She Needs Space?

[ThatwasThen]

Thanks for this ... she said she wanted something casual and just fun and our dates were exactly that - I was just confirming where I was mentally. I actually thought the message I sent was just honest and was looking for where her head was so I can move on or whatever.

Then instead of putting her (likely) in anxiety mode with all the "Tiger" and "babe" and declares of how great she is and "Hot" why didn't you just ask her where her "head was?" ... Or better yet, take what she told you at face value and did the fade on her so that she chased you wondering where the heck YOU got to.

 

Not too many people want that kind of pressure put on them to respond to such a vomit of emotions so early on in a dating situation... Those who have asked for space particularly aren't ready to hear such things.

 

Best thing to do now is go radio silence, keep dating and if she comes around looking to see where you got to, then great. If she fades completely then consider her having taught you to go forth that much more dating savvy.

[BJN31]

Then instead of putting her (likely) in anxiety mode with all the "Tiger" and "babe" and declares of how great she is and "Hot" why didn't you just ask her where her "head was?" ... Or better yet, take what she told you at face value and did the fade on her so that she chased you wondering where the heck YOU got to.

 

Not too many people want that kind of pressure put on them to respond to such a vomit of emotions so early on in a dating situation... Those who have asked for space particularly aren't ready to hear such things.

 

Best thing to do now is go radio silence, keep dating and if she comes around looking to see where you got to, then great. If she fades completely then consider her having taught you to go forth that much more dating savvy.

 

Totally understand - I was just trying to be honest I guess it’s backfired

[ThatwasThen]

Totally understand - I was just trying to be honest I guess it’s backfired

 

Time will tell but don't put yourself on hold for her. Get out there and continue dating but just take is slow and steady.

 

Good luck.

[SarahLancaster]

And use condoms.

[Camber 2019]

 

Not too many people want that kind of pressure put on them to respond to such a vomit of emotions so early on in a dating situation...

 

And once again, TWT makes me literally laugh out loud!!!

[MissCanuck]

Not to pile on, OP, but that message was way too much.

 

I realize your heart was in the right place. However, it probably will only serve to confirm her decision to end it. You are taking this much more seriously than she is, over-explaining yourself, and not really hearing what she is saying. When she told you she wanted space, it was not your cue to put something that long and emotional into a message and hit "send." To be clear, I think this was likely already a done deal even without the message, but any remaining fragment of doubt in her mind about ending it is probably gone now.

 

Anyway, take it as a lesson learned. The right woman for you won't be asking for space, and as the others have suggested, stay away from the young 20-somethings who are still in school. They're not in a compatible life-stage to your own and are unlikely to want to have a serous, decade-older boyfriend.

[Clio]

Having an unplanned pregnancy and a miscarriage was probably a wake up call for her. It probably made her think of whether she was willing to carry on risking ending up entangled with you in the long-term. Her disappearance is the answer to that question. Imagine if you had accidentally left someone you didn't view seriously pregnant at 23 and you had a lucky escape. Would you continue to push your lack with that person?

[SherrySher]

Then instead of putting her (likely) in anxiety mode with all the "Tiger" and "babe" and declares of how great she is and "Hot" why didn't you just ask her where her "head was?"

 

I don't know her, but these 'pet' names sounds nauseating. Not many women would be into it.

 

Besides the fact that you got her pregnant which showed her how irresponsible you are. A grown man would know better. She's not into this, OP. You need to move on.

[trufo]

You treated her like a queen. "Want to dine at the best restaurants, your Highness?", "I'll take you on an expensive trip because you're the best that has happened to me, your Highness". I don't think the agegap mattered AT ALL. I think the relationship was unequal, with her on the pedestal you put her on. It's perfect for romantic movies, but doesn't work in real life. She lost her respect and attraction for you. No one wants to be in an unequal relationship, not even if they're the ones on the pedestal.

 

Your text exemplifies my theory. You say you're afraid of losing her because she's basically THE BEST GIRL YOU'VE EVER SEEN OR MET. And then you say when she comes back all she has to do is call you and bam! There you are, standing at attention. You even say that if she wants it casual, you'll accept it because you're too much of a coward to state what you want. "Yes your Highness! After screwing 10 guys you must crave a visit to the sauna! I booked us the best in the whole country."

 

I know this hurts, it's what I've done in my previous relationship. Even now thoughts pop up that go "Your ex is the hottest, funniest girl. You'll never find someone like her." Even though I'm meeting some wonderful women. We're just conditioned to behave unmanly since childhood (needy, insecure, putting her as your sole focus etc.) while women want a man. Yes, Hollywood romance is beautiful. Too bad it doesn't work like that in real life.

Ever since I completely changed how I want experience life, simply meaning going through life as a confident man, people gravitate towards me. I've never had women come up to me to chat or even flirt, but since then I have. I truly advise you to connect with your male energy and build your life around that. When walking, look to people. If the opportunity arises, say something or have a little chat. You are a desirable man, now really... really start believing that.

[SherrySher]

You treated her like a queen. "Want to dine at the best restaurants, your Highness?", "I'll take you on an expensive trip because you're the best that has happened to me, your Highness". I don't think the age gap mattered AT ALL. I think the relationship was unequal, with her on the pedestal you put her on. It's perfect for romantic movies, but doesn't work in real life.

 

The whole point is, Trufo, how he behaved, did NOT impress her, did it? That's what we women are trying to tell him. Women don't need fancy restaurants or expensive trips to fall in love.

 

He either was what she wanted, or he wasn't.

 

But we are trying to tell him why it didn't work. There are many reasons why, it's got nothing to do with being 'unequal'. And yes, the age gap was a huge reason why she no longer wanted this.

 

She can have hot guys her own age who are younger, less intense, more on her wavelength, why would she choose to stay him OP?

[trufo]

The whole point is, Trufo, how he behaved, did NOT impress her, did it? That's what we women are trying to tell him. Women don't need fancy restaurants or expensive trips to fall in love.

 

He either was what she wanted, or he wasn't.

 

But we are trying to tell him why it didn't work. There are many reasons why, it's got nothing to do with being 'unequal'. And yes, the age gap was a huge reason why she no longer wanted this.

 

She can have hot guys her own age who are younger, less intense, more on her wavelength, why would she choose to stay him OP?

 

 

 

Then we should agree to disagree. Even though I heavily implied that his acting indeed did not impress her. In fact, it turned her away from him completely. You impress women mostly with certain personality values and their external consequences imo (for example confidence, passion and purpose).

If she meets hot guys around her age who are "more on her wavelength" but still put her on a pedestal (you say less intense, basically a synonym for not on a pedestal or not needy) she will act exactly the same. Meaning she will lose interest and attraction very quickly resulting in her need to have space.

[annie24]

I haven't read all the replies -- but some wise posters here have said in similar situations, "when a person asks for space, give them 3x the space they asked for." or thereabouts. The best thing to do is to leave her alone and if she contacts you, she contacts you, and if she doesn't, she doesn't. Hang in there.

[SherrySher]

Not going to argue with you, Trufo, but it sounds like you're having as much trouble as this guy in understanding women and how to get one to stay.

[trufo]

Not going to argue with you, Trufo, but it sounds like you're having as much trouble as this guy in understanding women and how to get one to stay.

 

Ad hominem, SherrySher. Please explain your replies or else they're just fallacious argumentative strategies.

 

I can reverse it, you know? It sounds like you are having trouble understanding women. You might say "but I am a woman, I experience it". So did everyone before Newton found a theory and afterwards law of gravity (Yes I know nowadays Einstein's general relativity is the basis for our understanding of gravity, but for argument's sake). Just experiencing does not mean you understand. I'm not saying I understand, but based on your fallacious argumentive style I would not accept your point of view on any discussion very quickly.

[BJN31]

I’ve been in a year and a 5 year relationship. I’ve obviously completely let myself down her but please understand it was out of a good place on not somewhere desperate. I enjoyed her company and thought I’d say my peace. We wouldn’t all be here if we have not made mistakes

[SarahLancaster]

There could be a hundred reasons why she didn't want to hear from him anymore. It could have been because he was too needy, he was too old, he was too narcissistic or too irresponsible for not wearing a condom. Or maybe she met someone she liked better.

Or maybe she was too busy with school and work that she didn't have time. It's all speculation on our parts.

 

But the fact that she DID ask him to slow down and the fact that he didn't, but escalated the communication is most likely the kiss of death to any potential that this grouping might have had.

[ThatwasThen]

I’ve been in a year and a 5 year relationship. I’ve obviously completely let myself down her but please understand it was out of a good place on not somewhere desperate. I enjoyed her company and thought I’d say my peace. We wouldn’t all be here if we have not made mistakes

 

The good thing about it all, BJN is that you've learned a lesson that will only help you navigate your next connection. Your time with her was very brief so not something to cry over spilt milk at all.

 

Good luck in your next adventure in dating. I think we've beaten this over your head enough... it's clear you "get it." You'll be fine whether she contacts you or not and like I'll said, you'll be all that more datin savvy if she does (or with your next connection).

[Hollyj]

Do you usually not use condoms and date such young girls?

[WaywardKiwi]

The good thing about it all, BJN is that you've learned a lesson that will only help you navigate your next connection. Your time with her was very brief so not something to cry over spilt milk at all.

 

Good luck in your next adventure in dating. I think we've beaten this over your head enough... it's clear you "get it." You'll be fine whether she contacts you or not and like I'll said, you'll be all that more datin savvy if she does (or with your next connection).

 

Hi BJN,

 

I agree, I think your mistake has been reiterated enough and you realise you've got some things to work on. If you end up feeling the urge to send a message like this to an ex (or near-ex) again, I would recommend the thread here:

 

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=304069

 

Best of luck moving forward,

 

T

[SixOfOne]

I suspect you understand this by now, but just to be completely clear: any time a woman says she ‘needs space’, it means disappear from her life unless and until she contacts you, which very likely may be never. Despite your best intentions, she doesn’t want to know how you feel or what you think. At all, period. And if she had the slightest doubt about you and whether she may have made a mistake, you’re helping confirm her decision every time you text, call, show your face, connect through social media… anything. This applies to her and any woman you may ever know going forward. There are few things more attractive than self-confidence, and by not explicitly honoring her wishes you’re displaying your lack of it. Sorry this happened but be thankful for the time you had with her and move on. Best wishes to you.