What should I do with someone I love who disrespected me?

[MissCanuck]

He also said this may turn in something else & said he was planning to come to Europe in the summer spend 3 weeks together.

 

Eh, and then what? You already know that what he says doesn't mean much. His behaviour is doing the talking and it isn't the behaviour of someone who is taking you seriously. You'll have a fun three weeks, if it actually happens, and then he'll be on his way again.

 

This very likely isn't going to end the way you hope, OP.

[katrina1980]

Because I have feelings for him & I prefer to focus on positive possibilities rather than just destroying everything.

I also think that if he didn't care at all he would just block me & not talk to me at all. Why should he waste time on keeping in touch with me while he could just have sex with girls in his town if that's the only thing he wants?

If he just wanted to keep me available for sex only again it would be weird because we live so far away & we can't have sex any time we want. And when sex was actually available last week he didn't show up!

 

I'm not getting your logic here, it seems quite twisted actually.

 

He disrespected me because he kept telling me for several days that he was looking forward to meeting me that day, we made plans which means I changed my plans to meet him. If he didn't want to meet that 'd be perfectly fine we are not together we could have met another time. He disrespected me because he made me make special plans to meet him, then he told me last minute he wasn't able to come anymore & also turned off his phone. This is disrespect towards another human being.

 

By your own admission above, he disrespected you and treated you quite poorly.

 

But because you have feelings, you prefer to ignore this huge red flag, which btw also suggests the guy doesn't give a cr**, and focus on the positive?

 

Which is what exactly? Text messages?

 

Just me, but I wouldn't hold my breath on ever spending any real time with this bozo again.

 

Well I take that back, you might, if he's ever in your area again, and assuming he doesn't get a better offer like last time, but would this be good enough for you?

 

Why does he continue texting you? Because he likes the attention and because he knows how into him you are, it's a huge ego boost for him. And he's likely texting other women as well for same reason.

 

It's the boost he needs to successfully hit on and hook up with other women locally, which is what he did the night he flaked on you and turned off his phone. Please don't kid yourself about that.

 

As I said, he likes the attention and ego boost you give him and knows just what to say to continue getting it.

 

If he actually "cared" or were even remotely into you, he would not have stood you up the way he did, or turned off his phone.

 

This really should have been an automatic deal breaker and yes imo, it was completely disrespectful, rude and certainly not indicative of a man who "cares."

 

I'm sorry, I know this is the last thing you want to hear, but I really do think your feelings are clouding your good judgment.

 

I've done it too, so I understand. But I just don't see this working out well for you at all, I'm sorry.

[Oceane1990]

I'm not getting your logic here, it seems

 

 

 

By your own admission above, he disrespected you and treated you quite poorly.

 

But because you have feelings, you prefer to ignore this huge red flag, which btw also suggests the guy doesn't give a cr**, and focus on the positive?

 

Which is what exactly? Text messages?

 

Just me, but I wouldn't hold my breath on ever spending any real time with this bozo again.

 

Well I take that back, you might, if he's ever in your area again, and assuming he doesn't get a better offer like last time, but would this be good enough for you?

 

Why does he continue texting you? Because he likes the attention and because he knows how into him you are, it's a huge ego boost for him. And he's likely texting other women as well for same reason.

 

It's the boost he needs to successfully hit on and hook up with other women locally, which is what he did the night he flaked on you and turned off his phone. Please don't kid yourself about that.

 

As I said, he likes the attention and ego boost you give him and knows just what to say to continue getting it.

 

If he actually "cared" or were even remotely into you, he would not have stood you up the way he did, or turned off his phone.

 

This really should have been an automatic deal breaker and yes imo, it was completely disrespectful, rude and certainly not indicative of a man who "cares."

 

I'm sorry, I know this is the last thing you want to hear, but I really do think your feelings are clouding your good judgment.

 

I've done it too, so I understand. But I just don't see this working out well for you at all, I'm sorry.

 

Thank you for your great advice! That makes a lot of sense.

About dating other women instead of me, pls let's keep it logical. He told me he had a friend's birthday. I think it's very important not to assume things we are not sure of, I screwed up my last relationship thinking that my ex was cheating while he was not :)

Anyway people date whoever they want, cheat whenever they want & there isn't anything we can really do about that. If they want to cheat or date somebody else they'll always find a way. The only thing we can do is being so cool that they won't want anybody else!

[katrina1980]

About the bday, fair enough but then why the need to turn off his phone?

 

I mean what's the point of that unless he's hiding something, and could he not have seen you afterward for a bit?

 

And no I absolutely 1000% disagree that we should be "cool" so a man won't want anyone else.

 

May I ask where you got this mindset from?

 

Well actually nevermind, I already know cause believe it or not I used to believe this too, I even created a thread about it, it was one of my earliest threads.

 

How we like to pretend we're so "cool" w everything so we won't scare men away and they will want us more!

 

Boy have I learned it's actually the exact opposite!

 

I have learned that all "being cool" will get you is a man who has zero respect for you, views you as a doormat w no boundaries, certainly not a woman to have a relationship with and fall in love with.

 

Men fall in love w women who respect themselves and strong enough to maintain proper boundaries.

 

Not a doormat who tolerates their bullshyt!

 

That does not mean calling him out on his bullshyt, not this early.

 

Just walk away, the end.

 

Respect yourself first.

[Hollyj]

About the bday, fair enough but then why the need to turn off his phone?

 

I mean what's the point of that unless he's hiding something, and could he not have seen you afterward for a bit?

 

And no I absolutely 1000% disagree that we should be "cool" so a man won't want anyone else.

 

May I ask where you got this mindset from?

 

Well actually nevermind, I already know cause believe it or not I used to believe this too, I even created a thread about it, it was one of my earliest threads.

 

How we like to pretend we're so "cool" w everything so we won't scare men away and they will want us more!

 

Boy have I learned it's actually the exact opposite!

 

I have learned that all "being cool" will get you is a man who has zero respect for you, views you as a doormat w no boundaries, certainly not a woman to have a relationship with and fall in love with.

 

Men fall in love w women who respect themselves and strong enough to maintain proper boundaries.

 

Not a doormat who tolerates their bullshyt!

 

It seems that she will have to put herself through a lot more pain. I guarantee she will be back here in the summer, after things fall apart.

[katrina1980]

It seems that she will have to put herself through a lot more pain. I guarantee she will be back here in the summer, after things fall apart.

 

I know Holls but I feel better for posting it.

 

Maybe it will get her thinking a bit, maybe not.

 

Her choice.

[Oceane1990]

Actually what I didn't like was that he told me about his friend's birthday exactly on the same day we were supposed to meet! While he's been talking about meeting up (the 2 of us) for more than a week, telling me how excited he was & sending me videos of him saying he was looking forward to seeing me. If there's a friend's birthday do we just get to know it on the birthday party date? Weird. And even if that was the case, he was already committed to coming to see me, if he was a nice guy he'd declined the last minute birthday as he had already different plans with me.its not a matter of being in relationship with me, it's a matter of being a correct human being & respecting his engagements.

 

As for the mindset of being cool to guys... Well I've learned it from the past. My ex was a cool guy, we lived together, he asked me to move to his flat only after 2 months of knowing each other. However he used to spend too much of his free time with his friends so I made a mess about it & screw up a good relationship :(

[katrina1980]

Well when "in" the relationship and you feel you are being disrespected or otherwise being treated poorly, there is a way to approach this w him without making a "mess" of it.

 

Not this early though, just walk.

 

And I think you should be cool w certain things, like him spending times w friends. You should spend times with friends too!

 

Taking space for yourself and him doing same can be a good thing, imo.

 

It's all about balance.

 

That said, if he is spending all his free time w friends, and none w you, no you should not be cool with that but again there is a way to approach and discuss without losing your "cool" and making a mess of it.

 

If he gets defensive and starts turning it on you, calling you insecure or whatever, wish him well and say goodbye.

 

Self-respect, Boundaries and balance.

[Hollyj]

Actually what I didn't like was that he told me about his friend's birthday exactly on the same day we were supposed to meet! While he's been talking about meeting up (the 2 of us) for more than a week, telling me how excited he was & sending me videos of him saying he was looking forward to seeing me. If there's a friend's birthday do we just get to know it on the birthday party date? Weird. And even if that was the case, he was already committed to coming to see me, if he was a nice guy he'd declined the last minute birthday as he had already different plans with me.its not a matter of being in relationship with me, it's a matter of being a correct human being & respecting his engagements.

 

As for the mindset of being cool to guys... Well I've learned it from the past. My ex was a cool guy, we lived together, he asked me to move to his flat only after 2 months of knowing each other. However he used to spend too much of his free time with his friends so I made a mess about it & screw up a good relationship :(

 

 

Then, why are you going to continue with this?

[Oceane1990]

Well when "in" the relationship and you feel you are being disrespected or otherwise being treated poorly, there is a way to approach this w him without making a "mess" of it.

 

And I think you should be cool w certain things, like him spending times w friends. You should spend times with friends too!

 

Taking space for yourself and him can be a good thing, imo.

 

It's all about balance.

 

That said, if he is spending all his free time w friends, and none w you, no you should not be cool with that but again there is a way to approach and discuss without losing your "cool" and making a mess of it.

 

If he gets defensive and starts turning it on you, calling you insecure or whatever, wish him well and say goodbye.

 

Self-respect, Boundaries and balance.

 

Haha yes you're definitely right. The spending time with friends problem wasn't with this guy but with a previous one & yeah I didn't handle our communication well enough :/ I was quite immature.

 

Right now I don't want my new (potential) relationships to end up in a fight so I try to figure out what is acceptable & what is not. This guy we're talking about also let me down because of his friends, & texted me several times to try to fix things. Which I didn't answer yet. Maybe I should give him a chance? (If so, how to do it without being needy or making him feel I'm forcing him to do be in a relationship but still gettin him to be serious) ?

[Oceane1990]

Then, why are you going to continue with this?

Because if he still keeps looking for me & talking I believe there is an interest from his side.

I've been with guys who were not interested & just wanted sex with me, they blocked me straight after or never answered

[bluecastle]

Just going to chime in here with some thoughts.

 

You're 29, you live in Europe; he's 34, lives in the US. That alone is a near impossible gap to bridge. I can't help but wonder why you're so intent on even trying to bridge it with a guy who you barely know, who is hardly showing you interest, and who, when he had a chance to see you in 3D, didn't prioritize...well, seeing you.

 

What I see, right there, is that you may have some commitment issues of your own—that you may enjoy the fantasy of it all more than the reality. And, in that, I think you guys are basically flip sides of the same coin.

 

When you decide you want a real connection, with real potential, something like this will be met with nothing but a shrug. But until you resolve whatever it is that's keeping you bent on exploring this in your mind—as opposed to exploring something with another person—I think you'll find yourself drawn to pretty unavailable dudes.

[katrina1980]

Haha yes you're definitely right. The spending time with friends problem wasn't with this guy but with a previous one & yeah I didn't handle our communication well enough :/ I was quite immature.

 

Right now I don't want my new (potential) relationships to end up in a fight so I try to figure out what is acceptable & what is not. This guy we're talking about also let me down because of his friends, & texted me several times to try to fix things. Which I didn't answer yet. Maybe I should give him a chance? (If so, how to do it without being needy or making him feel I'm forcing him to do be in a relationship but still gettin him to be serious) ?

 

Well, I could give you a list of what's acceptable and not acceptable to me but it would take too long and you need to learn for yourself.

 

What's acceptable/not acceptable to you.

 

If being stood up last minute with a bogus excuse you're not even buying and admitted was distrespectful is "acceptable" to you, have at it.

 

If you believe sending text messages, that he's most likely sending for attention and ego boost is "acceptable" to you, then carry on.

 

It would not be acceptable to me or most other women I know, I can tell you that.

 

And I also highly doubt you are "scoring any points" w him either, and all your being cool and acceptance will get you is more disrespect...

 

But hell if you can enjoy texting with him with absolutely zero expectations for more or that you will ever even see him again, then have fun!

 

I once had tons of fun simply chatting with a man on line who lived in a different country thousands of miles away knowing we would probably never meet, which we never did.

 

Difference between him and this guy is he never bs'd me the way this guy is doing.

 

He was always very honest with me which made a huge difference.

 

Anyway, just be honest w yourself about it and stop telling yourself stories that he "cares" cause if he did, he would not have flaked on you the way he did, among other things.

 

Best of luck.

[IAmFCA]

Once you realize you can't get him to be serious (that has to come from within him), it will be easier to speak your mind and to heck with what he thinks.

 

"I am interested in dating only for the purpose of finding, choosing, sorting for the potential of a serious relationship."

 

and make choices consistent with that.

 

at the same time, live in each moment, without burden of what it means or what it foretells. It is about what you want, and not about whether someone else is good enough. We all are good enough, yet we offer distinctly individual skills and shortcomings.

 

So. If you can deal with it and want to, then do. Or don't. There is no right answer.

[IAmFCA]

As to this specific trip to the US: my guess is that he couldn't meet you because it would have caused someone he is seeing locally to leave him.

 

For whatever reason -- it all comes back to seeing your own power. You chose this situation. He didn't disrespect you, and you didn't disrespect yourself.... unless you ignored his words. Sure he said, it could become something else. What does that mean? Did you think about it? It means... It could, or, it couldn't become something more. Either way, today it is or was a casual situation. It does NOT say he has intention of creating something more, and without intention, his behavior was perfectly logical.

 

See your power: not to change others, rather, to choose what you want and let go of what you don't. If you don't want to be second to a local gf, or friend, or whatever, then ghost. No complaints for him, none needed. Eyes forward. Turn the page.

[Hollyj]

Well when "in" the relationship and you feel you are being disrespected or otherwise being treated poorly, there is a way to approach this w him without making a "mess" of it.

 

Not this early though, just walk.

 

And I think you should be cool w certain things, like him spending times w friends. You should spend times with friends too!

 

Taking space for yourself and him doing same can be a good thing, imo.

 

It's all about balance.

 

That said, if he is spending all his free time w friends, and none w you, no you should not be cool with that but again there is a way to approach and discuss without losing your "cool" and making a mess of it.

 

If he gets defensive and starts turning it on you, calling you insecure or whatever, wish him well and say goodbye.

 

Self-respect, Boundaries and balance.

 

They have only met three times. They live on different continents.

[Hollyj]

Because if he still keeps looking for me & talking I believe there is an interest from his side.

I've been with guys who were not interested & just wanted sex with me, they blocked me straight after or never answered

 

It is texting! You live on different continents. he did not make any effort to see you the last time you visited.

 

Why hasn't he come to see you?

 

You live on different continents!

[katrina1980]

Just going to chime in here with some thoughts.

 

You're 29, you live in Europe; he's 34, lives in the US. That alone is a near impossible gap to bridge. I can't help but wonder why you're so intent on even trying to bridge it with a guy who you barely know, who is hardly showing you interest, and who, when he had a chance to see you in 3D, didn't prioritize...well, seeing you.

 

What I see, right there, is that you may have some commitment issues of your own—that you may enjoy the fantasy of it all more than the reality. And, in that, I think you guys are basically flip sides of the same coin.

 

When you decide you want a real connection, with real potential, something like this will be met with nothing but a shrug. But until you resolve whatever it is that's keeping you bent on exploring this in your mind—as opposed to exploring something with another person—I think you'll find yourself drawn to pretty unavailable dudes.

 

This!! Cut and paste to your fridge and read every morn it's 100% spot on!

 

You both have commitment issues!

 

Yours passive, his active.

 

Two sides of the same coin.

[katrina1980]

They have only met three times. They live on different continents.

 

I was referring to her ex bf who she said spent all his free time w his friends, they lived together.

[IAmFCA]

Sometimes, a person puts down some good mojo and the other party gets all tangled up.

 

Good looks good sex good job. Once or twice a quarter, no muss no fuss. Sounds like a perfect fwb to me. Relationship? Nah. Even if in the same city, how would you possibly know already? You wouldn't.

 

I am with someone I have known for over 15 years. When we decided to date, it required our intentiom to stay together. Knowing each other doesn't mean we can tell whether we make good relationship and life partners. We still have had to work to figure that out (and that is ongoing).

 

This isn't love.

[Hollyj]

I was referring to her ex bf who she said spent all his free time w his friends, they lived together.

 

Sorry.......

[Oceane1990]

Thanks for your great comments. I don't think distance is the real problem here. Long distance relationships exist. People eventually move for each other. My first bf was in a different country in Europe & we were together for more than 2 years. We would meet every month or 2.

[MissCanuck]

Thanks for your great comments. I don't think distance is the real problem here. Long distance relationships exist. People eventually move for each other. My first bf was in a different country in Europe & we were together for more than 2 years. We would meet every month or 2.

 

Of course, but this guy isn't showing you he wants that. If you are hoping this will develop into something serious, I think you are going to be very disappointed.

 

He had the chance to see you, but he bailed to do something he was more interested in. You are not his priority, no matter how you slice it. Someone who is a good candidate for a long-distance relationship would be more enthusiastic about seeing you on the rare occasion it is actually possible. This one left you hanging and opted to let go of that chance. That should tell you something about his genuine interest in you - it is low.

[Oceane1990]

Why should it all be about being someone's priority? Shouldn't we leave people the space to live their own life & still love them for what they are?

 

The matter here is more disrespect than priority. When I told him I was coming he was enthusiastic about it & said he wanted to meet. Nobody forced him to say so, nobody forced to keep in touch, he was actually texting things like "I miss you sweetheart", "wish you were here hun" for months.

 

I'm ok about not being somebody's priority, especially someone I don't know well. But from his side promising to meet me & then declining just a few hours before the meeting is a sign of disrespect towards a human being, no matter if we're friends or we're in a relationship.

[boltnrun]

Why should it all be about being someone's priority? Shouldn't we leave people the space to live their own life & still love them for what they are?

 

The matter here is more disrespect than priority. When I told him I was coming he was enthusiastic about it & said he wanted to meet. Nobody forced him to say so, nobody forced to keep in touch, he was actually texting things like "I miss you sweetheart", "wish you were here hun" for months.

 

I'm ok about not being somebody's priority, especially someone I don't know well. But from his side promising to meet me & then declining just a few hours before the meeting is a sign of disrespect towards a human being, no matter if we're friends or we're in a relationship.

 

And yet, you want to continue?