Life without oral sex :-( long term relationship disaster waiting to happen?

[bluecastle]

I guess I just see relationships as working best when three engines are firing: physical, emotional, spiritual, with the latter encompassing a general framework for values. Are they all firing optimally, all the time, and as time goes on? No. But dating, and wading into something, that first year or so? I think if you spend that time wishing for one to kick into gear, or trying to convince yourself that the other two are strong enough to make up for the one that lacks, you're setting yourself up for a potentially rocky ride.

 

I moved in with my girlfriend—and her child—after a year of dating. Will we work forever and ever? Time knows that, not either of us, just like I have no idea how much more life I have to live. But no way would I be here if I had major questions about one or more of those engines. The lack of questions is what makes the commitment easy, more like walking than climbing a mountain, and it also makes dealing with stuff and responsibilities, when it invariably comes up, a lot easier. You trust the integrity of the engines—and the vessel you've built together—so when something sputters your mind doesn't spin out too far. Roving minds, like roving eyes, do not make for the best of unions.

[boltnrun]

It's not like things won't come up that could affect sex drive. For example, I wasn't feeling particularly fired up while I had chicken pox, or while my episiotomy was healing (kind of impossible, that). And my husband tended to let work stress affect everything, including sex.

 

Unfortunately, my husband also subscribed to the belief that "grown ups" don't engage in wild sex and that it was unrealistic to expect him to want it. I remember one time he said "I can't PERFORM!" And I was thinking, well, I wasn't expecting you to juggle or do magic tricks. But I didn't try to shame or force him if he wasn't into it. Problem was, he wasn't into it MOST of the time, while for me stresses and daily life didn't affect my sex drive at all.

 

Again, compatibility. I still want a man who will engage in active sex multiple times per week (and I'm in my middle 50s, where allegedly I'm supposed to be completely uninterested in sex, go figure...) and if I meet a nice man and he wants something different I'll have to decide if I can do without. If not, I need to find a man who wants what I want.

 

OP, there are lots of nice women who want the same sex life you do. I get that you care about this woman and her daughter but you aren't required to settle for much less than you desire because she's a wonderful woman. You CAN decide doing without the kind of sex you desire is OK, but you have to legitimately be OK with it. Not just settling because you think you're supposed to or to avoid "hurting" her.

[Realitynut]

Because some people thrive in misery it doesn't make someone a commitment phobe. And because people stay 30 years in a marriage does not mean they are satisfied with the relationship. That's why so many people cheat.

 

 

They are just incompatible, it is not that complex

 

Well....the people I mentioned are happily married...but not without their issues. AND the reason I said commitment phoebe…..was cuz he called himself that. He said he was a bit of a commitment phobe in the best of times.

 

Sure, it would be nice to find someone who was perfect in every way....and loved to give bjs'.....but sometimes life just doesn't work out that way. If he's wanting to throw the proverbial baby out with the bathwater because of oral sex....so be it.

[HeartGoesOn]

Her mum said it. And I got a step-dad card for Father’s Day. I think her daughter is great and I love them both. The reason for this post is I do place value on sexual compatibility and I want to understand how to move forward healthily for all 3 of us, whatever that might be.

 

So you've been dating for a year, exclusive for 6 months, and now you're a step dad? How does that work? I think you're putting this child in harms way, emotionally.

[SherrySher]

The thing is, I have seen so many children get attached to their parents boyfriend/girlfriend. And at the time, I think the adults don't think it's a big deal. If they break up with the partner, they feel the child will just accept and move on.

Except, children don't always do that.

 

Assuming you and her daughter get on, and that she likes you, you are already forming a father figure image in her mind. She sees you as someone stable in her life, someone she can look up to, count on, who cares about her as a parent would, etc.

She will hold tight to that and rely on that.

 

Should you and the mother break up, there's a very good chance you won't see the daughter anymore. As adults, you adapt and move on, but she might not be as mentally equipped to emotionally handle it as well as the adults do.

She could have abandonment issues come up, they have issues of how to relate to men, come up, their self esteem can take a hit. It's just things that you (as the potential live in), should be aware of and should consider before moving in, especially if you're not happy in the bedroom.

 

I am more on the side of Realitynut, where I honestly think that it's OTT to toss away someone who you genuinely like, who is a good person, and with whom you get on very well, just because you can't get bj's etc. I just feel that it's not worth it to make the sex thing such a huge issue.

I feel sex is important, most definitely, but I don't place it in high priority where I would end something based on mainly that alone. Finding someone nowadays that is even a little compatible, is very difficult. Which is why people spend years searching and end up ultimately alone or with a string of relationships that amounted to nothing.

You currently do get sex, you get intimacy, so to me, it's not worth getting this worked up...I mean, you have your hand as well.

 

But yes, I get that there are some that don't agree with me and would rather be alone than to stay with someone who has a smaller sexual appetite. I just feel it's OTT.

On that point, I will agree to disagree.

 

But with the daughter, that really is someone and something that can be messed up and you could affect in not a good way should you move on, make her think she has a stable household now, get tired of the mother, and walk out.

 

Just be careful on what you decide.

[Wiseman2]

When she goes back to her own house, you'll both have time to reflect.

[Jehst1987]

Completely understand. Factoring in the daughter has always been a huge part of my decision-making and why I’m approaching everything with caution. I’m a product of separated parents (as many are these days) and I know how damaging it can be. It’s slightly different in this instance, as I’m not replacing her dad. Although she doesn’t have the best relationship, he’s still in her life - just not in the capacity she wants. She’s also a teen and I’ve only been involved in her life 6-months so far.

 

The thread has really given me lots to think about - thank you all very much for taking the time to help. I have some time to reflect now. I’ve started the dialogue with my girlfriend and so far we’re approaching it well and constructively.

 

Thanks again all!

[Wiseman2]

You're not responsible for her teen daughter's well being. The mother is. If she wants a live in BF or introduces BFs to her kids that's 100 % on the mother, not you.

[Jehst1987]

Thank you Wiseman, for all your help.

[ninjabib]

You are not responsible for the teenage girl as Wiseman said.Do what's best for you. I would take into consideration how you eventually leaving down the line would impact her though and that's why I say leave.

 

Things will not improve. That is a fact. You are in the honeymoon period. Drudgery hasn't even really set in yet and things are already getting hard.

 

You 2 are just incompatible despite how well you get on or care for each other. There is not enough between you for this to last. When the end comes and mark my words it will. All 3 of you will be much more upset than if you ended it now.

[tattoobunnie]

Go shopping together to get the right vibrator for her. She won't be able to cum, until she can make herself cum. Try massaging her first, full-body massage oils, then use your fingers to stimulate her. Really, explore her body together, and ask her if she likes this or other areas.

 

Considering she had her kid so young, I guarantee she hasn't had enough time to play around on her body. With the penis thing, ask her for one, but make sure you're showered and groomed, and if she's bothered by the taste, have her do it with ice cream.

[SherrySher]

Although that's great advice, Tattoobunnie, I am going to assume that since she's a grown woman with a teenage daughter, that she probably already knows all this stuff.

 

I mean, most women do, right? The whipped cream, different types of flavoured syrups or gels, chocolate sauce etc. Sex shops these days make it pretty well known online and everywhere else what they offer.

 

I'm guessing she's just not into oral, especially if he's asked and nothing much has changed. Nothing wrong with not being into it, but for this guy, it won't work too well.

 

You could always suggest again, OP. But you might be beating a dead horse at this point.

[tattoobunnie]

We all like to think most women know their bodies, but in reality, not always the case. And when your a teenager having a baby, you may not always get as many opportunities to experiment or have fun, casual sex, or lots of sex. Some come from repressed backgrounds where freedom with your body is permitted. I didn't read all, but who knows if she came from a religious background, so she had to keep the baby. Could be anything. My old buddy who was raised Catholic would permit herself to cum. So I think it's okay to let her know he's okay with really getting to know her body, and together. Some people are afraid of saying what they want as well sexually. Open dialogue may seem silly like everyone should know about this stuff, but I don't think it helps her or him to assume since she isn't able to cum, and only once in 30+ years. I mean, that's a crime!

[Wiseman2]

They have tried all that. It's doubtful putting ice cream on it would help. Some people are simply incompatible in the sexual area.