reinventmyself Posted October 24, 2019 Share Posted October 24, 2019 But it’s frustrating when men act like this is prudish or weird for me to expect this and not “see how it goes” Do you buy into this idea because it sounds like you are questioning yourself some here? Guys who don't care about you will give you the message that by holding yourself to higher standard is somehow prudish. A man that respects you will respect that you will let him know when you are ready and not a minute before. he acted like it was strange and made a joke of “I feel to sleep with you I’d have to practically get down on one knee!” That line only works if you buy into it. It was made so you would question yourself and it worked. I had a guy say `do I need to put a ring on it first?' . . . and I then invited him to leave my home. Link to comment
Chloee1988 Posted October 25, 2019 Share Posted October 25, 2019 I don't think you're asexual at all. I think life experiences make you more mature, thoughtful and responsible. You've reached a point in your life where you are aware of the consequences of your actions, and therefore you're more cautious. You're doing the responsible thing which is to hold off jumping into bed with a new person. I actually think is a very healthy mindset and a turning point for you. Use this knowledge to your advantage. It's a very good thing! Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted October 25, 2019 Share Posted October 25, 2019 Perhaps it's time to decide if you want Mr right or Mr right-now rather than using this shotgun approach or using trendy labels or Freudian psychobabble to explain away everything. Link to comment
waffle Posted October 25, 2019 Share Posted October 25, 2019 Don't make other peoples' (men on online dating sites) failings your fault. Link to comment
Realitynut Posted October 26, 2019 Share Posted October 26, 2019 Batya….you said... I knew all about that three date rule many many years ago including in the late 1980s when I was in my early 20s and planning to wait till marriage. I got married in 1986 for 20 years....at the age of 32...so maybe that's why i never heard it. And, to be honest, no one pulled that line on me....but i don't think it was a line, just an unspoken mindset. I'm sure my sister never knew her husband thought that way! But then again, he may have been blowing smoke. I was just feeling like OP...burned out on the whole idea of meeting men. My last one...off and on for 6 years...i just pulled the plug for good 7 weeks ago. Still feeling the effects. And the fact that I'm gonna be 65 in Dec. is all having a very negative effect on me. (btw...he pursued me for 10 months. He became my best friend. No sex or kissing or nothing...for 10 months. The min. i did....he changed. Practically ran from the room and left me crying on the bed! so...this hot/cold weirdness for the last 6 years has taken a toll) So i was commiserating. Her on the biological time clock thing.....me on my LIFE time clock.... Link to comment
Realitynut Posted October 26, 2019 Share Posted October 26, 2019 Re writing to guys RealityNut - again my friends and mines experience (I only keep bringing up my friends to show it’s not just me) is that if a guy is interested they will write first. We have all tried writing to guys first and it never seems to work out. lol....I just got out of an emotionally abusive relationship...even tho he would disagree. Very Hot/cold. So My profile on POF is an old one....and hidden. Like Reinvent say...so many have been on for 10 years. Same old pics. I got on the dating sites, the same time I got on here. Heck...the people on here have changed over more than the old guys on the dating site....with the same pictures. Soooooo...Hidden. Thought I would be daring and write, since the guy had no profile pic, was older than me, but we had all the same interests. Hiking, Kayaking, biking, etc. No response. AND....I also had a facelift last year trying to keep myself 'dateable'...but if I can't even attract an older man. or knows WHAT he looks like? well....what can I say.... Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 26, 2019 Share Posted October 26, 2019 Batya….you said... I knew all about that three date rule many many years ago including in the late 1980s when I was in my early 20s and planning to wait till marriage. I got married in 1986 for 20 years....at the age of 32...so maybe that's why i never heard it. And, to be honest, no one pulled that line on me....but i don't think it was a line, just an unspoken mindset. I'm sure my sister never knew her husband thought that way! But then again, he may have been blowing smoke. I was just feeling like OP...burned out on the whole idea of meeting men. My last one...off and on for 6 years...i just pulled the plug for good 7 weeks ago. Still feeling the effects. And the fact that I'm gonna be 65 in Dec. is all having a very negative effect on me. (btw...he pursued me for 10 months. He became my best friend. No sex or kissing or nothing...for 10 months. The min. i did....he changed. Practically ran from the room and left me crying on the bed! so...this hot/cold weirdness for the last 6 years has taken a toll) So i was commiserating. Her on the biological time clock thing.....me on my LIFE time clock.... Hi there! I'm really sorry you're having such a hard time. I agree it was a mindset and a line (it may have been 4 dates when I was dating!). That guy you mentioned sounds like he acted like a jerk and of course you deserve better. So weird that kind of switch. I'm glad you can offer your empathy to the OP -it's tough out there!! Link to comment
Reflective82 Posted October 26, 2019 Author Share Posted October 26, 2019 Well just because ONE guy didn’t respond it doesn’t mean you can’t attract guys, online dating is so hard on the ego and all ages and looks get that. Some of my friends are blonde, others brunette, all in our 30s and we get rejected. Props to you for having the facelift, it’s good to give yourself a confidence boost! I don’t know what the sites are like in the US but in the UK POF is not a great one and bumble and hinge are best. Could you try those? Link to comment
Reflective82 Posted October 26, 2019 Author Share Posted October 26, 2019 Thanks for responses all. I definitely have some thinking to do and reading through all of them. Dating is hard!!! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 26, 2019 Share Posted October 26, 2019 Well just because ONE guy didn’t respond it doesn’t mean you can’t attract guys, online dating is so hard on the ego and all ages and looks get that. Some of my friends are blonde, others brunette, all in our 30s and we get rejected. Props to you for having the facelift, it’s good to give yourself a confidence boost! I don’t know what the sites are like in the US but in the UK POF is not a great one and bumble and hinge are best. Could you try those? I never felt "rejected" by a stranger or someone I'd only met once. I'd also do a subtle shift of not thinking of this as "online dating" -date in real life, use the sites only for the first contact then meet in person ASAP if you feel safe enough and comfortable enough to meet in a public place. Edited to add -in my 30s certain hair products improved significantly, so did my hair and so did my ability to attract men at least as far as being interested in meeting. Looks matter of course and of course beauty is in the eye of the beholder. The one negative I found over and over again was that a woman who was overweight was going to have a harder time with dating in cities especially. I heard this, experienced it indirectly -I'd never been overweight. I'm just throwing that out there. Is it fair -no -because overweight men typically didn't encounter that issue and it's just what I experienced. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted October 26, 2019 Share Posted October 26, 2019 Good you are out there online and in real life finding ways to meet people. While generally being attractive, in shape, groomed, healthy etc are important, being too vain is easy to detect and generally a turn off. Life is more than the acquisition of new first dates. You may in fact be trying a bit too hard. In the long run, it's ok to be shallow but you'll only keep shallow people surrounding you and that means a lot of one-and-done guys. What interests do you have? Have you tried taking courses or classes that are fun and/or involve learning something new? Do you volunteer? Do you belong to any groups or clubs that involve your interests or could introduce you to new ones? Think about becoming a more well rounded person before your next trip to the cosmetic surgeon or botox party. Some of my friends are blonde, others brunette, all in our 30s and we get rejected. bumble and hinge are best. Link to comment
figureitout23 Posted October 26, 2019 Share Posted October 26, 2019 Batya….you said... I knew all about that three date rule many many years ago including in the late 1980s when I was in my early 20s and planning to wait till marriage. I got married in 1986 for 20 years....at the age of 32...so maybe that's why i never heard it. And, to be honest, no one pulled that line on me....but i don't think it was a line, just an unspoken mindset. I'm sure my sister never knew her husband thought that way! But then again, he may have been blowing smoke. I was just feeling like OP...burned out on the whole idea of meeting men. My last one...off and on for 6 years...i just pulled the plug for good 7 weeks ago. Still feeling the effects. And the fact that I'm gonna be 65 in Dec. is all having a very negative effect on me. (btw...he pursued me for 10 months. He became my best friend. No sex or kissing or nothing...for 10 months. The min. i did....he changed. Practically ran from the room and left me crying on the bed! so...this hot/cold weirdness for the last 6 years has taken a toll) So i was commiserating. Her on the biological time clock thing.....me on my LIFE time clock.... Nope not true. Had a guy not kiss me for 5 dates, I finally had to tell him to make a move, months later when I asked him why it took him so long he said because he didn’t want me to get the wrong impression of him. I think the 3 date rule is an urban legend. Men that rushed me, pretty much never panned out, not because they’re users or any of that, if sex is the focus you’ve got nothing else to fall back on 🤷🏾♀️ Link to comment
Realitynut Posted October 26, 2019 Share Posted October 26, 2019 lol....wiseman....after i went and got my facelift in Costa Rica...I got nerve damage. My side of my mouth dropped down...looked like I had a stroke. It was awful. Was like that for 3.5 months until I got better. If I didn't smile...or talk...I looked good. REAL good. But unfortunately...I talk and smile a lot! Then...I got better! Yay. Came home from Florida. Was home ONE HOUR....and I did a faceplant into a garbage can that tipped over. Thought I broke my nose. Got 10 stitches in my forehead and skin off my nose. They wanted to do a skin transplant on my nose...I was so sick of the whole thing, I decline. I said....that's what I get for being vain! lol. So now I have a big bumpy scar in the middle of my forehead! ( I had no surgery on my forehead...one thing that had no wrinkles or issues...) and a big raised scar on the bridge of my nose! So vain. That really made me feel like sh*t. Spent all that money to lift my 'jowls' and WHAM! At 65 you have to be a well rounded person...I agree. And sitting on the computer and eating...ain't doing it! hahaha Link to comment
Realitynut Posted October 26, 2019 Share Posted October 26, 2019 Nope not true. I think the 3 date rule is an urban legend. 路♀️ To be honest.....I never heard of it, until My sis's husband told me. He said his adult boys felt the same. But like I said....maybe they're all trying to be 'macho'....his kids are that way! Then I heard of it on here.... They just thought the woman wasn't interested if in 3 dates. I can't imagine!!!! Link to comment
Realitynut Posted October 26, 2019 Share Posted October 26, 2019 Hi there! I'm really sorry you're having such a hard time. I agree it was a mindset and a line (it may have been 4 dates when I was dating!). That guy you mentioned sounds like he acted like a jerk and of course you deserve better. So weird that kind of switch. I'm glad you can offer your empathy to the OP -it's tough out there!! Thanks so much Batya!! I'm feeling pretty bad at this point. Low grade depression. But...i'm gonna snap out of it!!! lol Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 26, 2019 Share Posted October 26, 2019 Thanks so much Batya!! I'm feeling pretty bad at this point. Low grade depression. But...i'm gonna snap out of it!!! lol Wishing you all the best! Link to comment
Reflective82 Posted October 27, 2019 Author Share Posted October 27, 2019 I go to the gym but that’s about it in terms of interests. I’d be open to more but you know, I don’t know anyone who met through a random interest or group like that. I go skiing once a year and would LOVE to meet a guy that way. But I at most have a snog on these holidays. A girl can dream hey. Most people I know tend to meet through friends, work, online? Yes, I do agree re the shallow thing and I am careful not to really come across this way to guys. Equally, as Batya and everyone I’m sure would admit, looks do matter and even more so online!! So I try and do the most I can.... Link to comment
Reflective82 Posted October 27, 2019 Author Share Posted October 27, 2019 Don’t punish yourself for “being vain”, you wanted a boost and you went for it! Nothing round with cosmetic surgery and I’m sure there is still an improvement. The scar will fade in time I’m sure x Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 27, 2019 Share Posted October 27, 2019 I go to the gym but that’s about it in terms of interests. I’d be open to more but you know, I don’t know anyone who met through a random interest or group like that. I go skiing once a year and would LOVE to meet a guy that way. But I at most have a snog on these holidays. A girl can dream hey. Most people I know tend to meet through friends, work, online? Yes, I do agree re the shallow thing and I am careful not to really come across this way to guys. Equally, as Batya and everyone I’m sure would admit, looks do matter and even more so online!! So I try and do the most I can.... I have one friend who met her husband through dancing lessons (he was her instructor, she a former dancer and currently a professional in the corporate world), another through tennis, another through cycling (well technically Craigs List but she posted under cycling buddy), I met men through my volunteer work (one in particular pursued me but I had a boyfriend at the time). I know of several couples who met through community theater -mostly backstage work volunteering but also front stage. I know of couples who met through religious organizations and places of worship. If you're not out there involved in activities (gym is a start) then you're decreasing your chances of meeting quality, like minded people IMO. Link to comment
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