Lauralatifa Posted December 5, 2019 Author Share Posted December 5, 2019 You're missing my point. The question to ask is not why she is manipulate but why are you so eager to be manipulated. You are the one who wants to view it like that, after all, since there are a lot of other labels for what you're describing. Sample subs: immature, unstable, boring, basic, not interesting, not what you want. If you want to deem it interesting—well, that's kind of a choice at a certain point. And it's a choice your making. You seem adamant to say you're not broken, but let's look at some facts. You know someone is awful for you, yet you think "seeing" her is the way to "forget" her. You ostensibly want what all humans want—a loving connection—and yet you're spending all your emotional currency on a connection that barely exists and is not loving. What's up with that? I'd say those are a few tiny broken pieces inside of you getting the best of you. We've all got them. Key is to see them, and repair them, so you're not prone handing the reins of your spirit to wild horses in hopes they'll soften the edges of those broken pieces. You are really really smart... yes, im the one interested in being manipulated.... well, i hope i can heal and never feel this way again... Link to comment
Lauralatifa Posted December 5, 2019 Author Share Posted December 5, 2019 Ok you still have not addressed my question directly. I am now convinced that you have never met this woman. She just used you for attention whilst stringing you along in a make-believe relationship, and broke up with you whenever you tried to meet her. She even used leukemia as an excuse to justify her behaviour whilst keeping you on the hook, without giving anything in return. The fact that you do not want to admit that you never met her actually indicates to me that you know it means everything you hold dear about this relationship is a fantasy. But the reality is too painful, so you do not want it spelt out. I feel ashamed for being so attatched. Link to comment
Lauralatifa Posted December 5, 2019 Author Share Posted December 5, 2019 Guys, do you have a degree in psychology? Because you see way beyond 🤦🏻♀️ Link to comment
bluecastle Posted December 5, 2019 Share Posted December 5, 2019 You are really really smart... yes, im the one interested in being manipulated.... well, i hope i can heal and never feel this way again... This is passive. Get active. You don't heal a wound or illness by "hoping" it will heal. You treat it, and if you can't find the source, you search for it. Think of a cough that won't go away. You go to a doctor, run some tests, so you can figure out what's what. Boom: that painful, mysterious thing turned out to be bronchitis, easily treatable. This really isn't so different, but you've got to see it as something to address rather than to surrender to while getting high on the drama and shame and conditioning yourself to call that high love. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted December 5, 2019 Share Posted December 5, 2019 What does your therapist say about your continued desire to attach yourself to this manipulative woman? And now I'm curious too...has this been a strictly online relationship? Link to comment
bluecastle Posted December 5, 2019 Share Posted December 5, 2019 And now I'm curious too...has this been a strictly online relationship? Ditto. No shame if that’s the case. But better to own your truth, even on the internet, than using the internet to dodge it. Link to comment
MirrorKnight Posted December 5, 2019 Share Posted December 5, 2019 Ok you still have not addressed my question directly. I am now convinced that you have never met this woman. She just used you for attention whilst stringing you along in a make-believe relationship, and broke up with you whenever you tried to meet her. She even used leukemia as an excuse to justify her behaviour whilst keeping you on the hook, without giving anything in return. The fact that you do not want to admit that you never met her actually indicates to me that you know it means everything you hold dear about this relationship is a fantasy. But the reality is too painful, so you do not want it spelt out. The fact that the OP did not refute the above and just answered it with "I feel ashamed for being so attatched." looks to me to be a clear admission that I am not wrong, and an explanation for why he has been unwilling to face the facts. Link to comment
MirrorKnight Posted December 5, 2019 Share Posted December 5, 2019 I feel ashamed for being so attatched. There is no shame. Accepting that you have a problem is the first step to solving it. You might not like to be labelled "broken", but something is clearly wrong if you can fall in love and become so attached to somebody who, for all you know, could be an attention-seeking kid, fat old man, or cruel internet troll. Guys, do you have a degree in psychology? Because you see way beyond 🤦🏻♀️ No, I'm afraid it is not so much that everyone here is especially wise or psychology experts. Rather it is because your own perception and radar is totally off, so you do not understand what normal relationship behaviours should be like, and miss clear and obvious red flags that we can spot from the snippets of the relationship that you shared with us. In the minute or so it took me to scan your old threads (just the original posts), I noticed that your posts were short and vague, which suggested that you were hiding something. Something that you were probably embarrassed about. That's why I suspected that the leukemia was a lie right away, as well as the fact that you probably never even met her. The fact that you tried to hide those facts, perhaps subconsciously, actually suggests you do have a functional radar in a sense, because something is telling you that something is off. You were just trying to bury your head in the sand because the reality was too painful. Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted December 5, 2019 Share Posted December 5, 2019 OP, this isn't really even about her anymore. It's about you, and your desire to be loved by someone - anyone - and your refusal to let go of that fantasy. I think you're refusing to let go because then you will be forced to admit to yourself that it was never real. It wasn't a relationship in any tangible sense of the word and that is difficult for you to come to terms with. Explore this with your therapist. Until you get to the bottom of why the bar for yourself is so low, you will more than likely continue to attach yourself to fantasies that you believe are somehow "safer" than pursuing real relationships with women offline. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted December 5, 2019 Share Posted December 5, 2019 Very possible that she is afraid of you. You need to leave her alone, before she gets a restraining order slapped on you. She blocked you. It means stay away. Yes you are being disrespectful by simply bulldozing your way and not respecting boundaries. she blocked me on everything and now she is saying she wont meet me there. could it be she is affraid of meeting me? Link to comment
Hollyj Posted December 5, 2019 Share Posted December 5, 2019 Do you get a thrill from the drama? You said that she broke up with you every week? This is disbursing that you repeatedly went back! Link to comment
maew Posted December 5, 2019 Share Posted December 5, 2019 I agree. I had tão relationship, both of them had this dynamic... i know i got issues... when i accept being treated like that, im telling to myself im worthless... the thing is,.. i have difficult seeing the dark side of people, because when we are okay, she is great. So there is a piece of my that keeps hoping things will get better. And another piece that tells me my ex werent monsters and probably i did something that triggerd bad parts of them and so they treated like that. If you looked up codependency on the internet, or went to a CoDa meeting, what you wrote above is the definition you would see. http://coda.org/index.cfm/newcomers/patterns-and-characteristics-of-codependence/ Interesting what blue said about heroin addiction...because codependency a form of addiction. Maybe that's why you struggle to let go or to be in a relationship with healthy boundaries. Food for thought. Link to comment
Gary Snyder Posted December 5, 2019 Share Posted December 5, 2019 The only closure is time - and that healing time does not start until you cut contact. Until then, you live a life of quiet desperation and pain. Finding other local women to date will help also. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted December 5, 2019 Share Posted December 5, 2019 i know i got issues... when i accept being treated like that, Well, the question you have to answer for YOURSELF (not for us to do that for you) is "what am I going to do about it?" Coming here but doing nothing tangible to help you feel that you truly deserve more then what you allow for yourself is the epitome of what Einstein called insanity ~ "Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." So: Tell us what you're going to do about the "issues" you say you know you've got, luv. Link to comment
Lauralatifa Posted December 5, 2019 Author Share Posted December 5, 2019 There is no shame. Accepting that you have a problem is the first step to solving it. You might not like to be labelled "broken", but something is clearly wrong if you can fall in love and become so attached to somebody who, for all you know, could be an attention-seeking kid, fat old man, or cruel internet troll. No, I'm afraid it is not so much that everyone here is especially wise or psychology experts. Rather it is because your own perception and radar is totally off, so you do not understand what normal relationship behaviours should be like, and miss clear and obvious red flags that we can spot from the snippets of the relationship that you shared with us. In the minute or so it took me to scan your old threads (just the original posts), I noticed that your posts were short and vague, which suggested that you were hiding something. Something that you were probably embarrassed about. That's why I suspected that the leukemia was a lie right away, as well as the fact that you probably never even met her. The fact that you tried to hide those facts, perhaps subconsciously, actually suggests you do have a functional radar in a sense, because something is telling you that something is off. You were just trying to bury your head in the sand because the reality was too painful. Not exactly hiding, my first language is portuguese and im not fluent in english haha... thats why i choose my words... Link to comment
Lauralatifa Posted December 5, 2019 Author Share Posted December 5, 2019 Very possible that she is afraid of you. You need to leave her alone, before she gets a restraining order slapped on you. She blocked you. It means stay away. Yes you are being disrespectful by simply bulldozing your way and not respecting boundaries. No. She always blocks me. Weekly. Whenever there is an argument... and then comes back apologizing... Link to comment
Lauralatifa Posted December 5, 2019 Author Share Posted December 5, 2019 If you looked up codependency on the internet, or went to a CoDa meeting, what you wrote above is the definition you would see. http://coda.org/index.cfm/newcomers/patterns-and-characteristics-of-codependence/ Interesting what blue said about heroin addiction...because codependency a form of addiction. Maybe that's why you struggle to let go or to be in a relationship with healthy boundaries. Food for thought. I will take a look on that! Thank you. Link to comment
Lauralatifa Posted December 6, 2019 Author Share Posted December 6, 2019 Well, the question you have to answer for YOURSELF (not for us to do that for you) is "what am I going to do about it?" Coming here but doing nothing tangible to help you feel that you truly deserve more then what you allow for yourself is the epitome of what Einstein called insanity ~ "Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." So: Tell us what you're going to do about the "issues" you say you know you've got, luv. Honey, I do things to heal. I am currently on therapy and antidepressants. Believe it or not, im also graduated in psychology. But this has been an extremely difficult year for me. And, i did survive. In January i had to send my mother to rehab, cause she was using cocaine. April, a friends sister commited suicide (she always had issues, but no one could predict that would happen...). In july, I went thru a surgery for removing a teratoma (benign tumor) and lost a ovary. November, my mother was driving under influence of sleeping pills and was in a car accident. Plus, my mother was always very judgmental.... and i was in the last semester of my graduation and workibg in a institution for mentally ill children. Only in november i lost 10 kilos because of the stress. Link to comment
Lauralatifa Posted December 6, 2019 Author Share Posted December 6, 2019 But... i do have to move on... and learn to never again accept this kind of treatment. Because as time passes by, you get weaker. I do have one request. Can anyone give me insights about how to stop distracting myself wondering if she will come back and focus on moving on? Link to comment
bluecastle Posted December 6, 2019 Share Posted December 6, 2019 I do have one request. Can anyone give me insights about how to stop distracting myself wondering if she will come back and focus on moving on? What do you do to make you happy, to reaffirm your you-ness to yourself? Me? When my brain is overheating, or fixating on something I know doesn't serve me, I'll generally get to a yoga class, or take my motorcycle out, or hit the waves with my surf board. These are things I know, and have known for some time, can bring me back to myself pretty quickly. They're also just things that bring tremendous joy, and I've found it hard to pout about anything for too long when I'm feeling joy. It's like taking a shower. When the water is too hot, you add some cold; too cold, you add some heat. Balance. Right now you are out of balance, and your brain is responding by putting every weight on the scale that is her. Disperse the weights, you know? Link to comment
Lauralatifa Posted December 6, 2019 Author Share Posted December 6, 2019 What do you do to make you happy, to reaffirm your you-ness to yourself? Me? When my brain is overheating, or fixating on something I know doesn't serve me, I'll generally get to a yoga class, or take my motorcycle out, or hit the waves with my surf board. These are things I know, and have known for some time, can bring me back to myself pretty quickly. They're also just things that bring tremendous joy, and I've found it hard to pout about anything for too long when I'm feeling joy. It's like taking a shower. When the water is too hot, you add some cold; too cold, you add some heat. Balance. Right now you are out of balance, and your brain is responding by putting every weight on the scale that is her. Disperse the weights, you know? Yes, got it. I like meeting new people, dancing, going to the beach, reading books, baths also haha. Well, ill do things that make me happy. I only have one concern. In 2017 my relationship of 5 years ended. In the first 3 months i was okay, cause i was focusing on studying. I was mad with my ex, but i was living. Then... when vacation came... i had a slip and got depressed for 2 months until i finally moved on... thats my only concern. To not feel the things i need to feel now and they end up growing inside of me. Oh, a little update. Last month i went out with my ex and we ended up having sex... during sex she told me she is mine, and missed me. I didnt fall for that, specially because i have no interest of getting back together. But could it né she was telling the truth? Or was it that kind of thing you say during sex? Link to comment
DancingFool Posted December 6, 2019 Share Posted December 6, 2019 So what does your therapist or psychiatrist tell you to do when you get caught up in obsessive thought/behavior patterns? Link to comment
Lauralatifa Posted December 6, 2019 Author Share Posted December 6, 2019 So what does your therapist or psychiatrist tell you to do when you get caught up in obsessive thought/behavior patterns? Many things, but i dont feel the need to share on the internet. :) Link to comment
Lauralatifa Posted December 6, 2019 Author Share Posted December 6, 2019 Many things, but i dont feel the need to share on the internet. :) But she always advises to learn to calm myself, nourish myself Link to comment
DancingFool Posted December 6, 2019 Share Posted December 6, 2019 So why don't you follow the professional advice instead of indulging in obsessive thinking? Link to comment
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