A real mess

[Wan2Bmiseryfree]

It's seems so weird to type out, but it's like she is trying to get me to hit her. Not for some sort of weird sex thing, but because she wants a bruise she can photograph and control me with. I let her move in and she won't move out. I've asked her to after multiple episodes she's had, and she refuses. Not sure I want to give up on us after 8 years but it's an emotional roller coaster ride to the extreme. She can't control herself when it happens. Even when her kids are here and upset by her "episode"  for lack of a better term. The pandemic has made it so much worse. She's super cute, tiny, educated, great cook, and I love her two kids, but I'm stuck, and career challenged. Most of family is dead, and all my friends have moved away. My business partner died just before the pandemic started and times are tough. I think she's begun menopause. I just want to be with someone who is nice! What am I going to do? I put some plants in the only south facing window we have and she freaked! Grabbed a broom and started hitting asparagus seedlings I've sprouted and raised for 2 months. I got in the way so she started hitting me with the broom handle. I grabbed her wrists to stop her after getting hit in the teeth and now the bruises on her wrists are here favorite topic. Ultra confrontational and overly aggressive for little or no reason between 12 and 20 times a year for the last 8. She weighs nothing and loves to drink frequently, sometimes in excess. She has insomnia and is dependant on Ambien. When it comes to me only, she is a mean drunk and takes everything out on me even if not drunk. At the worst I have had to literally run away because she really does go crazy. I've been bitten trying to get away from what appeared at the time to be a growling feral animal, but was her. Here's the real kicker, nobody can tell her anything because she has a phd in clinical psychology, but never got licensed to practice. PsyD actually not phd. I can't tell her anything because I'm an"idiot", and a counselor can't tell her because "they don't have a doctorate", or it's "not from Baylor" like hers is. I can't think of a single person she will listen to. I just want things to stay like they are when things are good instead of having to deal with all this. Now that there's the pandemic she seems to have totally changed and lost interest in our relationship as well. Still won't leave though. I'm at the end of my rope. I sure would appreciate some quality advice as it seems that I am stuck and trapped in a very bad situation and there's causing great misery.

[Scurge]

16 minutes ago, Wan2Bmiseryfree said:

It's seems so weird to type out, but it's like she is trying to get me to hit her. Not for some sort of weird sex thing, but because she wants a bruise she can photograph and control me with. I let her move in and she won't move out. I've asked her to after multiple episodes she's had, and she refuses. Not sure I want to give up on us after 8 years but it's an emotional roller coaster ride to the extreme. She can't control herself when it happens. Even when her kids are here and upset by her "episode"  for lack of a better term. The pandemic has made it so much worse. She's super cute, tiny, educated, great cook, and I love her two kids, but I'm stuck, and career challenged. Most of family is dead, and all my friends have moved away. My business partner died just before the pandemic started and times are tough. I think she's begun menopause. I just want to be with someone who is nice! What am I going to do? I put some plants in the only south facing window we have and she freaked! Grabbed a broom and started hitting asparagus seedlings I've sprouted and raised for 2 months. I got in the way so she started hitting me with the broom handle. I grabbed her wrists to stop her after getting hit in the teeth and now the bruises on her wrists are here favorite topic. Ultra confrontational and overly aggressive for little or no reason between 12 and 20 times a year for the last 8. She weighs nothing and loves to drink frequently, sometimes in excess. She has insomnia and is dependant on Ambien. When it comes to me only, she is a mean drunk and takes everything out on me even if not drunk. At the worst I have had to literally run away because she really does go crazy. I've been bitten trying to get away from what appeared at the time to be a growling feral animal, but was her. Here's the real kicker, nobody can tell her anything because she has a phd in clinical psychology, but never got licensed to practice. PsyD actually not phd. I can't tell her anything because I'm an"idiot", and a counselor can't tell her because "they don't have a doctorate", or it's "not from Baylor" like hers is. I can't think of a single person she will listen to. I just want things to stay like they are when things are good instead of having to deal with all this. Now that there's the pandemic she seems to have totally changed and lost interest in our relationship as well. Still won't leave though. I'm at the end of my rope. I sure would appreciate some quality advice as it seems that I am stuck and trapped in a very bad situation and there's causing great misery.

It's no surprise she was abused and cant get get over it .the only thing you can do is let her know that she has to forgive those that abused her so she can go on with her life. only then can you be in peace with each other. let the past be gone. and move on..

[SooSad33]

Are you serious... 12 to 20 times a year??  Boy, are you overly patient!  And why.. accept it for so long?

She relies on drugs and alcohol.. she becomes violent 😞 

No one should be touching anyone.

No matter what SHE has studied.. She has real problems!  FACT.

Can you not go somewhere, while you wait for her to leave there?

Not sure you can call police in, during an episode- as 'proof' of her 'loss of control/abuse'?

That will then back up your reasons... 

Does she work- pay rent/bills etc?

One way or another.. yes, enough of this abuse crap 😞 

[Scurge]

You want to talk about pain I've been there Locked up in prison for my faults and regrets i have plenty but if you want my advice I'm here talk to me . 

[Wiseman2]

55 minutes ago, Wan2Bmiseryfree said:

 it's like she is trying to get me to hit her.

she wants a bruise she can photograph and control me with. 

I'm stuck, and career challenged. 

I grabbed her wrists to stop her after getting hit in the teeth and now the bruises on her wrists are here favorite topic.

Have the police been there for domestic violence? You have legal options to get her out. Stop beating her up. Leave the area, call the police.

You'll end up with expensive legal problems. This won't end well and you know this. Unfortunately you sound like a textbook abuser. And she is a textbook addict and abuser as well.

[Wan2Bmiseryfree]

"Wise"man2, No the police have not been here. Because I don't beat her up, but if someone hitting you with a broom handle I feel that you have every right to stop them by grabbing their wrists to stop them immediately while telling them to stop relatedly. How is putting a plant in the window abuse again? She has repeatedly rammed me like a mountain yak, running to speed into me for trophy bruises. She tried to physically attack me the day after a double mastectomy and I literally ran away because I thought she was going to hurt herself. Thought I was clear about that in my original post to where I wouldn't be reading things like quit beating her up, but I'm not surprised. People believe the cute woman no matter what, and no matter if mental illness runs in her family. Mom, sister, and nephew have all had to be forced into mental hospitals. I guess you don't understand, and are not as wise as your name implies.

[Wan2Bmiseryfree]

4 hours ago, Scurge said:

You want to talk about pain I've been there Locked up in prison for my faults and regrets i have plenty but if you want my advice I'm here talk to me . 

Thanks.

[Wan2Bmiseryfree]

4 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Are you serious... 12 to 20 times a year??  Boy, are you overly patient!  And why.. accept it for so long?

She relies on drugs and alcohol.. she becomes violent 😞 

No one should be touching anyone.

No matter what SHE has studied.. She has real problems!  FACT.

Can you not go somewhere, while you wait for her to leave there?

Not sure you can call police in, during an episode- as 'proof' of her 'loss of control/abuse'?

That will then back up your reasons... 

Does she work- pay rent/bills etc?

One way or another.. yes, enough of this abuse crap 😞 

When it's good it's great. Before her I was lonely. Since I found my father's dead body I have not wanted to be alone and continue to think things will get better. Yes she contributes by paying the utilities, and some groceries. Her whole family is full of functional alcoholics, but all fairly well off drs and lawyers. i can't afford legal action. She reminds me that she can. I don't want to lose her, I just want this to stop. Thanks for the positivity and not avoiding me off beating her up like the last guy.

[boltnrun]

What if she never stops?

Because...she never will.

It's up to you to decide if your need to not be "alone" is more important than anything else.

[SooSad33]

4 hours ago, Wan2Bmiseryfree said:

i can't afford legal action. She reminds me that she can. I don't want to lose her, I just want this to stop.

You've been around her for years.. Has it.. stopped?

You dont need legal action... cops are not legal action like lawyers...

Sadly, you're stuck.. into thinking SHE has this hold on you!  She does not.

YOU are stuck in this thought that you need her.. You need this kind of treatment? 

Abuse & control?  I dont think you do.

One does NOT need to accept such mis treatment.  I think you should rid of the bad and seek some therapy re: her and your loss 😞 

You need to realize your self worth and see this kind of treatment is Toxic.

You can do much better - instead of being belittled, threatened and attacked.

 

[lostandhurt]

So you want the hot petite woman but not the crazy that comes with her?  Well I hate to break it to you but she is not going to change.  Either learn to live with it or dump her and make her move out.

Two options only.

You cannot fix her, you cannot reason with her and you cannot appease her so she will not abuse you.

Time to save yourself.  If it is your place then go by the Sheriffs office and ask for advice on how best to handle this.  Explain that she gets violent and abusive but you want her to move out but she refuses.  Legally if it is your place then she is a guest and must leave when ordered to.

Just hoping this will change will do nothing, she is who she is.

Lost

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Wan2Bmiseryfree said:

 No the police have not been here.  I feel that you have every right to stop them by grabbing their wrists to stop 

That's why you call the police. They'll arrest both of you, then the courts determine if it was self defense.

The reason you don't call the police is......?

This is so simple. You call the police. You get a restraining order. She comes with a police escort to get her stuff.

You change the locks and delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Simple. Call the police. Get a restraining order. Get her out.

However there's a legal concept called "clean hands". She can and will give them the evidence about your abuse. 

And that's the only reason this is confusing. You know you're abusive and afraid of filing a complaint because of all the evidence she has against you.

[indea08]

I do agree that you need to start creating evidence. Everything you say she’s done is just your word. And because she’s not going to sit in front of a judge and say “yeah, I did all those things,” it’s your word against hers. When she gets so out of control, you should call the police. Let them take a report and document the evidence. She could hurt herself, you, someone else, or her poor children. Plus, why would she ever change her behavior if you’ve not given her any consequences? With her being so small, it would not be hard to make it look like you’ve assaulted her. That will follow you for the rest of your life. It will affect your ability to get a job. It will be something you’ll have to explain to any potential partners. You are in such a high risk situation, you have to move to this step.

Start getting law enforcement involved. Take videos. Build a paper trail and protect yourself. If you can’t do it for you, do it for those precious kids.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Wan2Bmiseryfree said:

Just call and get arrested?

Why would you get arrested if you're not abusing?

[Rose Mosse]

This is so toxic. Separate please and don't get back together with her. Both of you are ruining each other and ultra dependent on the other. 

What kind of advice could you possibly get after you've listed how horrible this relationship is? None of it seems right or healthy or safe. 

[Hollyj]

You are half of the problem as you have allowed all of this.   Call the police and have her removed.  You also need a restraining order.  This situation is sick, but you seem to thrive on it.    

[smackie9]

Sounds like she needs to get into rehab for her substance abused and her mental health issues. You can either suggest it, and voice your concerns, or video tape her episodes, and show her how toxic she is, or next time when she gets physical with you, call an ambulance and explain she's having a psychotic episode, she's violet and needs help. They will take her away for observation for a couple of weeks, and hopefully get help that way.

[Wiseman2]

You do not need to "gather evidence". All you need to do is call 911 when there's violence. Why is that so difficult? When the police are called they will gather evidence and take statements from both if you.

Do not waste time on videotaping etc.  That is how people get killed. One decides to video the episode and the other throws an object at their heads.  Don't be a fool. Act promptly and call the police. 

[Wiseman2]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

You do not need to "gather evidence". All you need to do is call 911 when there's violence. Why is that so difficult? When the police are called they will gather evidence and take statements from both if you.

Do not waste time on videotaping etc.  That is how people get killed. One decides to video the episode and the other throws an object at their heads.  Don't be a fool. Act promptly and call the police.  Any type of domestic violence is not a DIY tv drama.

 

[smackie9]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You do not need to "gather evidence". All you need to do is call 911 when there's violence. Why is that so difficult? When the police are called they will gather evidence and take statements from both if you.

Do not waste time on videotaping etc.  That is how people get killed. One decides to video the episode and the other throws an object at their heads.  Don't be a fool. Act promptly and call the police. 

NO. She can turn it on him that he was the one attacking her, and without proof he will be the one off to jail. Most of the time they side with the women, especially petite women. All they have to do is bruise themselves, and cry, guy gets arrested.

[smackie9]

abuse is not funny. I know people this had happen to. It's so difficult unless you have witnesses or a silent witness. Lots of men don't report the abuse for fear of that and embarrassment.

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

 All they have to do is bruise themselves, and cry, guy gets arrested.

So while she beating him with a broom he should whip out the phone and start making videos rather than  remove himself and Intelligently use the phone to call 911?🤣

[Capricorn3]

On 2/18/2021 at 12:30 PM, Wan2Bmiseryfree said:

 I just want this to stop. 

OP, I am afraid to say you really need a major reality check here.  It will NOT stop . Ever.  This is who she is.  You have seen here true character and believe me, she won't change. In fact, be prepared for things to get increasingly worse.  The only way any of this will stop is if she gets professional help for all her issues.  You could do with some help for yourself too.

To me, the real mess is the fact that you stay. The fact that you put up with her abuse.  The fact that you allow her to treat you this way. THAT is a mess and if you "just want it all to stop", then you need to pack your bags and leave.  

You two are toxic and dysfunctional together.  A bad match.  Either it comes to the point of having restraining orders and police involved, or ........ if you value your sanity, end it for good and never look back.

[Wan2Bmiseryfree]

6 hours ago, smackie9 said:

NO. She can turn it on him that he was the one attacking her, and without proof he will be the one off to jail. Most of the time they side with the women, especially petite women. All they have to do is bruise themselves, and cry, guy gets arrested.

Yes! Thank you! Nobody seems to get that.

[Tinydance]

2 hours ago, Wan2Bmiseryfree said:

Yes! Thank you! Nobody seems to get that.

You really need to end it with her and never speak to her ever again. You are being both emotionally and physically abused! You seem to think this is OK because you're a man and she's a petite woman. If it was a female friend of yours telling you that her boyfriend was doing this to her, what would you think? You'd think the guy is an abuser and scumbag, right? Just because your girlfriend is a woman doesn't change anything. Why do you want to be with someone who treats you like this!