What should I do with someone I love who disrespected me?

[SarahLancaster]

Oceane, what do you plan to do about all of this? Are you still texting him back? Have you told him that you were offended that he cancelled your meeting?

[caraviolin]

Why should it all be about being someone's priority? Shouldn't we leave people the space to live their own life & still love them for what they are?

 

The matter here is more disrespect than priority. When I told him I was coming he was enthusiastic about it & said he wanted to meet. Nobody forced him to say so, nobody forced to keep in touch, he was actually texting things like "I miss you sweetheart", "wish you were here hun" for months.

 

I'm ok about not being somebody's priority, especially someone I don't know well. But from his side promising to meet me & then declining just a few hours before the meeting is a sign of disrespect towards a human being, no matter if we're friends or we're in a relationship.

 

I've been learning to take what men tell me with a grain of salt. :/ Actions speak louder than words.

[catfeeder]

When someone tells you this:

friendship with sex

...decide whether that's good enough for you.

 

If not, then instead of responding with sex, simply tell the 'friend' that you'd rather pass on that because you are relationship material, but he can let you know if he ever views himself the same way.

 

Skip FWB stuff, it's for kids--and so are the results.

[katrina1980]

 

Why should it all be about being someone's priority?

Shouldn't we leave people the space to live their own life & still love them for what they are?

 

 

In your case, because he already made a commitment to see you on that day. So, on that day you were the priority for that reason or should have been.

 

At the last minute, he chose to break his commitment to see you and blow you off. Turned his phone off so you couldn't get in touch.

 

A man who lives thousands of miles away, so who knows when the next time to see you would be.

 

He did not care.

 

If that wasn't one of the most blatant displays of disrespect and disinterest, I don't know what would be.

 

For most women w even a shred of self-respect and self-esteem -- automatic deal breaker, next!

 

I simply cannot wrap my brain around how or why you would choose to carry on w him. What stories you are are telling yourself to justify such disrespect and disinterest.

 

Nevermind your feelings, how do you trust him?

 

If he is unable to keep even a simple commitment to see you, blowing you off last minute choosing instead to see a "friend," how in the world would you ever trust him to commit to a relationship or anything else?? Even seeing you again?

 

But this is your life. Not mine nor anyone's else's. Personally I think your "love" (title of your thread) is clouding your judgment, not uncommon, love can do some strange things to our brains.. Causes us to justify, rationalize, shuffle shyt under the rug.

 

In any event, as I said, if you're able to accept such a blatant disregard for your time, your feelings, honoring a commitment to see you that he made, that's your choice and wish you the best.

[MissCanuck]

Why should it all be about being someone's priority? Shouldn't we leave people the space to live their own life & still love them for what they are?

 

Yes, and he is showing you that seeing you wasn't a priority even after he'd already made plans with you. He had another option that was more appealing to him than following through on all those fluffy words he feeds you. And no, you don't need to love someone who does that. I am not sure where you got that idea.

 

Whether you want to classify it as a matter of respect or not being a priority is irrelevant to the overall issue: You are far more into him than he is into you. How you envision that working when you live a continent apart and hardly know each other is baffling. What is also troubling is that you say you love this man while in the same breath acknowledging that you don't know him well. What exactly do you love?

 

I have a feeling you get too easily hooked on the sweet nothings he sends you, and are having a hard time reconciling that with the lack of interest he's now demonstrated when he actually had the chance to see you and blew you off. Your attempts to rationalize and justify his behaviour are telling, in that it strongly suggests you tolerate crap that you shouldn't. Don't put so much weight on frilly words; it's clouding your better judgment here.

 

What are you getting out of this at the end of the day? This guy lives on the other side of the world and you don't know him well. He is not anywhere near as eager as you are when it really counts. He has been clear you're only friends who have sex sometimes, and he likely is seeing and having sex with other women when the opportunity arises. I am curious what sort of outcome you've already built up in your mind that you're so attached to.

[katrina1980]

Oceane, this has been said a trillion times on this and other forums.

 

We teach people how to treat us.

 

If you choose to carry on w him, expect more of the same.

 

Your choice.

[Wiseman2]

Don't repeat the same mistake.

My first bf was in a different country in Europe & we were together for more than 2 years. We would meet every month or 2.

[bluecastle]

I have a feeling you get too easily hooked on the sweet nothings he sends you, and are having a hard time reconciling that with the lack of interest he's now demonstrated when he actually had the chance to see you and blew you off. Your attempts to rationalize and justify his behaviour are telling, in that it strongly suggests you tolerate crap that you shouldn't. Don't put so much weight on frilly words; it's clouding your better judgment here.

 

What are you getting out of this at the end of the day? This guy lives on the other side of the world and you don't know him well. He is not anywhere near as eager as you are when it really counts. He has been clear you're only friends who have sex sometimes, and he likely is seeing and having sex with other women when the opportunity arises. I am curious what sort of outcome you've already built up in your mind that you're so attached to.

 

This.

 

My guess? The sweet words and the good sex triggered in your head a massive fantasy that is causing you to refuse to acknowledge reality. You've already entertained the idea, say, that maybe you'll move to the US, or maybe he'll move to Europe, that you'll spend the next year inside the world's greatest romance that leads to the world's hottest marriage—one that spans the globe and resets the course of your life.

 

What may be fueling that, I don't know. Are you a bit bored these days? Itching for a big change? Wouldn't be surprised if something like that was stirring. Also, I get the feeling that you're deeply frustrated by those crummy guys over the past 5 years, eager to make them a blip on the radar and affirm some idea that you've grown and matured into the person you want to be.

 

I get it, I do. Romance can have that affect on us, feeling like a window into a new life, a truer life. Been caught up in some whirlwinds that collapse myself. But this guy? He's not that—far, far from it, literally and figuratively. Subtract text messages and what you have is basically a one night stand that you're hung up on 3 months later.

 

His interest in you is minimal, limited, and nowhere in sync with your interest in him. He's not telling the same story you're telling. He has told you this very clearly in words (friendship with sex) and in actions (bailing when he could have seen you). If you keep engaging with him—well, that's all you'll get, a reality that actually pulls your further and further from the kind of connection you profess to want.

 

Per my earlier post, I'd challenge yourself to do some soul searching right now, to at least ask yourself if something is going on under the hood to allow you to get this caught up in someone you don't really know, who lives on the other side of the planet. Even in the best case scenario—a scenario that is not close to playing out right now—you'll be 30 or 31 before you've spent more than two weeks with him face to face.

 

I get that without real face time there's the seductive potential of storytelling, but you have only one life to live, one heart to share, and our time is not infinite.

[Hollyj]

Why should it all be about being someone's priority? Shouldn't we leave people the space to live their own life & still love them for what they are?

 

The matter here is more disrespect than priority. When I told him I was coming he was enthusiastic about it & said he wanted to meet. Nobody forced him to say so, nobody forced to keep in touch, he was actually texting things like "I miss you sweetheart", "wish you were here hun" for months.

 

I'm ok about not being somebody's priority, especially someone I don't know well. But from his side promising to meet me & then declining just a few hours before the meeting is a sign of disrespect towards a human being, no matter if we're friends or we're in a relationship.

 

Isn't being in relationship about being one's priority. I don't understand your thinking. You seem to expect VERY little. I guess that is why this is satisfactory to you.

[Hollyj]

I think that you need to deal with your self esteem issues. You are in no place to be in anything romantic. I will not classify this as a relationship, as it is not.

 

Do you have friends? What do they say about this?

[Oceane1990]

Hello, to answer your questions I'm not talking to him since he stood me up. The day we were supposed to meet I got his message saying he was sorry but he had to meet a friend and he'd call me later once he'd be done (he never called). I never texted back, & stopped checking his texts since then. I just know he's texting every day several times a day because I get notifications but I don't know what he says. I have been ignoring him for 10 days now . At this point, let's suppose he cares & he realized he made a mistake by treating me that way, what's the thing he should at least do so that he could prove me he is not an ******* & he really cares ? What sign other than words should I expect from him to make sure he cares? Some people don't realize the value of something until it's gone, and I think he likes chasing by nature (he's a bizdev BTW).

And yes about my personal issues, it's rare for me to like someone that much (it happens once every a few years), so yeah when I meet somebody I like that so much I'm deeply involved & get strong feelings which make me stubborn & fight until the end to make what I want happen

. This doesn't happen with every guy, and even if the emotions I feel when I meet someone I like are quite intense every time, I usually move on fast when I don't like the guy as much as I like this one.

[SarahLancaster]

Why don't you go one step further and just block his number so that he can't text you?

 

What do you think he should do? Throw himself on the ground before you and swear to love and keep you forever? What are you wanting from a guy you don't even know that well? From a guy who so casually blew you off for someone else?

 

You want to give him another chance? Fine, but don't be surprised if you get disappointed again.

[Hollyj]

You're not even in a relationship. You are his FWB.

 

We are going in circles. He already showed you with action that he does not care.

He lives on another continent and you possibly see one another a few times a year. Even if this recent event had not have happened, I do not understand why this is enough? You are getting older, don't you want someone you can see on a regular basis, and someone who actually wants a relationship with you?

 

I suggest you look at baggagereclaim.com for emotional unavailability, as you keep on choosing people where you cannot make a real commitment. It is strange.

[Oceane1990]

I've learned how to be happy on my own in my life. I couldn't force myself to look for someone just not to be alone. So whenever I have an attraction for someone, which is quite rare, I pursue it regardless of the context .

I also don't get to meet many people I could date in my place. It just doesn't happen even if I go out quite a lot.

[Hollyj]

I've learned how to be happy on my own in my life. I couldn't force myself to look for someone just not to be alone. So whenever I have an attraction for someone, which is quite rare, I pursue it regardless of the context .

I also don't get to meet many people I could date in my place. It just doesn't happen even if I go out quite a lot.

 

So you choose someone on another continent. That makes zero sense.

 

I too am happy, but I also want my partner to be within the same area. This has nothing to do with being happy, but accepting what is not acceptable.

 

Good luck! I'm out.

[katrina1980]

I don't get how they're even FWBs.

 

Don't you have to actually see each other in person for that?

 

If she chooses to re engage, they are essentially "pen" pals.

 

OP, if you're ok w that, no judgment from me.

 

Just don't have any expectations about it being more, that's all.

 

Just enjoy your electronic interaction for what it is, not what you want and hope it will be.

 

His actions suggest he does not want what you want..

 

He's inundating you w texts now not because he likes you, he likes the challenge because you're ignoring him, big difference.

[Oceane1990]

So you choose someone on another continent. That makes zero sense.

 

I too am happy, but I also want my partner to be within the same area. This has nothing to do with being happy, but accepting what is not acceptable.

 

Good luck! I'm out.

It's not about choosing, it has just happened. It's the first time I get these feelings for somebody who lives so far away. I had other long distance relationships with people in the same continent, which I ended with no effort when things started getting hard. But this time it's more complicated to just let everything go, with this guy :(

[katrina1980]

Actually you are choosing him. By choosing to continue w this drama, you are choosing him.

 

You can also make the choice to un-choose him too, and walk away.

 

But it sounds like you're too deeply entrenched in this fantasy image of him you're created, so I'm choosing to bow out of discussion and really do wish you the best.

[MissCanuck]

But this time it's more complicated to just let everything go, with this guy :(

 

Let what go, exactly?

 

There isn't really that much to let go of, for all intents and purposes. You're not dating. You've met a few times. He's lukewarm about you. It seems to me you're hanging on to a fantasy that doesn't actually have a lot of basis in reality.

[bluecastle]

I've learned how to be happy on my own in my life. I couldn't force myself to look for someone just not to be alone. So whenever I have an attraction for someone, which is quite rare, I pursue it regardless of the context. I also don't get to meet many people I could date in my place. It just doesn't happen even if I go out quite a lot.

 

Again, I challenge you to at least entertain the idea that part of what you find so attractive about this man is the context: that the distance—a geographic form of flakiness—is part of the draw and part of why you're so willing to rationalize his flakiness.

 

And I challenge you to at least ask if that draw is connected to some place inside your own life where you're not happy, but looking for something—something "out there"—to be the thing that brings happiness.

 

As others are saying: there's not really much here to be excited about, but plenty to be bored with, disappointed by, twisted up over. The only thing giving any of this meaning or potential is in your brain. Out in the actual world and away from the phone he's just a guy playing the field, having some fun, and being totally open about that in words and actions.

[Hollyj]

Actually you are choosing him. By choosing to continue w this drama, you are choosing him.

 

You can also make the choice to un-choose him too, and walk away.

 

But it sounds like you're too deeply entrenched in this fantasy image of him you're created, so I'm choosing to bow out of discussion and really do wish you the best.

 

What she fails to acknowledge is that he is not choosing her.

[Oceane1990]

Again, I challenge you to at least entertain the idea that part of what you find so attractive about this man is the context: that the distance—a geographic form of flakiness—is part of the draw and part of why you're so willing to rationalize his flakiness.

 

And I challenge you to at least ask if that draw is connected to some place inside your own life where you're not happy, but looking for something—something "out there"—to be the thing that brings happiness.

 

As others are saying: there's not really much here to be excited about, but plenty to be bored with, disappointed by, twisted up over. The only thing giving any of this meaning or potential is in your brain. Out in the actual world and away from the phone he's just a guy playing the field, having some fun, and being totally open about that in words and actions.

 

Thanks for your insights & yeah it may be they I'm not fully happy with my life, but this is not the reason why I have chosen this guy. I also had normal relationships with people nearby being in the same state of mind. Which turned out to be worse than this one because guys just disappeared after we had sex, or they were already married. I'll tell you more, when I met him (a guy living in the same city) , he wasn't married, he got married in between, was married for 3 years, their marriage didn't work out & eventually they divorced, after waiting for him for years the guy chose to be in relationship with another girl not me. This is just one of the MANY disappointments I had with people nearby... I'm tired of changing people all the time & not motivated to look for new people so I just prefer to try to make something I already have work, with somebody I like a lot who at least keeps in touch & thinks about me every day even if we haven't met for 3 months & we live in different continents.

[Oceane1990]

Also, when should we tell guys we're looking for a serious relationship without putting pressure on them? There are many advices saying that if we want to be serious with someone whe shouldn't sleep with them soon... At the same time if we like someone & we're physically attracted by them why isn't it OK to just follow what we feel naturally & sleep with them soon? & at the same time how can we avoid them thinking that all we want is just sex?

About not sleeping with someone soon, I can also tell that I slept quite fast with 2 of the 3 guys who were in a serious relationship with me for years. Which proves that somebody can be serious even if you sleep with them soon... Other times I made guys wait 2 or 3 months & after we slept together they disappeared or were not that involved anymore.

How can we understand if someone is going to be serious with us? How can me make them understand that we are serious relationship material without putting pressure on them? I told this guy I met in the States that for me people had sex only if they were in a serious relationship & he said he agreed & that he wanted to see if this could become something more (we knew each other since 4 months already when we slept together)

[Oceane1990]

Again, I challenge you to at least entertain the idea that part of what you find so attractive about this man is the context: that the distance—a geographic form of flakiness—is part of the draw and part of why you're so willing to rationalize his flakiness.

 

And I challenge you to at least ask if that draw is connected to some place inside your own life where you're not happy, but looking for something—something "out there"—to be the thing that brings happiness.

 

As others are saying: there's not really much here to be excited about, but plenty to be bored with, disappointed by, twisted up over. The only thing giving any of this meaning or potential is in your brain. Out in the actual world and away from the phone he's just a guy playing the field, having some fun, and being totally open about that in words and actions.

 

Thanks for your insights & yeah it may be they I'm not fully happy with my life, but this is not the reason why I have chosen this guy. I also had normal relationships with people nearby being in the same state of mind. Which turned out to be worse than this one because guys just disappeared after we had sex, or they were already married. I'll tell you more, when I met him (a guy living in the same city) , he wasn't married, he got married in between, was married for 3 years, their marriage didn't work out & eventually they divorced, after waiting for him for years the guy chose to be in relationship with another girl not me. This is just one of the MANY disappointments I had with people nearby... I'm tired of changing people all the time & not motivated to look for new people so I just prefer to try to make something I already have work, with somebody I like a lot who at least keeps in touch & thinks about me every day even if we haven't met for 3 months & we live in different continents.

Why should he keep in touch with me if no interest at all? OK ego booster, but doesn't he have plenty of girls nearby he can meet & text to? I understand he doesn't love me, he has other priorities but why can't we see him as someone in between being in love & being totally disinterested? Because I believe that's what it is. Why not trying to turn him being "in the middle" into something more positive? What could be the best way to do this successfully?

[Hollyj]

Thanks for your insights & yeah it may be they I'm not fully happy with my life, but this is not the reason why I have chosen this guy. I also had normal relationships with people nearby being in the same state of mind. Which turned out to be worse than this one because guys just disappeared after we had sex, or they were already married. I'll tell you more, when I met him (a guy living in the same city) , he wasn't married, he got married in between, was married for 3 years, their marriage didn't work out & eventually they divorced, after waiting for him for years the guy chose to be in relationship with another girl not me. This is just one of the MANY disappointments I had with people nearby... I'm tired of changing people all the time & not motivated to look for new people so I just prefer to try to make something I already have work, with somebody I like a lot who at least keeps in touch & thinks about me every day even if we haven't met for 3 months & we live in different continents.

 

The problem here, is you! You have terrible taste in men. To wait for someone who dumped you for another for years, is sad.

 

Your dating history speaks to very low self esteem and zero boundaries. I strongly suggest you seek therapy, and not date for a long while. How can others respect you, if you do not respect yourself.

 

What you have experienced is not the norm. Your picker is way off.

 

OP, I do not understand why you came here. We have all said the same thing, but you have no interest in listening. This is one of the reasons you always end up in these crap relationships.