Jump to content

What should I do


Recommended Posts

Hey guys again, if you remember my story , after my ex bf breakup with me he wanted to be friends , however I tried but find myself always thinking about him and told him I need space because I still have feelings , and went no contact few weeks passed and he reaches out and says he miss me and wondering when will my break end and we can be friends again , I told him I don't know as I was not yet ready and was responding really nice and told him if he feels okay and need to talk , but he was acting cold after I told him I'm still not okay to be friends , we ended conversation and i'm still no contact , so what should I do do I acted right? He haven't mentioned that he wanted me back, but wanted me close again.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Why do you want to be friends with him? Focus on healing, moving forward. Get on some equality (paid) dating apps and start talking to and meeting men.

 

Spend time on your future, not a nebulous painful past.

 

Back and forth, friends or lovers, on and off...It sounds very exhausting .Keep in mind selfish people do not hesitate to waste your time or jerk you around like this.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You did not make the wrong decision by not accepting his friendship. Friendship would always feel too awkward for you. You should tell him no means no and forewarn him that if he still doesn't get your message, you will ignore, block and delete him. Don't allow him to be relentless as he hounds you for friendship. In order for you to heal, recover and move on, you have to eliminate him from your life otherwise you'll always go backwards with him. Make a clean break and be done with it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

What is in it for you being friends with him? Do you want to stay in limbo while this "friendship" continues?

 

You need to stop worrying about what he is thinking or his feelings and stay focused on yourself.

 

You were best friends once and then decided to be more than friends and it didn't work out. That is the chance a lot of people take.

 

Some time in the future you could once again be really good friends but you both would need to be in solid and happy relationships where neither of you were still hung up on the other. Until that happens friendship is not an option.

 

He is being selfish for wanting a friendship.

 

This is about you, not him. Think of all the scenarios where he is telling you about some girl he hooked up with or brings his new love around to meet his best friend. No thanks

 

Lost

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You can not advice me if it bothers you I get it, it's not easy as you think , and I find no other place to talk to someone but here , anyway thanks guys this is the last time I will be posting and I wanted to delete the account but it doesn't seem to be possible , thanks for your time

Link to comment
Share on other sites

No you are not wrong for saying NO to him.

 

Again, this guy is being selfish and is not being a friend to you, he is being a user. Said this in your last thread - if he doesn't respect your request, block him. He didn't respect your request, so time to block him.

 

Life changes OP. It doesn't matter what he was before, what matter is that today he is just an ex. An ex is a person who is no longer a part of your life, just a part of your past history. Today is the beginning of new life and a new story for you and it does NOT include ex's.

 

What really concerns me is that you are completely wrapped up in how to please him even though he dumped you, but are showing no concern or respect for yourself and what's best for you. Please stop being such a doormat and figure out what's driving you to act like that. It's not pretty and definitely not healthy for you. You will attract a lot of toxic users and loser that way.

 

Boundaries, OP, you have to learn to develop some healthier boundaries.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You can not advice me if it bothers you I get it, it's not easy as you think , and I find no other place to talk to someone but here , anyway thanks guys this is the last time I will be posting and I wanted to delete the account but it doesn't seem to be possible , thanks for your time

 

I would say that most of us have been in this situation. We have all advised you over-and-over on what to do. I am assuming that you are repeating the question, hoping that you will get a different response . You won't.

 

Do you have friends you can talk to?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The situation is not different. We have all read your type of scenario many times on this site, and we always advise the same way. I'm sorry, but there is nothing unique about it.

 

You cannot be friends if there are feelings. It does not work. You block and delete him so you can move on. You will gain clarity when you have zero contact with him.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The situation every time is different, I'm not asking for different answers I was just wondering if any one who reads this have experienced this so I can learn from your experience

 

ok. . I've been on both sides of your situation and what I have learned is - that if the situation was reversed and I decided to leave someone who still had romantic feelings for me, the most respectful thing I can do is to leave that person entirely alone.

 

It's uncomfortable at times and yes, I'd like to be their friend, but if it hurts them, confuses them or prolongs their healing then the kindest thing to do is not contact them and let them get on with their life.

 

It's like picking a scab that's trying to heal. It's not kind.

 

The fact that he gets pouty and makes you either feel bad or second guess yourself is wrong.

 

You are no longer a couple and you are entirely on your own now to take care of yourself. Sometimes the decisions you make to take care of yourself isn't always popular.

 

He's looking out for his interests. He was when he ended the relationship and he is when he wants access to you on his terms. But he's being selfish.

 

If you were in his shoes and you sensed you were continuing to hurt someone who's already hurting, would you do the same thing? I know I wouldn't. He's not considering your feelings in any of this. Just his own.

 

You don't have be a bad guy or think of yourself as unreasonable. Simply tell him no, you aren't ready and probably won't be for some time. In the meantime, it's too difficult to communicate with him and you'd rather him not contact you. If anything changes, you will let him know. In the meantime this is what you need to do to take care of yourself.

 

Seriously. What is the alternative here? You give in to his attitude and decide to demote yourself to friendzone so he'll feel better?? How is that fair?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I totally agree with you it's really hard especially when he keeps asking when will that break end , I'm trying my best to act cool and work on myself

 

No need to act cool. This isn't a cool moment. It's challenging and disappointing. What does being cool get you? Other than trying to convey a message to him.

Don't worry what he thinks. Put that energy into taking care of yourself.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I totally agree with you it's really hard especially when he keeps asking when will that break end , I'm trying my best to act cool and work on myself

 

Instead of trying to be "cool" why don't you show yourself that you will put you own needs first. That's "cool."

 

I know this is hard, as you were together almost three years. You are used to him being a major part of your life, but he is not considering your needs and how damaging and devaluing it can for you- been there, done that. He is only thinking of his needs, and that is very self serving. If he truly cared, he would leave you alone.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I totally agree with you it's really hard especially when he keeps asking when will that break end , I'm trying my best to act cool and work on myself

 

No need to act cool. Be strong and in control. Create boundaries for yourself in order to feel mentally safe and secure.

 

He is relentless because you allow him to be. He is taking advantage of your weakness, naivete and inability to dissolve the correspondence. You can do it nicely, too. Give him a fair, respectful and final text. Tell him it's time to go your separate ways and this is it. After giving him fair warning, it's time to sever ties for real. Then do it and eventually, he'll become 'out of sight, out of mind.' You can't heal and recover unless you eliminate him from your life so you can move on in a mentally healthy way.

 

Steer your own ship and you will feel better. It will be a catharsis for you. It will feel very liberating.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Mayo,

 

I thought I had mentioned my experience before and I know it will run counter to what everyone else is going to say. I hope you take it as a different point of view and that it doesn't confuse you more. In the end, this is about you and what is best for you. You need to heal in whatever manner is right for you.

 

A girl really hurt me. After a lot of back and forth things ended in a pretty bad, not going to get together kind of way. I tried to not have contact so that I could heal and get over it. But the space didn't help. I still had feelings that were unresolved. I couldn't know if I was "over" her or not. If I can't ever talk to the person, how would I know if I was better or if I was just burying my real feelings and avoiding it? Two things helped me to heal. First, a very supportive friend who helped me see that I deserved better then I had been treated. Second, when I actually talked to her again a few months later. I was actually able to confront my feelings and talk to her without any pain, longing, or regret. That's when you know you are okay, when you can set aside the past and actually be friends with the person.

 

From what you've said before, I still think this guy sincerely wants to be friends. This isn't a ploy or trick. He values the friendship you had and misses it. Just because he didn't see a future as a couple, doesn't mean he doesn't still care about you and wants to be in your life. I think eventually, it would be good for you to be friends with him. But you need to be ready for it. If that friendship is only going to cause you pain right now, then be honest and say you need space. Tell him you'd like to be friends, but need time and will let him know when you are ready. Then take all the time you need. This isn't easy, so don't rush it. Do what you need to do for yourself. And if you need to talk, post. Work out your feelings and know that you're not alone in them. I'll even offer to talk one on one, since I know how painful this is. I'm sorry you're feeling hurt and really want to see you feel better.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Remaining friends will always give you a lingering, uneasy feeling due to a past relationship.

 

Whenever anyone rekindles a friendship from a broken relationship, this new friendship will always come with baggage which can never be erased from one's memory. It's not "let bygones be bygones" or "it's all water under the bridge" mentality. There will always be history between you two and underlying stewing resentment brewing underneath the "let's try to be friends" facade and veneer.

 

Enthusiasm dies post-break up. Only remain "just friends" if you don't mind feeling AWKWARD.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm glad you get over it, and thanks for your advice really appreciated.

The problem here is that he offered that friendship thing ana I tried but just couldn't and was honest with him and told him I need space, however I find him keep asking when will the break end and putting me on pressure, I just don't understand why he maneged to end the relationship but still want me, and it's not that I'm just a good friend it's clear that he still have feelings but just don't want to commit, and I'm not okay with that, however I will remain no contact for now and try focus myself

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...