Family and alone time

[mandeelove]

First off mandee I am glad to hear the previous issues you were experiencing with him have resolved, that's awesome!

 

Re this situation, I agree with you, his behavior is rude and disrespectful and after voicing my boundaries and he continued, I would just leave.

 

Not break up with him necessarily, just leave his place and go back home.

 

You continuing to join him when he does this is enabling him to continue and sends the message you accept it.

 

Why can't you assertively talk to your boyfriend??

 

Many men don't listen to words, they listen to actions! What are your actions telling him? They tell him you accept it.

 

I think I said this you in your previous threads but you need to get stronger and stand up to him. Versus walking on eggshells which it appears you are still doing.

 

What are you afraid of if you assertively stand up for yourself and strongly express your boundaries?

 

Personally, if my bf and I had made plans to watch a movie or have dinner or do anything else, whether at his or mine, and he arbitrarily went ahead and made plans with his family or anyone else without asking me first, I'd be pissed!

 

I would go the first time, express my boundary later, and if it continued or he attempted to gaslight me by accusing me of being anti-social or something similar, man that would be so unacceptable I might even re-think the RL.

 

That's not even the point! The point is you and he had plans and he disrespected those plans by making new plans without checking with you first.

 

Did you explsin this to him after he acused you of bring non-social?

 

This man sounds like a big manipulator and if you don't start getting stronger and standing up for yourself, thrse issues will continue to happen.

 

I don't think he respects you mandee I seriously don't.

 

He sees you as weak, I'm sorry.

 

And what's with this over-attachment he has to his family? I mean every weekend, plus during the week?

 

What's up with that, that is weird! I assume he's a grown man?

 

This would concern me too.

First off, thank you for your response and your advice! I always thought it was weird at his age(39) to see his family during the week and if I see him on weekends, then we all do something together. Calls his mother non stop (more than me for sure). But honestly it's his fault because he's the one who initiates these plans so I can't always say it's his family. He's asking them to come over. For example yesterday he went to the gym. We had plans to watch a movie at home. He came back from the gym and was talking to his mother on the phone telling her the time to come. I found out everyone was coming in an hour. My head was like...what?

 

But I actually grabbed my things and walked out. I did leave. However even with my action , I don't think it would help. I'm sure he still had them over and I looked like the bad guy for leaving. We haven't spoke at all.

 

Besides walking out, I have tried many different ways of explaining how these things bother me but it hasn't helped much. I am not shy in speaking up. To be honest I speak up alot even if it causes an argument.

 

I agree with you that he probably doesn't respect me. This all stems from that.

 

I spend alot alot of time with his family. Parties, outting, hanging out, dinners. I see them more than my family . So I tell him that. How can I be non social when I'm with them always. I mean for Christmas we couldn't even decorate the tree without his mother coming by. So I bring this to his attention and he only sees the times like yesterday when I get mad that he made plans without asking me.

 

Also to add to this, I stopped going to alot of the family things. I will make other plans or just stay home. Instead of arguing I do my own thing so this has helped me.

[katrina1980]

Well then, you have a decision to make.

 

For me this type of disrespect would be a deal breaker, no question.

 

But you gotta do what's best for you, considering everything that's gone down from the beginning, including your acknowledgment that he does not respect you and nothing is going to change..

 

If you can live and be happy with this, then stay.

 

Your choice, best of luck whatever you decide. :)

[purplepaisley]

This guy plans HIS LIFE and expects you to integrate into it and does nothing to accommodate your wishes. Without walking into the realm of emotional abuse and narcissistic behavior that has been alluded to, the bottom line is a pure personality clash and unwillingness to accommodate a different lifestyle of his partner.

 

There are certain personalities that like to be surrounded by people all the time. They love having friends and family around, surrounding them at all times. Come over any time, or they go there or they're on the phone. They need and enjoy being constantly surrounded by other people.

 

On the other side of the spectrum, there are people that need their down time. They love their friends and family and make time, but they also need a considerable amount of silence and not having a constant barrage of other personalities within their sphere. Even in a relationship, they need some distance and alone time, away from their partner, but having someone around, even if it's just existing in the same air space, without a lot of talking, is very comforting and loving.

 

Without addressing the abusive and ugly nature of this relationship, I see two people whose personal lifestyles collide in such a way, there is a high level of incompatibility. The one person is unwilling to bend in any fashion and expects a partner to leap in and blend in his lifestyle...no questions, no compromise...this is me, take it or leave it.

 

And you need to leave it.

 

As long as its his friends or his family, everything is honky-dory. He won't budge and won't integrate with her friends or her family or alone time.

 

You've been with this guy for over two years, and have been met with disrespectful behavior, if not abusive and cruel behavior. He won't travel to you, ever. He doesn't accommodate you and your wishes or needs, ever. I'd bet money if he ever begrudgingly accompanies you to your family events, he wants to leave as soon as possible, and I would bet money the guy is so resentful he has to spend time with your personal group, he behaves like a jerk and makes the situation so unbearable for you and your friends/family, you remove him, and yourself, as quickly as possible and spend a lot of time apologizing to these people for his obnoxious and rude behavior, and making excuses for him. I would bet money that people no longer invite you to events because with you comes him, and he's a jerk, and they don't want him around.

 

That's one of the first steps in abusive behavior...remove the support system...the friends and the family.

 

It's time to cut the cord. You know this.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. By continually going there, you show him that he can do this and not have to worry about you. You'll just be there as always.

Many men don't listen to words, they listen to actions! What are your actions telling him? They tell him you accept it.

[katrina1980]

I spend alot alot of time with his family. Parties, outting, hanging out, dinners. I see them more than my family . So I tell him that. How can I be non social when I'm with them always. I mean for Christmas we couldn't even decorate the tree without his mother coming by. So I bring this to his attention and he only sees the times like yesterday when I get mad that he made plans without asking me.

---

 

Don't even bother defending yourself mandee, he's a bully.

 

It's his way, and if you don't go along, it's your issue, your problem.

 

This has been evident since the beginning. It's one of the most imbalanced long term relationships I've ever read or heard about.

 

At this point you either accept it, or leave.

 

It's really that simple mandee.

[mandeelove]

Thank you I appreciate the advice and help !!

@katrina1980

[mandeelove]

Thank you for your advice and help!!. Well it's funny yes, he's only social with his group, his family. I have invited him numerous times to my side of things and a few times he hasn't showed up so those people stopped inviting HIM. I still attend though but solo. Holidays ,you can forget it. We don't spend them together. I stay with my family. He stays with his. That's how I've managed to handle that .

 

Everything you said was nail on the head. We do have different personalities but alot of couples survive those differences with compromise. This man has no bending or compromise so that's the clash. I'm always met with resistance. Thanks again

 

@purplepaisley

[DancingFool]

Well, I understand very well why you are upset with this. That said, I do think that you need to rethink a lot of things about relationships and how you see relationships and how you relate. The point of dating is to discover incompatibilities and figure out if you can or cannot live with them. A relationship is not a fixer upper project where you go from fixing one problem to another and another and another. Even if you do fix some issues, this is STILL a toxic dynamic and you are creating that dynamic yourself by insisting on staying with the wrong guys over and over. If you ever come across the right match, you'll find that your relationship is actually easy. It doesn't require all this work at all.

 

Anyway, I don't agree that he is being disrespectful to you as such. I do think you are missing a fundamental key here - this is who he is. This is his actual personality. Some people are simply like this. They are super social. Their house is a revolving door for friends and family and there is never any peace or privacy or alone time. If you are with a person like that, YOU have to either be similar or be able to accept this kind of a lifestyle easily. He is not going to change no matter how much you complain and quite frankly, you are being unfair to him because you are demanding that he stop being himself and become a totally different person. That is actually wrong on your part.

 

This goes back to dating is there for you to discover whether a relationship with this person will work for you or not. If you cannot deal with a person who is super social, where the house has an open door, where your life will always revolve around entertaining a constant, never ending stream of people, then YOU need to rethink this relationship and your compatibility with this guy. This is a situation of neither one of you is in the right or wrong. Just not compatible. Only solution really would be trying to find some compromise, but having some life experience under my belt, I can tell you right now, that this type of personality cannot live without a constant crowd around and either you can handle that and be happy or you cannot and need to leave.

 

You have a history of clinging to guys who are wrong for you, in staying and staying in relationships that need constant fixing. I think you need to actually take a hard look at yourself and why you choose this for yourself. You seem to like being miserable in a relationship and before you jump in saying "But I'm happy"....stop...and really think on that and be more honest. When you have to "fix" issue after issue, it's the definition of unhappy.

 

I know personally, if I date a guy with a revolving door social policy, I don't be dating him for long. I can't live like that and I'm not so arrogant as to try to "fix" him out of that. He isn't broken. We are just too different and incompatible in our respective lifestyles.

[Hollyj]

You need to get your own place so you stop "escaping" to his place every weekend to get away from home, your parents and boredom. He's treated you like dirt for eons but you persist because he has some cash and a place for you to camp out every weekend.

 

You're not a victim. Besides who runs over someone's home with the flu? It's his place and he can talk to or invite anyone he wants, if you don't like it stay home, make some friends, date higher quality men, get your own place, but do not camp out somewhere every weekend and impose so much so that they can't even make time for their own friends and family.

 

He does this all the time. They make plans and he changes them. This is unacceptable. He never drives to her or spends time with her family. It is very one-sided, but she CHOOSES this crappy 'relationship.' How many more years is this going to go on with this guy!

 

Mandee, either except his sh8t treatment of you, or move on. Complaining about his behaviors will not change anything.

 

Get some help. You go from one jerk to the next. You are the common denominator. You gravitate to lousy men.

[DancingFool]

Thank you for your advice and help!!. Well it's funny yes, he's only social with his group, his family. I have invited him numerous times to my side of things and a few times he hasn't showed up so those people stopped inviting HIM. I still attend though but solo. Holidays ,you can forget it. We don't spend them together. I stay with my family. He stays with his. That's how I've managed to handle that .

 

Everything you said was nail on the head. We do have different personalities but alot of couples survive those differences with compromise. This man has no bending or compromise so that's the clash. I'm always met with resistance. Thanks again

 

@purplepaisley

 

WRONG. I mean really, just wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong. This very very wrong belief is what keeps you going and going in bad relationships or simply clinging on to men who just aren't compatible to you.

 

In reality, no, healthy, happy, lasting relationships do not require major compromise. In healthy relationships, people are actually fundamentally quite closely aligned with each other even if that's not visibly obvious to you, looking in from the outside. Any compromises that they make are actually tiny because they are already closely aligned with each other. In your case, you are trying to close a gap that's a thousand miles wide and that's not doable. In cases you are thinking of, people are closing a gap that's only an inch or two wide. Big difference. You have got to get this line of thinking out of your head, because it's leading you down a very very unhealthy path.

[DancingFool]

Mandee, I'll emphasize again that you aren't wrong in what you want. In fact, you fall into the majority of people out there. When invited to do something, the automatic response is "let me check with my SO if that will work."

 

However, some people are just different. A friend of mine is married to a guy very similar to yours. They have NO tensions about this sort of stuff. Why? Because she has a matching personality. She looooves to entertain. She has become completely enmeshed with his family. They are all in and out of each other's houses almost daily. They all live walking distance from each other. There are no boundaries, BUT she is genuinely happy and embraces all that. Ironically, she was an only child with a small family and single mom, but she always wanted this big family thing, so she lives the life she has always dreamed of. She is very social, very energetic and they are a good match. Looking from the outside in, most people could never live like that, however it works for them. There is no compromise here, because none is needed. They embrace each other and the life that they have as is.

 

I hope this is food for thought for you. Think about what kind of a relationship do YOU want, how do you want life to be and then instead of trying to force it with someone who is too different, maybe have the courage to find someone who is already living it.

[Hollyj]

Mandee, I'll emphasize again that you aren't wrong in what you want. In fact, you fall into the majority of people out there. When invited to do something, the automatic response is "let me check with my SO if that will work."

 

However, some people are just different. A friend of mine is married to a guy very similar to yours. They have NO tensions about this sort of stuff. Why? Because she has a matching personality. She looooves to entertain. She has become completely enmeshed with his family. They are all in and out of each other's houses almost daily. They all live walking distance from each other. There are no boundaries, BUT she is genuinely happy and embraces all that. Ironically, she was an only child with a small family and single mom, but she always wanted this big family thing, so she lives the life she has always dreamed of. She is very social, very energetic and they are a good match. Looking from the outside in, most people could never live like that, however it works for them. There is no compromise here, because none is needed. They embrace each other and the life that they have as is.

 

I hope this is food for thought for you. Think about what kind of a relationship do YOU want, how do you want life to be and then instead of trying to force it with someone who is too different, maybe have the courage to find someone who is already living it.

 

He won't drive to her or spend any time with her family. He has even blown her off multiple times, yet she keeps on going back. Incredible.

[figureitout23]

Kat and dancing you guys have given excellent advice she’s gotten pages and pages of excellent advice. Hundreds throughout the year and each time I realize more and more we as responders tend to overlook the real issue: the poster.

 

This is xoxo, the other girl with the 30 page posts, in a relationship. With xoxo we’re seeing this type of person pre relatuonship with Mandes its post.

 

It’s the exact same mindset.

 

“Yeah yeah I know I said I would change but he changed so now I want to complain about something else and I want you listen.”

 

Me personally, I wouldn’t even have he balls to ask you guys for advice and then come back a few months later and say hey I have something else to complain about, fix it. It’s jusy such a me centered mindset.

 

So while I think you both have brilliant advice, it’s just a bandaid, she will be back, just like xoxo will be back. Because I think the problem isn’t the relationship, don’t get me wrong the relationship IS an issue, but that’s how they like it. They need something to complain about, they need that attention and validation, and we feed them each time we respond, and then it’s rinse wash repeat.

 

They both have been doing it for years and each time it’s as if it’s the first post, he SHOULD act this way huh, tell me I’m right! He’s MEAN isnt he, tell me I’m right, tell me I’m right. Tell me I’m right. Tell me I’m right. Tell me I’m right. It’s never truly how do I fix this it’s always, tell me I’m right.in fact they become indignant if you question them. That. Is. Not . Normal!

 

The actions are so similar it has to be something, some sort of personality type, something...

 

No I’m not saying theyre the same person I’m saying the mindset is the exact same.

 

I bet it’s something diagnosable.

 

Mandee I apologize for speaking of you in third person i am not trying to be disrespectful, I truly think seeing someone professionally for you about you would help you tremendously. This isn’t going to change and you know it isn’t you been told accept it or leave so often I’d think it was branded on your forehead yet here you are.

 

I’m NOT saying don’t ask for advice, I swear I’m not Im saying this seems to be a whole lot deeper than a message board can handle and while your boyfriend is a problem, your insistence on staying despite your insistence you’re victimized is an even bigger issue to me.

[Hollyj]

Kat and dancing you guys have given excellent advice she’s gotten pages and pages of excellent advice. Hundreds throughout the year and each time I realize more and more we as responders tend to overlook the real issue: the poster.

 

This is xoxo, the other girl with the 30 page posts, in a relationship. With xoxo we’re seeing this type of person pre relatuonship with Mandes its post.

 

It’s the exact same mindset.

 

“Yeah yeah I know I said I would change but he changed so now I want to complain about something else and I want you listen.”

 

Me personally, I wouldn’t even have he balls to ask you guys for advice and then come back a few months later and say hey I have something else to complain about, fix it. It’s jusy such a me centered mindset.

 

So while I think you both have brilliant advice, it’s just a bandaid, she will be back, just like xoxo will be back. Because I think the problem isn’t the relationship, don’t get me wrong the relationship IS an issue, but that’s how they like it. They need something to complain about, they need that attention and validation, and we feed them each time we respond, and then it’s rinse wash repeat.

 

They both have been doing it for years and each time it’s as if it’s the first post, he SHOULD act this way huh, tell me I’m right! He’s MEAN isnt he, tell me I’m right, tell me I’m right. Tell me I’m right. Tell me I’m right. Tell me I’m right. It’s never truly how do I fix this it’s always, tell me I’m right.in fact they become indignant if you question them. That. Is. Not . Normal!

 

The actions are so similar it has to be something, some sort of personality type, something...

 

No I’m not saying theyre the same person I’m saying the mindset is the exact same.

 

I bet it’s something diagnosable.

 

Mandee I apologize for speaking of you in third person i am not trying to be disrespectful, I truly think seeing someone professionally for you about you would help you tremendously. This isn’t going to change and you know it isn’t you been told accept it or leave so often I’d think it was branded on your forehead yet here you are.

 

I’m NOT saying don’t ask for advice, I swear I’m not Im saying this seems to be a whole lot deeper than a message board can handle and while your boyfriend is a problem, your insistence on staying despite your insistence you’re victimized is an even bigger issue to me.

 

You're right. We are enabling.

 

Sadly, I do not think she wants any advice or has any desire to change. She is choosing an unhealthy relationship, as it is comfortable and familiar.

[Annia]

I spend alot alot of time with his family. Parties, outting, hanging out, dinners. I see them more than my family . So I tell him that. How can I be non social when I'm with them always. I mean for Christmas we couldn't even decorate the tree without his mother coming by. So I bring this to his attention and he only sees the times like yesterday when I get mad that he made plans without asking me.

---

 

Don't even bother defending yourself mandee, he's a bully.

 

It's his way, and if you don't go along, it's your issue, your problem.

 

This has been evident since the beginning. It's one of the most imbalanced long term relationships I've ever read or heard about.

 

At this point you either accept it, or leave.

 

It's really that simple mandee.

 

I totally agree with Katrina's and other's posts.

 

This relationship is beyond the point of salvation with dialogue because he's not the type of person that cares about you or your feelings. No amount of mature talking, of ultimatums, arguing and shutting down for days and then returning, of trying to make him see or whatever will make him change. This is who he is, point blank. After over 2 years you know who he is, you're past the stage of getting to know these issues. It's his way or the highway.

 

So as Katrina says you have two options: you either accept it and deal with it knowing the relationship will always be like this, or you leave and show him with the action of leaving that this is not ok. Eventually you can find someone who truly loves you and cares for you, your feelings and your time. An healthy relationship is not supposed to be one of the parts trying to accomodate and bend over for the other, and the other part inflexible and unable to make some concessions for the other person. This is not even a case of "not meeting half way"... this dude is not even meeting 1/10000 of the way.

[boltnrun]

So you don't want advice to leave him, you just want someone to tell you how to "get" him to be a completely different person.

 

The easiest way to do that would, of course, be to date someone else.

 

I'm not sure why you think this awful relationship is the best you can do.

[Annia]

So you don't want advice to leave him, you just want someone to tell you how to "get" him to be a completely different person.

 

The easiest way to do that would, of course, be to date someone else.

 

I'm not sure why you think this awful relationship is the best you can do.

 

Or perform a lobotomy on him.

[Annia]

WRONG. I mean really, just wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong. This very very wrong belief is what keeps you going and going in bad relationships or simply clinging on to men who just aren't compatible to you.

 

In reality, no, healthy, happy, lasting relationships do not require major compromise. In healthy relationships, people are actually fundamentally quite closely aligned with each other even if that's not visibly obvious to you, looking in from the outside. Any compromises that they make are actually tiny because they are already closely aligned with each other. In your case, you are trying to close a gap that's a thousand miles wide and that's not doable. In cases you are thinking of, people are closing a gap that's only an inch or two wide. Big difference. You have got to get this line of thinking out of your head, because it's leading you down a very very unhealthy path.

 

Even if in healthy relationships there's compromise, it goes both ways. This guy compromises zero for her. Also besides people already being aligned in the fundamentals in healthy relationships, communication has effect to reach a middle ground of making changes for the benefit of the relationship. But with this guy no communication has effect because as I said it's his way or the highway.

 

He's not going to change, you're only going to become more and more frustrated and resentful and you'll continue to lose your precious time with a man that will never respect you and treat you like you should.

 

A guy that never comes to you just because and who doesn't respect your plans and is not bothered to listen to you and respect your time is not "the one" nor ever will be.

 

And I'm telling you this also because I've been there, holding on to hopeless relationships and feeling frustrated and exhausted of giving so much for nothing and I'd trade those times for being alone any time. The time you lose on the wrong relationships it's more time you're without finding the right relationship. You can't turn the wrong person into the right person. This Hollywood idea that you can change a person by loving them or that they wake up one day and have an epiphany almost never happens in real life. Protect yourself and aim for better.