Life without oral sex :-( long term relationship disaster waiting to happen?

[SherrySher]

I do think the fact I’m unemployed

 

Are you getting free rent then? She's paying for everything?

 

Cause I gotta say, the picture you're painting, ain't great.

 

You've never been in a serious relationship before. You've slept around heaps. You like this woman but criticize her and her sex life, yet you're staying in her house, rent free, having her pay all the bills while you tell an entire forum how crap she is in bed.

 

You sound like a real catch.

[Wiseman2]

Exactly. Keep dating and slow way down on the moving in conversation. It's only been a year and 6 mos of a more committed dating situation. It's difficult and no doubt the covid thing has wreaked havoc with dating and relationships, but stay as you are for now. Will the sex be hot/crazy anytime soon? Probably not.

 

You can always breakup later if it turns out that besides the sexual incompatibilities, you find other yet unknown issues. It's harder to undo than to not do in the first place.. It's great you get along in other ways especially the small trial run at living in the same space. But there is no need to rush to end it.. or move it further at this time.

Dating is the time to determine if we are compatible. If not, there's nothing wrong with realizing this and finding someone we're more compatible with.

[boltnrun]

Are you getting free rent then? She's paying for everything?

 

Cause I gotta say, the picture you're painting, ain't great.

 

You've never been in a serious relationship before. You've slept around heaps. You like this woman but criticize her and her sex life, yet you're staying in her house, rent free, having her pay all the bills while you tell an entire forum how crap she is in bed.

 

You sound like a real catch.

 

They're staying at his place:

"In March the country went into lockdown. Her and her daughter were at mine when it was announced, and that how it stayed for the next several months. She didn’t want to go home and I didn’t want to force her too either. Whilst I needed space sometimes, I also very much enjoyed having them around and we all needed the comfort. "

"Due to COVID we’ve been living together for 4-months and at the end of the month I’m due to move out of mine and into her place. "

[SherrySher]

Groceries still have to be paid, as well as other things. If they move into hers, then it will be all her.

 

Op, it just doesn't sound like you're ready for any kind of serious relationship.

 

I never once hinted at being a prude, but my life is jammed packed full of adult things as well as raising a kid. I make time for important things, but there is no way I would have the energy for what you're talking about all the time.

 

If someone is working full time, getting things done, making meals, laundry, etc, do they still have time to dress up, do ten different positions, give bj's, scream like a hyena over sex etc all at the end of the day? Cause damn, that's more than the average woman can do. (Yes, I have lots of women friends who are professionals..this scenario is unrealistic).

 

But then again, he did say he's not working.

 

I dunno, I know moms who are getting up at 6am, putting in a full days work, as well as laundry, meals, chasing after their kids, etc..most of us are done in by 9 pm. Who the heck has the want to be dressing up like a floozie and getting all sexual by the end of the day?

 

Maybe I live in a different world but this is just ridiculous to be expecting that of someone. On weekends, yeah, maybe, but this dude doesn't sound too ready for marriage, that's for sure.

[SherrySher]

Hahahahahaha, LaHermes if you're reading this, thank you. That comment genuinely made my entire week.

[MissCanuck]

If someone is working full time, getting things done, making meals, laundry, etc, do they still have time to dress up, do ten different positions, give bj's, scream like a hyena over sex etc all at the end of the day? Cause damn, that's more than the average woman can do. (Yes, I have lots of women friends who are professionals..this scenario is unrealistic)

 

I dunno, I know moms who are getting up at 6am, putting in a full days work, as well as laundry, meals, chasing after their kids, etc..most of us are done in by 9 pm. Who the heck has the want to be dressing up like a floozie and getting all sexual by the end of the day?.

 

Yes, what you describe here is unrealistic.

 

It’s also not what OP said he expects or asks of her. I'm not sure where you’re getting all the above from. He didn’t say he wants to dress like a floozie, change positions 10 times, scream like a hyena, and get sexual at the end of the day all the time.

 

Unless I missed something in his posts, what he actually desires are not in such hyperbolic territory.

[SherrySher]

He did hint at all of it...we must be reading different posts.

[boltnrun]

His exact words:

"Although my girlfriend and I are very compatible in many ways, my worry is our sexual chemistry isn’t strong enough to see us through a long-term committed relationship.

 

In 1-year she’s given me oral sex just once. I give it to her almost every time we have sex. I enjoy it and enjoy pleasuring her too. She also doesn’t ever climax. She claims to have only ever once in her life. I miss a partner who cums with me. As a result, I’ve stopped trying to make her cum and sex has become...well, pretty average. She’s happy with just 2 positions, on-top or missionary. Every so often I’ll ask to mix it up, but she doesn’t seem comfortable. She dresses up occasionally and looks incredible, so I like that about her!

 

I’ve tried talking to her about oral sex and she said she realises she needs to reciprocate the effort, but then doesn’t.

 

What do I do...!? I miss passionate sex and I’m not sure I can go through life without it"

 

I see it as basic incompatibility.

 

One reason I divorced my husband was sexual incompatibility. He wanted MUCH less sex than I did. It's not the only reason, and I didn't have expectations that he'd perform like some porn star, but what I wanted and what he wanted were not close.

[MissCanuck]

He did hint at all of it..

 

In which posts?

 

I can’t find any references to dressing up, changing positions all the time, or loudly screaming. He didn’t even mention frequency, as I far as I can find.

 

You also suggested he might be sex addict, which I’m not seeing either.

 

Can you elaborate where you get that impression from?

[Wiseman2]

🤣🐆........

scream like a hyena.

[Jehst1987]

@SherrySher I think you’ve completely misunderstood my post. I own my own property in central London. I lost my job due to COVID, however, I have more than enough money to continue paying my mortgage and bills etc for the foreseeable future. I’m in no way reliant on my gf to help me pay bills. I do not live her. I am still in my own flat. If I moved, I would not be financially dependent on anyone else. The conversation to move into together was about financial consolidation (both of us helping each other), but not me expecting her to take financial responsibility.

 

In no way am I criticising my girlfriend! I’m simply airing my concerns about sexual compatibility. I was not boasting about sleeping around with women, I was simply reflecting on past experiences.

[Rose Mosse]

Bluecastle pretty much canvassed what I wanted to say. I think you're missing intellectual and spiritual components in your relationship and your connection isn't as deep. How can it be? It's only been a year and a rather stressful one, it appears.

 

Dial it back a little, reinforce your commitment to each other and don't move in so quickly. You have hesitations or had hesitations about being a step-dad. I don't know how much room this living arrangement has either. Realistically, three of you may be in close living quarters and dealing with the all too-real reality of household chores, non-syncing sleep times, sharing parenting or helping reinforce some of her parenting rules with her daughter. You're moving into a relationship also with the teenage girl. Do you both get along, by the way?

 

Find a way to continue to support yourself (mentally/emotionally - not just financially) and remain independent. Take your time getting to know one another and her daughter.

 

I'm surprised she's agreed to you moving in. This somehow tells me she may not fully understand how unhappy you are or hesitant. You really owe it to yourself and her to be more honest about how you feel. Does she know how you feel about your sex life or how much it bothers you?

[bluecastle]

I can't help but feel that the house analogy, as put forth by xanzza, could use some renovating.

 

What we're taking about here, at least to my eyes? It's not a broken bulb or a torn throw pillow, but more like a missing pillar in the foundation, half a roof, or, perhaps most accurately, a style of architecture that one person finds homey and pleasing while the other does not. So, sure, you can work on a suburban townhouse in the midwest for years and years, if that's your thing, but it's never going to become a cabin in the mountains with an ocean view.

 

Do something with someone for a year straight, be it eating dinner, talking philosophy, or having sex, and you have a very good idea of how it goes. Does all that shift? Sure. But does it become something completely different? No. If talking philosophy is critical to me for romantic partnership, I'm not going to see if someone who wants to talk about reality TV can get into Plato. It's kind of the same with sex, at least how I see it. If I value it, and I do, I'm not going to adjust my values because someone can balance a checkbook or even enlighten me on Plato. There's a difference between an awesome person and an awesome partner.

 

Like MissCanuck, I don't see anything in this where OP is expecting something crazy. Maybe it's just me, and how I've operated as an adult, but it sounds pretty baseline. Nuts and bolts: it sounds like wanting to be satisfied sexually. While romance requires far more than that to be sustained, and while orgasms alone can't a partnership make, I don't think sexual dissatisfaction is something to learn to accept in the name of "maturing" from the days of singledom to those of coupledom.

[SherrySher]

Please, no need for you to comment

 

Luckily, this is a public forum, so although you don't have to agree with my interpretation or my comments, I can still express my point of view.

 

But yes, I agree with Bolt, you and this women won't work. It's early days and if you're this unsatisfied, it will only get worse as time goes by.

[SherrySher]

I don't think sexual dissatisfaction is something to learn to accept in the name of "maturing" from the days of singledom to those of coupledom.

 

It's not so much that, Blue..I am coming from the point of view of seeing very worn out moms, even more so with this pandemic going on.

Op sounded selfish, but again, this is only my interpretation.

 

Unfortunately going from singledom to coupledom, is a huge change with mortgages, marriage, kids, tons more responsibilities are involved.

It changes things.

 

I was going more on the fact that he sounded like he was expecting the same as he got from the single life and that's not fair to put on any woman.

But hey, I'm not saying my interpretation is correct either.

[LaHermes]

Leaving aside whether you stay or go, OP. I would ask you to tread carefully here: (where angels fear to tread and all that).

 

"The daughter is looking for a male role model. Her relationship with her dad isn’t the best"

 

Did the daughter say she is looking for a male role model?

[boltnrun]

-Raised kids

-worked full time

-cooked, cleaned, did laundry

-cared for aging mother who lived with us

-still wanted sex, lots of sex, lots of adventurous sex

 

It's not blanket...not all women who have a lot on their plates lose interest or desire for sex. For many, it's a welcome, fun thing to do to actually relieve the stresses of everyday living. I found it fun, not a chore, a drag or an obligation.

 

I wanted someone who views sex similarly. Not a husband who only wanted it once a year (or even once a week).

[Jehst1987]

Ok, understood. The ironic thing is, her and her daughter have been staying at mine for the last 4 months, rent free as you put it. I love her and am more than happy to share our finances.

 

This post really really isn’t about shaming my girlfriend and expecting her to be a sex goddess. It’s a way for me to get valuable feedback and support given I don’t have access to a counsellor at present. It’s me trying to decide on how to approach the relationship moving forward, not about boasting or shaming anyone.

 

You’ve all been incredibly useful, thank you. Even the hard reality comments have been food for thought I needed today. It’s been a dark one. I hate the feeling of impacting emotions.

[SherrySher]

It's not blanket...not all women who have a lot on their plates lose interest or desire for sex. For many, it's a welcome, fun thing to do to actually relieve the stresses of everyday living. I found it fun, not a chore, a drag or an obligation.

 

That's awesome if you've got the energy, but I know loads of moms and wives that do not.

[Jehst1987]

Her mum said it. And I got a step-dad card for Father’s Day. I think her daughter is great and I love them both. The reason for this post is I do place value on sexual compatibility and I want to understand how to move forward healthily for all 3 of us, whatever that might be.

[SherrySher]

Jehst, I think it was Bolt who said it best, you can't change someone in their sexual likes and needs/wants. If you've already asked her and not much has changed, then it becomes a situation of guilting someone, or feeling disappointed while she feels less than and forced.

 

As times goes by, it gets worse. I think really that's the main thing to focus on here. To have similar appetite for sex, works wonders. When it's not the same, it falls flat very quickly.

 

Apologies if I misunderstood. I was reading it in a different way, thanks for explaining.

[LaHermes]

People say a lot things J. I am sure you know that.

 

A step-daughter is an important facet of a relationship. Simply was a word of caution.

 

Anyhow, you have had an earful here! And hope tomorrow is a brighter one for you.

[Rose Mosse]

Ok, understood. The ironic thing is, her and her daughter have been staying at mine for the last 4 months, rent free as you put it. I love her and am more than happy to share our finances.

 

This post really really isn’t about shaming my girlfriend and expecting her to be a sex goddess. It’s a way for me to get valuable feedback and support given I don’t have access to a counsellor at present. It’s me trying to decide on how to approach the relationship moving forward, not about boasting or shaming anyone.

 

You’ve all been incredibly useful, thank you. Even the hard reality comments have been food for thought I needed today. It’s been a dark one. I hate the feeling of impacting emotions.

 

What it really boils down to is whether both of you can work it out together. It's unlikely there's a magical equation or formula or spell to fix this overnight. Both of you have to come together and share this as something to work on together as opposed to one person having all the answers. I think you're going about this from a very one-sided angle.

 

Work it out together and have more heart to heart conversations. Do either of you ever future-talk or talk about your futures? Or is it limited to here and now and the present ongoings within the next 6 months to a year?

 

This conversation should include her 50% as it concerns her 50%! Be daring, proactive and honest enough to speak with her more. She deserves to know how you feel and think way before you move in together.

[SherrySher]

A step-daughter is an important facet of a relationship. Simply was a word of caution.

 

Absolutely. This is where you now choose to become a permanent fixture in this girls life, or not. Where she will look to you for love and support and will follow you by example and you will become a father figure to her.

 

It really can change a child's life, for better or for worse.

 

I hope you consider very carefully if you're willing to take that on too as it can have a huge impact on this girls life.

[dias]

 

It's not blanket...not all women who have a lot on their plates lose interest or desire for sex. For many, it's a welcome, fun thing to do to actually relieve the stresses of everyday living. I found it fun, not a chore, a drag or an obligation.

 

I wanted someone who views sex similarly. Not a husband who only wanted it once a year (or even once a week).

 

Hey, it's nice to find a diamond in the dirt now and then :)

 

 

OP, you seem a nice person. If you care about her daughter I think you have to make a decision relatively quickly. The kid will bond with you, it would be really selfish of you to stay in the relationship if you judge it doesn't satisfy your needs and the outcome is already predetermined. Your girlfriend is a big woman she can handle it but you don't want to hurt her daughter, right?