the conversation because he doesn't want you to move in. 

Rather than continually arguing about it and being pushed away and hurt, step away.

Redirect your energy into productive activity rather than hitting the same wall over and over.

Look for places to live. Apts., houses shares, etc. Put your energy into fixing up and enjoying your own place.

Once you get rid of someone who strings you along like this, you'll be able to get start dating men who care about you and want what you want.

Thank you. Looking for a place is my next step and hopefully it will keep my mind off of him so I can focus on me. I really hope this covid situation gets better soon so I can start doing things for myself and meet new people. We'll see when I'm ready to start dating again and hopefully this time I'm not an idiot and I prioritize what I want out of a relationship instead of waiting. 

  • Like 2
  • Thanks 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, Jibralta said:

I hope you truly do end it. These games are ridiculous. He's got you wrapped around his little finger.

I blocked him and I doubt he'll come around my house looking for me so it's definitely over. I don't even think there's anything he can do to get me back especially if it's all talk and no action. 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
32 minutes ago, GJA66 said:

Thank you for that story. I don't know why people want others to meet requirements for them but don't think they need to do the same for their partners. I let it go too long thinking the good outweighed the bad, but I was fooling myself. I'm an idiot for letting it go on for too long.

No need to call yourself names.  Try to be your own best friend instead of your own worst enemy.

And try to get excited about having your own place!  I'm in the process of moving into a place of my own after over 7 months of renting a room from family and I have a list of things I'm going to buy to fix the place up.  And I'm vaccinated so I will be exploring the city and sightseeing.  I'm excited!

Plus...when you're ready (not immediately, of course!) you could meet the right man when you least expect it.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
On 4/27/2021 at 10:53 PM, GJA66 said:

It does feel terrible being together for 10 years and not even living together. I actually avoid telling people how low we've been together because I feel embarrassed like our relationship has gone nowhere. I tried to give him time and now it feels like I waited too long?

I definitely shouldn't blame the friends of course. We both agreed a long time ago to not go to parties like that and he was pretty much silent when it was brought up. I wish he had been vocal about disagreeing to strippers, but I guess staying silent is better than participating with the conversation. 

I agree I don't need to be with him if I don't like what he's doing. I feel like he just lied to me about a future he wasn't working on. I told him I wasn't going to force him to do anything he doesn't want to, but he can't expect me to stick around. Now that he gave me an official date I don't know if I should wait and move on if he breaks that promise or stop giving him chances.

How is living together a next step? Did you discuss this or do you just assume that sharing physical space is a next step as far as a commitment? My husband and I didn't officially live together until after we were married - nor did I think it would be a next step. The next step was when we discussed getting engaged, getting married and starting a family and took steps to make that happen.  And had we lived together it wouldn't have helped us learn about living together because within 3 months of marriage we were living together with a newborn in a small apartment.  And all newborn's stuff!  Your boyfriend is not making room for you in his home because he doesn't want to.  The end.  He's going to the bachelor party because he wants to.  He can't disagree about strippers.  He can leave the room or not attend an event involving strippers.  

Link to post
Share on other sites
9 hours ago, Batya33 said:

How is living together a next step? Did you discuss this or do you just assume that sharing physical space is a next step as far as a commitment? My husband and I didn't officially live together until after we were married - nor did I think it would be a next step. The next step was when we discussed getting engaged, getting married and starting a family and took steps to make that happen.  And had we lived together it wouldn't have helped us learn about living together because within 3 months of marriage we were living together with a newborn in a small apartment.  And all newborn's stuff!  Your boyfriend is not making room for you in his home because he doesn't want to.  The end.  He's going to the bachelor party because he wants to.  He can't disagree about strippers.  He can leave the room or not attend an event involving strippers.  

It was our "plan". For years we planned to move in to that house once it was vacant as it was being rented out to an old couple who sadly passed last year (it's a long story as to why we waited for that house mostly due to school and our careers). So our opportunity finally came up and I get left behind on the original plan and was now waiting on his plan which didn't seem to have an end in sight.

I posted an update saying we broke up. I got tired of coming second for the last time and now I'll make my own plan. Congrats on the baby! I wish you and your family the best. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

We can't police someone into wanting what they don't want.

There's no reason why 2 adults can't live together in a small flat and still save money.

You've been buying into every stall tactic instead of seeing and accepting that you don't both really want the same things.

Nobody can tell you how long to keep doing that, but if there's even a small part of you intending to use a breakup as a way to manipulate this guy into cooperation, then even if you 'win,' you'll lose because there will always be a part of you that's aware of the real story and will never be able to relax into confidence about this relationship.

Is this power-struggle how you want to keep living?

Link to post
Share on other sites
11 hours ago, GJA66 said:

I posted an update saying we broke up. I got tired of coming second for the last time and now I'll make my own plan.

I hope you stick to it, and that you don't fly into his arms when he comes crawling back to you from the camping trip covered with stripper luvins.

Link to post
Share on other sites

This relationship has been convenient for him.  I wouldn't be surprised if he tried to talk you into going back to him.  But if nothing changes, i.e. he doesn't say "move in now" or "let's schedule movers to come on this date two weeks from now" then you know he isn't really serious about having you move in.  He just wants his convenience.

I actually had a man I had been in a relationship with tell me that; he said he wasn't really "feeling it" but that it was "convenient" for him to have me around for sex and companionship.  Awesome...

  • Haha 1
  • Sad 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...