LDR cheating help

[pippy longstocking]

Think of it like watching a movie. You might feel sad, angry, love, embarrassment, etc on behalf of the characters. You may get caught up in your favorite tv series and feel like you know them and have the same feelings going on. But you know it’s fictional and your life is your real life, separate

 

It’s like that. She’s got an entire movie going on in her head, and you’re a lead cast member.

 

This is so true , if you ever watch catfish , it maybe a tv show but the point remains the same ....these people getting catfished have a narrative of their choosing going on and some of them have been at this for years .

[Calikid321]

This is so true , if you ever watch catfish , it maybe a tv show but the point remains the same ....these people getting catfished have a narrative of their choosing going on and some of them have been at this for years .

 

I love catfish and I’ve seen the show a ton. This was actually the person in the pic as we FaceTimed and everything it just wasn’t the same personality wise. I feel like maybe it has been going on for awhile and to make sure she never does it again I would love to contact her husband. I have a folder of 387 pics, videos and some messages of things she talked to me about on snap. She probably will do this again and imagine the other person kills themselves because of her and I could’ve prevented it by telling her husband to get rid of her. I know she has access to his Facebook because when I told her I was going to tell him she tried to hide all of his friends and everything meanwhile I had already screenshot all the people who had the same last name as him that are his family I could have them bring it to his attention. It’s sad because I just finally got comfortable telling her my story when I got cheated on by my ex. She knew that I appreciated her so much for what she did but she never knew that she helped me out in a time I almost killed myself twice because this was a major breakup for me and my ex. Then I find out this about her and it actually doesn’t hurt as much as I thought I just think I’m more upset than anything else. I think i might have learned coping mechanisms from when my ex did this so I’m not as much phased by what this person did. Doesn’t mean that there wouldn’t be someone else out there like me who would try to kill themselves if she did this to them. I know she will do it again. I either want her to tell him and prove that she told him or I want to contact his family and let them tell him. She brought this on herself. She knew what she was doing and let it happen for so long.

[boltnrun]

Best thing to do is completely detach yourself from her.

 

Do not continue to communicate with her. At all. Ever again.

[MissCanuck]

Do not contact her husband's family. You do not know these people and it would be a tremendous violation of boundaries.

 

I know you are angry and hurt and want her to feel the pain too. But telling him is unlikely to do anything for you other than provide a fleeting feeling of vindication - and then what? What will do you with your pain after that?

 

Are you currently in therapy? The fact that there have been two suicide attempts in your recent past strongly suggests you could desperately use some compassionate professional care. You have not been dealing well with your breakup if you were also turning to some random woman on the other side of the world as a coping mechanism, which is partly what was happening here. I say that in kindness; you deserve a better life than the the fantasy you wrapped yourself up in.

[Rose Mosse]

Have you ever thought about what would have happened if you never found out (yourself) about her being married and still living with her husband and all the rest? You had to find that out yourself. This person was willing to drag you down without any thought for your current commitments such as caring for your own two year old son. You mentioned you were so close to giving up your own son. Did she know about you having a child or was it always just about her broken abused self and her girls? Yes, she was using you. Yes, she intends to keep using you. She's using you as an ego booster for her sad life in Norway with her supposedly abusive husband. For all you know this man may be innocent and not abusive or hurtful to anyone. She's using him too.

 

You talked yourself up a great deal there also saying that you're one of a kind. I think it's a good idea to keep working on yourself and rebuilding that self-esteem. I'm sorry to say it's not where it should be. You really deserve more for yourself, for your son. I'm afraid for your child. Where would your son have gone if you'd given up custody? Would he have gone to a family relative or your ex-wife if you had almost "given him up"? Why are you transposing yourself seven hours away and not fully present in your time, your location, your life here in the US? I think you are still trying to escape and desperately needing a way to break down all your guilt and memories of the past. Try and be more present here, now, where you are sitting, in your apartment or house. Right here.

[Honeycomb8]

You would have given up your son, your flesh and blood for some random stranger you haven't ever met.

 

 

Take that in for a second. If you really were serious about abandoning your son, I suggest it's really time to get some hard therapy.

[Calikid321]

Have you ever thought about what would have happened if you never found out (yourself) about her being married and still living with her husband and all the rest? You had to find that out yourself. This person was willing to drag you down without any thought for your current commitments such as caring for your own two year old son. You mentioned you were so close to giving up your own son. Did she know about you having a child or was it always just about her broken abused self and her girls? Yes, she was using you. Yes, she intends to keep using you. She's using you as an ego booster for her sad life in Norway with her supposedly abusive husband. For all you know this man may be innocent and not abusive or hurtful to anyone. She's using him too.

 

You talked yourself up a great deal there also saying that you're one of a kind. I think it's a good idea to keep working on yourself and rebuilding that self-esteem. I'm sorry to say it's not where it should be. You really deserve more for yourself, for your son. I'm afraid for your child. Where would your son have gone if you'd given up custody? Would he have gone to a family relative or your ex-wife if you had almost "given him up"? Why are you transposing yourself seven hours away and not fully present in your time, your location, your life here in the US? I think you are still trying to escape and desperately needing a way to break down all your guilt and memories of the past. Try and be more present here, now, where you are sitting, in your apartment or house. Right here.

 

I was going to have his mom take over again. We talk and she knew about what I was thinking about doing. Yea this probably would’ve gone on for a long time who knows. I just don’t want this to ever happen to someone again because she’ll more than likely do it again unless it’s stopped. She did know about my son because I sent her pics in snap of him like she sent pics of her kids to me. That’s the weirdest part to me that made it feel real is the kids. That’s something I think most people in this world wouldn’t do is involve kids if something isn’t serious. I’ll could tell this woman that I won’t tell her anything I was telling her before so there won’t be any ego boosting and see what she does then. I mean that should make her go away.

[Calikid321]

You would have given up your son, your flesh and blood for some random stranger you haven't ever met.

 

 

Take that in for a second. If you really were serious about abandoning your son, I suggest it's really time to get some hard therapy.

 

Giving him to his mom I should’ve clarified that. We talked and she said she would take over for me to go over there and when I came back she would hand back over custody.

[Calikid321]

Do not contact her husband's family. You do not know these people and it would be a tremendous violation of boundaries.

 

I know you are angry and hurt and want her to feel the pain too. But telling him is unlikely to do anything for you other than provide a fleeting feeling of vindication - and then what? What will do you with your pain after that?

 

Are you currently in therapy? The fact that there have been two suicide attempts in your recent past strongly suggests you could desperately use some compassionate professional care. You have not been dealing well with your breakup if you were also turning to some random woman on the other side of the world as a coping mechanism, which is partly what was happening here. I say that in kindness; you deserve a better life than the the fantasy you wrapped yourself up in.

 

With this I don’t feel as badly hurt I feel more upset than hurt. It feels nothing like what happened with my ex and maybe because I’ve already dealt with one of the hardest things in my life that this didn’t really hurt me as much as I thought it would. It definitely upset me more than anything. I haven’t had any suicidal thoughts since my ex and since I got the counseling. She was my first love of 10 years so it was really hard for me.

[Calikid321]

I have a side question. So for the guys who have been the other guy how did you feel when you found out she had a bf/husband? I know a lot of other relationships are actually formed that way. The girl will leave the guy she’s with for the other guy. Did you feel like you were cheated on being the other guy or no because you weren’t husband/bf? I believe strongly in loyalty and I would’ve never talked to this woman if I would’ve know. I still feel like if someone is cheating with you on there SO it still should be looked at as going against your loyalty. Would you feel like you were being cheated on if you were the other guy or no?

[MaybeThen]

You still think that this is real and it isn’t.

 

Look I’m struggling too with my thread. Part of me is convinced it’s fake but the other part isn’t. But I can see you are being toyed with because I’m an outsider; it’s very clear to me, but you can’t see it. Can you see that I’m being toyed with?

[bluecastle]

I have a side question. So for the guys who have been the other guy how did you feel when you found out she had a bf/husband? I know a lot of other relationships are actually formed that way. The girl will leave the guy she’s with for the other guy. Did you feel like you were cheated on being the other guy or no because you weren’t husband/bf? I believe strongly in loyalty and I would’ve never talked to this woman if I would’ve know. I still feel like if someone is cheating with you on there SO it still should be looked at as going against your loyalty. Would you feel like you were being cheated on if you were the other guy or no?

 

This isn't really a side question, but a sideways approach to remaining directly connected to the very thing you know you need to disconnect from. You said it yourself: had you know the full picture, you'd never have talked to this woman. Now you know the full picture. The math there is simple. It is an equation that requires processing some pain and discomfort—and, if you need some assistance in that, that's what counseling is for—but it's arithmetic you know. You just did it yourself, no need to bring pixilated straw people into it to cloud the chalkboard.

[Calikid321]

This isn't really a side question, but a sideways approach to remaining directly connected to the very thing you know you need to disconnect from. You said it yourself: had you know the full picture, you'd never have talked to this woman. Now you know the full picture. The math there is simple. It is an equation that requires processing some pain and discomfort—and, if you need some assistance in that, that's what counseling is for—but it's arithmetic you know. You just did it yourself, no need to bring pixilated straw people into it to cloud the chalkboard.

 

I don’t mean it as a question for me to keep talking with her I know for sure I don’t want to have that communication anymore I’m just really wondering what the side person feels like when they find out about the main person. I’m assuming must guys are fine with it because most of us just care about the sexual stuff, and only having to talk to them on there feee time and if they’re doing that they don’t care that they’re the other person. That’s how some of my guys friends have talked about it but I’m not that person and I invest my feelings into things as well.

[RayRay63]

Giving him to his mom I should’ve clarified that. We talked and she said she would take over for me to go over there and when I came back she would hand back over custody.

 

Are you sure about that? I wouldn't wager my sheep station on it.

 

Anyway, do not go over there.

[RayRay63]

I have a side question. So for the guys who have been the other guy how did you feel when you found out she had a bf/husband? I know a lot of other relationships are actually formed that way. The girl will leave the guy she’s with for the other guy.

 

As long as you don't mind her doing it to you down the track - because that is what the monkey-branchers do - no problem.

 

Personally I'd tell her that I wasn't interested unless she got rid of the previous guy first.

[Calikid321]

As long as you don't mind her doing it to you down the track - because that is what the monkey-branchers do - no problem.

 

Personally I'd tell her that I wasn't interested unless she got rid of the previous guy first.

 

Yes this exactly I’ve told her so many times I don’t wanna talk to her unless he’s gone not even as friends because even when she was my friend she was still very flirty with me and sexual so I don’t think she can handle being friends. I have no intention on going over there especially now. I asked her what would’ve happened when March came and we were supposed to meet up and all she’s says is she doesn’t know. Complete waste of my time.

[RayRay63]

Complete waste of my time.

 

Imagine turning up, contacting her, and being told to stay away because she was with the husband. Or possibly someone else.

 

Whenever anyone asks - "should I travel to another continent and surprise my LDR ex who dumped me" ....

 

[ATTACH=CONFIG]11614[/ATTACH]

[Calikid321]

Imagine turning up, contacting her, and being told to stay away because she was with the husband. Or possibly someone else.

 

Whenever anyone asks - "should I travel to another continent and surprise my LDR ex who dumped me" ....

 

[ATTACH=CONFIG]11614[/ATTACH]

 

Exactly I don’t know what her plan was so I guess it’s a good thing I figured this out before March. She was more adamant about coming down here which makes sense. I was saying I would go there first so her kids could be comfortable in there environment. But yes I get why she would want to come here first now.

[MissCanuck]

Giving him to his mom I should’ve clarified that. We talked and she said she would take over for me to go over there and when I came back she would hand back over custody.

 

What a dreadful thing to do to a child.

 

You're not going to like this, but you need to hear it: you need to remove your head from your backside and give it a good shake. Your ill-conceived plan to bounce your kid around to suit your needs is selfish. Do you really believe your own child is something you can simply hand over and then take back when you want? Did you not think of how that might affect him and make him feel? Dad uproots his whole life so he can run off to another continent for an online woman, and expects to waltz in and take him back, with evidently very thought of how his absence and re-entry would make the child feel. (You are also very naive if you believe the court system would not weigh that sort of behavior heavily against you and just grant you custody again because you happen to be back in the country)

 

You claim you are all about loyalty, but that is simply not true. You demonstrate no loyalty to your own son. I am frankly astonished that you lack any insight into this, and put your own needs and wants that far ahead of your little boy. If I were dating a man who even dreamed up this plan, I would know immediately he is not the man for me. I expect a father to behave with a lot more responsibility, compassion and respect to his own child. For this woman, it was no big deal because she is a mess herself and this was never a real prospect for her anyway.

 

Please, do seek therapy. The very fact that you even for a moment considered offloading your son for this make-believe relationship is extremely concerning, and says that your priorities are totally skewed and your judgment very poor. Your son deserves a dad who views him with a lot more importance than you currently do and wouldn't dream of bouncing in and out of his life the way you were imagining. An experienced professional can help you get your head back on straight and not continue making choices that would ultimately be very destructive to yourself and your own family.

 

Man up and be that dad.

[MaybeThen]

Exactly I don’t know what her plan was so I guess it’s a good thing I figured this out before March. She was more adamant about coming down here which makes sense. I was saying I would go there first so her kids could be comfortable in there environment. But yes I get why she would want to come here first now.

 

... she wouldn’t have shown up.

[Wiseman2]

Blocking and deleting her, her personas and all her people from all your messaging and video apps, all your social media and all your devices would accomplish that without you acting like a spurned lover and plotting revenge.

 

Keep in mind you willingly engaged in wasting time on this video phantom, you're not a victim. Why waste even more time on this when you could focus on being a more involved dad and more independent from your child's mother? It seems your child and his mother are the victims of your video escapades, not you.

that should make her go away.

[Gary Snyder]

If you have never met the person, it's just fantasy.

[Rose Mosse]

Be a good father to your child and don't let this happen again. I think you're still in transition after healing from the break up with your ex. You're not thinking straight. This experience has taught you a lot about yourself and perhaps what you should be looking for in a long term partner. You may be working on yourself in therapy but you might not have gotten to the point where you're working on or learning to develop what types of partners (or what type of partner) works best for you. You seem vulnerable to me and almost childlike in a very dangerous form. You're not a single man anymore without responsibilities and you have a child to look out for and be present for. I'd challenge you to look at the relationship you have with your son and if it's painful looking or thinking about it, it means you're doing work (real work with yourself). If your son reminds you of his mother and all the terrible things that happened in that relationship, it's time to face that and start to re-write those memories.

 

This other person seven hours away doesn't even accept your relationship with your ex. Her level of healing and her journey is not on par with yours. You've already seen that in her frustrations and anger towards you speaking about your ex. Her life is an amusement park of hijinks and distractions, fear-based emotions and manipulative tactics and yours is more grounded. You're one step ahead of her but not by much. You already have established relationships with your ex and your son. If you feel the need to heal others or help others, help yourself first. This situation should be a wake up call for you and an indicator that you're not ready to help anyone else but yourself. You still need time to review your current relationships and the way you view your relationships with your ex and son. What she does in her own time is her own business. Who else she pulls down with her is her business. You are not the chief of police of bad wives. This is not your job. Your job is to be that father to your child and start making better decisions about the company in your life.

 

Bringing a new person into your life doesn't mean that you should be letting go of your children. This is not the way to go about moving forward. If you're at a loss or feeling confused, that's perfectly fine but please speak to your therapist about these feelings of confusion, any conflicting emotions and residual misgivings that you may be sweeping under the rug.

[EternalOptimis]

Why can’t she just let me go?

 

That's a gift only you can give yourself