Pregnant Wife vs. Woman I've Fallen For

[abitbroken]

Start moving in the direction of peace whichever way you decide and creating more harmony around you. The total lack of harmony within you is now apparent in all the disharmony around you and the dysfunction in the relationships others have with you. Keep moving towards more peace.

 

so you are suggesting the path of least resistance and whats in his comfort zone vs ripping the bandaid off

[Rose Mosse]

Start moving in the direction of peace whichever way you decide and creating more harmony around you. The total lack of harmony within you is now apparent in all the disharmony around you and the dysfunction in the relationships others have with you. Keep moving towards more peace.

 

so you are suggesting the path of least resistance and whats in his comfort zone vs ripping the bandaid off

 

No, I'm suggesting that he come to his own conclusions about what's best for him. We cannot force others to see things our way and looking down on someone when that person is in the midst of a difficult decision might not help anyone but ourselves and our own self-expression of what we think is right. It's really about what he thinks is right for himself. I think everyone deserves the right to make that decision for his/her greater good and allowing someone to come to that decision on their own peacefully is critical in taking ownership for one's actions. Given also the context and that this is an online forum and you or I are as far removed from his personal situation as the next Joe, it serves no purpose to judge what's the path of least resistance or what this person's comfort zone is. He'll figure it out on his own.

[ThatwasThen]

Op: I suspect if you were healthy enough to figure it out on your own, you wouldn't need a forum to help you make a decision.

 

Personally, I agree with Reinventmyself in post No. 26 in that I find it rather interesting that you stuck around for all the turmoil and were quite fine doing so until you THINK you found someone to replace her... her being your wife and mother of your children(s).

 

I highly recommend you do what Jim says in post No. 25 and to help you with all of that, you get yourself into personal therapy to help you to finally bury those inner demons you've been carrying around with you. At the very least, before you make a decision that you THINK is for the greater good of yourself that you get that therapy to help you make sure what the greater good for you actually is.

 

Stolen moments together with this chicka at work wherein life doesn't get in your way, is a piss poor way to judge what is good and what is simply a reprieve from the stresses of life and responsibility.

[amii1]

Honestly, what's done is done. You can't go back in time and un-cheat, is what I mean. You fell for this other woman, and whether she's worth it or not, or even if it's meaningful love or not, you describe this as a horrible situation so it's bad enough that you're actually contemplating on what to do. I'm glad you at least feel enough "guilt" or whatever that you're here at least asking for advice. You're not a monster for this, things happen. I'm not saying what you did is fine, but you already know that. My own parents' relationship was somewhat like this. My dad left while she was pregnant, but he was also abusive and psychotic so it's different. However, think about it, would you want to be with someone who's messing around and falling for someone else? Who the heck wants that? You know? So, I would wait for your child to be born and not burden your wife during this period. But afterwards, as soon as possible, I would end things with her. I'm sure you will always have love in your heart for your wife. But, I'm also sure that deep down in your heart, you know this is no longer the woman you're in love with. You have to face it. If you didn't have any kids involved in this or marriage, you know you'd want to get out of this situation.

 

My mom went on to get married to my stepdad, and though he's not the greatest, he's miles better than what would have been had my actual dad stayed with my mother and continued like that. So I can promise you that while your kids might not respect your actions/the cheating, they'll be better off than to deal with all this in their faces when they're older. It's better to leave while you can and be happy, rather than to stay and make this a lot harder for yourself and everyone else in the long run, too. Again, it's not cool what you did but, you're here okay. You're in this mess and you can either continue the pain (for yourself) and the betrayal (towards your wife) and the charade of a show (for your kids, pretending that everything is fine) until you die, or, you can save yourself a disaster and get out now. You'd be doing your wife a favour by letting her find someone who feels about her the way you feel for this other woman, and the sooner, the faster she can heal and move on. You can always be a father to your kids whether you're married to their mom or not. Being their dad is basically irrelevant to whether you stay with your wife or not.

 

This is all my own opinion though, of course. It's your life, but I truly believe this is the right thing to do. If you stay with her, you'd have to make yourself fall in love with her again and forget the other woman, and unfortunately, being in love doesn't really work like that. You're either in or you're not, you don't exactly decide. I hope any of this helps you. My stepdad does cheat by the way, but he's not abusive like my real dad. I've spent many years watching my mom cry after finding out, time after time. Please, just save you wife the pain, and save yourself the pain, too. You have no idea how many times I wish my mom or stepdad would just leave each other, but no, they're "together for the kids" they have together. This is all coming from a good place on my end, though. I really believe leaving is the best gift you could give her at this point, as well as yourself and your kids, rather than drag them along in this mess any further. If you really don't want to hurt her a lot (though it'll hurt regardless), you can just focus on your feelings having faded on everything that went wrong in your relationship so far and just not mention the other woman.

 

Also, one thing I've basically learned over time is if someone asks a question like this about their life, they usually have the answer in their mind but aren't ready to accept it, so they ask away, hoping for reassurance. This is your reassurance. You'll be fine, but if you keep this up, you'll end up torturing your mind and living the biggest lie in front of your wife and kids everyday for the rest of your life. You can do yourself the biggest favour though by freeing yourself, and everyone else too.

 

In the end, it's your choice, but that's what I have to say. Best of luck to you!

[ThatwasThen]

or, you can save yourself a disaster and get out now.

IMO if you do that because you THINK you love some other woman that you've not spend one moment of real life with, then you will be potentially making a huge ball of chit for a lot of people in your life including yourself.

 

If you leave then leave because you don't want to be married to the mother of your children any longer but do not hook up with someone who has helped you to cheat. Give up both women and see how you feel without either of your crutches.

[amii1]

IMO if you do that because you THINK you love some other woman that you've not spend one moment of real life with, then you will be potentially making a huge ball of chit for a lot of people in your life including yourself.

 

If you leave then leave because you don't want to be married to the mother of your children any longer but do not hook up with someone who has helped you to cheat. Give up both women and see how you feel without either of your crutches.

 

Yeah. If you're sure you've actually fallen for the woman like you say in the thread title, then I definitely recommend leaving, especially if this woman is more appealing than resolving the marital issues. I would wait a while time for your emotions to settle down (like you said, you could be clouded by early romance right now) and then think about this with a more calm mind. However, the fact that you're even considering leaving your wife over an early romance - that just speaks volumes to me, as if this new woman isn't what suddenly changed you, that if anything, she just highlighted your pre-existing unhappiness.

[MissCanuck]

OP, you are not doing right by your kids even now. You are putting an extraordinary amount of stress on their mother and upsetting the entire family dynamic, which you bet will hurt those children in the long-run. The fact that she is still pregnant makes this point even more significant; you hurt the mom, you hurt the baby. Think about that.

 

Look, the chances of a relationship working out with this other woman are slim to none. She's already stepped back, and I think it's unlikely she will leave her own marriage for you. Sure, it was fun when it was all a secret - but when reality punched you both in the face, she realized it's not what she wants.

 

However, this affair has brought to light a pantload of issues in your marriage that do need addressing. Like, yesterday. If you are unhappy enough to leave, it needs to be because you truly see no future with your wife and are okay being single. It is likely not going to mean leaving your marriage and having a relationship with this other woman. That happen sometimes, sure, but the odds are totally against you here. Stop any and all contact with her now, and focus on the very difficult decisions in front of you. The other woman will probably be only a memory a year from now, anyway.

[ThatwasThen]

Yeah. If you're sure you've actually fallen for the woman like you say in the thread title, then I definitely recommend leaving, especially if this woman is more appealing than resolving the marital issues. I would wait a while time for your emotions to settle down (like you said, you could be clouded by early romance right now) and then think about this with a more calm mind. However, the fact that you're even considering leaving your wife over an early romance - that just speaks volumes to me, as if this new woman isn't what suddenly changed you, that if anything, she just highlighted your pre-existing unhappiness.

If you understood codependency, you would understand that him leaving, without ever getting help for said codependency, will just (more likely then not) end him up in the same type of relationship dynamic that he left... not unlike what your own mother ended up doing when she jumped out of the frying pan and away from your father into the fire that your philandering stepfather turned out to be.

[amii1]

If you understood codependency, you would understand that him leaving, without ever getting help for said codependency, will just (more likely then not) end him up in the same type of relationship dynamic that he left... not unlike what your own mother ended up doing when she jumped out of the frying pan and away from your father into the fire that your philandering stepfather turned out to be.

 

Wow. That is not at all what happened with my mother. Let's keep things respectful here. Yikes, is all I can say in response to this.

[katrina1980]

From your original post:

 

>>I've been with my wife for 12.5 years (married for 5 next month) since I was 19 and she was 20. In general it has been a happy but turbulent relationship - we've had our ups and downs with depression, co-dependency, lots of arguing over large and small stuff. At times I've felt she's controlling and abusive (mentally and less frequently physically), and that has only exacerbated in recent years since we moved away from our friends to be closer to her hometown and had our first child. Last November we decided to have another child and she's now towards the later stages of pregnancy, so obviously there have been a lot of emotions and stress since then.

----

 

I've read everyone's posts, and while I 100% agree that people (in general) don't take their marital vows and commitment as seriously as once was, the above is quite telling.

 

First off, until this new woman, she is the only woman you've been with since you were 19. A true testament as to why people should wait, date and have relationships with many people before settling down in a marriage and having children.

 

Second, if I read your post correctly, your relationship has been rocky and turbulent even before you got married, so may I ask why you got married?

 

Now to your situation. Given that I grew up in a very unhappy home with a dad who was not happy married to my mom, and to cope distanced himself by having affairs (not proud to admit about my own dad but true), you are NOT doing your kids any great favors by remaining in what appears to be, a very unhappy marriage.

 

Quite the contrary, when your kids gets a bit older (or even now), they will sense your unhappiness, not to mention become witness to the fights, the tension, the turmoil, and it will have a very deep and profound effect on them, as it did with myself and my brother.

 

In fact, I can't say there is a correlation but I developed a very severe anxiety disorder as a teenager, and later was diagnosed with Bipolar 2.

 

I do relate the anxiety disorder to what I experienced growing up though, witnessing my parent's unhappy and extremely dysfunctional marriage.

 

That said, it's flat out wrong for you to pursue your feelings for this other woman while your wife is pregnant with your second (or third?) child.

 

It would be wrong for you to pursue it even if your wife wasn't pregnant, but given the fact she is, makes your behavior all the more egregious. It also lacks integrity.

 

If you are so unhappy in your marriage and you've tried every avenue, including marriage counseling to fix it, and things haven't improved or are getting worse, then after your wife delivers, consider and discuss with your wife filing for divorce.

 

After which you're free to pursue as many women as your heart desires, including this new woman.

 

Had I not witnessed the emotional destruction that remaining in a unhappy marriage can do, when one partner or both, are having affairs or thinking about having affairs (emotional or physical) or developing strong intense feelings for another, I might feel differently, but I did, and as I said it had a very powerful negative effect on me and my brother.

 

Both of us struggling with commitment issues, my brother more than I (and still is). And myself with my anxiety, among other issues, which I've taken steps to resolve, and have, but still struggling with others, and probably always will.

[rchubn]

Surpisingly there's men who kill their wives for this very reason. You gotta leave if you're not happy but that doesnt mean you should be inconsiderate about her feelings as well.

 

Getting dropped while pregnant is a womans worst fear. If you insist on ripping the bandaid and crushing her world, you could at least make sure you're not pursuing any new relationships during the pregnancy. It's not like she can go off and find someone else without being scrutinized

 

 

That is fair.

 

She shouldn't have to sit around pregnant with your kid while you go around doing whatever you like.

 

You should also realize that once you close that door, like once you break it off with her, there's a chance that you'll either: 1. Bail like a deadbeat or 2. Walk into the messiest custody agreement ever. You need to consider that before you do anything.

 

Are you dedicated to parenthood? If the mother dislikes you, are you still interested in the child and having the child in your life?

[katrina1980]

 

Surpisingly there's men who kill their wives for this very reason. You gotta leave if you're not happy but that doesnt mean you should be inconsiderate about her feelings as well.

 

 

Lacy Peterson comes to mind. 8 months pregnant, her husband Scott begins an intense affair with Amber Fry, and murdered her (Lacy).

 

Sadly, so many other stories just like this, but what makes Lacy Peterson's story so egregious is the fact she was pregnant.

 

Scott Peterson is currently on death row.

[SherrySher]

It makes me very sad that these women were good enough to impregnate but less than 8 months later they want to discard them. :(

 

No one deserves that kind of heartache.

[ThatwasThen]

Wow. That is not at all what happened with my mother. Let's keep things respectful here. Yikes, is all I can say in response to this.

Did you not say that your step father cheats on your mother? You did say this

My stepdad does cheat by the way

and you also said you wished your mother and step father would just leave one another.

 

Your mom jumped from one dysfunctional relationship into another dysfunctional relationship wherein her codependency keeps her with unsuitable men for far too long. Men who did not/do not respect her. Which leads me to believe how "functional" will the Op's relationship be with his 'other woman' who he barely knows and when he is, by all accounts, severely codependent and a product of his father's alcoholism?

 

I mean no disrespect I'm just pointing out that the Op will likely end up in the same boat as your mother if he doesn't work on his own codependency. Advising him to leave Is one thing, advising him to leave when he hasn't worked on his issues (and thereby possibly salvaging his marriage and being happy in it) is another.

 

Peace!

[amii1]

Did you not say that your step father cheats on your mother? You did say this and you also said you wished your mother and step father would just leave one another.

 

Your mom jumped from one dysfunctional relationship into another dysfunctional relationship wherein her codependency keeps her with unsuitable men for far too long. Men who did not/do not respect her. Which leads me to believe how "functional" will the Op's relationship be with his 'other woman' who he barely knows and when he is, by all accounts, severely codependent and a product of his father's alcoholism?

 

I mean no disrespect I'm just pointing out that the Op will likely end up in the same boat as your mother if he doesn't work on his own codependency. Advising him to leave Is one thing, advising him to leave when he hasn't worked on his issues (and thereby possibly salvaging his marriage and being happy in it) is another.

 

Peace!

 

My mother did not jump from one dysfunctional relationship into another, no idea where you got that from. I mentioned nothing about the years or relationships in between. Further, her relationships had little to do with codependency - I even mentioned abuse from her first marriage, and a lot of fear was obviously involved. The current has to do with the kids (the image of a successful marriage they give off), like I mentioned, and not each other. Religion is involved as well, where divorce is sinful and arranged marriages are the way, not to mention PTSD from the past, but I don’t have to go there. Even though you said you don’t mean disrespect, I find a description like “jumping from a frying pan into the fire” disrespectful, especially when that’s not the case, but also with all the assumptions, too. Anyways, I’m not interested in continuing this conversation. If we disagree, then we disagree. Please leave me alone. It’s upsetting to discuss my mother like this. My original response to you was in agreement to what you had said to the OP, where I just said ‘yeah’ and then added more of my thoughts to the OP. Didn’t mean to invoke a whole dialogue with you.

[ThatwasThen]

Well, I'm very sorry if I hit a nerve but I do have to say that I got "that" from your first post in this thread. Her relationships had everything to do with codependency and still does because instead of leaving a man that cheats on her, a man that you wish she would leave, she stays and suffers and as you mention, often cries about that.

I have not assumed, I only went on what you shared and wanted to alert the Op to look at what happened to your mother when she didn't get the help for her codependency and ended up once again in a dysfunctional relationship. Op does not have any of that in his marriage and I suspect didn't even dream about leaving his wife until the married woman at work came into his life and he tore down romantic relationship boundaries.

 

It was the adding of more of your thoughts that prompted me to respond again because I think it is important for the Op to understand about codependency so that he doesn't fall from the frying pan into the fire and he gets help for any codependency that growing up with an alcoholic often evokes. Personally, I think if HE gets into therapy with a good therapist proficient in codependency issues and him and his wife (and kids if they are old enough) get into family counseling, he won't even think about leaving her.

[loyal]

This new girl is exciting. She is the current hot commodity. She is the greener grass.

 

But you have a wife. If you have a wife, you should not be thinking about another relationship. You do not replace one with another! If things are not going well with your wife, you either fix them or you come to an agreement about ending your marriage. And if you agree to work on your marriage, you do not even entertain the idea of another woman. End of story.

 

The same goes for the other woman. She is married. How would you feel if your wife had a sidepiece?

 

When you married your wife, you promised her that she would be your only. You are breaking that promise. That is devastating. Are you OK with making her hurt? Are you OK with breaking her heart?

 

Ask yourself this: would you bring the other woman home and talk to her the way that you text her in front of your wife? If your answer is no, then you need to stop all contact. Immediately.

[amii1]

Well, I'm very sorry if I hit a nerve but I do have to say that I got "that" from your first post in this thread. Her relationships had everything to do with codependency and still does because instead of leaving a man that cheats on her, a man that you wish she would leave, she stays and suffers and as you mention, often cries about that.

I have not assumed, I only went on what you shared and wanted to alert the Op to look at what happened to your mother when she didn't get the help for her codependency and ended up once again in a dysfunctional relationship. Op does not have any of that in his marriage and I suspect didn't even dream about leaving his wife until the married woman at work came into his life and he tore down romantic relationship boundaries.

 

It was the adding of more of your thoughts that prompted me to respond again because I think it is important for the Op to understand about codependency so that he doesn't fall from the frying pan into the fire and he gets help for any codependency that growing up with an alcoholic often evokes. Personally, I think if HE gets into therapy with a good therapist proficient in codependency issues and him and his wife (and kids if they are old enough) get into family counseling, he won't even think about leaving her.

 

I’m not interested in continuing this conversation. If we disagree, then we disagree.

 

Still not interested and still disagree. Thanks.