Texting but not planning dates: why do men do this?

[Menara]

@Wiseman2 yes it is the same guy. Except

1) he doesn't really live with his ex. She's just kind of keeping a bedroom in the house as a negotiating tactic (to get money out of him) but she mostly lives at her boyfriend's and not, also doesn't do anything on the farm.

2) he didn't say he wanted casual. He did have that in his profile, and before we met I pointed it out and said that I am not interested in investing time and energy into getting to know someone if it's gonna be just casual and not leading anywhere. He replied that he wasn't actually looking for casual but given the difficulty of his current situation, he didn't feel he could hope/ask for more. He said that he wanted to take things slow and let it naturally develop and see where it goes. 

[Lambert]

12 hours ago, Menara said:

@Tinydance and @boltnrun : thanks for your perspective! I didn't realize I came off as insecure! I haven't had much dating experience outside of the last few months, and the ones I had were of a very different nature. My ex husband (20 years ago mind you!) seemed very clear about what he wanted, and there was never a second of doubt in my mind. And the guy I was seeing for a year, same thing. After the first date we were essentially in a relationship. We didn't need to discuss it, it was just clear and we both knew.

So this whole: let's see how things develop, taking things slow, undecided etc. is kind of new to me, and I'm not sure I like it. I think my problem is not so much insecurity rather than impatience and being too honest or blunt. Two previous guys were definitely flakes so no regrets there. This new guy I think just has a lot going on in his life. I don't even think he is dating anyone else, or even thinking of dating anyone else. 

 

I think you answered your own question... when you had success your hubs and the other longer relationship, they clicked. 

The other things you're describing are when things don't instantly click. A click could come in the future, but sounds like your trying to force the connection because you're impatient and want a relationship.

This is a dangerous mindset... From this approach you may connect your cart to a dysfunctional wagon.  Not only harming yourself,  but missing out on a better wagon. 

Find a way to be cool either way.  I see dating as, I hope for a good time on the date.  It's nice to have a little outing in this crazy pandemic time. Not every on line like makes it to a meeting.  I think both of us (the guy and me) hope it's a click but if it's not that's OK.

I want to be treated a certain way, I want the guy to have a certain je nais que. if he doesn't, he doesn't.  You don't have to do or be the things you state below. Maybe you're trying too hard. Spinning your wheels in the mud, so to speak.. You can decide to let go and just enjoy your life. What comes, comes. What goes, goes. You're ok.

 

11 hours ago, Menara said:

Also, just want to clarify that with this current guy, I had been trying to suggest a few things to him as well. But it seems it either fits his schedule or it doesn't, and often what fits his schedule is extremely inconvenient for mine (like 3-hour lunch dates on work days which means I have to catch up on work on the weekend). I do not want to seem pushy or clingy or demanding, but I just find it very annoying how dating is so antiquated and basically tells women: be accommodating and lovely, don't seem clingy, but also seem sure of yourself but don't be too pushy!! Honestly, who is naturally like that? It's like being a perfect 60's housewife when in our professional lives we have important positions and making big things happen. It's a bit of a disconnect. 

 

[Jibralta]

21 hours ago, Menara said:

I am so confused. Will this also follow the pattern of the other guys? I don't understand how this keeps happening. I tried to figure out if it was somehow my own doing, but I don't feel that is the case. I know that I am a pretty fun person to go on dates with. I can keep up with pretty much any conversation topic, and I make an effort to ask lots of questions, show interest and get to know them. I also know that men find me attractive, so don't think that is an issue. I also don't feel that I come off as too needy or clingy. I am very careful at not overwhelming men with text messages, especially throughout the day. I will reply quickly if I receive a text from them, but am otherwise trying to keep a balance between frequency, content etc. I am very self aware when it comes to those things. I try to be cheery, fun and relaxed in my communications.

I think men do this for the same reason that women do it: they are multi-dating and not in a rush to settle down with any one person.

When you see this happening, it's time to move on. Despite what they may say on their dating profile, despite how fun the dates were, a committed, long term relationship is not their priority.

[Menara]

@lostandhurt

I do receive quite a few messages every day. I think right now I have something like 600 likes in my Tinder and about 20 messages. i do feel that I am good at weeding them out. I generally don't agree to meet men in person who either: use too many emojis, are pushy from the start, seem like players, ask to see nude photos or send me some (!!), seem lonely and desperate, use words like "sweetheart or honey or love" before even meeting them. 

In fact, especially with Covid and all, I don't agree to meet many men. And the ones I agree to meet it's because I feel we seem to have a genuine connection before hand, and we had some good conversations either over text or phone. I am actually pretty picky and don't have a lot of time for dating. Until I finally agree to meet someone the chances of getting along are generally quite high. 

[Lambert]

7 minutes ago, Menara said:

@lostandhurt

I do receive quite a few messages every day. I think right now I have something like 600 likes in my Tinder and about 20 messages. i do feel that I am good at weeding them out. I generally don't agree to meet men in person who either: use too many emojis, are pushy from the start, seem like players, ask to see nude photos or send me some (!!), seem lonely and desperate, use words like "sweetheart or honey or love" before even meeting them. 

In fact, especially with Covid and all, I don't agree to meet many men. And the ones I agree to meet it's because I feel we seem to have a genuine connection before hand, and we had some good conversations either over text or phone. I am actually pretty picky and don't have a lot of time for dating. Until I finally agree to meet someone the chances of getting along are generally quite high. 

just an observation.... Tinder is for hook ups. Match or the others are for those not looking to hook up, but to find a relationship. (granted either could be on either site. it's not a rule) 

So you maybe barking up the wrong tree and have better quality matches on a different site. 

[smackie9]

 I agree tinder is not really the right site for what you are looking for. maybe that's why you are getting so hit up...because most of those guys are looking for a hookup.

[Menara]

I disagree. I've actually tried every single site over the period of two years. It took me a long time to give Tinder a go because it had that reputation. In reality though, at least where I live (Ottawa), there are way more people on Tinder than other sites, and I don't find that they are more likely to be looking for hookups than other sites.

First site I tried was OK Cupid because it was supposed to be more artsy. But I found that most people were checking it irregularly and overall the quality of people there wasn't that great. Lots of weirdos. Then I tried Match which I later discovered was similar than Plenty of Fish: lots of old, bald fat dudes with big trucks and tattoes and photos of themselves with dead fish. Not my thing.

I found people on Tinder and also Bumble to be overall more interesting. I met my ex boyfriend on Tinder. 

[Lambert]

3 minutes ago, Menara said:

I disagree. I've actually tried every single site over the period of two years. It took me a long time to give Tinder a go because it had that reputation. In reality though, at least where I live (Ottawa), there are way more people on Tinder than other sites, and I don't find that they are more likely to be looking for hookups than other sites.

First site I tried was OK Cupid because it was supposed to be more artsy. But I found that most people were checking it irregularly and overall the quality of people there wasn't that great. Lots of weirdos. Then I tried Match which I later discovered was similar than Plenty of Fish: lots of old, bald fat dudes with big trucks and tattoes and photos of themselves with dead fish. Not my thing.

I found people on Tinder and also Bumble to be overall more interesting. I met my ex boyfriend on Tinder. 

I'm not challenging your experience.  But a lot people looking to just hook up, don't come right out and say it.

They may meet up with you and of course they're charming and connecting with you,  but when the physical aspects don't materialize, you get back burnered. 

Meaning they will reach out, keep you as an option but they are looking for something else.  If they don't find it, they'll hit you up again.

 

[Menara]

@Lambert Yes, I completely agree, and I have definitely encountered many people like that. The more you meet the more you see them miles away the next time. haha. 

That being said, I find that the percentages of people only looking for hookups are about the same from one site to another. In fact, I have probably met more people on Match specifically looking for hookups than Tinder. That's my experience in any case, but this data might vary from one city to another. In Ottawa, that seems to be the case.

[Lambert]

9 minutes ago, Menara said:

@Lambert Yes, I completely agree, and I have definitely encountered many people like that. The more you meet the more you see them miles away the next time. haha. 

That being said, I find that the percentages of people only looking for hookups are about the same from one site to another. In fact, I have probably met more people on Match specifically looking for hookups than Tinder. That's my experience in any case, but this data might vary from one city to another. In Ottawa, that seems to be the case.

you're right there are all kinds on all the sites.  Some people say all the good ones are taken.  I'm a good one, I'm not taken... So like so many other things in life, it's impossible to paint with a wide brush.

Having kept up with this thread,  reading your responses, and those from others. I think it comes down to rejecting guys that don't step up.

Regardless of how you met. If he isn't moving along with you,  scheduling dates and following through with actions that match his words,  cut the cord. delete, block, unmatch....

And definitely stop trying to make it happen more than once.  Don't sugar coat or over explain... but be casual-

do you want to meet on Wed or Thurs this week?

Give two options. Allow them to say yes or no. You'll know they're interested if they say yes or counter another day AND follow thru.

Anything less, assume they have too much going on to be a real candidate for a relationship. Don't take it personally.  they don't even know you or what a great woman they are missing! ❤

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Menara said:

@Wiseman2He said that he wanted to take things slow and let it naturally develop and see where it goes. 

Ok, that seems like casual. So a guy who lives with an ex and hardly has time to see you is ok but guys who use emojis are not ok?

[Menara]

@Wiseman2 I have nothing against emojis. I use them all the time. There is a type of men though that seem to communicate mainly using emojis and abbreviations. If you can't write a full sentence in a reply to me, it's not worth my time!

As for the current guy, he does make time to see me, and I do end up seeing him actually quite a bit. It's just that his planning is kind of all over the place. And I'll see him lots one week then not at all the other week, or perhaps just for a quick lunch date. 

The "living" with the ex thing doesn't bother me in the sense of her still having a foot in the house. He has explained the situation to me, and it makes sense. I have also verified this information on a little online snooping research and is ex has as her FB status "in a relationship" with some dude. So, I don't doubt that story. But bothers me about this situation is: a) that because of it, I cannot go to his place which would make the whole date scheduling a little easier. So part of our current difficulty of meeting is related to that situation, and b) he seems kind of passive or not proactive in getting this situation settled. It seems his ex is unpleasant and manipulative. For example, he set up a mediator appointment in December and she didn't show up. I honestly he is a bit afraid of her, reason why he's stalling. 

[tattoobunnie]

If they ask for your number, write, "I'm not great about texting.  Give me a call if you want to meet up for a date." 

Any the guy who wants to get to know you, the real you, will call.

Don't get stuck in the texting loop.  Take several hours to respond.  If they try to make you a penpal, say, "can't text right now. Call me later if you want."

[Jibralta]

21 minutes ago, Menara said:

It's just that his planning is kind of all over the place. And I'll see him lots one week then not at all the other week, or perhaps just for a quick lunch date. 

The "living" with the ex thing doesn't bother me in the sense of her still having a foot in the house. He has explained the situation to me, and it makes sense. I have also verified this information on a little online snooping research and is ex has as her FB status "in a relationship" with some dude. So, I don't doubt that story. But bothers me about this situation is: a) that because of it, I cannot go to his place which would make the whole date scheduling a little easier. So part of our current difficulty of meeting is related to that situation, and b) he seems kind of passive or not proactive in getting this situation settled. It seems his ex is unpleasant and manipulative. For example, he set up a mediator appointment in December and she didn't show up. I honestly he is a bit afraid of her, reason why he's stalling.

You have volume on your side, and a steady influx of potential suitors. Why get hung up waiting around for one guy to get himself together? Especially one that's still living with his ex? Surely someone better will come along. 

[Wiseman2]

26 minutes ago, Menara said:

a) that because of it, I cannot go to his place which would make the whole date scheduling a little easier.

b) he seems kind of passive or not proactive in getting this situation settled. 

Agree. Nix guys who are just about "hey😍 wassup", etc. Take your time with this guy. He is clearly riding things out. In the meantime, don't forgo better men.

[Rose Mosse]

With the advent of apps and messaging I think this is just a byproduct of 21st century living. People over-use texts and it's a lazy person's way of checking in with minimal effort or thought. I do text minimally with old, old friends but it's usually either video call or phone call. 

I can usually suss out within one or two days what type of person a person is. I reply to texts with a call the next day. I rarely respond with a text. After a couple of times most people start to get the drift that I don't text back as quickly or respond to text messages and the faders will fade. And I will have felt like I won the lottery. They're gone. Good. 

Don't let this get the better of you. It sounds more like you've met interesting people but none of them had a chemistry or situation that matches yours to date seriously. Keep doing your thing. If you're burnt out take a break. 

 

[boltnrun]

Why can't you go to his place?  You said his ex wife is seldom there, correct?

[Menara]

@boltnrun Correct she's seldom there because he is primarily taking care of their daughter. So, when she's not there he has the daughter and the rare times she is taking care of their kid, she does so in the house (while he's away) because she doesn't want to take the daughter to the boyfriend's (whom the daughter hasn't met yet).

[boltnrun]

Just now, Menara said:

@boltnrun Correct she's seldom there because he is primarily taking care of their daughter. So, when she's not there he has the daughter and the rare times she is taking care of their kid, she does so in the house (while he's away) because she doesn't want to take the daughter to the boyfriend's (whom the daughter hasn't met yet).

Gotcha.

I respect him for not having women stay overnight while he has his child and for not introducing you to her too soon.  He seems like a good father.

I know when I was a single mother and dating I would not have a man visit or stay overnight when I had my kids with me.  Some men I dated were OK with that, others were not so OK.  But of course my kids came first and if a man didn't like that I prioritized them he could bounce, fine with me.

If this inconsistency continues (which given his circumstances it probably will for some time), do you like him enough to work around his schedule?

[Andrina]

2 hours ago, Menara said:

he seems kind of passive or not proactive in getting this situation settled. It seems his ex is unpleasant and manipulative. For example, he set up a mediator appointment in December and she didn't show up. I honestly he is a bit afraid of her, reason why he's stalling. 

Oh, wow. I would never get involved with someone who has this sort of ex drama. What you see in the present is what you should expect forever or at least until his child is grown and no longer lives with him. It's foolish to hope for things to change for the better in major instances like this. I'd make it a rule to only date guys who are amicable with their exes (if they share a child) and have a healthy co-parenting plan in place.

You did some wise releasing of men who didn't share your dating goals. I feel like my life has paralleled yours in many ways, with the end of a long marriage, and then attempting to date a workaholic. I made some good decisions in dating after my divorce, and made numerous mistakes.

I think one mistake was having intimacy too soon before really seeing whether or not the guy's intention was really getting to know me for longterm potential versus getting into my pants.

I was okay multi dating when it was just one or two dates that didn't involve becoming affectionate. But I've never been able to start making out with one guy and then accept a date with another guy. If it was going to that point, I did ask the guy what his dating style was, and if he said it took him a really long time to decide to be exclusive while he multidated, like 3 or 4 months, I wasn't really comfortable doing that and took the nearest exit.

Because even if not serious with someone and just getting to know them, if we're making out, I want us to be focused solely on each other and explore the possibilities of us, without outside interference.

You're doing what I had to do--sift through a lot of sand to find the treasure. I also like having a lifetime companion, and it was a frustrating process. I had to go on dates with 30 men over a 2 and a half year period before finding my future husband.

With all the trouble I had to go through to find him, I appreciated him all the more. I never had to wonder if he was interested. He made that crystal clear by setting up regular dates with me and accepting my invites. We just matched on how much time we liked to spend together and how much we communicated in texts and calls.

Think of it more as how rare it is to find someone who matches you in all the major ways, and that it's no surprise it won't work out more often than it does. That's a more realistic expectation. Have a wait-and-see attitude and be pleasantly surprised when things actually gel with a potential partner. And if it's not happening with the guy, think of it as freeing yourself to be available for a better match. Take care.

 

[Tinydance]

I kind of feel like you want to find someone so badly that you are actually trying to force it a bit and you're also not actually paying attention to what these guys are saying. And paying attention to the signs. I think you're just trying to hear what you want to hear. This current guy did say he's looking for something for casual. I know you clarified and said you don't want casual. So he said something about his situation not being good and that he wants to take it slow. So essentially he still said he wants something more slow and casual. But he just realised that by saying casual he's putting women off, so he sugar coated it. I don't think this guy is really what you're looking for because you don't want something slow and casual, you want a progressing relationship. I don't think you and this guy are looking for the same thing but you want it to the what you want. So you're getting frustrated and you want to push for more dates and stuff.

I'm definitely not denying that it's really hard to find someone but if you really want a real relationship, why waste your time on unsuitable guys? It won't lead to anything most likely so while you get attention from this guys, there won't be an end result. I think you need to date a few guys at the same time and if they're too wishy washy, just get rid of them. By continuing to text long or keep waiting for dates you're just missing out on opportunities with other guys. E.g. the guy you only saw three times in two months. Obviously he wasn't wanting to go on dates so why waste two months on him? If you go on a date then there's no next date for many weeks, you can see that person's level of interest in you is low. And I don't actually think that people are super busy so they can still organise at least a few shorter dates here and there. Also you've only been single for seven months so what's the rush to find someone ASAP. You already have kids so it's not like your biological clock is ticking or anything. Take your time finding a good person.

[Menara]

@Andrina I've definitely gone on 30+ dates in the past two years, and that's taking into consideration that I was seeing someone for a year during that time. Lots and lots of dating. I've become a bit better at assessing before-hand whether they're worth meeting or not. I think at least!

@Tinydance  I have continued going on dates with other men through the guy that only set up 3 dates in two months. I try as much as possible not to sleep with multiple people at the same time, although it does happen. But that's not my preferred scenario. I do like to give someone a try while still looking around and keeping my options open. But generally I will get somewhat emotionally attached after a few months despite my efforts to keep expectations low and options open. 

This current guy, to be honest I wouldn't normally give him much of a chance. The thing is though that we have a really really great time when we are together. I really feel like we have very good chemistry, and we are able to talk about a variety of topics openly. I've been seeing a therapist once every 4-6 weeks depending on my schedule since my separation, and she was surprised about how I talked about this guy. She thought that this was the first guy in the two years that she's known me that I didn't have anything negative to say about (usually I have a long list!) except my concern about his lack of availability and situation. Anyway, all that to say that after 30+ dates, I recognize when I really like someone, and I really like this guy. The situation is crappy, but I don't want to just walk away. I feel like I should give him at least until 3 months and then reassess the situation.

[reinventmyself]

8 hours ago, Menara said:

 

2) he didn't say he wanted casual. He did have that in his profile, and before we met I pointed it out and said that I am not interested in investing time and energy into getting to know someone if it's gonna be just casual and not leading anywhere. He replied that he wasn't actually looking for casual but given the difficulty of his current situation, he didn't feel he could hope/ask for more. He said that he wanted to take things slow and let it naturally develop and see where it goes. 

My sense is, if you are bold enough to put that writing (casual) that's pretty much putting a stamp on it. 

He gave just enough double talk after the fact to keep you hooked.  He's no dummy.  I'll give him that. He sensed if he was transparent with you, you would have walked.  But it doesn't translate into him wanting a relationship. 

Anything other than yes, is a no. 

[Andrina]

1 hour ago, Menara said:

except my concern about his lack of availability and situation.

Those things are major. Don't let your frustration of dating failures over the years have you settling. I believe that happened to me and I ended up with the workaholic for a year. When I got time and distance away from that bad situation, I saw that my self-worth at the time was lower than I realized. After that breakup, I met my future husband 9 months later and he had all the time in the world for me, and I finally had a partner I could actually regularly enjoy life with. Having chemistry and having fun are only two parts of the puzzle. When other major pieces are missing, the picture is totally incomplete and useless.

[LootieTootie]

Is this guy's profile still on Tinder?