Can you become asexual through bad experiences?

[Seraphim]

Therapy is self care.

[reinventmyself]

This all sounds dreamy!

 

Yes, I’m really feeling for some men online dating is like sitting at a sushi restaurant and seeing all the little plates come round - oh I’ll try a bit of that one for a few months, then another one for a few. I’m sure some have a great time “sampling” different dishes! For those of us who want love and romance it’s not so easy.

 

I also do wonder if I get confused and attracted by this sexual chemistry of a “bad”

guy as even reading your words about holding hands, getting close spiritually - I want that but I think I’d almost be a bit suspicious at first as I need to build up trust. I can’t imagine finding someone I want this with and it being reciprocated.

but in the meantime don't have sex with them.

[SherrySher]

Therapy is self care.

 

Very much so.

 

Not all therapists or counsellors are the same either. Some are better than others. Shop around until you find the right fit and someone who can sincerely help your work through your issues.

 

Do it to become a better version of yourself. Once you are a more healthier version, you will attract healthier men and won't settle for less.

[reinventmyself]

 

 

I think most men know this anyway but they hope that women will have sex

before the conversation so that they can have the sex and THEN decide what they want after a few months of “fun” - they don’t like having to commit first.

 

Then you stop having sex with them until they prove otherwise.

 

You also gave the analogy of men having all choices in revolving sushi bars.

 

You need to know that many men feel the same way you do. You can read it all over this board. That woman have all the choices and all the power.

 

If you view yourself in a one down position you are bound to act on that premise. You are bound to give off that vibe. So if you are coming from a one down position you'll end up on the short end. You need to change the way you view this. That comes from a place of better self esteem.

 

Reread what you wrote. It comes from a victim's view point.

 

Men don't hold the power. You just need to think a little more highly of yourself and believe you deserve better.

[reinventmyself]

Click) and when I said this he acted like it was strange and made a joke of “I feel to sleep with you I’d have to practically get down on one knee!”

 

He's a clown. Ignore him.

That's just rude.

[Batya33]

I think most men know this anyway but they hope that women will have sex

before the conversation so that they can have the sex and THEN decide what they want after a few months of “fun” - they don’t like having to commit first. But I’m so done/burned with it all that I just don’t want to accept anything less. Maybe my anger can be a tool

 

 

Not in my experience -most of the men I met and dated treated me with respect and wanted to have sex when I was ready/comfortable. Most asked me to be exclusive within the first 6 weeks, months before we had sex. I really can't stand when generalizations like that about men only wanting sex are thrown around. It's just not true. And I'm raising a son, he's a kind, thoughtful, respectful person 99.9% of the time (especially when he's not with his parents LOL) and I fully expect he will continue when he gets older to be just that way. He's been that way since he was 2 or 3 I noticed.

[bluecastle]

Agree with the general assessment of: no, not asexual.

 

I kind of see something happening here where your spiritual and emotional scales are readjusting, as they do in this wild business of being alive. I think this is a positive moment. Were I to get analytical, from what you offered, I'd spin that positivity like this:

 

When you were young you got a pretty high dose of validation through sex. You were into it, doing it, and so on, when others were still dipping toes into the waters—thinking about it in the abstract more than doing it in 3D. That's not judgment, rest assured, as I have a similar precociousness and validation-loop on that front. Anyhow, so there you were, kind of just bouncing along, going with it all—kinda fun here, kinda not there, but all in all kinda whatevs—and at at 21 you bounce right into love. Boom. But then, alas, bust: broken heart, real wounds, the things that leave marks on us. They change our scales without us knowing it.

 

You lick those wounds, as people do, but when you are "ready" to get back out there you try to recreate that original path that led to love. Except you are an adult now, with an emotional equilibrium that is different—more nuanced, more tender, a more sensitive scale changed by the experience of living. So you've been (these past 5 years) applying a kind of adolescent/young adult approach to romance that doesn't serve the authentic new state your emotional equilibrium has been in for quite some time—trying to "reset" the scales rather than "readjust," if that makes sense

 

And it's confusing! Because look around: "everyone" else is swiping right, taking their pants off on the third date, and kind of sounding into all that nebulous swordplay when they talk it out at brunch. Maybe some are. Maybe some are lying to themselves. Regardless, a lot of those people probably had a less precocious youth, so there's still a touch of novelty to the juvenilia of it all, even at 30something, at least for the ones that are being honest about the awesome night they had with the guy or girl who ghosted a week later. Meanwhile, for you it's just, well, old. Hard to get turned on by an old sweater. You just get itchy, and numb, and soon you're Googling "asexual" and wondering if you're looking in the mirror.

 

The old way, in other words, has gotten old. Which means it's time for a new way—a way, it seems, this thread has started to steer toward pretty beautifully. Do I think 5 sessions with a therapist would be something you'd find incredible, clarifying, and empowering? I do, because I can't help but detect some shame here and there about various chapters you have zero—and I mean zero—reason to feel shame about. Shame sucks. It's like a comfort blanket that just weighs us down in all the wrong ways, reinforcing bad habits and bad coping mechanisms.

 

But if that's not your thing—well, it still means finding a new approach, one that replaces the old habits with new ones. I'm a dude, for what it's worth, and when I was dating all I looked for were women who were open about wanting a relationship. No, it didn't mean every experience was a dreamy cakewalk—life is life, people don't always mean what they say—but knowing that was my only intention made the dings less painful and the propensity to self-shame and self-diagnosis less acute.

[Realitynut]

Batya...you are quite a bit older than this woman...and really, things have changed. I hadn't heard of the 3 date rule...until about 10 years ago. If a woman isn't interested in having sex with you by 3 dates....you're gone! They aren't interested. huh? My sister's husband said his kids say this. (he's closer to my age...64 or so) and he told me that when he started dating my sister he felt the same way!!! She made me think she waited...but he said oh no....3 dates. I didn't want to ask her and let her know we were talking about her sex life. But then I heard it on here too. The 3 date rule.

 

Ugh. I'm so old I feel like the OP. I hate the thought of trying to date again. I feel like a shriveled up prune. But yet the last relationship I was in...I LOVED kissing and sex. But he didn't want a relationship. So I'm back on the dating site. Wrote to 2 guys this week. No reply. I have met like 70 over the course of 10 years....and nada. I feel for you OP cuz your biological time clock is ticking. I feel for myself...cuz My LIFE LINE is ticking. Turning 65 sucks. And finding anyone attractive? Much less attracted too? HA.

 

You're not asexual. I feel like it just dies down there. Until something comes along to reawaken it. I've never had an orgasm with a man either. Why? Who knows...but I can by myself if I ever have the urge to try. But I don't...lol But to kiss an old man....that you barely know....just sounds so unappetizing.

 

Just want you to know...you're not alone. Hopefully there's a good guy out there just around the corner waiting for you. is there any way to meet a guy besides a stupid dating site? Like meetup. (Mine are basically all women) My sister met her husband on eHarmony. (the 3 date guy) And my twin bro met his 3rd wife on POF. He was 60 and she was 33. She had 2 little kids and wanted a man with money. He admitted he wanted a woman who still wanted SEX! Truth. Oh well.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds more like burn-out.

I’m 34 in January so have to be realistic sadly that I’m not getting any younger if I want a baby. I just want to sit in on my own watching TV though.

[Batya33]

Batya...you are quite a bit older than this woman...and really, things have changed. I hadn't heard of the 3 date rule...until about 10 years ago. If a woman isn't interested in having sex with you by 3 dates....you're gone! They aren't interested. huh? My sister's husband said his kids say this. (he's closer to my age...64 or so) and he told me that when he started dating my sister he felt the same way!!! She made me think she waited...but he said oh no....3 dates. I didn't want to ask her and let her know we were talking about her sex life. But then I heard it on here too. The 3 date rule.

 

Ugh. I'm so old I feel like the OP. I hate the thought of trying to date again. I feel like a shriveled up prune. But yet the last relationship I was in...I LOVED kissing and sex. But he didn't want a relationship. So I'm back on the dating site. Wrote to 2 guys this week. No reply. I have met like 70 over the course of 10 years....and nada. I feel for you OP cuz your biological time clock is ticking. I feel for myself...cuz My LIFE LINE is ticking. Turning 65 sucks. And finding anyone attractive? Much less attracted too? HA.

 

You're not asexual. I feel like it just dies down there. Until something comes along to reawaken it. I've never had an orgasm with a man either. Why? Who knows...but I can by myself if I ever have the urge to try. But I don't...lol But to kiss an old man....that you barely know....just sounds so unappetizing.

 

Just want you to know...you're not alone. Hopefully there's a good guy out there just around the corner waiting for you. is there any way to meet a guy besides a stupid dating site? Like meetup. (Mine are basically all women) My sister met her husband on eHarmony. (the 3 date guy) And my twin bro met his 3rd wife on POF. He was 60 and she was 33. She had 2 little kids and wanted a man with money. He admitted he wanted a woman who still wanted SEX! Truth. Oh well.

 

We can agree to disagree. I knew all about that three date rule many many years ago including in the late 1980s when I was in my early 20s and planning to wait till marriage.

 

I don't think things have changed at all and I am in touch with many who are dating right now and have been in the last 10 years plus. I stopped dating in 2005. The first time I encountered the "three date rule" was around 1989 and there was an experience just like that in 2001 and several in between -but those two stick out (both those guys are married lol, one not such a good guy, turned out).

 

Met many men who stood by it, wanted sex right away for just the reasons you said -and I was very lucky not to get negative about "men" for more than a few hours at a time because of how I navigated the dating world, my values, my standards, my goals and developed a thick skin. It was mostly about self-honesty and what my goals were and being willing to walk away and be "alone" (but not lonely) if a man wanted sex early on or if we otherwise didn't have compatible goals.

I dated hundreds of men and for the most part -yes, even though I was assaulted a few times - I was treated with respect and like a lady and not only in dating situations. I had a number of friends from the 1980s-now who had many partners and a lot of casual sex and one night stands -for some it worked out great. For others it made them choose to be cynical and negative about men, partly because they weren't being honest with themselves. Sounds like you and I had very different experiences and have different viewpoints about whether things have changed - I liked reading about your perspective!

[Reflective82]

Responding to Batya and Reality Nut in one as their messages crossed. Yes, Reality Nut is right and it has changed. I do hear and see myself of online dating making men’s behaviour worse. I’ve noticed a change from when I was younger and dating.

 

Regardless, my issue isn’t the “no sex in 3 dates and you are gone” guys Reality Nut describes. I can spot and deal with those. And I no way will do that. I don’t want a lot of notches.

 

My issue and what’s partly made me so burnt out and dead emotionally (as well as the other stuff) is there are guys who ask to “be exclusive” as Batya describes but what my friends and I have all discovered is that often this doesn’t really mean anything. I dated a guy last Christmas who did all this, we were exclusive and it was the first guy in ages I thought it could be a possibility with. But exclusive often just means “you’re good for now”. These exclusive things often only tend to last 6 weeks - 3 months and often the guy just won’t invest emotionally so after this he moves on and isn’t hurt whilst you are.

 

I’m no longer prepared to be “exclusive “

- it’s a relationship and deleting the apps before I agree to sex now. As lots of guys throw the exclusive title on just to lock you down for a bit. Maybe I’m being too cynical and it isn’t that they are doing this knowing it won’t work, but sometimes it can feel like this and they did know but they just faked it for a bit. The guy last Christmas it certainly felt this way with - the sexual chemistry was good, I felt we got on etc but I sensed something and when I really pushed on why it hadn’t progressed from exclusive to a relationship he finally admitted “something was holding him back” and he felt “he was being unfair.” I feel he knew the whole time that he wanted me for a bit but not forever and had I not had the experience to push him it would have been a 3-4 month thing so many women have and think it’s going somewhere. Luckily I got out in 8 weeks.

 

I am also aware as Batya says that not all men are like this. Sadly it’s always the ones we don’t want who aren’t this way! Probably a lesson in that too - us girls being too fussy. But I do feel this behaviour from guys is just the worst I’ve experienced and I do think it’s online.

 

Re writing to guys RealityNut - again my friends and mines experience (I only keep bringing up my friends to show it’s not just me) is that if a guy is interested they will write first. We have all tried writing to guys first and it never seems to work out. So I would say let the guys come to you as then you know they have made the effort and first move. It definitely is hard on the confidence. It’s mostly the men you don’t want who want you too isn’t it. I’ve had the new lips, the new teeth, I feel as I’m 33 I have to keep up looking good to attract men who are my age can go for women in their 20’s. Then you start questioning, am I aiming too high? Maybe I thihk the guys I can get, are too good for me? You start doubting yourself.

 

I’m comforted that everyone says I’m not asexual so thank you - but definitely a changed and more exhausted, less confident person :( I just wonder if it’s ever going to happen, not looking forward to turning 34 in Jan and being single. I guess I’ll have to think of settling if it continues and I do want a baby

[Reflective82]

Bluecastle - WOW I feel you have read my soul! What an insightful response. I did go through it all before and early, so now I feel I’m SO done and jaded.

 

Maybe I will look into some therapy. I have a feeling once I got going, 5 wouldn’t be anywhere near enough :(

[Reflective82]

Yes. Rude and entitled. The irony is he’s definitely a guy who most would consider “nice”, the type your parents would love. This attitude amongst guys is really prevalent - I’ve seen it so much

[reinventmyself]

just a side note. .

While on line dating I usually sussed out those who had been doing it for a while. They can have all the reasons in the book, but if they had been online with `no luck,`not having met the one, I might not be inclined to meet them.

 

Having done it off and on for a few years, I can probably log on right this minute and find men that are still on there from 10 years ago. I refer to them as squatters.

 

My best experiences were meeting men that were new to online dating.

Hence my bf of over 2 years.

[Reflective82]

Definitely!! Jesus, 10 years? Mind you, 26-33 is 7. Maybe I have become one of those people, thats why I’ve made this post. I am too fussy and just never seem to like anyone.

 

The guy last Christmas I had seen years back actually before we met and I can still see him on there now. He’s 37. Good catch, doesn’t struggle I’m sure.

 

Part of me feels well look at me I’ve been on there for years. But everywhere I look there’s tons of great girls so I feel there’s less excuse for men to be on there for ages (I know I will get some disagreements).

 

Probably you get to a point where you are so jaded (like me) you just don’t like anyone and so stay on there for years. Maybe I’m a “squatter” :(

[Batya33]

So I don't think online dating does anything to anyone just like singles bars and clubs that I went to pre-internet dating did anything to anyone and how a strip club won't make an honest person betray his or her partner. If you are a person with values and standards you won't change those because online sites make it easier to chat with a lot more people than if you went to a singles bar. Of course at first it felt like a candy store but for people like me -men and women like me -who were online to find a serious long term relationship and/or marriage the sites were simply a way to make first contact with a person I might meet in person and potentially date. It was just another way. For people who were prone to casual arrangements then online sites served a different purpose. But it's not the sites -the people have the choices, the people have control.

 

If you want a baby and you have a boy do you think you can put your negative assumptions about men and what they want and how they act/react to the side - just consider that.

 

I don't think you're being too fussy, I don't think I was too fussy. I think I had to become the right person to find the right person. Sometimes I was attracted to unavailable guys/"bad boys' and sometimes I stayed too long in relationships that weren't right for me because I felt like I was getting older and wanted marriage/family. I'm so glad I chose not to settle and to become the right person to find the right person. Yes it took a long time, yes I kissed a lot of frogs. No I didn't feel as you do about men - or at least the majority of men according to you. And when a guy and I were exclusive it had nothing to do with sex except in one relationship I was in, and that was a mistake on my part. We were exclusive because we wanted to see if we were right for each other, to focus just on each other. If we then had sex months later (typically, with two exceptions -and in each case we waited over 2 months) - it was because we wanted to enhance our commitment, our relationship and because we were in love (other than the one exception where he was never in love with me).

 

My sense is you're not screening out the men who aren't right for you who you first contact online and/or typing and talking too long before meeting and getting unrealistic expectations of who they are and who they are not.

 

I also met men in various other ways. My husband did have an online profile for awhile but that's not how we met and not how we reconnected.

[Reflective82]

How would you advise I better screen? I feel I’ve got a good filter in that I screen out a lot but maybe it could be improved. The guy at christmas I managed to screen out quickly but it would have been better to not even get involved with him in the first place so any tips welcome. At present my issue is I’m not even finding anyone I like but that’s a different issue

 

Your exclusive arrangements sound much different to mine! The 1 or 2 a year I have typically go for 6 weeks - 3 months and have never lasted when I meet someone from online. I often sense it’s about 1-2 months after sex they change as it’s almost like they got what they want and now have clarity they don’t want a relationship.

 

what’s annoying is the insincere stuff they say - I remember the day before I instigated the convo that forced him to be honest he was suggesting we get a flat together and a dog next year! But it’s bizarre and false for him to have done that when he knew he didn’t want to commit. It’s not as if I’m not old enough to take these sayings with a pinch of salt but it does feel it’s very easy for a lot of guys to say all this stuff that sounds like they have serious intentions and it’s real rubbish a lot of the time!

 

We will have to disagree on the apps changing men, but it could be a lot of men always were like this but previously never had the options to behave this way and the casual sex culture wasn’t as rife. I do speak to my dad (and mum) about it and they are pretty shocked at the stories.

 

I would love to meet someone offline, I never seem to (at least not guys that are right for me)

[bluecastle]

I did go through it all before and early, so now I feel I’m SO done and jaded.

 

I hear you.

 

But what you "went through" early was, well, an early, rudimentary version of all this—the one in which romance is built around the buzz of attention more than connection. That's what a lot of it is about when we're young: thirst, thirst quenching. We really want to be liked, fawned over, an object of lust—and when you're 15 or 22, drew some decent numbers from the DNA lottery, it's not exactly rocket science. Yet it kind of feels like rocket science—so, hey, all good. Or good-ish. Blood flowing to all the right places, as the heart skips beats.

 

There's a shelf-life to all that, and thank god.

 

When I hear you equate lip this and teeth that to "looking good to attract men who are my age can go for women in their 20’s" what I hear is you falling back on the very paradigm you are so done with, so jaded by, and thus ensuring that jaded remains the de facto state. Think about it. What happens when the cool 37-year-old leans in to kiss those "new" lips? Some part of you is maybe preoccupied thinking "Is it just the new lips? And how long until he bails for a 26-year-old?" Whether he's a "player" or not doesn't matter because you're playing the old game, the "new" lips tripped up by old rules. And, as a result, the kiss is kind of so-so, cute as dude is, and you're questioning whether your psycho-physiognomy has turned to tundra.

 

Reading these threads one thing is clear as day: you're whip-smart, soulful, a searcher. Hot stuff, all that. Are those qualities you'd like seen and appreciated by men? I wonder how you'd feel, in the old-school cheek-burning sense, with a taste of that. I can't help but think it would feel a bit like a spark—but it's a spark you've got to cherish on your own first.

 

Not to beat the old drum, but: this is where therapy is fun, or might be fun. Some pipes get cleared of corrosion, making way for new sparks. New connection points, within, that will lead to a new mode of connection in dating—one where attention is just the amuse bouche, not even the appetizer, let alone the meal. Hard to feel jaded when something feels completely new, you know?

[Batya33]

How would you advise I better screen? I feel I’ve got a good filter in that I screen out a lot but maybe it could be improved. The guy at christmas I managed to screen out quickly but it would have been better to not even get involved with him in the first place so any tips welcome. At present my issue is I’m not even finding anyone I like but that’s a different issue

 

Your exclusive arrangements sound much different to mine! The 1 or 2 a year I have typically go for 6 weeks - 3 months and have never lasted when I meet someone from online. I often sense it’s about 1-2 months after sex they change as it’s almost like they got what they want and now have clarity they don’t want a relationship.

 

what’s annoying is the insincere stuff they say - I remember the day before I instigated the convo that forced him to be honest he was suggesting we get a flat together and a dog next year! But it’s bizarre and false for him to have done that when he knew he didn’t want to commit. It’s not as if I’m not old enough to take these sayings with a pinch of salt but it does feel it’s very easy for a lot of guys to say all this stuff that sounds like they have serious intentions and it’s real rubbish a lot of the time!

 

We will have to disagree on the apps changing men, but it could be a lot of men always were like this but previously never had the options to behave this way and the casual sex culture wasn’t as rife. I do speak to my dad (and mum) about it and they are pretty shocked at the stories.

 

I would love to meet someone offline, I never seem to (at least not guys that are right for me)

 

But in the 80s and 90s men could go to a different singles bar in my huge city every night if they wanted -or several -and those who wanted casual flings did so - and "scored" from all I could tell. And, there were written personal ads (my sister met her husband that way, I was engaged to a man I met that way) and dating phone lines, etc - there's always a way and again technology is not going to change someone's goals, standards and values other than very temporarily (as I mentioned it felt like a candy store when I first started -really fun to get all that attention, etc and it wore off very quickly because I always wanted marriage potential)

 

When you were exclusive was that tied to sexual activity? In my case it wasn't except for one time. Yes, words need to be backed up by actions.

 

Here is how I screened. We exchanged one or two emails. Then we spoke by phone for about 20 minutes. I googled if I could (google was pretty new though). On the phone I listened mostly. I listened for - voice tone, inflection, what he asked about me, what he shared about himself, whether he mentioned sex, how he referred to past relationships if he did, and if I felt that I could meet this person for 45 minutes or so for coffee and have a comfortable conversation. I screened for lies -about age, marital status, education level. At the end of the call if he didn't suggest meeting and I wanted to, I did. If he didn't respond enthusiastically and set up a time/place (or tell me he needed to call me back in x number of days to check his calendar) I was done. I was open to talking one more time if our call was cut short because of work or similar. If he was unavailable to meet within a week or so without a real reason, I was done.

 

I would not have dated any men if I really thought "men" were so weak minded that an app could change how they treated women, relationships, their standards, values and goals. Because then I'd have to worry that anytime he wasn't with me he might be "changed" by seeing a really hot woman, or being flirted with by a woman, etc - because if a man's values can be changed to the extent you say by interacting with an online site - how could you ever trust that person -how could you have a baby with that person? It's funny -my husband and his friend, also married, used to get those emails from match.com that listed who they matched with. Neither had accounts anymore for years but they still got the emails and they would joke about who they were matched with. I felt uncomfortable with that so I told him I did and he stopped -even though it had nothing to do with meeting anyone or contacting anyone - it was just inappropriate despite being "fun."

 

Men have always had the option to meet up with women for casual sexual arrangements - I'm about 20 years older than you are -believe me in the 1980s when I started going to the bars and clubs to go out dancing, and to single parties, then singles resorts in the 1990s -believe me there was a candy store out there plus personal ads and phone dating, etc. Is it easier to sit home and click -sure - but you still have to go out and meet if you want sex with a human being. If a person already has it in him or her to want attention from many members of the opposite sex and to have multiple partners - if that desire is there - then yes online sites make it easier to fulfill that desire and behave consistent with that desire. But if the desire is outweighed by wanting a serious relationship with a likeminded person a reasonably intelligent guy is not going to waste his time clicking on eye candy and meeting up with women for sex. Just like people who choose to be on diets - if their goal is weight loss or health or whatever they can walk by the office break room filled with their favorite candy and treats and keep walking.

[Wiseman2]

Have you carefully reflected on who that is?

guys that are right for me

[Batya33]

Have you carefully reflected on who that is?

 

OP -this is a great question and one that I believe does need careful reflection. It might not be what you think you need/want. Definitely don't settle and at the same time -see if everything on your list is a must. With the test being "if I take that off the list would I be settling?" If you find yourself attracted to unavailable guys -guys who are challenging, keep you on your toes -because they act distant/hot/cold - that's not about anything wrong with those guys - that's about you - that's about you needing the excitement of that sort of challenge and not appreciating the excitement of a guy who is available and not passive or a doormat or yes man - that's about you thinking that if you don't have to "fight" for a guy's attention beyond wanting to have sex with you that he can't be that valuable, cool, whatever.

 

The guy I dated for three months about a month before I reconnected with my husband was unavailable to me in that way - he was so handsome, sexy and very good to me when we spoke, when we hung out, had dates, he had a wickedly funny sense of humor, was in the entertainment industry - and he just wasn't "that" into me - after 3 plus months he was still active on the dating site (no we were not yet exclusive, no we were not having sex but we were having sleepovers which were really fun) - and he told me he wasn't quite ready to commit to me.

 

I decided to give it one more month total. One night -it was the third time this happened in as many weeks -I was sleepless because, again, I hadn't heard from him in a number of days, I could feel that he was distancing himself, etc - and something clicked at around 3am or so. I realized -wow -it was so so not worth it for me to lose any sleep over him, ever. That whether he ever called me again or not he wasn't worth it, he wasn't right for me, not my person. He called the next day, his charming self, we made a plan to see each other and I could tell he was lukewarm about it but I decided to meet him. On that date -he did this on purpose from all I could tell -he showed me a side of him that was scary. Not scary to me personally but scary. He admitted something about that too. I knew this was a dealbreaker and I knew he probably showed that side to push me away. He halfheartedly protested when I ended things. He's married now and I do hope he got help and that he's happy.

 

But my point is that that click -that getting to that point of why the heck am I losing sleep over a cute sexy funny guy who is not that into me? Not in a rationalizing kind of way -in a deep rooted kind of way -because I slept fine after that.

 

And sure when my husband and I reconnected and had mutual sparks yes, there were times I was scared - had things really changed? Was he more into me than I was into him? Fleeting moments. But only fleeting because when you want what is truly right for you - when you sleep peacefully and feel at home but also excited - those pesky doubts stay way off the radar and fade completely. It's not the same kind of excitement as chasing the guy I mentioned in the last paragraph. But it means you don't confuse losing sleep because "he didn't call" with "wow I must really want him" -no it just means you don't want yourself badly enough.

[reinventmyself]

You might start by limiting your exposure to merely maybes. You may not have as many dates, but I can't help but think that spending time with men that you are either trying to talk yourself into, or ones that are spinning mixed messages can lend to negative attitude. I know it would me.

 

Taking long breaks, regrouping, cultivating my friendships always helped me. When I returned to dating my expectations were much more realistic, my investment was low and I think men sensed that I wasn't exactly eager to bed them or lock it down for that matter. It changed the dynamic and I think it became clear that I wasn't interested in settling.

 

Being happily single was a desirable option for me. It would take something pretty special to get me to reconsider. I am pretty sure they sensed this.

 

I read in some dating advise article that people, particularly women, go into a date wondering `is he my forever after??' It's true! You have to know that thoughts, even subconscious ones are often sensed by others. It drives your actions and reactions.

 

I started going into a date as just a moment in my life. Living in that moment, not worrying about what my date thought of me, but placing my focus on whether or not - he suited me. When the date was done, that was it. There was no wondering about tomorrow, if he'd call, if he wouldn't. I put those thoughts out my mind.

 

I love the saying `it's just date, not a marriage proposal' Because that's all it is. A moment in time. Live in that moment. Outside of that, you have a full life. Get busy with it.

 

It will change your energy and how men perceive you. You can't fake it. It's something you have to work on and commit to.

[Batya33]

I agree with this and also believe that a man can sense if he is with a woman who doesn't trust "men" in general or is bitter/cynical/jaded. It was a main reason I decided not to go on a real date with a man I had met once -because I sensed that jadedness/negativity.

[DancingFool]

Ooofff....there is so much going on here all at once. To address your main question, no you are not asexual, but you are burnt out.

 

First of all, please take a time out from dating for at least a few months and do some serious self care. This is critical. Yes, you need to address your baggage going all the way to childhood because it is affecting your ability to date and relate to people and here is the catch - when you are not in a healthy place emotionally, you will not be able to attract those who are. Healthy men will get to know you a bit, smell trouble and walk away.

 

So second thing is stop telling yourself that men are taking advantage of you or lying to you when they date you and then stop. That's the point of dating - to get to know each other and see if you are matching or not. When you meet, decide that you like to see each other more, it's a process that either leads to both of you getting closer together or not as either one or the other or both of you realize that this is not a good match for you. Which leads to a third critical point - start paying attention to what kind of a person you actually want.

 

So third thing is that you are stuck in the "pick me, pick me" game. You are so focused on the guy choosing you to be with, you are completely forgetting that you also need to do the choosing. Stop and look at his character. Identify what you want in a man besides him liking you or wanting to sleep with you. Does he have matching character and values? This takes time to see because everyone can tell you whatever you want to hear, but it takes time to see if their words and actions actually match up. Like a guy tells you he is sooo honest, honesty is sooo important to him, but then you see him stiff a waitress over a mistake and you what else? Honest people don't talk about being honest, they just are. Someone who is busy talking about that is a red flag in itself.

 

Finally, what kind of people you surround yourself with becomes your reality. If you are running with the crowd of sleep around with random strangers and discard them quickly, then that's the kind of people you will be surrounded with and any guy who is different from it will look at your friends and your life and will judge you and run away screaming.

 

To get the relationship that you want, you have to live and embody it yourself and you've got a whole lot of work to do on yourself to get there. Thing is that you can.

[abitbroken]

So second thing is stop telling yourself that men are taking advantage of you or lying to you when they date you and then stop. That's the point of dating - to get to know each other and see if you are matching or not. When you meet, decide that you like to see each other more, it's a process that either leads to both of you getting closer together or not as either one or the other or both of you realize that this is not a good match for you. Which leads to a third critical point - start paying attention to what kind of a person you actually want.

 

The point of a first date is to see if there if there is enough interest on YOUR part to go on a second date with him. It should be in public and more of a "predate" -- go for coffee, go to lunch, something inexpensive, in public and where you won't be too emotionally invested in romance. If he really smells, if you can't hold a conversation with him, if he is too forward (tries to grope you at McDonald's), there are things that don't match up even though he is perfectly nice (he is newly seperated with 12 kids), or if he treats "neutral women" like a clerk or server horribly, then that weighs in to if YOU want to do something else with him.

 

Its like swiping left and right. if he asks you out again and you already decided you would be interested in getting to know him more - yay. If you think he's disgusting or way out of what you are comfortable with (24 kids, is here on vacation from somewhere far away, smokes, whatever), and he asks you out again, you decline.

 

And then rinse and repeat on the second meet. Do you want to go out with him again? if yes, wonderful, if no , wonderful and so forth.

 

Its not about if he likes you, its about if you like yourself