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I feel completely out of my depth


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Hiya everyone

 

I was looking for a safe place to ask for advice without getting laughed at.

 

I'm 31 & never had a relationship until really recently. To explain I have had serious medical & psyc issues that meant I didn't even consider dating.l, I am also okay alone & relationship stuff scared me.

 

But I got talking to a guy (who lives 2.5 hours away) & I've met him 3x over several weeks. Anyway I've had a few red flags one is hes mentioned marriage etc in the future like we've known each other for years not 1-2 months & that scares me a bit. And he got angry outa the blue via txt once saying I didnt care & it felt really nasty, but aside from that he's been nice, I'm just scared he's hiding a different side to him. It also doesn't make sense he likes me, I'm ugly & living on a benefit while he has a successful career (I'm 31 he's 33), it makes me wonder if he's desperate or just wants what he can get. I feel really stressed when messaging him & I wonder if this is a sign I'm not ready cuse it feels like a burden with all my other struggles (my mental health is still really bad)

 

But aside from that I had another struggle (gonna sound dumb), but I feel like sleeping with someone is "bad", while I havnt before, I know if I did I would feel dirty & guilty (I don't know why cuse others don't seem to see it that way). I just don't know what to do, I'm scared if I walk away I'm losing something that could be great, we both have similar interests & he brings out my old ambitious self to have a career & get better etc. But I'm not sure if I'm supposed to feel so many feelings to run away & suspicion etc.

 

Hope this makes sense, thanks in advance to anyone who has advice!

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Well, first of all, sleeping with someone is not bad or dirty. It is everyone's own choice and some people want to wait for marriage or are asexual and just not interested in sex. There is no need to sleep with anyone if you don't want to but it's not wrong. I know some strongly religious people may feel it's wrong unless in a marriage, but to each their own. Sex also is not just hookup but if you're actually in a relationship it's a great way to connect with your partner and it's loving and intimate. However I actually agree with you that if it's just a one night stand or something, it actually may feel dirty and bad. Again it's not wrong but if there's no connection sex can feel like just a biological act, just mechanical.

 

Having said all that, it's doubtful you have a very deep connection with this guy because you've only met him three times. There is no need to rush sex with him unless you actually want to try it. If you don't want to then don't. I've had sex plenty of times but that doesn't mean even I would be obliged to jump into sex with anyone just because we've been on a few dates. If anyone wants to wait then it's their choice. In your case, you are a virgin so you may want to think about making your first time special.

 

I actually agree with you that it's a red flag this guy is talking about marriage. He hardly knows you. I guarantee you though that you are not ugly! There is no reason why this guy would be into you other than that he actually likes you, as you are. I mean why would he be desperate if he has a good career and he's a decent looking guy? I'm not sure if maybe he's talking about marriage because he's from another country and he needs a permanent visa or something? Otherwise maybe he is looking for marriage in general and he just mentioned it to see if you want the same. It may not necessarily be that he wants to get married literally right now. When you're in your 30's and want to settle down people don't want to waste time on the wrong person who isn't looking for the same things.

 

I think don't worry about the fact that he's the only guy wanting to date you. The main thing to think about is do you LIKE him? You may be scared because you've never experienced being in a relationship or being intimate. It's definitely scary the first time, I totally get it. If you want to date him then maybe just give it a go. Keep in mind that not everyone we date ends up being the right person. Sometimes we try things and it doesn't work out. So maybe don't put too much pressure on yourself or too much expectations. Just go with the flow and don't over analyse everything.

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I have had serious medical & psyc issues ...(my mental health is still really bad).... relationship stuff scared me.

 

Are you seeing a professional counsellor/therapist for these issues?

 

 

I got talking to a guy (who lives 2.5 hours away) & I've met him 3x over several weeks. Anyway I've had a few red flags one is hes mentioned marriage etc in the future like we've known each other for years not 1-2 months & that scares me a bit. And he got angry outa the blue via txt & it felt really nasty, I'm just scared he's hiding a different side to him. . I feel really stressed when messaging him & I wonder if this is a sign I'm not ready cuse it feels like a burden with all my other struggles (my mental health is still really bad)

 

But aside from that I had another struggle but I feel like sleeping with someone is "bad", while I havnt before, I know if I did I would feel dirty & guilty . I just don't know what to do,

All of the above are very good reasons NOT to have sex/sleep with this guy. When you have only met 3 times and already feel so stressed just messaging him (never mind all the other red flags), that's your cue to cut your losses and run in the other direction and never look back. Bullet dodged. This all has bad news written all over it (imo).

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“I'm ugly & living on a benefit while he has a successful career (I'm 31 he's 33), it makes me wonder if he's desperate or just wants what he can get. I feel really stressed when messaging him & I wonder if this is a sign I'm not ready cuse it feels like a burden with all my other struggles (my mental health is still really bad)”

 

 

You are not ready to date for several reasons.

But the number one reason is your low self esteem.

 

What exactly about your appearance makes you perceive yourself as ugly?

 

And why does he motivate you to get a career? Personally I don’t think he is motivating you , I think it’s your lack of self worth that is motivating you to prove to him that you are worthy. But you shouldn’t have to prove your self worth to anyone except yourself? So why are you not finding motivation within and seeking external validation?

 

You will not be ready to date until you feel you deserve what you set out to achieve.

 

As for sex. The only reason you feel it’s dirty is because you feel like you are selling yourself for validation.

When you gain self worth , you will not feel that way.

 

Have you discussed this with your therapist?

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But aside from that I had another struggle (gonna sound dumb), but I feel like sleeping with someone is "bad", while I havnt before, I know if I did I would feel dirty & guilty (I don't know why cuse others don't seem to see it that way). I just don't know what to do, I'm scared if I walk away I'm losing something that could be great, we both have similar interests & he brings out my old ambitious self to have a career & get better etc. But I'm not sure if I'm supposed to feel so many feelings to run away & suspicion etc.

 

Beware of men who seek long distance dating from the get-go. In my opinion, they have things to hide, and things have probably dried up locally because the women who see them regularly in 3D take off rather quickly because he's not good bf material.

 

Yeah, you shouldn't be dating until you seek therapy for improving your self-worth. You also need to come to view sex in a healthy manner that is right for you, but doesn't involve negative thoughts. Concentrate on self-improvement right now and when you get to a good headspace, date locally so that you can date at a normal pace and regularly enjoy someone's company, also avoiding one of you having to uproot from your hometown.

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It sounds very shady. I don't like it. If you're feeling so uncomfortable don't speak to him again. He sounds like a predator to me (and not very successful at anything) especially if you've already opened up so much about your limited/lack of experience in relationships and from the way he speaks to you.

 

Go out and meet people locally and break the ice that way. There's a lot here that you should be cautious about.

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I think you should forget about this guy. The fact he talks marriage already, having only met you a couple of times is a massive red flag. You and he do not know each other at all. His anger issue is another red flag.

 

I hope you have a therapist as you need a professional you can talk to and work thru your many issues.

 

Block and delete this guy and move on.

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People with bad intentions seek out vulnerable people.

Youre his target.

If you aren't ready to toss this out, you should stress test it.

Gather up some courage and self esteem and pump the brakes on this. Let him know that you are excited to get to know him, but do so at a slower pace. No future talk, insist on spending more time together. Tell him you'd be interested in marriage in the far future, maybe a year or more.

Self esteem is built from acting as if. Act on your own behalf even if it feels uncomfortable. You'll be proud of yourself for having done so.

If his intentions are genuine he'll respect that and honor it. Its a minimum expectation for most. If he gets mad again and pressures you, run!

Do jump in because you feel it's your last and only chance. He can't possibly have feelings for if he hasn't taken the time to know you.

 

You have an uneasy feeling about how this going. Listen to that

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I agree the internet is ripe with predators, and seek out the vulnerable, weak and inexperienced...to manipulate and control. You listen to your gut instinct, this guy is bad news and has wrong intentions. You DO NOT put up with this type of abusiveness from anyone. I understand, you would like to try dating, just don't really know much about it, and now you are in a negative situation. I say ditch this guy, and keep looking for someone who treats you right. Like I say if it doesn't feel right, then it's not. And don't worry about the sex part...it won't feel dirty when you meet the right person. Just do baby steps until you feel comfortable. It's all good.

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First off, you are not ugly. I believe the only ugly people are those with ugly behavior. If you spread hate and act with anger and disdain to others, that makes you ugly. But you sound like a sweet person, just unsure of herself. It's okay to be uneasy about relationships and want to take it slow, especially if it is new to you. I'm also in my 30's and have little in the way of actual relationship experience. So there's nothing wrong with that. And just because someone likes you, doesn't mean he is desperate or settling. Be it this guy or someone else, I'm sure you have lots of great qualities that can attract a guy.

 

Sleeping with someone isn't bad or dirty. But it should only be done when you are fully ready for it. If you are not, then a guy who respects and loves you will not push. He will wait until you want it and are comfortable with it. Sex should be an intimate act, sharing ourselves with another person physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It's an expression of love and affection. It's two becoming one. That's not dirty, it's special. It's also not something to rush into. If you haven't known him long, then don't rush it. Enjoy the little moments first. Holding hands, hugs, cuddling on the couch, kissing. Those can be just as meaningful and get you comfortable with being physical with someone. When your ready for more, you'll know. But don't feel pressured to do anything you are not comfortable doing.

 

A few weeks with this guy is barely any time at all. His text may be a sign of anger issues, or it may have been a bad day. It's something to keep in mind. But you are definitely not at the point where you should be talking marriage. If you like him, and he likes you, continue to take it slow. You'll see his real self in the pattern of his behavior. First loves are scary, but they are worth it. Just remember that you are worthy of love and deserve to be treated with respect. And enjoy it. A relationship should make you feel happy, you just need to be open to it.

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