What should I do with someone I love who disrespected me?

[Sportster2005]

I (f 29) live in Europe & in met a guy (m 35) who lives in the United States about 6 months ago when I went to the USA for work . He started texting me asking to hang out. I come to the USA once every month or 2 for a few days for work & and we usually meet in a professional context. I asked him what he was looking for with me, he said a long lasting friendship with sex but that this may also turn into something more if we both felt it at some point. A couple of months ago we finally had sex, then I went back to Europe & we kept in touch almost every day by text. I asked him several times when we would meet again, he would say "soon" without giving a specific date. Then finally I had to go to the USA again for work last week & asked him if he wanted to meet. He said yes, but on the day we were supposed to meet he finally didn't show up saying he was sorry but he had to meet a friend. I finally went back to Europe without meeting him. I got really disappointed & started ignoring him. Since then, he's texting me every day, which I don't answer. I don't understand his behavior, why did he not come if he was interested? Why is he texting me if he is not interested? I miss him a lot & I'm sad but I'm also aware his behavior was disrespectful towards me. We live 10.000km away so it's not like we can meet whenever we want. We haven't seen each other for almost 3 months now. What should I do? How could I turn this into something positive? Or should I just let it go considering the distance between us & his lack of respect from his side last time? Anyone had any psychological explanation on why he behaved like that? (didn't show up, but texts me 1000 messages since then knowing that we're so far away & it doesn't make sense at all). Also, I've never told him I love him because I didn't want to put any pressure on him (think it's too early). For now, I just wanted to meet him to see how things could go. I've always showed care towards him while together , even if I never told him I love him. Thanks for your help!

 

Here's the thing. The psychology of it is irrelevant. It's simpler than you think. It's how he behaves, not what he says. He chose not to meet you. That's the only thing that matters. There was no good reason, just a lame excuse.

 

The way to make this positive is see it as a valuable lesson and move on. Don't make this mistake again. When people treat you like crap discard them immediately, quickly and with finality. Life is too short to play psychologist. The reason is always simple. They simply aren't interested.

[Hollyj]

Here's the thing. The psychology of it is irrelevant. It's simpler than you think. It's how he behaves, not what he says. He chose not to meet you. That's the only thing that matters. There was no good reason, just a lame excuse.

 

The way to make this positive is see it as a valuable lesson and move on. Don't make this mistake again. When people treat you like crap discard them immediately, quickly and with finality. Life is too short to play psychologist. The reason is always simple. They simply aren't interested.

 

Unfortunately, she has repeated this behavior many times.

[Sportster2005]

Unfortunately, she has repeated this behavior many times.

 

I had to do stupid things a few times before it set in :) Here's hoping she'll figure it out.

[bluecastle]

The irony here is that this guy in the US has already shown you to be no different from the sort of guys who have frustrated you, hurt you, and wounded you. Do you not see that?

 

He texted a bit, slept with you. After sleeping with you, he turned into a flake, another disappointment. Yet you're already doing the very thing you profess to be tired of: trying to change him, living off breadcrumbs, inventing a man in your head who is not a reality in your life, hoping he'll change, breaking your brain (and a piece of your heart) to accommodate a fantasy at the expense of your true emotional well-being.

 

You're turning a very small disappointment into a major one, starving yourself and calling it a meal. That's your doing, not someone else's, and until you're able to see that clearly these are the sort of experiences (and disappointments) you'll keep having. This is not something that is just "happening" to you; no, you're actively seeking and maintaining these experiences, without realizing it.

 

As for what to make of him texting you? It's simple: he's a single dude who is blunt about wanting good times, who is maintaining a constellation of potential good times. Nothing wrong with that, it's what a lot of single people do. Some do it on the search for commitment, and those ones you can spot quickly: they show sustained interest in you, generally live near you, and quickly cut off the other sources of attention to explore a real thing with you. Others do it to avoid commitment, and they're just as easily to spot: they flake and toss breadcrumbs and leave you feeling hollowed out.

 

Texting makes it easy, since you can text 10 people "thinking about you, sweetheart" while sitting on the toilet. You can text the cool girl in Europe you had a thing with and, a second later, text the cool girl up the street to see if she feels like meeting for happy hour. I can with near certainty assure you that just because he's texting you doesn't mean he's not texting others, seeing others, pursuing others, having sex with others. As another said, I'd imagine that's what happened when you tried to see him. He'd double-booked that night, and he opted for the option that was spiciest just then. Then, back on the toilet, he shot you a text or twelve.

 

That's his prerogative, and he's been up front with it. If you want to turn his toilet texts into the holy gold of a man who is thinking about you daily and nobly trying to bridge an ocean to remain in your life—well, that's your prerogative. But your posts here—to say nothing of what I suspect is a feeling of pain and emptiness in your spirit—are evidence that this route is not satisfying you.

 

With all due respect, I think you've got some real issues that need to be untangled. I get that dating hasn't been a walk in the park in your homeland, but newsflash: that's dating, not a walk in the park anywhere. I've been burned and bummed a bit dating around my city in the pursuit of a sustainable connection: had a woman sleep with me for a very hot four days, then bail for something spicier. I mourned her for 8 minutes—and, hey, the sex was great!—then moved on. Had a woman who seemed really promising for a few months turn out to be disappointing. Mourned that for a few weeks—plenty of positives there too!—and moved on. So it goes. Not the women for me. Didn't mean the answer was for me to start texting someone who lives in Europe or Asia, because for me the prospect of flying to Europe or Asia to get laid twice a year is not the sort of thing I was seeking, you dig?

 

What I'm saying is that you seem to think this guy is "safe" because he's far away, and yet what's it gotten you? More of the same danger you found on your home turf, by the sounds of it.

 

Last thing I'll say, just to remind you of the difference between real connection and digital connection: It took me maybe five minutes to write this post—longer than a "thinking about you, sweetheart" text, and maybe more thoughtful and tuned into your emotions than anything this guy has given. but still: it's just a tiny blip in my day, as I'm just a tiny blip in your life as you are in mine.

 

And, alas, as you are in his. Your heart and ego don't want to admit that, but if you can rise above that you'll actually be taking a step closer to finding what you really want.

[Hollyj]

I had to do stupid things a few times before it set in :) Here's hoping she'll figure it out.

 

Me too, but this seems to be her dating pattern. More than "a few times."

[Oceane1990]

The irony here is that this guy in the US has already shown you to be no different from the sort of guys who have frustrated you, hurt you, and wounded you. Do you not see that?

 

He texted a bit, slept with you. After sleeping with you, he turned into a flake, another disappointment. Yet you're already doing the very thing you profess to be tired of: trying to change him, living off breadcrumbs, inventing a man in your head who is not a reality in your life, hoping he'll change, breaking your brain (and a piece of your heart) to accommodate a fantasy at the expense of your true emotional well-being.

 

You're turning a very small disappointment into a major one, starving yourself and calling it a meal. That's your doing, not someone else's, and until you're able to see that clearly these are the sort of experiences (and disappointments) you'll keep having. This is not something that is just "happening" to you; no, you're actively seeking and maintaining these experiences, without realizing it.

 

As for what to make of him texting you? It's simple: he's a single dude who is blunt about wanting good times, who is maintaining a constellation of potential good times. Nothing wrong with that, it's what a lot of single people do. Some do it on the search for commitment, and those ones you can spot quickly: they show sustained interest in you, generally live near you, and quickly cut off the other sources of attention to explore a real thing with you. Others do it to avoid commitment, and they're just as easily to spot: they flake and toss breadcrumbs and leave you feeling hollowed out.

 

Texting makes it easy, since you can text 10 people "thinking about you, sweetheart" while sitting on the toilet. You can text the cool girl in Europe you had a thing with and, a second later, text the cool girl up the street to see if she feels like meeting for happy hour. I can with near certainty assure you that just because he's texting you doesn't mean he's not texting others, seeing others, pursuing others, having sex with others. As another said, I'd imagine that's what happened when you tried to see him. He'd double-booked that night, and he opted for the option that was spiciest just then. Then, back on the toilet, he shot you a text or twelve.

 

That's his prerogative, and he's been up front with it. If you want to turn his toilet texts into the holy gold of a man who is thinking about you daily and nobly trying to bridge an ocean to remain in your life—well, that's your prerogative. But your posts here—to say nothing of what I suspect is a feeling of pain and emptiness in your spirit—are evidence that this route is not satisfying you.

 

With all due respect, I think you've got some real issues that need to be untangled. I get that dating hasn't been a walk in the park in your homeland, but newsflash: that's dating, not a walk in the park anywhere. I've been burned and bummed a bit dating around my city in the pursuit of a sustainable connection: had a woman sleep with me for a very hot four days, then bail for something spicier. I mourned her for 8 minutes—and, hey, the sex was great!—then moved on. Had a woman who seemed really promising for a few months turn out to be disappointing. Mourned that for a few weeks—plenty of positives there too!—and moved on. So it goes. Not the women for me. Didn't mean the answer was for me to start texting someone who lives in Europe or Asia, because for me the prospect of flying to Europe or Asia to get laid twice a year is not the sort of thing I was seeking, you dig?

 

What I'm saying is that you seem to think this guy is "safe" because he's far away, and yet what's it gotten you? More of the same danger you found on your home turf, by the sounds of it.

 

Last thing I'll say, just to remind you of the difference between real connection and digital connection: It took me maybe five minutes to write this post—longer than a "thinking about you, sweetheart" text, and maybe more thoughtful and tuned into your emotions than anything this guy has given. but still: it's just a tiny blip in my day, as I'm just a tiny blip in your life as you are in mine.

 

And, alas, as you are in his. Your heart and ego don't want to admit that, but if you can rise above that you'll actually be taking a step closer to finding what you really want.

 

That makes a lot of sense, thank you!

But why some other people I was just starting having a sexual relationship with stopped answering then?

If guys text just any girl when they are on the toilet to keep every possibility open... I had sex with a guy I barely knew last summer living in my city (again a mate from my school but different year, highly educated, not somebody taken from the street or dating app... We actually had an intellectual conversation lasting for hours before we had sex. When he finally kissed me & wanted more, I declined because I told him we didn't know each other well & told him I was not having sex if I didn't know somebody well.. He insisted saying: "why should we act as hypocrites? We're here, getting to know each other, we want each other...there is physical attraction. Why not follow our natural wishes & have sex, then see how it goes? Also he promised to come on holiday with me a few weeks later, saying he really wanted to because he loves my country. I finally agreed to have sex that night... Sex went great. He texted again the following day to make sure I took the day after pill. Then never answered my texts anymore... A few months later I saw on his Instagram he started dating another girl, & was writing he was in love with her. I never understood what I did wrong :( ).

So if you compare this story, & that with the married man, & many more I had with the story with this guy in the USA who still texts me every day & keeps texting every day despite the distance... You understand why I believe hope is there & it's not totally bull***

[katrina1980]

So, when Mr. USA gets bored with it or finds a local women (doubtful since I think he actually prefers the distance -- most commitment phobes do, the further, the better), you will have yet another story to tell.

 

Why the guy who texted you every day just up and disappeared, which is almost guaranteed once reality hits, and he realizes you're wanting more from him than he is capable of desirous of giving..

 

You will be asking yourself - how do we know when a man is truly into us and will stick around? He texted me every day!!

 

Answer, you don't, it's all one big risk.

 

But when a man who lives on another continent is in your area w one opportunity to see you, but chooses to flat out blow you off, turns off phone, to be w a "friend," you can be dam sure most women w any self-respect and self-esteem would consider him too big a risk to be bothered with.

 

Good riddance, next.

 

But hey like I said, it's your life.

 

If you're ok with all this, believe he's into you because he sends texts every day, then respond back and see how it plays out.

 

Re your feelings, frankly I think you're projecting (your feelings on to him), but again you're just gonna have to play this out till the bitter end, and learn from it, hopefully.

 

Best.

[Oceane1990]

So, when Mr. USA gets bored with it or finds a local women (doubtful since I think he actually prefers the distance -- most commitment phobes do, the further, the better), you will have yet another story to tell.

 

Why the guy who texted you every day just up and disappeared, which is almost guaranteed once reality hits, and he realizes you're wanting more from him than he is capable of desirous of giving..

 

You will be asking yourself - how do we know when a man is truly into us and will stick around? He texted me every day!!

 

Answer, you don't, it's all one big risk.

 

But when a man who lives on another continent is in your area w one opportunity to see you, but chooses to flat out blow you off, turns off phone, to be w a "friend," you can be dam sure most women w any self-respect and self-esteem would consider him too big a risk to be bothered with.

 

Good riddance, next.

 

But hey like I said, it's your life.

 

If you're ok with all this, believe he's into you because he sends texts every day, then respond back and see how it plays out.

 

Re your feelings, frankly I think you're projecting (your feelings on to him), but again you're just gonna have to play this out till the bitter end, and learn from it, hopefully.

 

Best.

 

Makes a lot of sense, but shouldn't I at least give a look at all the texts he sent since he stood me up, & talk to him honestly about my feelings ? Also tell him that if he's really interested I give him a second chance to meet soon . If he declines again, then I will definitely remove him from my life.

We can do a mistake once, but if we do it twice, well that's certainly not a mistake anymore.

Or should I just not answer anymore right now, & if he's really interested he will find a way to do something more than just texting to get me back? But isn't it too risky knowing that we have spent so little time together & yeah somebody could do crazy things to get back a person he was really in love & had a deep connection with... But this is not the case between us now. So I fear there may be a risk if I just keep ignoring him, something better will turn up in his area & all will be lost forever without a try.

Also in one of his social media posts (some months ago, before we met), the guy wrote that he s looking for the special amazing woman who will change his life... But he hasn't found her yet so he keeps making himself & only truly loves his Mom. Also he told me that he had a girlfriend for almost a year before we met but they broke up because they were different people. So yeah maybe he is not the biggest commitment lover, but how can we classify him as a commitment phobe without truly knowing his past?

[katrina1980]

Not sure what you mean, did you read my entire post? Everything after good riddance..

 

What I said was, since you're convinced his texting every day means he's so into you, I advised you to respond back (which yes means reading his texts first ) and let it play out.

 

That's how we learn, by taking risks, making mistakes and learning from them.

 

It's what you're ultimately going to do anyway, despite our posts warning against it, so just do whatever you want to do, let it play out and learn from it.

 

I've made tons of mistakes, and have learned so much, it's all a wonderful journey, embrace it, both the positive and negative.

[katrina1980]

By the way, do you know how difficult it is for an American citizen to move to the UK and vice versa?

 

It's not like he can just move there like he can from California to New York, for example.

 

There is a lot of red tape, endless amounts of paperwork, interviews, etc etc etc.

 

Same for you if you wanted to move to US.

 

It's easier if you were to get married, but even then it's extremely difficult.

 

If I were to hazard a guess, it's one reason why he chose you, you're safe (emotionally) as he knows it will never go anywhere.

 

The sheer distance alone combined with all the red tape makes it an almost impossible situation, a built-in, ready-made excuse to end your "interaction" without looking like schlub.

[Oceane1990]

Not sure what you mean, did you read my entire post? Everything after good riddance..

 

What I said was, since you're convinced his texting every day means he's so into you, I advised you to respond back (which yes means reading his texts first ) and let it play out.

 

That's how we learn, by taking risks, making mistakes and learning from them.

 

It's what you're ultimately going to do anyway, despite our posts warning against it, so just do whatever you want to do, let it play out and learn from it.

 

I've made tons of mistakes, and have learned so much, it's all a wonderful journey, embrace it, both the positive and negative.

 

Got it! I think I'll text him back in a while, will see how it goes. Even if it has to end it's better to be clear & end it in a polite way since we're going to meet again at work in a few months

[Oceane1990]

By the way, do you know how difficult it is for an American citizen to move to the UK and vice versa?

 

It's not like he can just move there like he can from California to New York, for example.

 

There is a lot of red tape, endless amounts of paperwork, interviews, etc etc etc.

 

Same for you if you wanted to move to US.

 

It's easier if you were to get married, but even then it's extremely difficult.

 

If I were to hazard a guess, it's one reason why he chose you, you're safe (emotionally) as he knows it will never go anywhere.

 

The sheer distance alone combined with all the red tape makes it an almost impossible situation, a built-in, ready-made excuse to end your "interaction" without looking like schlub.

 

Definitely a secondary problem right now... There are ways. He wasn't born in the USA but grew up there so he is an American citizen. Members of his family moved to different countries to get married with people who were far away... So did people from my family (my parents come from different countries, my mother was from soviet Europe & my father from western Europe, at that time people from soviet Europe couldn't even travel abroad for a short time). We are, our families are, used to moving around. We both love traveling.

Distance is not a problem, motivation & feelings are...

[bluecastle]

So if you compare this story, & that with the married man, & many more I had with the story with this guy in the USA who still texts me every day & keeps texting every day despite the distance... You understand why I believe hope is there & it's not totally bull***

 

I'm running out of fuel here, I admit.

 

To me, being honest, there is zero difference between these two stories. They're stories of men who were appealing to you before having sex, but didn't treat you in a way that made you feel valued after.

 

I think you have some self-esteem issues that makes you think this means you've done something wrong, as opposed to just accepting that these are the wrong men for you—that sometimes these things just happen in the pursuit of romantic connection. Bummer, but noting to get bent out of shape about.

 

But it's your life, your journey. If his texting you from 10,000 km away feels to you like a man who cares, values you, and is worth keeping in your life, that's your choice.

 

I do hope you're at least staying open to other men, and are okay with the idea that he is by no means just texting you or pursuing you sexually. In the best of scenarios I don't see this really adding up to much.

[katrina1980]

 

Distance is not a problem, motivation & feelings are...

 

Ok, just make sure both your motivations and feelings are in sync, mutually reciprocal.

 

As is stands now, based on his actions, it appears your feelings are much stronger and you are way more invested.

 

Unless that miraculously changes, anything even remotely resembling a "relationship" seems extremely unlikely.

[Oceane1990]

So I answered to the guy told him I was sad we didn't meet but that's how it was when people lived in different continents... I also said I missed him but I wanted to move on because this was going nowhere. Told him bye & take care. He answered that that was hurtful & that he was sad I haven't read any of his texts while I was in the USA, told me bye & take care.

To which I answered telling him that I tried to organize a meeting several times for the past 3 months but that we couldn't find a date because he was busy all the time. Also told him this would hurtful to me too & asked what he wanted to do.

He said he was sorry & that his busy schedule is the reason why he was still single at his age. Then he said I'm an amazing person & he's glad we met & that he promises we will see each other soon even if that means he has to fly to Europe to see me.

 

What should I do next?

[Hollyj]

You will still be his FWB. Nothing has changed.

[Cope]

Oceane, you're selling yourself short. Unfortunately, I can relate. You have gotten so many good advice here, I hope you re read them and it makes sense to you at some point.

 

As I said, I can relate, so I'll give it a shot. I will try to write as I'm giving my old self advice.

You deserve a lot more than the men that you choose to stay in your life. You haven't done anything wrong other than sell yourself short in fear of losing them. You rely your happiness in breadcrumbs. Look into fear of abandonment.

 

Why are you choosing to stick with men who disrespect you? You're constantly putting yourself second.

 

What hit me harder was the married man story, been there, done that, I'm not gonna talk about ethics, sit happens. He was single and married in between? Meaning you stayed with him while he was falling in love and marrying someone else AND up until he got a divorce? Did I understand correctly? If so, please stop looking at what kind of people they are and look into how you are treating yourself. You seem to be satisfied with small actions of interest yet you crave for something more.

 

I want to tell you something and please repeat it to yourself. YOU ARE WORTHY. YOU DESERVE MORE. You deserve the happy ending, you deserve great dates, you deserve second and third and forth dates with or without sex. You deserve a guy who will say "I can't believe you exist" and mean it and show it. You deserve romantic vacations, you deserve cuddling for hours, you deserve a guy who will listen to your problems and be there for you. You deserve all this, but you won't have it until you realise your worth. You won't have it until you start setting boundaries because you know your worth and appreciate your time and who you spend it with.

 

The only way I've started to get out of this is through therapy. BEST. DECISION. EVER. It's been 1,5 years and ive made so much progress in every aspect of my life and I'm much happier. Sure, I'm still making mistakes and I'll never be perfect, no one is. No one can promise you that you won't ever be in a bad relationship again, even if you do all the work, but i can promise you that if you seek help, you will start getting into better relationships and especially the most important one in your life, the relationship with you.

[Cope]

As to your idea of seeing things in positive light, I respect that, I do, but your bar is really low and I'm guessing your low self confidence is in work here.

 

I recently tried to see a guy's actions strictly in positive light because I thought I was being too negative. Result was to basically ignore all the red flags that actually came back to bite me. There's a thin line between looking at things in a positive way and making excuses just to hang on to that undoubtedly lovely feeling of being in love.

 

Edit to add: I think the solution to this is to know what you want and ask for it when it comes to you. Set boundaries. If you follow what YOU need, you can never go wrong. But making excuses is basically giving control to the other person. Transforming yourself into someone they want you to be just so you can cling on to the illusion of being in love for 5 more minutes.

[Hollyj]

She chooses these people because they will never truly be in her life. She has terribly low self esteem and is emotionally unavailable.

[Oceane1990]

Oceane, you're selling yourself short. Unfortunately, I can relate. You have gotten so many good advice here, I hope you re read them and it makes sense to you at some point.

 

As I said, I can relate, so I'll give it a shot. I will try to write as I'm giving my old self advice.

You deserve a lot more than the men that you choose to stay in your life. You haven't done anything wrong other than sell yourself short in fear of losing them. You rely your happiness in breadcrumbs. Look into fear of abandonment.

 

Why are you choosing to stick with men who disrespect you? You're constantly putting yourself second.

 

What hit me harder was the married man story, been there, done that, I'm not gonna talk about ethics, sit happens. He was single and married in between? Meaning you stayed with him while he was falling in love and marrying someone else AND up until he got a divorce? Did I understand correctly? If so, please stop looking at what kind of people they are and look into how you are treating yourself. You seem to be satisfied with small actions of interest yet you crave for something more.

 

I want to tell you something and please repeat it to yourself. YOU ARE WORTHY. YOU DESERVE MORE. You deserve the happy ending, you deserve great dates, you deserve second and third and forth dates with or without sex. You deserve a guy who will say "I can't believe you exist" and mean it and show it. You deserve romantic vacations, you deserve cuddling for hours, you deserve a guy who will listen to your problems and be there for you. You deserve all this, but you won't have it until you realise your worth. You won't have it until you start setting boundaries because you know your worth and appreciate your time and who you spend it with.

 

The only way I've started to get out of this is through therapy. BEST. DECISION. EVER. It's been 1,5 years and ive made so much progress in every aspect of my life and I'm much happier. Sure, I'm still making mistakes and I'll never be perfect, no one is. No one can promise you that you won't ever be in a bad relationship again, even if you do all the work, but i can promise you that if you seek help, you will start getting into better relationships and especially the most important one in your life, the relationship with you.

 

Thanks for your great advice! You are definitely right about setting boundaries, but how can I set boundaries in a situation like this?

 

- We live so far away, it's impossible to have a normal relationship evolution (or not)

- I like the guy a lot & would love to find a way to turn this into something positive

- We have been texting to each other for months every day despite living on different continents

- When I stopped texting & a answering he got crazy, & when I got back to him explaining that I wanted to end this because it was too complicated he was upset & said it was hurtful. So there is an interest from his side as well

- Today we have spent too little time with each other to know whether this could lead to something positive or not. Also, he hasn't done anything mean to me, the only disappointment was when he stood me up when I came to the USA but this happened only once. You may judge him for this one negative thing he has done, but in my opinion it takes more red flags to end something in a definitive way

- I have strong feelings for him but how can I tell him without putting pressure & Making him run away? I don't think that if I tell him he'll suddenly fall in love with me so it's just better not to tell & let things grow naturally. But where should the boundary be & how long should I wait in a situation like this?

 

I am scared that by putting pressure right now & giving an ultimatum, I may lose a guy I like a lot. But I am also scared that by doing nothing & just waiting this won't go anywhere either : every day he may meet somebody else, & one day he may just tell me "I'm sorry but I found somebody else". I will waste a lot of time for nothing then, just as it happened with the married man.

 

About the married man : I actually met him a few weeks before his marriage, meaning that the marriage was already organized when we started dating. When I found this out, he was already married & I had already feelings for him, he also told me a story about how complicated his marriage was & how much I meant to him. He also revealed that he had Asperger (which I'm not sure if it was true or not and maybe he was just a psychopath). Anyway, I can understand that somebody may not be comfortable with leaving his wife when just married, but what hurt me most was that actually when he divorced he didn't think a second about me - despite telling me for years how much I meant to him - & he just started a relationship with a different girl instead & since he is with her he has totally forgotten me, he doesn't even try to sleep with me anymore (he always said he had the best sex in his life with me).

 

Just to let you know that I'm not a masochist & I don't like impossible relationships ,I want you to know that I've been in love with the married man for 2 years, but once I saw (when he started dating this new girl after his divorce) that he actually didn't have feelings for me & he lied, I stopped having feelings for him quite fast despite the disappointment.

 

About my dating life, I told you here about the guy I currently like & about a few other painful "relationships" I had, i told you about the ones that affected me most with the guys I had the strongest feelings actually.

However, I had PLENTY of other relationships in the past 6 years, NONE of them went well mainly because the guys were interested in nothing else but sleeping with me or doing FWB. So it's not like I haven't tried to meet people, I met a lot of different guys from different countries, & the outcome was always the same : nothing worked. We usually don't even get to a relationship status because either they disappear right after sex, or they tell me they won't be serious or again it's long distance stuff with people telling me clearly they don't want to get involved & they don't want to come to see me.

[Oceane1990]

She chooses these people because they will never truly be in her life. She has terribly low self esteem and is emotionally unavailable.

 

Why do you say this?

About unavailability : I love being with someone but I'm also happy alone, I'm not needy. I prefer to be with someone I really like than alone however. But I prefer to be alone rather than being with someone I don't have a special interest for.

 

From age 17 to 24, I had 3 serious relationships. I met these guys one right after the other, & every time I met a guy it ended up to be a serious thing naturally.

 

- My first boyfriend ever was a long distance relationship. I was living in Italy at that time & he was in the UK where I went on a summer school for a couple of weeks during my regular school break . I met him in London on the street & we dated for 2 weeks (no sex). The night before I left to go back to italy, he gave me 2 gold rings & told me he loved me. We kept in touch through Skype for a year without seeing each other ; then next summer I went back to the UK for my summer break & we started dating officially. He invited me to move to his room right away, then we also lived with his family for some months. He has done all this without knowing me well, very quickly : he gave me rings, introduced to his family, asked to move to live with him. We didn't even have sex because it was my first boyfriend, we waited more than 1 year to get physical. This went on for 2 years long distance with me flying from Italy to the UK several times a year. We also got married in the mosque in London. One day the London guy broke up with me because he had some issues with his family. At that time I was living with him & his sister at his sister's house; his sister was depressed & also got pregnant & they just didn't want me around anymore in that situation. They are an Asian family so they have some strong traditions in which they live all together, & the brother has to be faithful to his elder sister. One day my husband & his family just told me to leave the house & go back to Italy. He also told me he was divorcing me & he had to marry his cousin, somebody from his country (which wasn't true because he is still single today & also trying to get back with me by the way) . All this was extremely painful because I loved this guy like crazy, he was my first guy & also his family was like my family (which made me disappointed when one day they just decided to kick me out) ;

- A few months after my first boyfriend broke up with me, I was really depressed. I met another guy who showed signs of interest in Italy . He was really handsome & also a good guy. I wasn't ready to start a new relationship because I was still thinking about my ex boyfriend but I also knew I had to move on & I decided to give this new guy a chance. A few weeks after we met, he introduced me to his parents & told me he loved me. 3/4 months later he also asked to marry me (which I declined because we were very young, I was only 19). I never loved this guy because during the 2 years with him I never overcame the pain from my first relationship. We were also different people. However, I spent a good time with the Italian guy, we were happy & having a lot of fun. After 2 years the relationship became naturally a friendship also because I moved to France for a year for a student exchange. We would still keep in touch & care about each like a brother & sister despite the distance & lack of pasional love, we were always there for each other;

- So here it comes : my 3rd & last serious relationship ever . A French guy I met in Paris during my student exchange. This time I was again in love. We had sex fast, after which he was leaving for holidays for 2 months to America. During these 2 months, we kept in touch every day by text , when he came back he brought me a bag of gifts from the USA & asked me to move to live with him at his house. My student exchange was coming to an end soon, & I decided to move to Paris permanently to be with him. With the time he became somehow more distant & less caring, I became kind of paranoid thinking that he may not be in love anymore & he may be cheating on me. I was still frustrated & suffering from my first relationship in London with my first boyfriend ever & this certainly had an impact on my relationship with this French guy. We were fighting a lot but I loved him, one day I didn't know what to do to make him understand I was suffering because of him getting distant & I asked an advice to a friend. She told me : "if with all your talks he still doesn't understand that you suffer from his behavior, then it means that your communication is not effective & you should do something stronger to make him undertsand :shout, break up stuff in his flat, throw plates & glasses on his head". Which I did. That day I kinda devastaded his flat, we had a physical fight, the police came.

After this he obviously didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore, he just wanted me out of his life (still today when I try to text him for his birthday or christmas wishes, he instantly blockes my number). I realized how stupid & paranoid I was, I also realized all was my mistake & told him how much I was sorry, then tried to prove him in every possible way that I was trally sorry & that I was going to change. I tried to get back with him for like 2 years (he was just running away from me & blocking me everywhere). I suffered a lot because I lost a great guy I loved basically because of my fears and heartbreaks from the past.

 

Since then, all the sh**** "relationships" started to came up. I literally had DOZENS of them. Here's a sum up of all the kinds of guys I "dated" for the past 6 years, without ever getting to have a normal relationship at all:

 

- Married men or men in a relationship who either lied or were truly unhappy in their current relationship, but didn't want to break up /divorce anyway ;

 

- One night sex with people who disappeared the following day & ghosted while also lying, telling they may be wanting something more than just sex, etc. In the end this was never true, they never tried to have more ;

 

- People who wanted to have a kind of long term FWB with me, explaining this will never turn in anything more (I tried to "date" some of those guys for several months to see if time made them change if they knew me better, 6 months later they were still saying they didn't want to have a relationship with me, despite me being really nice with them, caring about them, I also invited some of them on holiday where I paid everything) ;

 

- Dates with long distance classmates (so people I knew well from school & who were friends) who pushed me to try to date just to have sex, but once we had sex they actually said distance made it complicated to have more ;

 

- Last year I had an actual relationship with a Jewish person who actually told me he loved me, we were together for 2-3 months. However, we decided to end it up because one day he told me that our relationship won't be possible in the long run - as I'm not Jewish myself, his family will never accept me, & he also said he wants to marry a Jewish girl in his life.

 

It has been like that for 6 years now. Every time I meet someone I like, it doesn't work & in the end I'm always alone.

[Oceane1990]

Thank you for encouraging me & telling me that this good caring person will come into my life.

I believed it too, truly. 6 years later I'm still here waiting for this person, despite dozens & dozens of dates of any kind :(