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Hi Guys, I'm sure there's been a lot of posts on this topic on here and all over the internet (which I have read tons of). I specifically wanted to know why exes come back after a period of NC and breadcrumb/initiate contact and make conversation while still in a relationship with their rebound.

 

My ex recently reached out a week ago and has been talking almost every day - initiating convo EVERY time, sending selfies, videos of herself, having banter (sometimes borderline flirty banter), opening up about some deep stuff, and then sometimes also ghosting a bit. Very hot and cold. Why might this be? I can't work out her intentions - I made it very clear to her I didn't want a friendship, and she has been posting quite a few pictures of her current BF since getting back in contact with me, dropped in conversation once that she was emotional and upset about something to do with him and her being insecure but I cut that convo off and told her to talk to her friends about him not me. Like I said she's still in her relationship (got with him a mere few days after we broke up and she was the dumper), and seems 'happy' according to social media, professing they love eachother (from early on actually, after 1 month), and I guess if she's crying over him because she's insecure then she must like him/love him a hell of a lot (the way I see it). So why is she doing this?

 

Any thoughts/perspective/opinions much appreciated.

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Sorry to hear this. She is getting clear messages from you that you are friends and do want to entertain her. If you had deleted and blocked her and her people your words would match your actions. Try not to swim in the wings, you'll get hurt.

I made it very clear to her I didn't want a friendship
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I mean I acted very indifferent towards her the whole time, stopped the conversation first and she kept coming back and double texting etc. I deleted her number and she has been messaging on Snapchat as well... She even came to my house to drop off supplies of something I was running low on (I have been ill). The only reason I haven't ignored her is because I do hope we can eventually reconcile in the future, and if I cut her out completely at every attempt she makes to contact me then how will this even be a feasible option in the future if it does arise??

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I mean I acted very indifferent towards her the whole time, stopped the conversation first and she kept coming back and double texting etc. I deleted her number and she has been messaging on Snapchat as well... She even came to my house to drop off supplies of something I was running low on (I have been ill). The only reason I haven't ignored her is because I do hope we can eventually reconcile in the future, and if I cut her out completely at every attempt she makes to contact me then how will this even be a feasible option in the future if it does arise??
Dumpers come back with bread crumbs because they need to feed their ego.

 

You have to cut her off because otherwise it is just goung to be less and less bread crumbs until its nothing.

 

Reconcilement does happen but I wouldn't count on it or try to make it happen because no matter how slick you think you are appearing, you are still emotionally invested. The dumper is not.

 

Therefore, all these little breadcrumbs you're counting as signs can be wiped away when she says-- "you know I have a boyfriend"

 

Breadcrumbs are selfish little tests... they mean nothing. The best thibg you can do is ignore her... no response.....

 

she is showing you what a selfish and crappy person she is.

 

 

.

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Why would you leave this option open? Why haven't you blocked?

 

All you are doing is giving a big ole ego boost and playing her therapist. This shows how little she cares about or respects you.

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I mean I acted very indifferent towards her the whole time, stopped the conversation first and she kept coming back and double texting etc. I deleted her number and she has been messaging on Snapchat as well... She even came to my house to drop off supplies of something I was running low on (I have been ill). The only reason I haven't ignored her is because I do hope we can eventually reconcile in the future, and if I cut her out completely at every attempt she makes to contact me then how will this even be a feasible option in the future if it does arise??

 

You should not be responding at all. Block and delete.

 

 

 

"She gave me the whole 'I love you but Im not in love with you' and 'I have been falling out of love with you for a while'." This is all you need to know, in addition to the fact that she cheated on you.

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The reasons for this are numerous, and not really worth thinking about. But, hey, sometimes we need to understand something a little more clearly to understand it's not worth thinking about. So...

 

Why do people do this? Why not? Human beings, generally speaking, do not like being bored and uncomfortable, and so they look for ways to "treat" those conditions. Some write novels, some meditate, some make millions trading on futures, some pray, some get serious about cooking, and so on—channeling that energy so "bored and uncomfortable" morphs into something better, something that supplies a sense of meaning and security.

 

And, yeah, some people hit up an ex. It's the lowest hanging fruit on the tree. Writing a novel is hard. Learning to sit with some uncomfortable thoughts is hard. Sending a text that says "heyyyyyyyy" is not very hard.

 

Wanting to reconcile is understandable, human. Here's the thing: whether it's getting back with someone from the past, or a new person from the future, it's worth asking yourself—in your own mind and spirit—how you'd like to build that connection. Is it like this? I highly doubt it. After all, she is simply showing you, right now, that she is in a place in life where she is incapable of treating people with respect, where she values the drug of attention over compassion. She's treating her boyfriend awfully by talking to you. She's treating you awfully by disrespecting your wishes for space. Rewarding awful behavior rarely—read: never—leads to romantic bliss.

 

Another way to understand these bread crumbing instincts? Well, past the confusion, think about what it offers you right now. A little buzz. Sour aftertaste, of course, but it's interesting enough to make a boring day less boring, gives you something to think about, some stuff to feel. Same coin, different side. Sometimes we need to flip it a few times to move on toward richer forms of currency.

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She's doing this because she wants you around as Plan B in case things go sideways with her new boyfriend. She also knows you're a reliable source of attention when she's not getting it from him.

 

Bottom line? She's not contacting you because she loves you. It's because she doesn't want to be alone. That's fairly clear by the way she jumped out of your relationship and right into another. This guy had been in her orbit longer than that, I guarantee you. A woman who's really into you doesn't do what this one did.

 

Reconciliation is very unlikely. A successful one, anyway. She might come back if they break up, but it won't last, my friend. She will bounce again.

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Lurking around pretending to be friends and allowing her to contact you whenever she's bored while hoping she picks you is SO not attractive. I don't know why you would think acting like that would attract her back.

 

You disappear? She might start wondering where you are and what you're doing and who you're with. And hopefully in the meantime you'll have met someone who doesn't play games with ex's emotions while allegedly dating someone else.

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Hey, thanks for all your replies I'm definitely taking all your advice on.

 

Throughout my responses to her I never acted like a friend and most of the time I acted disinterested, finished the conversation even when she double texted etc. So yeah I'm not just 'waiting in the wings to be her friend'.

 

It did bother me that she cheated yes but I have worked through that and I have forgiven her for that. I do have a lot of forgiveness in my heart as well as love.

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By responding, it shows her that you have not let go. She has clearly shown you that she does not care about or respect you. Show yourself more love and value.

 

I too have forgiveness for people who have hurt me, but it certainly does not mean that they are a part of my life. I do not keep toxicity around.

 

Good luck.

Edited by Hollyj
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Exes breadcrumb because you allow it. The only thing that manipulators understand is ACTION. It doesnt matter how you ACT, you are still engaging her by remaining available to her. Yes, she uses you for attention, validation and as a plan B. You went from the main source to a backup source.

 

Breadcrumbing and using you along with her current bf shows a huge lack of respect for the both of you. Shes using you guys. Take your attention away from her and see how quickly she disappears from your life without a fight. She does not love you. She isnt even emotionally available to you because her new man comes first. You come second or third. Juggling men is exhausting, and there are only so many hours in a day.

 

As a former breadcrumber, I can tell you that there is NO future with this woman. The day will come when she will have no more use for you and she will discard you permanently. There is nothing that you can do to prevent this. Leave now before that happens. Save yourself further trauma. Even if you say you don't care or want friendship, she knows by your actions that deep down, you really DO.

 

Example: An ex that I ran Into tried to act indifferent with me while we talked. But the fact that he stood out in the hot ass sun in his work uniform and talked to me for over an hour-- meant that he still "cared" on some level. He was working- and he didnt even have to stop to talk to me at all. Or he could've talked to me for 5 minutes. But he stood in 90 degree temps with me for over an hour. So him having a girlfriend didnt even matter at that point because he was still "entertaining" me. If he had one, he wasnt too happy with her. Just like you concluded that shes not happy with her new man since she's contacting you.

 

I did enjoy his company while I was there. I was in a relationship that I had no Intention of leaving and he knew that. He knew that I was still with my boyfriend that I had when I dumped him. Even though I said differently, I could tell that he knew the truth because it was a recurring dynamic when we were together.How likely was it that things had changed 8 months later? And that's why I didn't trust his motives. Besides, he wasnt good side dude material anymore and it wasnt worth the trouble.

 

Just like you know that shes still with him, no matter how unhappy she tells you she is. So we know that If you still entertain us knowing we have someone else, you still CARE. We also know that you cannot be trusted if you still entertain us. I know that I'm foul as hell with what I'm doing. If you are willing to remain open to me on ANY level knowing I have someone else- that means that you are foul just like we are and a doormat. If we do come back to you, you'll do to us what were doing and we cannot have that.(You could simply still care for us and not be foul at all but we wont see it that way)

 

This is why you need to leave. See this for what it really is. Grow a backbone. Go no contact. People break up and get back together all the time. But if an ex comes back to you after a breakup and they have someone new, NOTHING GOOD will come of it. You are in a love triangle thats going nowhere. People get killed over these situations daily.

 

Your ex is in a who*e phase in her life right now. She will one day mature and stop playing those games. Double lives are exhausting. And she will then find one partner. But she will never return to you, if that's what you're secretly hoping. Not because she didnt care, but because most people want someone that has self respect. We wont respect you if you dont respect yourself. If you ask to come back to our team(our harem of guys, former and current) we may give you a seat on the bench with the others if we feel you can benefit us some way without being too much of a problem with our new man. But when we grow, mature, and realize that we want a real relationship, you wont even enter into the equation. Good luck to you. (Sorry for the third person)

Ps. There are quite a few good men(loyal, honest, thoughtful, hard working and stable) that love dramatic, crazy, whorish, mentally unstable women. Youd be surprised how many men leave these tumultuous relationships only to find themselves bored and missing the woman. They miss the drama, the sex, and the highs and lows. They tend to be "fixers.". Please get away and stay away from that dramatic, noncommittal woman. Do some self reflection on why you entertained her and continue to do so.

Edited by smJackson
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  • 1 month later...

Perspective has a lot to do with healing after a break up. Lets figure out what is true this very moment.

Is she with you in a relationship? No

Is she an X? Yes

So as we can see, you two are not in a relationship and she is an X, which means you do not have to care what she says or does or with who they do things with. Its no longer your concern.

As far as perspective.. If you believe they are breadcrumbs, then they are breadcrumbs. If you don't see them as breadcrumbs then they are not breadcrumbs. In other words, if you believe its important then it is important.

As others have posted, the reason why your x sends you messages is numerous. I can list about 54 reasons but it doesn't really matter because she is an X. But as long as you reply, she will continue to communicate with you because it makes her feel good. If you reply, you reward her, you make her feel good at your expense.

So if you want the X to stop, just don't reply. Your X will eventually get the message and stop or find someone else. Its not instant and its going to take time for this to happen. Sooooooo in the meantime, if your X sends a message, relax, breathe, accept that your X did send a message but don't question why, just accept. Then you read it and then delete it and you don't think about it again.

Its easier said than done, but in time youll get used to it. Just don't dwell on it. Remember.. part of healing is about perception.

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  • 3 weeks later...
Exes breadcrumb because you allow it. The only thing that manipulators understand is ACTION. It doesnt matter how you ACT, you are still engaging her by remaining available to her. Yes, she uses you for attention, validation and as a plan B. You went from the main source to a backup source.

 

Breadcrumbing and using you along with her current bf shows a huge lack of respect for the both of you. Shes using you guys. Take your attention away from her and see how quickly she disappears from your life without a fight. She does not love you. She isnt even emotionally available to you because her new man comes first. You come second or third. Juggling men is exhausting, and there are only so many hours in a day.

 

As a former breadcrumber, I can tell you that there is NO future with this woman. The day will come when she will have no more use for you and she will discard you permanently. There is nothing that you can do to prevent this. Leave now before that happens. Save yourself further trauma. Even if you say you don't care or want friendship, she knows by your actions that deep down, you really DO.

 

Example: An ex that I ran Into tried to act indifferent with me while we talked. But the fact that he stood out in the hot ass sun in his work uniform and talked to me for over an hour-- meant that he still "cared" on some level. He was working- and he didnt even have to stop to talk to me at all. Or he could've talked to me for 5 minutes. But he stood in 90 degree temps with me for over an hour. So him having a girlfriend didnt even matter at that point because he was still "entertaining" me. If he had one, he wasnt too happy with her. Just like you concluded that shes not happy with her new man since she's contacting you.

 

I did enjoy his company while I was there. I was in a relationship that I had no Intention of leaving and he knew that. He knew that I was still with my boyfriend that I had when I dumped him. Even though I said differently, I could tell that he knew the truth because it was a recurring dynamic when we were together.How likely was it that things had changed 8 months later? And that's why I didn't trust his motives. Besides, he wasnt good side dude material anymore and it wasnt worth the trouble.

 

Just like you know that shes still with him, no matter how unhappy she tells you she is. So we know that If you still entertain us knowing we have someone else, you still CARE. We also know that you cannot be trusted if you still entertain us. I know that I'm foul as hell with what I'm doing. If you are willing to remain open to me on ANY level knowing I have someone else- that means that you are foul just like we are and a doormat. If we do come back to you, you'll do to us what were doing and we cannot have that.(You could simply still care for us and not be foul at all but we wont see it that way)

 

This is why you need to leave. See this for what it really is. Grow a backbone. Go no contact. People break up and get back together all the time. But if an ex comes back to you after a breakup and they have someone new, NOTHING GOOD will come of it. You are in a love triangle thats going nowhere. People get killed over these situations daily.

 

Your ex is in a who*e phase in her life right now. She will one day mature and stop playing those games. Double lives are exhausting. And she will then find one partner. But she will never return to you, if that's what you're secretly hoping. Not because she didnt care, but because most people want someone that has self respect. We wont respect you if you dont respect yourself. If you ask to come back to our team(our harem of guys, former and current) we may give you a seat on the bench with the others if we feel you can benefit us some way without being too much of a problem with our new man. But when we grow, mature, and realize that we want a real relationship, you wont even enter into the equation. Good luck to you. (Sorry for the third person)

Ps. There are quite a few good men(loyal, honest, thoughtful, hard working and stable) that love dramatic, crazy, whorish, mentally unstable women. Youd be surprised how many men leave these tumultuous relationships only to find themselves bored and missing the woman. They miss the drama, the sex, and the highs and lows. They tend to be "fixers.". Please get away and stay away from that dramatic, noncommittal woman. Do some self reflection on why you entertained her and continue to do so.

 

smJackson - Thanks for taking the time to post this! I know I have had no involvement in this thread up until now but my goodness that is accurate and something that im going through currently! Talking to people on here and reading posts like this makes me realise that my ex is one of those women you described and yes - I miss her still! Self reflection is definitely key in these situations.

 

Thank you again for spelling it out

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  • 3 weeks later...
  • 3 months later...

Go totally no contact and don’t respond to her texts anymore until you hear, “I want to try us again, can I see you?” Otherwise by continually responding and feeding her ego (which is what you’re doing) your value to her becomes less and less, you appear weak and needy, and you’ve just been dumped into the friend zone. Stop everything you’re doing right now and go no contact and stick to it not for 30 days or any other supposed magical number days, but as long as it takes. Eventually the balance of power will change and she’ll start chasing you. And if that doesn’t happen then you use that time to move on and better yourself. Best wishes

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Old post. If annie reads this, I hope everything worked out for you.

 

As to why ex's contact, rather in a relationship or not, it all depends on the person and the circumstances.

 

1. They actually do want to be friends. Just because you break up, doesn't mean it has to destroy everything. Some people can amicable split and remain close.

2. They are sorry for how they treated you. Yes, sometimes people mature and can admit there mistakes. They may want to give it another go, or they may just want to clear the air and not have to live with regret over their actions.

3. They enjoy playing games with people and have no interest in you other then to mess with your mind. Some people are simply childish.

4. They haven't changes and want to pick up where things were, ignoring what they did or what happened. Again, childish.

 

Regardless, follow your heart. You know if you want the person back in your life and what you can handle. You know if what happened can be worked through. Every person is different and should handle it in the best way for them.

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