I’m confused over our sex life

[Jibralta]

15 hours ago, caraviolin said:

He is so much better than all my past boyfriends.

Would you still stay if I told you that there are men out there who are far better than your current boyfriend? Or do you not believe that?

[Hollyj]

Where are you, Cara?

[maritalbliss86]

22 hours ago, caraviolin said:

I really want kids one day and the fact he cannot orgasm easily plays on my mind, if we end up having kids together. I’m also 36, I’m not getting any younger. Is this what happens to men in their mid 30’s? Is sex really this hard? If it’s this hard for a man to orgasm in me, my body will give me even more of a fight just due to me getting older. My biological clock is ticking.

YIKES OP none of this sounds good!!!!

Please leave, find another man.  You can always get a dildo for in between for your own sexual needs. 

But this is borderline abusive!!!! 

Having kids with a man like this would be your biggest mistake though!  Yikes!!!

 

Edited to add... to answer your question if sex gets that difficult in your 30's or with a man getting older. NO, it shouldn't at all.  My husband is a pretty regular guy, and he always is able to last long enough and has no trouble remaining erect etc.  He gets hard usually from just looking at me if we're alone.  We don't even have to do any foreplay... we have all kinds of sex and it's always amazing in it's different ways. 

You deserve something more like that!  This sounds abusive and horrible in my opinion.

[LaHermes]

10 hours ago, Hollyj said:

"I cook, clean and massage him whenever he wants."   What does he do for you? 

Hon, this guy sounds like a loser.  Raise your standards.  

You know, I read this thread with utter disbelief. 

If this is the best you can do, OP, then your sense of dignity and self-worth is non-existent.

 

 

[caraviolin]

1 hour ago, Hollyj said:

Where are you, Cara?

Hi Holly, hi everyone. 
We have a sexual dynamic in that he likes me to be submissive. I like that too. However, in the past, I’d sometimes ask him to change the angle or to maybe kiss me during sex. He told me he hates it when I instruct him, and that’s another reason he loses the erection. So now I stay quiet. He is really into the dominant aspect of sex. I like it sometimes but there are other times I want it to be tender. We can’t seem to be tender. 

I stay with him because I think he’s handsome. I think he’s pretty patient with me. I don’t know if I’ll find a guy as patient as he is. I’m in therapy for almost a year due to severe OCD. I’ve never told him much about it due to it not being appropriate..he’s not my therapist. However, I’m really affectionate and I’m afraid I won’t find another guy as affectionate.

 

Im scared to be alone. The pandemic makes it hard for me to picture dating. It I were to map out the timetable, if I broke up with him now, it would take another year to be single, then a year of dating probably, and then a relationship. Probably a year of getting to know the guy. That would take me to 39 at the soonest. That’s already too late to have kids. I feel my only option is to stay. 
 

My dad is very sick with severe Parkinsons. I love at my house. I feel alone. My parents always fight due to the severe stress my mother is going through. I have to stay right now at my house in order to help her. We can’t afford to put him in a rehab center. And the nurse coming to help after the holidays can’t be for a long time due to finances. My mother is almost 80. It’s terrible. 
 

having my boyfriend means I can escape from my house. He offers a male presence in my life that I don’t have otherwise. 
 

I feel my life is already coming to the critical point, and that I don’t have the time to date around and find a guy to marry. If I were 30, yeah. But I’m getting older. 
 

I feel if I stay I can make things better, that now he is moving to his own place the end of January, things will be better. Idk.
 

 

[MissCanuck]

You are in for a lifetime of unhappiness with this  man. 

Just understand that you're choosing that if you stay.

[boltnrun]

The reasons you list for staying in this relationship are so sad.  Seriously, that is a sad list.

Imagine having a child with this man.  Do you really think he is father material?

Just realize, staying in this relationship makes your issues worse, not better.

[Hollyj]

This is your barometer for a partner: "I stay with him because I think he’s handsome. I think he’s pretty patient with me."   Good God!

You settle because you are in your late 30's.  This is really sad. This guy sounds like an absolute pig.  Don't you think that it is time to be independent and not rely on other for your happiness and support?   This sounds like such a devaluing relationship.   I hope that you wake up and take control of your life.  

What does he do for you?   He is abusive.  I suggest counseling for your low self worth.

[maritalbliss86]

18 minutes ago, caraviolin said:

Im scared to be alone. The pandemic makes it hard for me to picture dating. It I were to map out the timetable, if I broke up with him now, it would take another year to be single, then a year of dating probably, and then a relationship. Probably a year of getting to know the guy. That would take me to 39 at the soonest. That’s already too late to have kids. I feel my only option is to stay.

1) Being alone can be fun.  You can always have pets.  I know it's stereotypical about old cat ladies, but cats are nice!  You can forge your own path here, and still enjoy life.  Plus there's something therapeutic about taking care of animals ❤️ 

2) There's a commenter that had a child after age 40, but I don't think she would have spent time in a relationship like this.  It's abusive. Period.  

3) You'll have to face your fear of being alone in order to give yourself what you need/want in life.  And that goes for everyone ❤️ You can do it, but you have to walk away from him.

[LaHermes]

19 minutes ago, caraviolin said:

Im scared to be alone.

That is dreadful, OP. Do you realise what you are even saying. That this man is "better than nothing" .  Ms.Canuck is very right that you are in for a lifetime of unhappiness with this man.  Don't even let it cross your mind to have children with him.

Honestly, you give me the shivers.  But I can see you are in a panic.  Are you listening to what you are saying!

25 minutes ago, caraviolin said:

I stay with him because I think he’s handsome.

23 minutes ago, caraviolin said:

I feel my only option is to stay. 
 

Try to think straight, and if you can't then get your therapist to help you do so. Meantime, please stop futurising and catastrophising. You cannot foretell the future, none of us can. But it sure looks bleak if you stay with this person. 

[Hollyj]

30 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

That is dreadful, OP. Do you realise what you are even saying. That this man is "better than nothing" .  Ms.Canuck is very right that you are in for a lifetime of unhappiness with this man.  Don't even let it cross your mind to have children with him.

Honestly, you give me the shivers.  But I can see you are in a panic.  Are you listening to what you are saying!

Try to think straight, and if you can't then get your therapist to help you do so. Meantime, please stop futurising and catastrophising. You cannot foretell the future, none of us can. But it sure looks bleak if you stay with this person. 

I do not understand how some can settle for so little.   Looking forward to a life of misery, and having a partner force you to do something that is not pleasurable and painful.    Where are you in all of this?   This is all about him!       This makes me sad. 

[boltnrun]

My brother in law's ex girlfriend wanted kids.  She was older than him and felt she didn't have time to waste.  He hemmed and hawed and came up with a zillion excuses why they couldn't get married and/or have kids "yet".  So she chose to break up with him despite knowing she may not get another chance.

Well, guess what?  A year later she was happily married and expecting her first child.

What does your therapist say about your excuses for staying with this awful man?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, caraviolin said:

We have a sexual dynamic in that he likes me to be submissive. I like that too.

Ok, perhaps you need some boundaries if you are doing BDSM. For example safe practices/words. Research the BDSM community for better information. Is this the guy who choked you so hard you lost consciousness and wouldn't call the EMTs?

Also research Erectile Dysfunction.  As the name suggests it is not a complete inability to be erect or a persistent flaccid state. It means difficult staying erect enough for penetration, losing an erection before or during sex, etc.

It has physiological as well as psychological components. How old is he? Does he drink heavily, use excessive pornography or have health problems? Losing his erection has nothing to do with BDSM practices. Do  not have sex if either of you are using drugs/drinking. He's unsafe in general.

[reinventmyself]

This situation may be way too complex for what sounds like a simple solution. 

Learn to be single.  Become independent, stand alone, love yourself and don't consider dating until you become good at all the above.

You'll make better choices, you won't settle, you recognize your worth and wouldn't tolerate, for a flat second, any man that treats you this way.

Never date out of fear.  You end up in toxic situations, similar to this.

Learn to love yourself.  Believe you deserve better.

Severe OCD and you think its inappropriate to share that with him? ?  My heart kinda breaks for you.

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, caraviolin said:

I feel my life is already coming to the critical point, and that I don’t have the time to date around and find a guy to marry.

In other words, you are staying out of desperation because you think this is the best that you can do. I feel sorry for you because I think you can do better.

[LaHermes]

2 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

Learn to be single.  Become independent, stand alone, love yourself and don't consider dating until you become good at all the above.

Precisely, Reinvent.

Caraviolin. Back in August 2019 Figureitout gave you good advice.  

And, again, please talk to your therapist about your attraction to toxic relationships. 

[Andrina]

Bringing a child into the world with this sort of man would be cruel to the child. Sorry if your life plan won't come to fruition because you're not in the optimum circumstances to make those wishes come true. Keep an open mind to alternative solutions of being a parent to someone who is not your biological child if you can raise one solo or find a good man when you're a bit older.

I had a friend who also made decisions in a panic because her biological clock was ticking. She became impregnated by a far younger guy whose brain wasn't fully developed to know what the hell he was doing. He, for the most part, abandoned the family when his daughter was 2, and she suffers from that now, afraid her mother will abandon her as well.

Even though children bring joy, they also bring a lot of stress, and a couple has to be rock solid to thrive and survive. Weak unions will crumble with the stress.

That particular friend also told me she married too young out of high school in her first marriage, escaping a life of turmoil in her family home. Her husband cheated on her and that marriage ended. You're making the same mistake, even though you're an adult. You're jumping from a frying pan and into a fire. That man doesn't care about you or your needs. You two found each other because you're both coming from dysfunctional psyches. 

Leave Mr. Floppy to live in his own hell. You only have control of yourself, so begin working on your self esteem with books and therapy. When you learn to be be fulfilled solo, you'll never rely on a man to provide that for you. You'll only want to share that happiness with a companion, versus him being an escape or a false source of happiness. Take care.

[Hollyj]

3 hours ago, Andrina said:

Bringing a child into the world with this sort of man would be cruel to the child. Sorry if your life plan won't come to fruition because you're not in the optimum circumstances to make those wishes come true. Keep an open mind to alternative solutions of being a parent to someone who is not your biological child if you can raise one solo or find a good man when you're a bit older.

I had a friend who also made decisions in a panic because her biological clock was ticking. She became impregnated by a far younger guy whose brain wasn't fully developed to know what the hell he was doing. He, for the most part, abandoned the family when his daughter was 2, and she suffers from that now, afraid her mother will abandon her as well.

Even though children bring joy, they also bring a lot of stress, and a couple has to be rock solid to thrive and survive. Weak unions will crumble with the stress.

That particular friend also told me she married too young out of high school in her first marriage, escaping a life of turmoil in her family home. Her husband cheated on her and that marriage ended. You're making the same mistake, even though you're an adult. You're jumping from a frying pan and into a fire. That man doesn't care about you or your needs. You two found each other because you're both coming from dysfunctional psyches. 

Leave Mr. Floppy to live in his own hell. You only have control of yourself, so begin working on your self esteem with books and therapy. When you learn to be be fulfilled solo, you'll never rely on a man to provide that for you. You'll only want to share that happiness with a companion, versus him being an escape or a false source of happiness. Take care.

"Leave Mr. Floppy to live in his own hell."   Hilarious!  The sad bit is that it is true.   

[caraviolin]

11 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, perhaps you need some boundaries if you are doing BDSM. For example safe practices/words. Research the BDSM community for better information. Is this the guy who choked you so hard you lost consciousness and wouldn't call the EMTs?

Also research Erectile Dysfunction.  As the name suggests it is not a complete inability to be erect or a persistent flaccid state. It means difficult staying erect enough for penetration, losing an erection before or during sex, etc.

It has physiological as well as psychological components. How old is he? Does he drink heavily, use excessive pornography or have health problems? Losing his erection has nothing to do with BDSM practices. Do  not have sex if either of you are using drugs/drinking. He's unsafe in general.

Yes, Wiseman. This is the same boyfriend. He does a lot of Nicotine products, not smoking or gaping but pouches. Idk if that has any bearing.

its 2:30 in the morning right now, as I write this, and I’m sobbing. 

So today, he was playing his games as usual, for hours. I ended up getting a bit impatient when he promised me after a nice walk around the park that we were going to watch a movie and instead went back to games when we got back. He said, after we watch a movie I’ll have sex with you. I said, sure, only if he wants ( I wasn’t feeling that sexual tonight). 

he ended up playing, again, well into the night and I just wanted to sleep (see, he lives at his house with parents, and his game room is his bedroom, the only room we use in the house). finally he came to bed. He began to initiate sex with me and I went along because I’m pretty much always down). However I was half asleep and didn’t move well when I was on top. As a result, my sudden asthma and my tiredness caused lulls in the moves and he went soft. I knew exactly why he did, because I wasn’t moving, apologized, and told him let’s continue this tomorrow.  This is when the night went south. 
 

He started mocking me that the reason he went soft was because of me, and that since I’m always giving him a hard time about him getting soft, and in so many words said now I have a taste of my own medicine. I immediately recoiled at this. I couldn’t believe he was being so cold to me.

I asked him why did he just ruin a time when I was being intimate with him. He asked, why am I always so critical of him. He said, that’s all he hears: you don’t cum inside, you don’t last, why don’t you get hard looking at me, wah wah wha. I started to tear up upon hearing this because I always phrase these things like, sex is so amazing, what can I do better? I try so hard to be positive with him. 

 He said he’s tired of hearing me complain. I told him, I let you play games practically all day and do whatever you want, and he responded with, well you should, it’s my own f***g place! At that, I started to feel sick. 
 

he said, “ most of my friends have a girlfriend  come over once a week for a couple hours. They don’t stay a whole weekend.  You come to me and stay weekends, and you expect me to spend a few hours with you each day, angry if I don’t give you sex twice a day for crying out loud. “

at this point I started to think of this thread and everything you guys said, and I was starting to believe it it all today,  until he said all of that, and I suddenly felt worthless and devalued. I felt like the problems here are all my fault. I felt foolish to think my man would want to spend every day of the weekend with me, when he clearly has a problem with it, though I never even had an idea he did before. He was always telling me he enjoys the time with me. 
 

I told him, then let’s take a break and I won’t see you next weekend, And at this my voice got a bit louder. He told me to “lower my f***g voice”. He had never cursed at me before. I began to tell him perhaps since my presence stresses him so much and since I’m clearly a total nagging bitch in the relationship, perhaps it’s best that we go our separate ways. Before I could, he picked up his pillow and told me he was sleeping on the couch. 
 

I’m going to leave here early tomorrow (today) and go back home. I’ll be leaving here, feeling like the whole issue with our relationship was bec
 

[MissCanuck]

10 minutes ago, caraviolin said:

I’m going to leave here early tomorrow (today) and go back home. I’ll be leaving here, 

I hope you do follow through, and stick to it. 

This man is awful, Cara. He's shown you that over and over. Good for you for finally summoning the courage to do something about it and remove yourself from the situation. 

There is no happy future for you with him. Please, take time to be single and figure out why you let this go on so long and destroy your self-esteem. When you address that, you will run a mile away from men who treat you badly, rather than latching on them as a means of measuring your self-worth. Surround yourself with friends and family who love you and truly want the best for you, and end this toxic relationship. 

[boltnrun]

If you stay after this incident things will only continue to get worse.

[Jibralta]

5 hours ago, caraviolin said:

I began to tell him perhaps since my presence stresses him so much and since I’m clearly a total nagging bitch in the relationship, perhaps it’s best that we go our separate ways. Before I could, he picked up his pillow and told me he was sleeping on the couch.

I’m going to leave here early tomorrow (today) and go back home.

Too bad you didn't complete that sentence and leave right then and there. You don't have a leg to stand on. He doesn't care, Cara. He knows that you care about this relationship way more than he does, and he's taking full advantage. You can't win here. You will only lose.

[LaHermes]

Please please Cara. You need to leave this individual forever, not just for today and tomorrow. You will destroy yourself and your life if you don't. 

As Jibralta just said, he doesn't CARE.  He has no time for you, doesn't respect you, ill-treats you verbally and emotionally, manipulates you so that you aren't thinking straight.  What on earth drew you to this type in the first place, I ask.

I endorse what Ms. Canuck said:

"Please, take time to be single and figure out why you let this go on so long and destroy your self-esteem. "

 

 

 

[1a1a]

My 2 cents, it doesn’t look like he does anything to meet you half way. 
 

And the wisdom of the ages is that if you carry the whole relationship there is no relationship there to carry, just a tired, sad, you who won’t be able to form a meaningful connection with someone who can actually love you the way you love them because this parasite has occupied space in your heart. 
 

On a practical note, invest in a good sex toy. Whether you save yourself and dump this guy or stay a little longer, you’ll get more satisfaction from it. 

[Jibralta]

1 minute ago, 1a1a said:

if you carry the whole relationship there is no relationship there to carry

Very true!!