Trying for baby leading husband to not want sex

[Seraphim]

Has he ever expressed any reservations or concerns about having a baby? And have you brushed aside his concerns or assured him that it will be fine and there's nothing to worry about?

 

I would ask him sincerely and really LISTEN to what he has to say. Don't interrupt, brush aside or dismiss his concerns. Really listen. Then discuss his concerns calmly.

 

Don't get so caught up in "baby fever" that you forget to hear him.

 

I think this is more than likely it. He is afraid to have a baby but saying that he will maybe just to placate you. My husband did this to me in our late 20s.

[Gary Snyder]

He's off masturbating and does not want sex with her. Marriage therapy works for that. He does not have ED, he is 30 something.. He has lack of interest in sex with her.

 

He said this, which sounds legitimate:

we did talk about it. Long story short, he has felt there has been more of an expectation on him to perform, which got him anxious and over thinking things, which meant he couldn't get it up when we were going to have sex.

[Keyman]

Basing your happiness and self-esteem on someone else is never a good idea, but can be a common trap for women due to the amount of attention they can receive for just existing. This, in turn, can add pressure on a male partner, as they need to keep a high level of interest in you to keep you at a reasonable level of happiness, and for the most part, have to keep our own self esteem high without outside help.

 

I note that this always seems to come up when the husband likes to have the occasional fap. It's his body and his right to do whatever he wants with it, but if he is under pressure to fully service you whenever he feels the need to get a bit of relief, then this can be a reason to pull back.

 

Ironically, after the 10 year mark in a relationship, it's usually the guy complaining he's not getting enough and has to go relieve himself in the bathroom.

[tattoobunnie]

If you are in your 30's, have sex in the morning. Bright and early. Studies show, while women prefer the night (romancey feeling), men prefer the morning (morning wood with testosterone at its peak). They also say they best time for both is 4pm. But trying to make baby, be sure to have sex two days before your ovulation, day of, and two days after. The more fresh seamen, the better your chances.

 

Stop blaming yourself - he may just be tired at night. Start with a BJ in the moring, and don't bring up the baby making. If he turns you down in the mornings, then good chance he's not ready for a baby.

[RoseP]

I don’t agree with this being an issue of him totally losing attraction or your marriage unraveling, but more him losing his mojo in the face of pressure. Pressure to preform, pressure to be a dad, pressure to be “leveling up” in a way that, while exciting, is pretty unnerving. And perhaps the pressure to do something—having a child—that he’s not sure he wants to do. Very common, really, especially in “broody” men who struggle with talking freely and openly about their feelings. I’ve seen it in some of my friends at this stage, particularly those who have had trouble conceiving.

Thank you for that reply, bluecastle. The pressure is definitely the issue with any performance anxiety we has been experiencing.

 

I did get upset earlier after some replies, it got me super paranoid about things. We are both at home today (he is on Christmas break and I'm working from home) so he noticed I was upset. We had a long heart to heart discussion, which sadly had both of us crying because we were upset that we had upset each other. As sad as it was, I'm 100% positive now that it's not that he doesn't love me or doesn't find me attractive, or that there's anyone else. It's like you said, bluecastle, with the "leveling up" pressure and he was worried that he wasn't good enough, like how I was worried I wasn't good enough.

 

Do you feel unattractive because of physical changes? Also are you both sure you want children for the right reasons?

I think this also played a part. We've both put on a bit of weight lately (just eating badly and not exercising) and we've both said how it makes us feel a bit meh about ourselves (but I still find him super attractive, and visa versa, so it's all in our own heads).

 

He definitely wants to start a family (he can't wait to be a dad) and I think if we just enjoy ourselves and let it happen when it happens (not tracking with ovulation kits and such), it'll take off the pressure and allow us to just enjoy ourselves again.

 

Thanks for the feedback everyone. We're in a much better place now after we had a long talk. I think I needed to voice my issues somewhere like here to help get things clear in my head.

 

Thank you again :)

Happy new year everybody!

[RoseP]

If you are in your 30's, have sex in the morning. Bright and early. Studies show, while women prefer the night (romancey feeling), men prefer the morning (morning wood with testosterone at its peak). They also say they best time for both is 4pm. But trying to make baby, be sure to have sex two days before your ovulation, day of, and two days after. The more fresh seamen, the better your chances.

 

Stop blaming yourself - he may just be tired at night. Start with a BJ in the moring, and don't bring up the baby making. If he turns you down in the mornings, then good chance he's not ready for a baby.

Morning time has been some of the best sex we've had in the past. Need to just wake up earlier and have a little fun :)

I also need to get back to oral. I had pains in my hands for a while that effected my grip so it wasn't exactly fun for either of us.. We've something on the way that should help with that :)

 

(Edit: Just to add, when I say 'I need to get back to oral' it's because I enjoy it when he's enjoying himself, not that there's a must or anything)

[abitbroken]

Baby making can be stressful because there is so much pressure.

I suggest you get off all birth control and don't "try" for awhile. Just have fun having sex and get that spark back. It may happen that you get pregnant without timing everything and in a couple of months, get a fertility monitor and learn about your windows. Or even in 6 months.

[Wiseman2]

Ok take the focus off conception for a while. You'll both feel better about yourselves if you get on healthy fitness and nutrition plans. Make an appt with your doctor.

 

Get a baseline of where you are and where you need both for better libidos and more optimal fertility. If you feel unattractive and he's huffing and puffing then sex is not going to be as good.

 

Join some clubs, groups, sports and volunteer. Take some courses and classes. Do something that both gets you in shape and invigorates the doldrums sexually and romantically.

We've both put on a bit of weight lately (just eating badly and not exercising) and we've both said how it makes us feel a bit meh about ourselves

[redswim30]

I don't think your husband wants a baby. Sorry, I'm not buying his excuses to you. If he really wanted one, he'd want to be trying more. What man doesn't LOVE trying and trying and trying?

 

He may be feeling pressured, but I think it's because the reality of the situation is coming out. It's very easy SAY you want kids. But a lot of men can clam up once the reality of it is finally upon them. My ex-husband always said he wanted kids until we thought I might be pregnant, then he changed his tune. Or any time I wanted to serious try, same behavior as my ex.

 

Even if you weren't trying, it's not normal to replace you with porn even with anxiety. You do realize that, I hope?

 

IMVHO, something else is at play here. I don't think he's being fully honest with you. You need to get to marriage therapy and should do so before having a baby with this man.

[Lambert]

I'm going to suggest you go back to basics in the relationship. Put the baby making aside. Go have fun with each other and reconnect as a couple. like Dorothy, on golden girls, said, when asked, how she got pregnant, "black underwear and vodka, like everyone else"

 

I am not so sure it's a lack of attraction... that's a very simple and easy go to reason. But I will say, a baby won't fix a marriage in trouble...

 

I really hate people that ask questions like when you getting married, when you having a baby.... it's like those are the only options in life. Get a canned answer ready... say something like we'll let you know, with a wink. Or no announcements just yet!

 

One of you is going have to do something to help the other. If you feel unattractive and he feels pressured, ugh.... you gotta get your mojo back and help him relax. That's my advice... Maybe start working out and get your own confidence up....

 

It does take two to tango, but since you are the one asking, I'm suggesting you try some things to get him going.... go out one night and uber so you can kick back and have some drinks. Maybe take a little romantic getaway.... or super easy- pizza, a bottle of wine, music he likes on the living room floor. Let your hair done when he doesn't expect it. leave him a sexy note in his work papers.

 

You know what he likes... get him outta his head and outta his pamts. [emoji4]

[Wiseman2]

Agree. There is a breakdown in communication and intimacy and the marriage in general. This is not something you fix with "morning bjs and 4pm sex". This is something you need to get out in the open with the help of a professional.

Even if you weren't trying, it's not normal to replace you with porn even with anxiety. You do realize that, I hope? something else is at play here. I don't think he's being fully honest with you. You need to get to marriage therapy and should do so before having a baby with this man.