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  1. I would tell him your needs are no longer being met in this relationship and either he begins seeing a therapist to work through his intimacy issues to be a better partner to you or you have an open marriage where you can have sex with others. If neither of these is an option for him then I don’t see an alternative except you leaving.
  2. I get this. I was raised to be mindful and attentive to the needs of others and it’s both a strength and weakness. It’s great bc people know you as a kind, caring, responsive person and rarely have a bad thing to say about you. It’s not so great when you come across someone who doesn’t reciprocate. And people who say “oh well that’s your fault for continuing to give to someone who doesn’t appreciate!” Well it’s not something so easy to turn off and makes us prone to getting our feelings hurt and feeling “less than” in a world filled with majority of ppl who feel they don’t owe you anything. I was recently dumped by someone I had a long term relationship with who didn’t even give me the courtesy of doing it face to face. We never even really had a discussion about it and it’s made it that much harder for me to move on bc I had to figure a lot of what went wrong out on my own. I’m the kind of person who needs to understand WHY. And some people will sit there and say “who cares why, it’s over, move on” I DO CARE. And that part of me won’t change just because someone says so. I understand you, I do. Hang in there.
  3. Here’s my story... met a guy online and we ended up in a relationship for 2 years. Towards the end I was going out a lot with my friends for girls nights which ended up with me drunkenly making out with a guy I knew from way back when at a club one night. So many people told me not to tell him or throw away my relationship over a drunken make out session but dishonesty isn’t my style so I came home and fessed up. During our argument I realized that even though I loved him if I was capable of doing that what else would I be capable of doing as I had no intentions of slowing down with my friends and maybe I shouldn’t be in a relationship right now. At that point he was CRUSHED, first because I had cheated on him and secondly bc in the same breath I was telling him I needed to be alone even though I loved him dearly and we had a great relationship. We had light contact over the next 6 years and both had other relationships during this time. Eventually i bump into him one night after going to a known spot he hung out at and sparks rekindled. This time we dated for 3 years and the relationship ended bc he developed a drinking problem. I tried to be supportive and work with him through the problem but after getting arrested for driving drunk and then blaming it on me for him being out drinking in the first place after an argument we had - something in me just died at that point and I no longer saw a future with him so I ended it again. He was devastated as he thought we were going to be together forever (it probably didn’t help that this was the second time I was ending it but this time it wasn’t me that screwed up). We have remained friends and he has since gotten help to quit drinking all together and is doing great with a new girlfriend who I believe he is going to marry someday. Another ex and me had a TERRIBLE tumultuous relationship for 1.5 years where I left due to his manipulation and mind games (borderline emotional abuse) and he ended up coming back a year later admitting how terrible he was to me and seeking another chance to which I said NO WAY. It has been 8 years since that relationship and every so often he pops back up and I’m fairly sure if I wanted to we could give it another go but I wont subject myself to that again.
  4. Because he doesn’t have the strength to help you understand. DO NOT ask him anymore to explain bc he will start associating you with “too much work” when he’s mentally not well right now and not up for it. Exactly what he said with not being able to maintain a relationship right now. I KNOW it’s killing you. Don’t make him feel like he needs to support your emotions right now, you need to be strong for yourself. I know that sounds terrible but it’s like asking someone with the flu to come help you with moving. Cry and be upset to yourself but when he reaches out keep things cheery and light. If he sees you as a positive light he may gravitate more towards you. He has enough gloom and doom in his head right now, don’t add to it. The best support for someone in that state is “I’m sorry your feeling this way, I understand, you don’t need to explain, etc.” That lifts the burden off him to feel like he failed you Bc trust me he’s feeling enough like a failure right now I’m sure. I went through something like this with an ex once and the more I pressured him to open up and talk to me the more he didn’t want to. I eventually stopped and took a step back and when he was starting to feel better he began reaching out and I showed him that happy girl he was initially attracted to and we were able to get back on track. It’s really hard I know.
  5. I agree with you, he knows how I feel and I can’t do anything else but move forward as time will pass with or without him. All I can do right now is focus on myself and improve upon the lessons I learned as discussed here. Thank you for your time and input, much appreciated.
  6. Agreed, I was left feeling like everything was an illusion. I feel like I gave 110% from my heart and he just “showed up” so to speak. It’s one thing for this to go on for a few months but this went on for four years. Again I don’t “give to get” but a big part of my problem is when he was talking about engagement and living together... this was all I needed to feel secure in my relationship and happy. It didn’t matter so much that he wasn’t showing love in the exact same ways that I show love Bc I don’t need that. But when you tell me you want me to move in then you back peddle when it comes to apartment hunting.... when you tell me you want to get engaged but we NEVER go ring shopping.... when you tell me how much you love and appreciate me don’t be shook when I question and say ok HOW are you showing these things? Love is words yes but it’s also action. And part of the confusion is when he jerked me around “I want to breakup actually I’m not sure if I do, maybe we are rushing this, no wait go get your stuff, actually no I’m mad you got your stuff why did you do that” it’s like HELLO GUY DO YOU WANT ME TO STAY OR GO?! If you don’t care about me or know I’m not the one or decided I’m too much for you then what is all this uncertainty?! I’m just HURT and don’t know what to make of the relationship. Most people wouldn’t care but I do. And your 100% correct in saying if he wasn’t there for me during the relationship why would he be there now that it’s over. I’m a fool for expecting that for sure.
  7. I agree with you that I was micro managing the relationship. Especially in the end. In the beginning I wasn’t like this and I have to say I have never been this extreme in any other relationship. But the more I felt “unsteady” on where I stood in his life the more my need of “control” came out. I would say the first two years we were partners and everything was equal. He would talk about moving forward and this made me feel good and secure. I was happy. But as I saw him stall and not actually make moves to make progress with me I started getting more and more insecure (are these just words? What is going on here? You want me to go apartment hunting alone? Why?) thus I started pushing more which made him retreat even further and it became a vicious cycle. I firmly believe it is something that *could* have been resolved with some conversation and understanding on BOTH sides (i should have LISTENED to his subtle manner more 100%, I failed on that end) this is where I’m frustrated. Also his mother is the complete opposite of me ironically. Very passive and easy going, i think he loved my confidence and assertiveness as he mentioned several times he had no doubt I would be a great mother and this was something VERY important to him but in the end it was the very thing that drove us apart. I overstepped boundaries on several occasions and I see that now. I just kind of feel like...ppl even give cheaters and relationships second chances every day. I didn’t even get the OPPORTUNITY to say hey you were right I DIDNT listen to your needs/wants, I see my behavior was wrong and I’d like the chance to show you different. That’s where I’m extremely frustrated.
  8. I agree with some of this. Honestly ALOT of the anger stems from the fact that for me personally love and caring doesn’t just mean “while we are together” and then it’s like you are nothing to me when we split. I am on good terms with almost all my ex’s and while we don’t talk everyday and they’re not part of my daily life, they know if they ever needed me they can reach out (and vice versa). And it has happened, I’m thinking of one situation in particular where an ex asked to meet and we talked about his depression, nothing romantic he needed a caring ear in that moment and I was happy to lend it bc once upon a time this person was very important to me and the feelings don’t just turn off but rather evolve into a friendly love. There is no awkwardness or fear of rejection on either side between any of us in a friend capacity and I find comfort in that. Maybe I have been spoiled in that sense or tend to pick people who think like me but This recent ex decided to terminate things in a very sloppy way, did it over the phone, and then disappeared of the face of the earth like he never existed. It seems this might be the norm for many people out there (cut the cord and GOODBYE) but I personally have never experienced this before and find it VERY hard to swallow especially bc as you read my examples in the other thread I was always THERE for him when it mattered. I know everyone will say “it’s simple you didn’t get what you needed, he doesn’t care, ppl handle breakups differently MOVE ON” but it’s a bitter hard HURTFUL pill for me to swallow especially when most men have followed a certain pattern for me and then this one just went rogue after years together.
  9. This broke my heart for you as I know this feeling all too well. Listen to me that is NOT a reflection of you. Look into “Dismissive Avoidant” attachment styles. Some people have a very low threshold for emotional conflict and will run away from it making you feel like it’s all your fault for being emotional. These persons usually are easily able to suppress their feelings which may explain how he kind of shuts them off when not with you and being so confused on how he feels. He needs to sort this out on his own. You cannot “convince” someone to be with you and all you will do is make yourself look desperate and nobody ever stays with someone “just because she would be so upset without me”. He needs to come to you by his own accord.
  10. You know what is crazy and a common thread in this forum is how many times someone dumps someone only to come back some time later. I notice there are two types of people - the ones who are cut and dry MOVE ON vs the ones who hope somehow it will work out. I am sure the first grouping have higher happiness rates and I wish I could be more that way. It’s SO painful to pine after someone who no longer gives you a second thought. I admire your strength and am trying my best to let go. Already removed from social media.
  11. Honestly the best thing you can do in this situation is give him space. “You want to be alone? Ok I respect that”. If I told you the amount of times I had or a friend had a guy come back after thinking they wanted to be single it is mind blowing and a classic “grass is greener” half the time. Most people think “but won’t he forget about me?” Absence makes the heart grow fonder. It may take a few weeks for him to realize how much he really does want you in his life. DO NOT ASK continuously him how he feels especially if he comes back testing the waters bc with someone who isn’t sure how they feel this is like a noose tightening around their neck and will send them running again. Patience and life your life in the meantime. I know your feeling hurt but keep that to yourself, cry, scream, yell in private - let him see the confident wonderful girl he should be scared someone else could snatch up to remind him what attracted him to you in the first place. No subliminal posts on social media either - this is a big one. I hope realizes and comes back.
  12. Honestly I see the easiest way out of this with lessened guilt on your part as “we need to part ways and you need to get therapy for me to even consider a reconciliation in the future” if you know she is so anti therapy then it’s essentially a shoo-in and if she does agree to therapy maybe you guys can reconnect later down the road. I also am slightly jealous with new boyfriends (I have been cheated on in the past) but as I learn to trust someone that feeling eventually dissipates or I wouldn’t be with the person anymore. Why would you remain with someone you don’t trust?
  13. It’s very likely it’s nothing you did. Depression takes over someone’s mind heart and soul. The best thing you can do is step back and let him heal as long as it takes and when he’s feeling more like himself he might seek you out. This is not to say you should put your life on hold by any means. Someone whose depressed needs to focus on getting themselves better (some people are better at using a support system an others isolate and push everyone away). Encourage him to seek help and tell him your available if he chooses to discuss it with you but don’t push. Sending virtual hugs ❤️
  14. I think it’s never a bad time to take responsibility even if you just say “thank you” as in the experience taught you some lessons. I received a card in the mail from an ex I had broken up with who put me through some things. A letter is less pressure than text or call. Because of that card I was able to put the past behind us and we are now on decent terms if I saw him on the street it wouldn’t be awkward. I say go for it, god forbid something happened would you regret what wasn’t said? Most people do.
  15. Thank you, this discussion was very insightful and tough as it was to swallow sometimes you made some great points.
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