do I have to make peace with my bf drinking

[smackie9]

This is a compatibility issue. He was like this when you met, so this is how he is. I understand this behavior is intolerable to you but if he doesn't see it as an issue this should be a deal breaker. This is why we date before marriage....to see what they are like and how compatible we are, to see if it the relationship is sustainable for the long haul. This isn't working out, so it's time to move on. It's a lesson learned that when dating someone new to make sure drinking or getting drunk is not on their list of what they like to do. There problem solved.

[j.man]

So he's mid-20s, gets buzzed or tipsy every few weeks, maybe 4 or 5 nights a year gets to the point of walking or calling a Lyft. The extent of his obnoxiousness seems to extend to not being a riveting conversationalist when he comes home and stirring a bit extra in his sleep. I get that you don't drink and your sensibilities are gonna be a bit heightened when it comes to alcohol consumption. That's certainly respectable and your right. On the flip side, it's also his right to be, well... someone who's in his mid-20s. While certainly not as healthy as abstaining altogether (which sincerely gets a kudos from me), letting himself get a bit looser a few times a year while still maintaining his awareness and coherency is on the healthier end of the cultural norm. At the very least nothing I'd consider slapping him with an amateur diagnosis of being a binge drinker over.

 

Does that mean you have to accept it? Absolutely not. It means that if there were a situation you'd have even a bad excuse to expect him to change, this certainly isn't one of them. If you don't want someone who drinks, that's something you make loud and clear from the very beginning. And it's not a "so long as someday you'll quit" thing. It's a "NEXT" thing. Again, you're well within your rights for it to be a dealbreaker if someone ever drinks to inebriation. But so long as someone does, and more significantly, has been doing so, you've got no license to control their behavior.

 

There are some minor asks you could extend to make the behavior more tolerable to you so long as you're actually doing so in good faith. One that sticks out would be asking that he crash on the couch or the spare bed when he's gone beyond buzzed. So long as you make it clear it's due to him stirring rather than the simple fact he drank, there shouldn't be any cause for offense.

 

Honestly though, between expecting him to financially cover you for not having a tenant and now you expecting him to forego getting drunk at all, you seem to take a lot of liberty in dictating some pretty substantial life choices of his. I'd really gauge whether you and him are fundamentally compatible.

[tattoobunnie]

Why would he cut back? It's not like you plan to have a drink with him. You two are not compatible, and that's okay. Plenty of normal, great dudes don't drink

[Batya33]

Ok. as a non drinker, you don't know how it is for him. Once a person is drinking, its hard to just have one or two drinks. It starts going down really good & fast and before you know it- youre drunk.

 

Thats why its nearly impossible to control. And why some people drink and drive... they think they are ok. Not saying its right, just saying while drinking, most people can't catch themselves.

 

Also its not going to work... unless he decides to stop drinking for his own reasons. He's having fun with his friends and he doesn't want to stop. He just doesnt want you to be mad. It has nothing to do with his love for you.

 

You may just be incompatible. Alcohol use is a lifestyle choice. People who don't drink are probably better off with others that don't.

 

I've been a part of and known many couples that are not compatible in this way. Its a lot of fighting... It is terrible and I feel for you... but know he probably can't change. So you need to decide if you can deal with this as is.

 

I used to enjoy most of a glass of wine (my limit before I felt tipsy - very low tolerance to alcholol) and my husband will have some wine or a beer occasionally -less so these past years. We are not non drinkers. We never ever in our 35 years or so of drinking ever had an issue knowing when to stop. I never had the urge to keep drinking to excess, I've never been drunk. Had no interest but I did enjoy some wine. I don't anymore really just because I rarely go out at night but if I did I might order a glass of wine. I have many many friends who behave the same way over many years. Some people don't know when to stop or prefer not to stop. That's only a subset of people who drink alcohol. Same with eating junk food or a variety of other temptations in life.

[boltnrun]

I was always perfectly capable of having just one beer or one glass of wine. I do know a few people who cannot control their drinking. One friend drinks until 1 am every time he goes to the bar despite having to be at work at 6:30 am. A former coworker told me he either can have zero drinks or he will have 12 drinks. There's no in between for him.

 

I can't relate because as I mentioned I can easily have one drink (although I no longer drink - doctor's orders!), but some people just can't seem to limit themselves.

 

OP, does he get blasting drunk every time he goes out drinking?

 

BTW, forget about thinking someone "should" want to do something you want them to do just because they're in a relationship with you. That's a bad road to go down because where does it end? Better to choose someone who's actions and behaviors are aligned with yours.

[LaHermes]

 

The nitty gritty: Are your lifestyles otherwise similar? Do you have similar values?

 

Good question GreenD.

 

I'd like to hear the OP's answer.

[Wiseman2]

Decide for yourself if it's a problem: https://www.cdc.gov/alcohol/fact-sheets/binge-drinking.htm

 

[Cherylyn]

No, you don't have to make peace with your bf's drinking. Either he needs to attend AA meetings and take care of himself or you need to dissolve the relationship. Make your exit so you can be fair to yourself and have a good life. Never waste your youth on a man who will only drag you down.

[h0000]

Let's not blow things out of proportion here. Yes, I can find someone else who drinks less but he's gonna have other issues that I make threats about. I'm not gonna dump someone soon as I get annoyed, I may as well be single forever then.

 

We are similar in the grand scheme of things and he has what I'm looking for and he doesn't have my deal breakers. Trust me, I have a long list of boxes a guy needs to tick, but getting drunk reasonably, occasionally is not on it. I realised it's unrealistic anyway to expect anyone to never get drunk for me.

 

I also never really had an issue till yesterday, yeah I was super annoyed and he has also been drinking bit more often than before. To his defense it was because COVID restriction has finally been lifted and everybody got a little too excited. He says it will slow down now. We also reached an agreement that max 4 beers if I have to work the next day. I think it's reasonable so I'm gonna see.

 

I don't understand why whenever there is an conflict people immediately say its "incompatible" and I should consider leaving, as if every conflict should be a new deal breaker for me. I'm yet to see a relationship where no conflict ever exists.

[Billie28]

Decide for yourself if it's a problem: https://www.cdc.gov/alcohol/fact-sheets/binge-drinking.htm

 

 

I think there is a big difference between binge drinking responsibly and irresponsibly.

 

There is the suggestion ( made out to be fact ) that “binge” drinkers cost the government x amount of millions of dollars. ( that would be the irresponsible ones) Yet fail to state how much revenue is made by the responsible ones.

 

Too funny!

[Billie28]

Let's not blow things out of proportion here. Yes, I can find someone else who drinks less but he's gonna have other issues that I make threats about. I'm not gonna dump someone soon as I get annoyed, I may as well be single forever then.

 

We are similar in the grand scheme of things and he has what I'm looking for and he doesn't have my deal breakers. Trust me, I have a long list of boxes a guy needs to tick, but getting drunk reasonably, occasionally is not on it. I realised it's unrealistic anyway to expect anyone to never get drunk for me.

 

I also never really had an issue till yesterday, yeah I was super annoyed and he has also been drinking bit more often than before. To his defense it was because COVID restriction has finally been lifted and everybody got a little too excited. He says it will slow down now. We also reached an agreement that max 4 beers if I have to work the next day. I think it's reasonable so I'm gonna see.

 

I don't understand why whenever there is an conflict people immediately say its "incompatible" and I should consider leaving, as if every conflict should be a new deal breaker for me. I'm yet to see a relationship where no conflict ever exists.

 

So he has compromised by drinking 4 beers only on a night when YOU are working the next day?

You still haven’t told us what YOUR compromise is?

 

What does this mean? “Yes, I can find someone else who drinks less but he's gonna have other issues that I make threats about.”

 

Why would you threaten a partner?

What are you threatening them with? What’s the consequence and why???

That sounds super controlling to me and tbh no relationship survives on threats!?

 

Again , you come across as controlling. And unwilling to compromise.

 

So, when people state that you are incompatible , that’s why!!!

Compatible people accept and compromise.

You have done neither and really your bf will leave you for that eventually.

 

Please come up with a compromise with him rather than a demand he apparently temporarily agrees to or kiss him goodbye.

[catfeeder]

Let's not blow things out of proportion here. Yes, I can find someone else who drinks less but he's gonna have other issues that I make threats about. I'm not gonna dump someone soon as I get annoyed, I may as well be single forever then.

 

We are similar in the grand scheme of things and he has what I'm looking for and he doesn't have my deal breakers. Trust me, I have a long list of boxes a guy needs to tick, but getting drunk reasonably, occasionally is not on it. I realised it's unrealistic anyway to expect anyone to never get drunk for me.

 

I also never really had an issue till yesterday, yeah I was super annoyed and he has also been drinking bit more often than before. To his defense it was because COVID restriction has finally been lifted and everybody got a little too excited. He says it will slow down now. We also reached an agreement that max 4 beers if I have to work the next day. I think it's reasonable so I'm gonna see.

 

I don't understand why whenever there is an conflict people immediately say its "incompatible" and I should consider leaving, as if every conflict should be a new deal breaker for me. I'm yet to see a relationship where no conflict ever exists.

 

Nobody's telling you that you 'must' dump him. I spoke for myself: if I loved someone enough to negotiate (rather than dictate) an outcome that was worth living with, I would do so. If not, then it wouldn't be worth it to ME to live with that.

 

Negotiation means offering something of value to another in exchange for something of value to me. It's the fine art of showing someone what's in it for them to give me what I want. "If you'll scratch my back, I'll scratch yours."

 

So what have you offered him in exchange for modifying his behavior?

 

It's not that this is a law, but it's an agreement that avoids shifting the resentment from you to him. Otherwise, you can strong-arm the guy into behaving, but that doesn't mean he won't begin to wonder whether HE wants to stay in this arrangement.

[smackie9]

Another way to get around this is for him to go sleep it off on his buddies couch for the night...then there is no disturbance of your sleep or do you have to look at him being all hung over the next day. You can carry on with your morning in peace. He doesn't have to cut back, and you get your sleep.