Moving in? How to bring it up?

[Summer2424]

Hi everyone,

My boyfriend and I have been together a little over a year. We are about 2 hours apart and I currently live at home so for the span of our relationship, I've been the one driving to his place. 

During the pandemic, I've mostly worked from home as well so it turned into me being at his place a lot, sometimes months at a time. We've spent way more time together due to the pandemic but it's been great. We get along really well and I genuinely feel we've tested cohabitation.

I've been looking for jobs and found one in my field near me. He lives in a tiny town and I work in social services so finding a job is easier for me near the city. He's planning on looking at jobs closer to me and relocating. He's in education and finding a job is easier for him. 

We've discussed the future and moving in together but not a specific time-line. I'm starting to look at apartments and he will be soon too. But he's mentioned being closer together but not living together as far as a date etc. 

Throughout my time with him I've struggled with living out of a suitcase basically. I don't feel settled going back and forth at all. My new job is exciting but will be very high stress, so even if he's closer, I don't think I'll want to not be at my place. Even switching off, I think every other weekend or whatever would be a lot. Especially if we both sign leases for a year in the next few months. 

I like the idea of just being around each other more and continuing that. My time spent there during work weeks went well, we can relax together and just support each other. 

He mentioned recently though that even finding a place 30 minutes away from me would be better. That's true but my problem is that I don't think he'll want to move again in a year. And personally, if we live together, I want it to be a place we find together not one of our places that the other moves into. 

Also, it may sound silly. But I don't think I can do the back and forth for another year plus and that's what would happen with new leases. I also don't want a weekend only relationship for that long. And I think that's what it would be. 

I don't want to set an ultimatum obviously, but I genuinely am not sure I can go much longer with the back and forth to his place. Even if he were able to switch off, I still don't think that's something I want long term. I'd love advice on how to bring this up with him without sounding too pushy. I do want to talk with him and voice my feelings. I'm worried that bc he's not doing the back and forth he won't feel the same urge to change something? 

I'll add, he's 33 and has lived with 3 previous partners, I'm 29 and have not before. I know it's a huge step but I do think we've tested the waters quite a lot this last year. 

 

Thanks everyone!

 

[SooSad33]

5 minutes ago, Summer2424 said:

He mentioned recently though that even finding a place 30 minutes away from me would be better. That's true but my problem is that I don't think he'll want to move again in a year. And personally, if we live together, I want it to be a place we find together not one of our places that the other moves into

- Why not?  What is wrong with a place found by at least one of you?

 

6 minutes ago, Summer2424 said:

t I don't think I can do the back and forth for another year plus and that's what would happen with new leases. I also don't want a weekend only relationship for that long. And I think that's what it would be. 

-Maybe this is all you'll have to deal with- weekend visits.  I feel you've gotten too used to being with him all of the time. 

And why can't he do some driving?  Why has it been all up to you in this?

 

7 minutes ago, Summer2424 said:

t he's mentioned being closer together but not living together as far as a date etc.

- There, you have it.  He has already stated not living together, so why would you want to approach him on it again?

I have a feeling he is just not ready for this, with you.

As you stated, he's done this with 3 previous partners.. will probably be a while before he agree's on that again.

Maybe YOU just need to slow down all of these wants & changes with this guy... and accept what is at this time.  Has only been a year.

[Summer2424]

I feel like it's not a deal breaker but it would never feel like my space too if I move into where he's already settled? It's a definite preference for me to pick a place together.

The last time he brought up any sort of timeline was mentioning about 6 months out or so but that was a few months ago. I'm just curious what he's thinking now that we're potentially relocating at the same time. 

I live at home with my mom, so it's made sense for me to do the driving especially while working from home. 

You're right and I will have to get used to a weekend only visits for a while with my new job soon but I don't want that longer term. Not for another year plus. I don't see how that's relaxing or really being able to connect when we'll be so tired from work having to go back and forth between each other's places. 

His comments have talked a lot about the future just not super specific recently so I'm curious what he's thinking. 

But if needed I probably need to slow down, I'm just worried we'll barely talk or connect. He hates the phone and I like just talking here and there about our days etc. I'll have to get used to a different relationship I guess if he's not wanting it now. But also reevaluate if I can keep it going like this longer term. I have learned this year, that I hate living out of a suitcase even just for occasional weekends. It adds a lot of stress in my life. 

[SooSad33]

So he had mentioned this moving in together, after only dating a few months?  Is this a norm for him?

I know ppl who've dated a few years who did not move in together for a good while.  Moving in together was never mentioned, until they knew is was going down the right road and they were truly compatible etc.

As for you living in a suitcase, sounds like that may how it will have to be, if you don't like it any other way- (if he wont go see you?).  But, that would help some, I'm sure if he were to do some of the travelling.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Summer2424 said:

 he's mentioned being closer together but not living together 

He mentioned recently though that even finding a place 30 minutes away from me would be better. 

Unfortunately he doesn't seem on board with your plans to live together.

Get your own place. Going straight from parents to living with a BF is not a good idea.

You have brought it up and he's not interested. If he were, you would know.

 

[Summer2424]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately he doesn't seem on board with your plans to live together.

Get your own place. Going straight from parents to living with a BF is not a good idea.

You have brought it up and he's not interested. If he were, you would know.

 

The problem is in his talking it seems to go back and forth which is confusing. I'm just curious what he's thinking bc he'll randomly say different things. 

 

Why is moving from parents to a BF a bad idea? Just curious, it's not like I rely on my parents financially or for anything. It's cheaper living there obviously vs apartment rent but I'm self sufficient. 

[Summer2424]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately he doesn't seem on board with your plans to live together.

Get your own place. Going straight from parents to living with a BF is not a good idea.

You have brought it up and he's not interested. If he were, you would know.

 

I've never brought it up really. It's come up in discussion here and there. And he's talked a lot about eventually living together. His comments go back and forth.

[DancingFool]

So where is your voice in all of this???

You are focused a lot on what he said or didn't say and here you are debating this with strangers.....but why aren't you talking to your bf about these issues and concerns you have? He can't read your mind unless you speak up and let him know where you are at and what you want. It will also open the door for him to think more concretely about where he is at and then you both can go from there and figure things out as a couple - move in, too soon, compromise, etc.

Communication OP is what makes or breaks relationships. Don't sit on your hands and read tea leaves into what he may or may not be thinking. Ask, talk, tell him where you stand and how you feel.

C o m m u n i c a t e !

 

[Betterwithout]

Sounds like he wants to take things much slower than your pace towards living together.  Perhaps his first 3 LTR's caused some grief,  and he wants to learn from them.

Get a place on your own closer to his place, sign a 1 year lease and see how the relationship progresses this year.  Then enter in the discussion of moving in together at that time.

[smackie9]

Get your own place closer is a 100% best solution. Independence/ having your own space is healthy for a new relationship. Once this Covid thing finally dies out, you will be spending your time doing your own thing with your own friends, and no dependency on him pretty much being your world.

[melancholy123]

I think you should tell him all of this just as you have told us as you have been very clear and open about what you want and why.  Surely by now you can talk to him openly about what is on your mind.

[Wiseman2]

37 minutes ago, Betterwithout said:

Get a place on your own closer to his place, sign a 1 year lease and see how the relationship progresses this year.  Then enter in the discussion of moving in together at that time.

Agree. Why rush things? It's understandable that the distance is a problematic as well as living with your parents, not having privacy for a relationship, etc.

But he is not offering moving in together.  Also moving in together out of convenience is a huge mistake after only a year of dating.

If you each had your own places closer by, you could alternate driving/visiting etc. and take the strain off.

But those actions would be contingent on you getting your own place, not talking to him over and over when he's clearly 'meh' on the idea.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

Get your own place closer is a 100% best solution. Independence/ having your own space is healthy for a new relationship. Once this Covid thing finally dies out, you will be spending your time doing your own thing with your own friends, and no dependency on him pretty much being your world.

Could not agree more.  I would move in when the purpose is because you're headed towards engagement, marriage or similarly long term and you've both been direct about it and are on the same page.

[Rose Mosse]

I'm getting a lot of frustration and fear. There's also fear of the unknown and it sounds like you really fear your boyfriend's lack of communication or inflexibility using a phone. Why are you bending over backwards for someone who refuses to use a phone properly? Please don't take this on as your sole responsibility. Both of you have to share this and make that commitment to be in this together. You're shouldering a lot. I know what that's like because I used to do it and was way too agreeable with my partners too. You know this problem with him being inflexible isn't going to go away by moving in together, right? Any issues will amplify and become 1000x at the forefront.

One step at a time, talk things over together but don't rush moving in together out of convenience. It's healthy to have your own place as he's not experienced what it's like to visit you. Take your time.

Work out the details of your job and give yourself at least six months to a year to adjust to a new position. If living together happens naturally or the both of you happily (and logically) fall into it and it makes sense in your plans, so be it. For now just settle into your new position at work. Congratulations on the new job too.

[reinventmyself]

3 hours ago, Summer2424 said:

Why is moving from parents to a BF a bad idea? Just curious, it's not like I rely on my parents financially or for anything. It's cheaper living there obviously vs apartment rent but I'm self sufficient. 

because for some people, just because it's cheaper isn't a good enough reason to move in together.  That's what a roommate is for.

You keep saying you don't want to do the back and forth for very much longer.  Are you saying it's not worth it and you would consider ending it over the inconvenience?.  I only ask because when faced with the facts of that statement you keep makin it might get really clear on what's important.  Are you willing to lose him over this.

I get it.  I do the back and forth.  My guy is 10 minutes away and I still live out of an overnight bag.  I've done the 2 hour difference as well.  You are in the majority bythway.  If you aren't living together or married yet, someone is displaced every night you spend together.  Is it not worth it?

My guess is your guy has had enough experience cohabitating, this decision would hold a different weight for him.  I doubt he is taking it lightly.

Sign the lease, move out on your own and let things play out the way they are supposed to without deadlines and ulimatmens.   Id rather my guy be excited about the idea and not second guessing myself that I may be talking him into something he's not entirely ready for.

[indea08]

I thought your original post was well written and sounded level headed. You clearly explained your thoughts and what you need, while being totally open and understanding about why he might feel differently. Maybe let him read what you’ve written and just start a conversation and see where it goes? You really can’t move forward until you know his thoughts, which can only come from him, not us. I think all your points are valid, and I think the suggestions about living closer together but not together are also valid. At 29, I don’t think it’s a mistake to start living together after a year. You guys just have to see if you’re on the same page, or at least close enough to be able to make a good compromise.

[Lambert]

Sounds like you guys are not on the same page. 

I'd focus on my own goals- new job,  new place on my own and let him figure out how he fits in to your life.  

It's a great experience for everyone, men and women, to live alone. You will get to know yourself in ways you can't imagine. you will grow as a person. become more confident etc. 

If he drags his feet or whatever, find out why. and why are you more invested than he is? That's a bad power dynamic. A fast way to lose yourself to your partners needs.  

be your own person, on your own two feet... that's the way to build a strong foundation with a partner. 

[Batya33]

I  would not move in unless you both are on the same page as to why you are choosing to move in.  Convenience? Strong emotional  commitment? Neither?  I don't see moving in together as a step forward in a relationship -it depends how the couple sees it. It's just sharing physical space. My husband and I married when we were 42.  Then we moved in together.  We also lived together for about a month when we dated in the past when we were engaged with the wedding a few months away -which was then canceled.  Anyway we didn't see moving in together as any necessary step in a relationship.  And it would have likely been even more of an adjustment after marriage because three months after marriage someone else moved in with us - our newborn.  There is no comparison IMHO between two people sharing 600 square feet of space and two people and a newborn sharing 600 square feet of space lol.

[Andrina]

I'd be a bit concerned about his relationship history. Living with, and ending, 3 separate relationships I'm assuming within a 10 to 12 year period. What were the reasons he gave for those relationships ending? If he's never had more than a 2 or 3 year relationship, or less, you might consider a pattern you should take note of. If say, a person has never had a relationship last more than 2 years, I wouldn't be moving in with him after 1 year. I'd wonder if he wasn't a good partner, or if he missed red flags of a toxic/inappropriate person, or if he'd sowed his wild oats but now was ready for something serious which would take several more years to see if there'd really been a good change in that direction.

You've never really had to garner his continued interest because you've been making the majority of the effort. Some people will just go along for an easy ride. If I were you, I'd at least suggest that for every 2 or 3 of your visits his way, that the next visit you'd prefer him get a B&B or a hotel room and go your way. You spend all that money on gas, so he should be willing to fork out some dough for gas and a hotel room 2 or 3 times a year.

If he ends up moving 30 minutes away, that'd be great to see how dating him locally works out--witnessing his effort of getting together regularly, to make sure the relationship continues to progress.

You can always address topics without an ultimatum. You can bring it up as: Just thinking of all the pros and cons of all the variables of how we can approach the future. 

And then you can bring up all the alternatives and what they would entail, and then you can listen to his responses.

If you fear losing someone with being honest and communicating what you want, the relationship isn't as strong as you assume or hope for. Did this LDR start off that way? Why did you both choose a LDR? Does he share your ultimate life goals such as marriage or not, kids or not, and major things like that? Does he have a fulfilling life besides being in a romance? Some things to consider while choosing a longterm partner.

[Summer2424]

Thanks everyone!

I think my issue is the conversation from him goes back and forth about it and more talking about the future in different ways. 

I just need to talk to him about it and see what he's feeling. 

I've definitely put more into the relationship as far as effort, that's not his fault but sometimes I question if he'd do the same, because he hasn't had to. 

I do love him a lot and don't want to lose him but I think I need to voice the stress it's causing me with the current situation and try to find a better solution. With all the time we've spent together, A LOT, we seem to be compatible and supportive of one another and i just am not sure I want it to turn into a weekend only thing. I feel like that would be taking a big step back in our relationship. 

Also I should add, my new job and due to the nature of it I'm not allowed to be over 30 minutes from the office due to potential emergencies. So realistically, I won't be able to continue to visit him at this distance for long. 

I'll just be more open about my feelings and see what he's thinking going forward. It's hard when it feels one-sided planning or visiting and I know that part has to change. 

[Rose Mosse]

That sounds good. I hope both of you can talk it out and come to a better arrangement. Take some time to consider your options.

[catfeeder]

On 3/11/2021 at 2:31 AM, Summer2424 said:

The last time he brought up any sort of timeline was mentioning about 6 months out or so but that was a few months ago. I'm just curious what he's thinking now that we're potentially relocating at the same time. 

I don't see a problem raising it exactly this way. 

You might just break a stalemate where you're waiting for him to raise it while sounding as though you want your own place--and he may be doing the exact same thing.

Curiosity is not pushy. You're sensitive to him, and that is likely to come across.

If he's not interested, isn't that something you'll want to know early?

Communicate what's on your mind, let the chips fall, and then you can deal with those rather than speculate. If you believe that the relationship is too fragile for this conversation, that should tell you something important.

[Wiseman2]

On 3/11/2021 at 5:32 PM, Summer2424 said:

'Ive definitely put more into the relationship 

I do love him a lot and don't want to lose him 

Sorry to hear that. Unfortunately you are overinvesting and that is a recipe for heartaches.

You need to figure out your own employment requirements and appropriate housing.

He doesn't want to move in together. Even if he acquiesces to it, you'll be doing even more heavy lifting in the relationship than you are now.