What should I do

[Mayo l22]

I totally agree with you, exs some time act selfish although they are the ones who dumped us.

[Wiseman2]

Try to think of it this way. The reason you are struggling is not because of what he wants. It would be a simple decision to cut all contact and cleanly end it.

 

The worry and angst and pain come from you. That you want to be friends, that you want to in fact reconcile. You want to turn the clock back to a place before the breakup. A place where this friendship turned into dating.

 

And that is why you feel so torn and undecided. It's about you hoping to reconcile via the friends turned into lovers route.

[Mayo l22]

Yea I thought about that once I agreed to stay friends, then I tell myself why would I struggle alone trying to get him back when he simply do nothing, and the breakup was not my fault , and I did nothing wrong , I'm just tired of trying hard and end up feeling this way , so I decided when I accepted friendship it's only friendship and I will not be looking for more.

[DancingFool]

Mayo, he doesn't want YOU.

 

What he wants is to alleviate his guilt over dumping you.

What he wants is to use you to get over you.

What he wants is to boost his ego because he dumped you and you are still his doormat at his beck and call, trying to be "cool", trying to be "friends".

What he wants is to jerk you around because it makes him feel good and powerful.

 

He doesn't care about you. He is only out for himself. So please please just block him already and end this drama. You can't roll back the time or turn off your feelings like a switch or pretend you weren't in a relationship. You cannot just go back to what was. Life doesn't work like that and you need to actually focus on you, on healing, on letting go and BOUNDARIES. When someone is trying to take advantage of you, like this guy is, recognize it and cut him off. True friends care about your feelings, this guy is demonstrating to you over and over that he does not. Do you even understand that or do you think that him contacting you means he cares and why you won't block him?

[Mayo l22]

I won't block him because I still care about him even as a friend, but I just want time apart to heal , I'm still friend with most of my ex's and it cuz me no harm as I no longer have feelings , I really understand what you are trying to say and you are right , but blocking people I used to know just doesn't feel right for me

[lostandhurt]

This is my last thoughts on the matter.

 

I think you secretly want him back and are trying to figure out how far you should distance yourself so he wants you back but not so far that he loses interest.

 

I know you are hurting and haven't gotten the answers you wanted but sometimes the truth hurts and goes against what we want.

 

If you choose to be friends with him and get hurt some more just come back here and we will help.

 

There are times our hearts make us learn things the hard way and this may be one of those times...

 

Lost

[Mayo l22]

If I want him back I will be asking for advice to get him back directly, he left me and I have done nothing wrong, so I care more about myself, even if he asked me back I'm not sure I will accept , I want to be normal with him with no feelings but him keep asking when will my break end make things harder so I ask for advice, so far I've got great help from you guys and different points of view.

[DancingFool]

If I want him back I will be asking for advice to get him back directly, he left me and I have done nothing wrong, so I care more about myself, even if he asked me back I'm not sure I will accept , I want to be normal with him with no feelings but him keep asking when will my break end make things harder so I ask for advice, so far I've got great help from you guys and different points of view.

 

Then tell him point blank that it may take months and you'll contact him when you are ready. Meanwhile you'd really appreciate it that he does not contact you anymore.

 

 

On a different side note, OP, you really do have some issues with letting go and with what healthy boundaries are. You may not realize it, but it's very obvious looking in from the outside. I really hope that you give that some thought at some point and maybe work on that.

[boltnrun]

Have you asked him to stop contacting you?

 

If you refuse to block him and won't tell him to respect your wish for space and time to heal, you can expect to continue to feel the same way you do now, indefinitely.

[reinventmyself]

I am very good friends with an ex. He lied several times when we were dating. At some point I left, but broken hearted and he tried to win me back for years. I was tempted and even gave in a couple times just to find out he was someone that couldn't be trusted.

Though I ended it, I still felt the intense pull you are feeling. He wanted to be friends and contacted me relentlessly. I wanted things to be different but worked hard at excepting they weren't

After a couple years of total seperation and both of us dating others, we came back together with a totally different defined relationship. It was one of deep friendship. It wasn't until then he earned my trust. I was no longer tempted, didn't feel the romantice pull and was able to set firm boundaries with him.

But the exception here is that we didn't speak to each other for a year or two (can't recall)

It's only when you no longer see that person that someone you would ever consider being romantically involved with is when you can be friends.

You aren't there yet and every time he contacts you it will set you back in your progress. This new thread is a perfect example of that.

[Cherylyn]

I'm glad you get over it, and thanks for your advice really appreciated.

The problem here is that he offered that friendship thing ana I tried but just couldn't and was honest with him and told him I need space, however I find him keep asking when will the break end and putting me on pressure, I just don't understand why he maneged to end the relationship but still want me, and it's not that I'm just a good friend it's clear that he still have feelings but just don't want to commit, and I'm not okay with that, however I will remain no contact for now and try focus myself

 

The problem is, with all due respect, you are weak minded and don't know what you want. Hence, he perceives your insecurity and takes advantage of your insecurity and weak mind. Neither which are good. As you mature, one of these days or years, you will learn to become more steadfast and unwavering which are signs of strength and newfound wisdom. Someday, you'll want it all; either a sincere relationship or nothing at all, the deal is off the table. Someday, you'll want this with all people who cross your path in life. Until then, you'll continue to be confused and waffle back 'n forth not knowing where you stand.

 

I think you need to back off from him by doing nothing. He is stringing you along, always wanting a reaction and response from you and you're giving it to him. He's playing mind games and head trips with you and you're buying it. I was once naive long ago. I can sniff a trickster from a mile away as I've since learned some street smarts.

 

Learn to let go. Don't constantly reply nor respond to him. You're done explaining. If you want space, then get your space by not reacting to his correspondence each and every time. Someday, either you'll resume correspondence and friendship with him or your enthusiasm will fade away and you will drift apart naturally. Let time and space take care of everything without any effort on your part whatsoever. Ignore and give new meaning to your life by surrounding yourself with moral, seriously sincere people as well as enjoy your alone, free time. Take good care of your mental and physical health.

[ShySoul]

The problem here is that he offered that friendship thing ana I tried but just couldn't and was honest with him and told him I need space, however I find him keep asking when will the break end and putting me on pressure, I just don't understand why he maneged to end the relationship but still want me, and it's not that I'm just a good friend it's clear that he still have feelings but just don't want to commit, and I'm not okay with that, however I will remain no contact for now and try focus myself

 

Putting myself in his shoes, I would be thinking that even if we didn't have a relationship, having you in my life is better then you not being there are all. So while you need the space to not think of the relationship, he is worried that he's lost everything. Hence he keeps trying to reach out and save it. Just as feelings linger with you, feelings are still there in him. He just has a different way of dealing with it, trying to hold onto whatever he can with you.

 

Since you want the distance, you need to make completely clear that you need the space and that it may be some time. Tell him you will contact him when you're ready. Tell him that his contacting you is actually hurting you more and damaging a chance at friendship down the line. Then ignore him. Don't respond if he tries to contact you. If it's not you to block someone, fine. But don't respond. Hopefully he will stop right away. But if he doesn't, don't worry about. Ignore it, delete any message, and continue focusing on yourself.

[SooSad33]

No.

 

We cannot be 'friends' with an ex unless or until we know we are over them.

If you stick around, your healing & moving on will not progress.

 

Many times I have told my ex's this.

 

You NEED your time now. If you two broke up, then you owe him NOTHING.

 

Do as you are now.. and keep your distance- for your own well-being.

 

Remain no contact. Work on you now.

 

He split up with you? Best to just let him go.