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I have a huge crush on a coworker, but i'm married


MyTime007

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Thanks a lot for every advice. It is very difficult when u find yourself in a situation like this, since u can not tell anyone, not even your best friend, even though she noticed something is going on. Now I have hope that I will end this, I will be absent from work for a longer period and I think it will clear up my mind.

 

you need to fall back in love with your husband and quickly! the only way to beat something like is, is to strengthen your marriage. maybe buy a journal and start writing out how you and your husband met and how it made you feel.

 

try to relive that and also start working on your marriage. you will regret ending your marriage over a crush/high.

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It's time to splash cold water on your face and take a cold shower! Wake up! Don't be stupid!

 

You're married. Set a fine example to your child and act like an honorable mother and wife. Behave yourself.

 

Stop the messages all day long. Back off. Don't be too close to your coworker. Remain all business, be civil, polite yet professional. No more no less. Learn to distance yourself from him. Enforce healthy boundaries. If he gives you compliments, you can say a cool, quick, blunt "thank you" and walk away. If he asks you out, remain firm and decline politely and quickly. Don't do anything foolhardy.

 

Focus on your marriage and give your husband respect.

 

Consider your workplace as a place to earn a paycheck and nothing more. Act like a decent, honorable lady.

 

Don't create any messes. Lead a clean life.

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Thanks a lot for every advice. It is very difficult when u find yourself in a situation like this, since u can not tell anyone, not even your best friend, even though she noticed something is going on. Now I have hope that I will end this, I will be absent from work for a longer period and I think it will clear up my mind.

 

You"have hope" you will end this?

 

Why are you acting like you have no control over your own actions?

 

Your husband may make the decision for you by divorcing you if you continue to deceive and lie and cheat.

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It's like they are addicted to pursuing... I really dont know what he wants from me, never speaks about it, just giving me compliments, saying how he would miss me so much when Im gone. It is difficult to stop something while you work with him. Every day I say it is over and here comes again another morning...

 

Who cares what he wants. If you love you husband, don't talk to him except about work if necessary. If he comes to chat say "well, i would love to chat but i am very busy" and make your calls or do your work. Its all You because you are accepting his invites to lunch and coffee. you are the one allowing this. So don't have lunch with him. Run an errand, work through lunch at your desk or make plans with a female coworker if you cannot say no.

 

Also, saying you miss a coworker is not necessarily sexual at all. perhaps you are wanting badly to read into it and assume sexual interrest.

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Thanks a lot for every advice. It is very difficult when u find yourself in a situation like this, since u can not tell anyone, not even your best friend, even though she noticed something is going on. Now I have hope that I will end this, I will be absent from work for a longer period and I think it will clear up my mind.

 

Don't call off of work because of him. Go to work and get a backbone. If you continue to have lunch with him, then you should confess to your husband? Don't want to tell your husband you are emotionally cheating on him? then knock it off

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Did you think that feeling attracted to another person all stopped with a ring on your finger? Well, it doesn't. The trick to be an emotionally mature person is to recognize that this happens but does not mean disrupting your life over it.

 

You do not actively attempt to get more of the attention, you limit contact with whomever is making you twitch. Value your marriage, the one you love.

 

OR, you turn this whack fantasy into a destructive force in your life. Cheat, divorce, and STILL have no satisfaction. Deal with your loss of reputation, risk to your physical health (STIs) and finances.

 

Would you like your husband to do as you have done?

 

I doubt it.

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Just limit your interactions with this person and keep the emails to work only, stop responding to text messages. Skipping work isn't going to do anything if he's texting you bedtime stories or sending you photos and selfies of himself while you're at home. Your header mentions this is a crush so enjoy the high and let it go. It's just a crush. Jim there said it pretty well (post #33).

 

Any interactions outside of work have to stop. Work conversations at work are obviously ok as long as it's about work and don't go too much into your personal lives. If he's easy on the eyes, admire him from afar for his geometrically fortunate disposition like you would a piece of furniture or a work of art but keep it light and know your boundaries. I suppose I'm lucky as I don't know any man who has my husband's physique, personality, talents or total package so I can't really empathize with you in the feelings you must be going through or what this coworker must represent or the pull he must have. I do actually feel badly for what you're feeling as you must be going through a lot of guilt to create a thread all about it and need to vent. I have to agree with the others about rethinking this and being firm about yourself, exploring what matters to you.

 

If you do need to talk to someone or work through issues with a marriage counsellor or a counsellor in general privately, you shouldn't feel ashamed doing that. Do what you have to do to live your best life.

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I understand this has become a hard situation to extract yourself from, but a part of you has to realize that's because you've let it get this far. If you honestly tell yourself every day that it's over, maybe try telling your coworker that as well?

 

If you really want to help yourself end this, the best thing you could do is confess to your husband. You may be surprised by how facing the negative consequences and abandoning the secrecy will sour the empty allure of this emotional affair.

 

Then, you should followup by asking your husband to go to couple's counseling with you. You two obviously need to reconnect with why you fell in love, rededicate yourself to your vows, and explore what's happening in your marriage to allow for this straying.

 

I don't want to be hard on you here, but I think you need to face that you're not being hard enough on yourself. You say you "don't know what he wants from you," but of course you do, deep down. You're just enjoying wondering about it, wondering about him. You call this a crush but it's not. If you're single it's a crush, if you're married it's an affair.

 

You're on the right track to be asking for help, but the help you want is focused in the wrong direction. Everything you're saying is about this man and precious little about your husband and child. You're at a crucial turning point here where you can choose to refocus your feelings and look for help for your marriage. Please don't ignore what everyone is saying.

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  • 5 months later...

It happened, all of you were right. He wanted more, now we are in some kind of relationship and im going crazy for him, but it is destroing me at the same time. I know what im doing is extremly wrong, im hurting my lovely husband. When i was away he used to call me every day for hours, we talked all night. It was very interesting, because i was alone there. I should not let that happen, but i was very lonely. I dont think he wants something more seriouse. My husband checked the calls in our bill and he found out that we are cominicating, when i told him that he just said stay calm. Im destroyed completly. I let this guy take my mind, Im in love with him. My marrige soon will be over if I dont stop this afair.

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I'm sorry but you wanted this affair. Being lonely isn't an excuse for doing what you did. Heaps of people are lonely and still do not cheat.

 

If you were that unhappy, then talk to your husband and tell him. If it can't be worked out, then divorce...but cheating should never be an option.

 

At this point, it sounds like you're going to end up with a divorce anyhow and a man who only wants you for a good time now and then but nothing more. That is, until he get's tired of you.

 

You're going to end up with nothing.

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You are totaly right, yes i wanted this and at this point I think he only wants me for a good time, but why he bothered so much with me, long late night talks, cofee breaks, lunches , dinners.. I started getting julouse, i have never acted like this, he doesnt like that and I feel he will back up and is tired of me. Now my heart is like broken into pices why I let this afair happen. I feel destroyed, I dont know how to move on with my life

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You are totaly right, yes i wanted this and at this point I think he only wants me for a good time, but why he bothered so much with me, long late night talks, cofee breaks, lunches , dinners.. I started getting julouse, i have never acted like this, he doesnt like that and I feel he will back up and is tired of me. Now my heart is like broken into pices why I let this afair happen. I feel destroyed, I dont know how to move on with my life
Well, dear, you did this to yourself, as others have said.

 

Sounds like reconciliation with your husband isn't even an consideration. Or is it?

 

Its all about this guy....

 

In a way, all you can do is move forward, focus on what's best with your child.

 

A big lesson here, to question the motive of a single person pursuing a married person.... its pretty obvious, no strings sex.

 

But maybe on some level you wanted to end the marriage.... your poor hubs. Cheating really messes a person up.... and for a long time...

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So he wants to end the affair and now you're stuck as coworkers? Go to work, act professional and get to a therapist privately to explore all this and decide what you want out of marriage, this affair.

I started getting julouse, i have never acted like this, he doesnt like that and I feel he will back up and is tired of me.
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I cant quit, because i have a long term agreement with the company, since one traineeship abroad i finished in december and when i was away the affair grow stronger first as emotional, when i came back as phisical
Some times we just have to grow up and deal with a mess. Compartmentalize work-- 100% professional, 100% of the time. Live that boundary and fall apart when you can be alone. Then pull it together again.... Seek a therapist that can help you.
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