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Everything posted by DQD

  1. Thankyou Lambert, I genuinely really appreciate the advice I have received on this forum, I would have been in the hurt locker a lot longer if it wasn't for the no nonsense replies! Hopefully anyone else in my situation in future reading these can be picked up out a funk too! Still get moments of missing her/how happy I was during that relationship but its finally sunk in it's done, I will never get 'clousre' and know why she has said/done the things she has and that I don't need her (or a relationship) to be that happy again! Thanks again all!
  2. Thank you for the advice and all the other posters! I did just that with the dating profiles and have met (at social distancing of course!) a couple of really nice women! Just to chat too now as I know my brain isn't in the right place for anything more at the moment but my mood has been lifted massively! As an update, after I blocked her she used her best friends account to message me on facebook asking for pointless small things back like 2 shot glasses she bought me for £2.00, wants me to keep using her NOW TV account for me and my daughter etc, again asked not to block her. I would assume this is also how she is keeping track of my social media to find out who I added (I also unfriended the best friend once I removed/blocked the ex). Again, thanks for all the honesty and advice and I do genuinely feel a lot better about this situation moving forwards!
  3. smJackson - Thanks for taking the time to post this! I know I have had no involvement in this thread up until now but my goodness that is accurate and something that im going through currently! Talking to people on here and reading posts like this makes me realise that my ex is one of those women you described and yes - I miss her still! Self reflection is definitely key in these situations. Thank you again for spelling it out
  4. Spooky, my ex got back in touch 4 days after NC - she unblocked me and sent me a WhatsApp trying to be all pally, asked me not to block her etc. I have to say due to the help i got from this forum and chatting to people i was starting to feel abit happier about the split. Chatting to her today has done nothing but bring me back down and start questioning again. I know it is easier said than done but either straight up block her now with no prior message or do as i'm considering doing - send her a message and say to enabling you to process the split and make a start on moving on, you need to block her to remove any temptation to message her or backward steps in your road to recovery. Hope this helps buddy!
  5. I think im slowly getting wiser as that's my first impression when she messaged me, was dumbfounded but as you say better women out there and i need to work on my own self worth first to maybe elevate my standards before getting with anyone else! Clearly need to get better at spotting warning signs as well as acknowledging red flags and not trying to work past them!
  6. Thank you for the straight talking again DancingFool! Reference the phone thing, she was listed on my employee advantage scheme so she got 15% discount on her phone bill each month. It doesn't cost me anything at all for her to be on it so have no dramas with it being on there, there is no need for any interaction, her number just sits there with no interaction from me nor is it visible to me on my bills. I see your first point, i guess i just didn't think she would be the kind of woman who would actively want to twist the knife she stuck me with but i guess you never really know someone until you go through the grinder with them!
  7. No i agree with you, you're right and as i said previous i have told her once this business is dealt with, we will be blocking each other on WhatsApp too. She has asked for me not too until after my birthday, but cant see the point in that! My previous message was more me ranting/venting as to why she would unblock me and say all that stuff too me, i have no idea what she hopes to gain from it!
  8. Best thing to do here would be to stick to the No Contact thing. I know its hard and i know im not the best placed to give such advice as im not sticking to it myself but if she has made it clear, no amount of things you say will change her mind - only she can do that. If you still want to get her back, remember what it was about you that first attracted her too you. Focus on improving this and magnifying it not for her but for yourself. You will get over this soon, or attract her back whichever is supposed to happen, will happen.
  9. I have been in NC with my ex girlfriend for 4 days - she sent me a message last night and she has been messaging me asking loads of questions about the issues we fell out about. She has said she maybe wishes she was a stronger person to have dealt with the issue we had that was the final nail in the coffin as it would mean we are still together now. Most of her fondest happiest memories are of us two together but she knows herself and what she deserves and that ISNT a man right now. She can find happiness in being alone. It seems to me to be mixed messaging. I have said to her i need to block her again once the financial stuff we are trying to sort is done and she has come back with 1 thing she is asking for is that i wait until at least after my birthday to block her again. I have no idea why this woman is going out her way to ruin my progress in getting over her. She broke up with me. She said there is no way for this to work out and she was done. She had her ex boyfriend over her flat for the night hours after we broke up. She is the one saying she cant possibly think of being with a man for a long time because of how strongly she loved me and it is gone now. I guess all i have that i want to say too her (that i cant) is - I tried my hardest to make you has happy as you made me. I loved spending time with you and your daughters. It is a shame you couldn't see past the things that were enough to drive us apart. Maybe lockdown was a big contributing factor to us ending, maybe we were always going to end. I will never be your friend again like we were, i doubt we will ever speak again after this is all done because i cant. You have taken from me everything i saw as my future and i will never forgive you for that or for how much my daughter loved seeing you and your children which has also been taken from her. Every couple has issues and dramas to work though and people have pointed out for a long time (as well as on this forum) all the red flags i over looked when it came to you and ours. I hope i stop loving you pretty damn soon because this is not good for me, my head or my daughter. Not only do i wish i could stop loving you i wish i could hate you for what you have done or better yet, just blank the last 6 years of you in my life out of my head so i could walk past you in the street and not even know who you were.
  10. I did ask for brutal honesty and I certainly got it! strangely enough last night she unblocked me on WhatsApp and sent me a barrage of messages. I have her blocked on Instagram so im unsure how she saw but she started on about how I have re-added 10+ people so I she doesn't know why I ever made it seem like it's because I wanted too. I clearly felt like she was making me, and that in itself isn't healthy. She doesn't think im an , never has or will and that if anything she maybe wishes that she had been a stronger person to be able to push past this. She basically messaged me thanking me for her stuff I returned yesterday (posted it through her letterbox without knocking and left). then raised an issue of me removing her from my phone discount scheme (which I haddnt). I am currently in the process of sorting it and there has been some general chit chat between us while it is being sorted with the above being mentioned. I have made it clear multiple times though once this is all sorted I want to be going back to zero contact and blocking each other. She has asked for me not to block her until at least after my birthday (18 days away!). This woman is ing with my head 1 min saying she had a bad day yesterday thinking of all the good times we had together, most of her happiest memories are with me but she cant put her finger on where or why it went wrong. I know I'm about to be torn apart for even replying and not blocking her the min she unblocked me and I need it to be honest. I have read all the replies and reading them I feel better about the situation. I know it isn't healthy to have this attachment to this woman and I have never been like this with one before so struggling to see why i ended up in this position. I know it seems like I have been thinking with the lower half of my body and I do think that there is some truth in that but not totally - we would have weekends away without anything physical happening for 1 reason or another and i was happy just being in her presence. Same with when she would come over and stay, I have said to her a few times I'm not in the mood, I just wanted to be around her! Im sure there is a queue forming to send me an internet slap and it is probably what I need but i will be googling this white knight syndrome because i really don't want to be feeling like this anymore, i just cant seem to snap out of it!
  11. DancingFool, I asked for brutal honesty and I got it! Unfortunately all I have said is true. I'm not nor have I ever been into drugs. I always knew she had issues, she had a hard life previously but from when we were talking I genuinely thought she was getting her life on track. She gave up the coke, cut back on her drinking, started on her fitness etc. To clarify - my daughter has only met this woman in the last month and only then 4 or 5 times - we have been together for just over a year now and she hasn't touched drugs since the first couple of weeks of our relationship (so I believe). I genuinely believed she had given all that up for good - she constantly made a point of saying to me how much better her life was since she met me, she wouldn't ever go back to drugs now, etc etc. Thank you for the brutal honesty, I have been whinging to my friends about this mess since it happened and none of them have been as direct and blunt as you have which has made me feel silly for feeling the way I currently do as well as how I did feel about her. Keep it coming to really put the nail in the coffin for me!
  12. I'm not into drugs in the slightest. Gave up drinking for 2 years prior to us getting together too, only started drinking again (socially) with her when she came over/when me and her went away for weekends! She gave up the coke from that night forward, which was within the first couple of weeks of us dating, I do genuinely believe she gave up the drugs right up until now but I know some of her friends are into it and I know she doesn't have the strongest of wills, its how she has ended up in such awful situations! I genuinely feel sad/terrible that she may end up in those types of situations again. She is genuinely such a lovely woman and an amazing mam! I don't want to see/hear her downward spiral. Part of me wants to go knock on her door in a few weeks, not to get back with her or have any type of relationship talk but to remind her of all the good in her life and to check that she has stayed away from the drugs but im not so sure how that will be received or how it will affect me with how much I currently love/care about her!
  13. Thank you for your reply DancingFool, as always the feedback is appreciated. Do you mean when you say you were hoping I wasn't helping her cheat emotionally that you thought I was encouraging her to talk bad of him while they were together? Because if so, no every-time she complained about not being taken out on dates, being ignored etc I told her to take it up with him if she wanted things to change. I will be stealing that correct response for any rare time that situation arises again, because I truly don't want to feel like this again! I see your point in not knowing if the things she said about her ex were true, which to be fair has been in the back of my mind for quite a while. I raised it with her and said im struggling to see why she was so nice/bent over backwards to accommodate his demands when he did all these things too her/refuses to come see his kids unless he can stay at her flat because he 'cant afford the petrol' etc. She said it was because she grew up with 2 parents who hated each other and didn't want to have that for her girls. We've blocked and deleted each other on every form of contact we had previously and I have purged my house of all photos/gifts etc so hopefully this NC cold turkey will speed things up ASAP but it will be hard with her living 100m away. One thing I haven't mentioned is on top of her excessive alcohol thing (she drank 2 bottles of wine Saturday at the BBQ Saturday and drank more when she went back to hers), she also had a heavy coke habit when she was with her ex. My fear (for her) is that she will now downward spiral into drink, sex and drugs which goes back to my previous message in that I feel sad for her and her daughters! I still love her the same and hate to think of her being in that position! One of our earlier arguments, was caused due to one of her drink/drug binges in which she got herself in a situation with bringing some men back to hers who wanted more than just to party. She told me a version the next morning which is why I believed her as if she didn't say anything too me I would never have found out about it! Since that day, she swore she was giving up coke and I genuinely believe she did. I know im painting her out to be some horrible woman, but again genuinely I thought she was such a sweet loving girlfriend, couldn't fault her personality! I just wish I went back in time to when I was organising that work fix and just left it at her saying yes I will let you know!
  14. Thank you again Sherry, your comments (as have everyone else's) been taken on board! It has all been a massive learning curve and regardless of what the future holds for me, I will 100% keep this in mind when it comes to work messaging. It seems to me still that even with this new insight on these messages, it was unfortunately just an excuse to end us. I cant see how she went from that day talking of our future buying a house together etc..to having her ex over for the night under 5 hours later based on that when as her last message to me before we went NC was that she knew nothing would happen with me and another woman, it was that other women thought there was a chance! However, again your replies (as with all of them) are appreciated! I genuinely feel slightly better after reading them all so hopefully will be able to get a decent amount of sleep tonight! It's a shame it ended as I still view her as the love of my life, but if it wasn't meant to be it hopefully means my 'the one' is still out there who will make each other as happy as we can be. As hard as it is to say, I hope already that 1 day she also finds someone that makes her as happy (or happier) than she made me.
  15. Thank you Rose for your reply! You're the 2nd person to point out the texts came across as flirty which I genuinely never saw them as, so again it is something for me to work on - thank you again for pointing it out because in the long run it will help ensure I don't go through feeling like this again! As to why she went through my phone, I put her thumb print on my phone because I had no issue with her doing so - in my mind I was doing nothing 'malicious' and had absolutely nothing to hide! I only found out when I walked back into the house, picked up my phone and saw it was in my chats! I then bought it through to her and said to her I knew she had been on my phone, tried to hand it back to her and said feel free to look though it, ask me what you want as I have nothing to hide and that she only had to ask to go on it anyway! There were many red flags - I thought we worked through them all though and I genuinely saw me marrying this woman, she was/is the love of my life!
  16. Hi Sherry, I did indeed speak to the male colleagues that work for me in exactly the same way, I even went into other chats with these guys that work for me and showed her where in the last couple of days I have said to all of them individually that they were good eggs! But again, what I've just said doesn't take away from the fact that you as a woman can see it's flirting. I have raised with my ex 6 years ago I am hideously naïve when it comes to flirting etc due to my upbringing in a all male school and have never really picked up on those sort of things. It has got me in several situations over the years and is another thing I need to work on for future - not everyone being nice does it without an ulterior motive I guess!
  17. You're correct, I was definitely blinded by her looks and physical attributes to begin with - it quickly became more than that for me though and made sure she knew I valued her personality far more than her looks/physical attributes. There were quite a few red flags which when my friends heard some of the stuff that had been going on, raised as concerns but I dismissed them. I did this because in my mind, none of them knew the woman I did and in the situation the good far outweighed the bad. The bad she managed to justify/explain and I would say in my head that because she came forward with the information which in all fairness, if she didn't I would never have known about it - it must be true! You're 100% right with the not sleeping/eating/feeling sick constantly. I feel like I have a pile of bricks on my chest pinning me down most of the time and genuinely think that I will never meet another woman that comes anywhere near the level of feelings I had for this woman. Hopefully this impression and the previous issues im currently going through disappear soon as it is negatively impacting all aspects of my life! I appreciate all the advice and your time in reading this/tapping out your reply!
  18. Thank you for your input Sherry, I genuinely didn't see it as flirting however that doesn't excuse the fact that my ex did and you're right I am also to blame for this relationship ending. It is yet another reason I think I am so down about it all coming crashing down around me and will take this lesson forwards with me for the rest of my life so I guess it does have some positives come of it! It felt to me like an excuse for her to end it, by having blokes over hers so quickly but then that may be down to my view which is why I asked for brutal honesty from anyone who took the time to read the essay I tapped out it is genuinely appreciated!
  19. Hi Buddy. Just read your opening message along with the following. The similarities between your situation and mine are spooky - even down to me about to turn 33 this month! I also feel like I have missed my chance to settle down with my soul mate. Speaking to people on here and reading their replies while I pour my emotions and heart out do help me though. When I get the sudden stomach sinking feeling, I reread the excellent advice posted by people who have commented on my thread and it starts to ease. Unfortunately it doesn't go completely, but I'm going to make a conscious decision tonight that this is enough moping around and every time I feel like that I need to get up off my ass and stop feeling sorry for myself, do something constructive! Feeling sad is only natural, what helps me which is a different type of sad (haha) is watching feel good films from a mans point of view like forgetting sarah marshall! The bloke gets broken up with, goes through the cycles of denial, bargaining, missing her, crying alone at home listening to sad music - but right when he least expects it he meets a much better woman and his ex is left as single. It has the added bonus of having some funny moments in too so next time you're feeling sad bang that film on anad if it doesn't work - have a laugh that im that crazy it works to pick me up! Im a hypocrite for saying it, but chin up buddy and I hope it gets better soon. You're better than her and deserve better.
  20. It does seem that way doesn't it! The funny thing is she has met this woman I work with on a work night out. They went to the toilets together as girls do in which my ex told her I was the one! This woman was telling her that I was a really sweet guy, she was glad she got to meet her etc..but that is what has made her and her best friend who was with her, dislike the girl! Because she said I was a sweet guy which means I was treating her as I was treating my girlfriend and was just that 'nice guy' that is there for all women! Lambert, how quickly did you realize that is guy wasn't the best you would find because if I have a bench mark in which I know there is an end it might help because as I say at the min I feel truly terrible! Thanks for the message boltnrun, I used to help her out so much (some have said I was a mug) because the ex wasn't paying maintenance or helping her with getting things. I bet now we aren't together though he has found the money to help out with the food shops! He has certainly found the money to pay for the fuel to come over which he never had when I was with her to see his kids! I agree Dancingfool, as hard as it is to say! She messaged me on Monday to say she wouldn't ever get back with him as she couldn't ever trust him.. yet he spends a lot of time over there now including for the night. She spent the last year (longer technically as she was complaining to me about him, while with him) how bad he is, was only interested in her for the physical stuff etc which is why my mind has been blown that someone that treated her as she told me he did - is the one she is getting back with?! Part of me wonders if I was just the rebound relationship and she misses being with him which is why this has happened. I know technically it doesn't matter why its happened only that it has..but I really cant get my head around it all!
  21. Thank you Lambert, DancingFool & lostandhurt. Your messages all help and make very valid points, they make perfect sense which both hurts and makes me feel better in some ways. She said such nice things at the right times that made me open up to her right up until recently and im struggling to believe she didn't mean them contrary to all evidence. I know that there are 2 sides to every story and i'm sure I have stepped out of line several times in the relationship that upset/annoyed her. I never for a second thought about cheating, was never inappropriate with another woman either sexting, leading one on etc at all and constantly told her she was my ideal woman. Her final message to me was "she knew that I would never cheat on her, it was more the fact that other women thought there was the chance". My daughter is upset as the last time she saw this woman, she was being asked if she wanted sleep overs, girly spa days etc next time she was back here from her mums..then when she comes back to find out that we have split and these things wont be happening again. I have tried explaining it too her, that sometimes things don't work out and she seems to be putting a brave face on it but I can tell she is still upset by it all. I think you're right Lambert in that I will never get closure from her. I asked her on the sunday to just give me closure that would help me move on with no consequences, I wont be angry no matter what she said. I even said her having her ex over that soon after our relationship ended was the best thing she could have done to help me get over it and the thing I was struggling with would be losing her as my best friend after almost daily contact for so long. That is where she said I don't know what you think happened, he slept on the sofa after tidying the flat and helping out with the kids as I was hysterical. I know that is a lie as her window was open and he is quite loud so heard lots of laughing that night, combined with her saying she was drinking there with him too. I know how this makes me sound saying all this, but it has blown my mind that she couldn't just be honest with me knowing it would help me. Her only thing to give me closure was to say " I wasn't a good girlfriend, it's the only thing I can say". I feel really low, almost like I would be better off just going to bed and not waking up bad. To go from what we were to what we are now so quickly after her saying all the things she did is what is making this so hard I think! As an addition, nearly all of her ex's are social media friends and she is quite friendly with! Apparently several wanted too (or did) propose to her, the vast majority of her serious relationships only lasted 1 year before she ended them. Her longest relationship was with her ex but he sounds almost the worst one out the lot for her, yet is the father to her children so is tied to her for life I guess! I know im rambling, but don't have any paper to write out a journal as of yet! I have heard time heals all wounds and that eventually I will be fine, but I feel like (and said too her) this woman is the prettiest I have ever been with, with the best personality and makes me the happiest! I worry I will never find anyone that measures up too her or that will make me as happy as she did, resulting in me being alone forever. I appreciate all the help and the time you have spent reading my rambling, like I say I feel better for venting and reading your replies!
  22. Hi Gator, Thanks for the reply and kind words. The sad thing is I 100% agree with what you're saying but im struggling to sleep, eat, concentrate at work etc. I genuinely saw her as the woman I would marry as well as my best friend. I have spent all day today reading posts on this forum in an attempt to find a short cut to get over this but even doing that my mind goes back to her! To then flip it, my head goes to all the memories I have of the fun things we did together and imagining her doing it with other blokes and I feel sad. She's an attractive woman that drinks a lot, she's easily peer pressured into things and I feel sad for her living that life! I need to get a grip for both mine and my daughters sake but just cant seem to snap out of this!
  23. Afternoon Buddy, I know your pain as im going through something similar to the point it feels like I wrote this myself! I haven't bumped into my ex since we split, however like yourself went for a run to make myself feel better, ended up running past her flat (we live on the same street) to see her ex was over for the night. Went for a run the following night to see another bloke over! It never gets easy when you have your ex on a pedestal - I am yet to find a way to feel better aside from watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall once a day! haha If you fancy a chat/Vent, unsure if this forum supports private messaging but if it does send me a message. If it helps we can zoom call and rant/rave/unload about ex's to each other and hopefully will cure at least the loneliness bit if nothing else! Chin up
  24. Hi all. I'm in abit of a pickle and think just by tapping out what's gone on will (I hope) make me feel better, especially if I get some brutally honest replies back. As back ground, my now ex and I dated 6 years ago for a few months and due to circumstances outside both our control, stopped dating and became friends who spoke almost every day while friends. In that time, we both ended up with other people but both felt like there was something unfinished between us and referred to each other as the one who got away. I wont pour out every detail of her previous life, however she was known as someone who moved on quickly from relationship to relationship yet when we spoke about it when together, she said she was a teenager/early 20's and had a jaded view on men and relationships which had changed since being with me. Long story short and fast forward 5 years to June 2019, she moved to the same town as me, not only the same time but the street next to mine (so she lives 100m from my flat). From that point, we started dating. In that time we went on multiple holidays abroard, many weekends away and met/spent time with each others children. Issues cropped up on both sides however we worked through them and finally got into a relationship January this year. There have been a few more arguments for the last couple of months but nothing I didn't think was fixable. Saturday just gone she came over for a BBQ with her kids and was talking about our future, making future plans with my daughter and being super affectionate towards me. She spoke about plans for my birthday this month she had lined up, mentioned us living together in future etc. She also acted all excited that my mum was coming around to collect my daughter, thinking she was going to get to meet her for the first time. She went on my phone while I was outside with her daughters and took offence to an innocent message between me and a work colleague who works for me. Me: Is the work thing tomorrow? Make sure you pay close attention to everything they do, I want to know how to get it fixed! Her: Yes it is! I will do don't worry, I'll let you know what happens with it Me: Excellent! You're a good egg! Her: Your favorite egg (angel emoji) Me: Some could say! Her: I'll take that as a yes That was the extent of the message which she had issues with and screenshot to send herself. Her issue being the some could say statement was seen as me encouraging flirting?! I walked her and her kids home, she broke up with me there and then. That very same night within 4 hours of ending things with me, she had her ex boyfriend over for the night. We met sunday to exchange property and she said he slept on the sofa and was there to help with the kids because she was hysterical (because I couldn't sleep that night I went for a walk and ended up walking past her flat, heard the 2 of them laughing which is how I found out he was there). When we met to exchange stuff, she said he would be over the sunday night too, to help with the same childcare as she was so upset. Monday night she had a different bloke over for the night as again, her flat overlooks the playing field I go for a run on. I have since changed my running route to avoid her place as much as possible. This woman up until very recently was calling me her soul mate, the person she wanted to marry, never loved anyone as much as she does me. She said last week she couldn't picture being with anyone else because anyone else would just be a downgrade and that she is already with her perfect man. She was also constantly saying how bad her ex was, he didn't provide for their kids, he turned her friends against her, physically assaulted her (including once since they had broken up and she lived here) etc. I'm so confused by the whole situation and feel like a fool. I'm in a dark place because not only have I lost the woman I wanted to marry, opened up too more than any previous woman and haven't been so happy in a relationship before but I have also lost a best friend of 6 years. I've tried many things to help ease the pain; spoke to friends, family, drawn up lists of bad & good (bad outweighs the good massively), drawn up a list of how much I spent on her in the year we were together (it was extremely 1 sided due to her not working/getting support from her ex). Some of it helps short term but my goodness I miss her & the kids badly! I wont reel off the full list of stuff spent but as a general idea, I paid for both foreign holidays in full (spending money, flights, hotels, food&drink etc), every weekend away paid for everything, spent £100+ a month easily on getting her&her kids a food shop, paid for every meal out we had as well as got the food in for every meal we had in etc. I raised towards the end of our relationship that it could be seen as the reason she is with me to which she went absolutely mad and said she was done with asking for my help as I kept throwing it in her face and making her feel bad for it, she wanted to be less dependant on me moving forward. To which I agreed, pointed out I never had an issue helping her out as I would never see her or her kids go without food..but it didn't last long before she asked for help with a food shop again. There is a lot more I could say but it has already turned into an essay so thankyou for anyone who has read this to the end and thank you to anyone that leaves a reply! But please - the more brutally honest you are hopefully the easier this will be for me and the quicker I will get over this. At the moment I fear that if she sent a message saying it was all a mistake and she wanted us back together I would jump at the chance. I know that's extremely unlikely to happen, she's blocked me on some social media and i've blocked her on the remaining ones. Thanks again for reading. Thanks in advance for any replies, thanks even more for any replies which are brutally honest and ease the pain i'm feeling.
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