Update & question on where to go from here

[figureitout23]

I don’t really care and had to think real hard to even come up with it. Perhaps it’s a symptom of not wanting to get close, perhaps he just truly doesn’t care. It’s far from a dealbreaker

 

Ive stopped responding because I dont think its my place anymore, Im just far to grounded to keep going in circles, but if you like it, I love it... this sentence made me sad though...

 

I wish you luck on your journey and I do hope you keep us updated, I also hope you arent in the same spot 6 months from now, still being told youre the problem for dating with intentions and not accepting indecision.

[akrngrl]

Ive stopped responding because I dont think its my place anymore, Im just far to grounded to keep going in circles, but if you like it, I love it... this sentence made me sad though...

 

I wish you luck on your journey and I do hope you keep us updated, I also hope you arent in the same spot 6 months from now, still being told youre the problem for dating with intentions and not accepting indecision.

 

Thank you FIO! I most certainly will. I’ve gotten some really great advice from you and everyone and if nothing else I see that there are SO many ways to approach one thing.

 

I hope not either [emoji28]. I’m taking it day by day so far, but likely will only be able to hold that space for so long with him knowing my intentions. Hopefully we can both be respectful of each other’s needs and find a good solution.

[figureitout23]

Thank you FIO! I most certainly will. I’ve gotten some really great advice from you and everyone and if nothing else I see that there are SO many ways to approach one thing.

 

I hope not either [emoji28]. I’m taking it day by day so far, but likely will only be able to hold that space for so long with him knowing my intentions. Hopefully we can both be respectful of each other’s needs and find a good solution.

 

Sounds like your head stayed level after all.

 

Im hopeful. Fingers crossed it all smooths out.

[Wiseman2]

Have you considered getting a well written profile and some good recent pics on some high quality (paid) dating apps? You claim you want the marriage, kids, house thing one day.... or at least a somewhat committed long term relationship for starters. But the chances of finding that by swiping through abysmal low quality (free) dating apps is very slim. Settling for "confused", ambiguous and long distance guys isn't a step toward what you claim your goals are.

 

It's already apparent that except for the attraction and relief from dating that this is an incompatible nonviable situation. You understandably would like some tangible concrete answers and some definition, but he prefers things to just coast along and continues to play dodge ball. All this analysis and contemplation may entertain you for a while but if it sidesteps your goals and replaces that with cheap filler, what's the point?

Ultimately I want to get married, which I suppose seems conflicting with being okay with a LDR I suppose I always assumed if/when I met the right guy my desire to be with him would override my desire for space.

I’m swiping for the sake of saying I’m swiping and because it’s available, but local options are tragic.

[Batya33]

Two things -why is "girlfriend" "just a label to you" - that's the impression I get.

 

Also his lack of follow up reminded me of something. I have a work friend over the last 2 years -we met at a company seminar and we don't work together but we got into the habit of having lunch every month or two. We were both newish at the company. Over time we've gotten closer -slowly, but surely. She's on the reserved side and I respect that and do not pry but I also love her stories/interests (travel, marathon running, music, etc). She said to me - uncharacteristically - a few months ago "you're a really good listener. you ask really good follow up questions". It's not something I tried and actually I wanted to be careful not to pry if anything. So you know -I think it's mostly natural - yes, I'm an extrovert - but I'm naturally curious about people plus she has really interesting stories/insights to share so I want to know more, I want her to elaborate.

 

I had a long term boyfriend who was bad at following up - what I would do -not sarcastically -with a lighthearted tone "hey I can do your side of the conversation?" [yes] "So, [my name] - what happened then? How did you feel when you got that e-mail/what did you decide to do??" Sometimes he would get it. It felt better than being direct in that moment with "don't you care about how I stubbed my toe running for the bus and then realized it was all a dream??"

[akrngrl]

Have you considered getting a well written profile and some good recent pics on some high quality (paid) dating apps? You claim you want the marriage, kids, house thing one day.... or at least a somewhat committed long term relationship for starters. But the chances of finding that by swiping through abysmal low quality (free) dating apps is very slim. Settling for "confused", ambiguous and long distance guys isn't a step toward what you claim your goals are.

 

It's already apparent that except for the attraction and relief from dating that this is an incompatible nonviable situation. You understandably would like some tangible concrete answers and some definition, but he prefers things to just coast along and continues to play dodge ball. All this analysis and contemplation may entertain you for a while but if it sidesteps your goals and replaces that with cheap filler, what's the point?

 

Oh no, just the marriage haha. I don’t want kids at all, in any capacity (from previous relationships, etc.) I bought my own “for now” dream home, but yes, I suppose eventually I’d have to buy a place together with someone.

 

I had them at one point and have found overall, most of the same people were on the free apps-and coincidentally I’d already been to meet them or had no earthly desire to.

 

The area that I’m in in particular, many already have kids or want to be open to the prospect of kids or very much want them. That’s one of those dealbreakers I don’t waiver on (I know this thread makes me look like wiggly jello on boundaries).

 

I’ve a few years traveling into or halfway to the major city because my parameters are set 60+ miles out of the way and it’s mostly always still been a travesty. Our goals don’t match up, dealbreakers start surfacing (that 3-5 date sweet spot that makes me cringe and walk away), etc.

 

I know someone on this forum has mentioned they had to go on something like 100 first meets before they met their husband and I always kind of used that as a marker-as in okay you have to meet A LOT of people. If I haven’t met that by now, I’m really really close haha. So far, this is probably the longest dating stint I’ve had in a few years (and I don’t know in how long that I’ve actually been happy with the individual with no characteristic red flags)

[akrngrl]

Two things -why is "girlfriend" "just a label to you" - that's the impression I get.

 

Also his lack of follow up reminded me of something. I have a work friend over the last 2 years -we met at a company seminar and we don't work together but we got into the habit of having lunch every month or two. We were both newish at the company. Over time we've gotten closer -slowly, but surely. She's on the reserved side and I respect that and do not pry but I also love her stories/interests (travel, marathon running, music, etc). She said to me - uncharacteristically - a few months ago "you're a really good listener. you ask really good follow up questions". It's not something I tried and actually I wanted to be careful not to pry if anything. So you know -I think it's mostly natural - yes, I'm an extrovert - but I'm naturally curious about people plus she has really interesting stories/insights to share so I want to know more, I want her to elaborate.

 

I had a long term boyfriend who was bad at following up - what I would do -not sarcastically -with a lighthearted tone "hey I can do your side of the conversation?" [yes] "So, [my name] - what happened then? How did you feel when you got that e-mail/what did you decide to do??" Sometimes he would get it. It felt better than being direct in that moment with "don't you care about how I stubbed my toe running for the bus and then realized it was all a dream??"

 

It’s just a label to me here because I feel like I am his girlfriend-we’re just not calling it that. That sounds ignorant and little entitled, but let me explain haha. Before starting this thread there were two modes of dating for me: you date and date others or you date exclusively. I still don’t quite grasp how you could be dating exclusively and sexually exclusive, not be looking for or pursuing anyone else and yet still not be in a relationship. I just see it as dancing around semantics, but I’m learning from everyone here.

 

To me this is a relationship-we’re having fun, going out, being intimate, planning things in the future (as much as possible). I’ve been meeting his friends, we went to an engagement party, he had tentatively invited me to meet his family when they were in town before all this went down (not sure if he will now).

 

I honest to goodness don’t understand what the difference would be in him calling me his girlfriend. It’s not like using the term comes with a whole host of responsibilities from me-I expect all the same things he’s been doing this whole time. I guess I’m already emotionally vulnerable as his actions clearly affect my mood (hence this thread lol). I don’t think he’s NOT emotionally vulnerable (even if he doesn’t want to be) because he’s been more emotional than I have the two times we’ve spoken about it and the one time we had a miscommunication and I was mildly annoyed he was very concerned that I “was mad at him”.

 

As I said, I did ask what his idea of a relationship looked like-in case that was different than what I envisioned and therefore there was reason for him to be wary. He pretty much agreed that it was what we had going on.

 

I’ve seen him in more states than I’ve seen anyone I’ve been with in years (sick, angry, upset-I haven’t seen him truly sad or cry, but I didn’t expect to see all of those at two months in haha). He’s seen me in one mortifying moment, that I wish he hadn’t, but he was so very sweet about.

 

Haha I like that! I never notice in the moment-he also just may share a lot. He’ll text something like “good morning! Just got done with xyz, it was brutal. Going to do abc I’m excited! Hope you’re having a good day :*” I usually just respond to that. Again to be fair, I consider the job training he’s in to be REALLY cool. My professional career is way less exciting to talk about and even though I run some side businesses, again, it’s a lot of crafting or computer time-not exactly the go go go action that good stories are made of. If things continue I’ll try to integrate it with humor like you did. I’ve never wanted to come off a show offy or braggy about multiple streams of income to anyone so I’ve just learned over time to keep my head down, stay in my lane and do it for me. No one before has ever understood why I’d choose to sit in my house for 16 hours crafting/creating away instead of out at a winery or a concert, but that’s where I thrive and 3000% where I’m happiest when I’m by myself.

[boltnrun]

Do you know for an absolute fact he's not dating anyone else? And I don't mean just in your "area", but anywhere at all?

 

Are you dating anyone else?

[Batya33]

I think it's important to be clear on what your intentions are towards each other and what kind of understanding/commitment you want whether or not you call it girlfriend/partner/SO/dating whatever.

[akrngrl]

Do you know for an absolute fact he's not dating anyone else? And I don't mean just in your "area", but anywhere at all?

 

Are you dating anyone else?

 

I mean I can only really go based on his word. He did end up hiding the gps location one we are matched on and the one we actually met through you update the location manually (and he had updated to his new location where he’ll be next month at some point, but I don’t know if it was before or after he said he wasn’t on them anymore).

 

As I’ve said, this seems more to be an issue to the idea of commitment and being with anyone at all rather than just wondering if I’m the right woman for that role. I’m not going to insist that, but that’s what he’s making it out to be. He’s said its got nothing to do at all with dating sites and keeping his options open.

 

I am not. I’m not much for multi-dating, it’s still a grey area if mine should be disabled because I did it a week ago in front of him, but then I made a comment about getting profiles back when he didn’t agree to be official and he was like “you can if you want-I’m not looking to meet anyone else” or something like that.

 

I swipe here and there and have responded to a few messages. No one at all worthwhile and usually I go a year or so between actually meeting someone worth more than a first meet, but I question if it’s even fair to meet someone else in the position I’m in.

[akrngrl]

I think it's important to be clear on what your intentions are towards each other and what kind of understanding/commitment you want whether or not you call it girlfriend/partner/SO/dating whatever.

 

Batya, that’s a good point. Is there a way to broach that in a few weeks maybe if he hasn’t had anything new or novel to report.

 

I literally cringe to being this up again and have to go round four because that might even do it for me, but your absolutely right. I’m still kind of leaning toward needing to know where we stand and at least what is/is not acceptable or expected before he leaves. Even if that doesn’t look like gf/bf commitment-I need to know on some level what’s going on.

 

I figure I could drop comments when he talks about plans or the future, but I don’t want them to go over his head to where he doesn’t notice or come off as bitter and passive aggressive either.

[katrina1980]

akr, how long have you been dating?

 

I'm unclear about that.

 

Also would you be feeling this way if it wasn't long distance?

 

JMO but I don't think the distance is relevant, someone is either ready and desirous of being in a committed relationship or not, regardless of the distance.

 

Pushing it (continuing to discuss) isn't gonna suddenly transform him into a man who wants it, if in his heart of hearts he doesn't.

 

Again regardless of the distance.

[boltnrun]

I mean I can only really go based on his word. He did end up hiding the gps location one we are matched on and the one we actually met through you update the location manually (and he had updated to his new location where he’ll be next month at some point, but I don’t know if it was before or after he said he wasn’t on them anymore).

 

As I’ve said, this seems more to be an issue to the idea of commitment and being with anyone at all rather than just wondering if I’m the right woman for that role. I’m not going to insist that, but that’s what he’s making it out to be. He’s said its got nothing to do at all with dating sites and keeping his options open.

 

I am not. I’m not much for multi-dating, it’s still a grey area if mine should be disabled because I did it a week ago in front of him, but then I made a comment about getting profiles back when he didn’t agree to be official and he was like “you can if you want-I’m not looking to meet anyone else” or something like that.

 

I swipe here and there and have responded to a few messages. No one at all worthwhile and usually I go a year or so between actually meeting someone worth more than a first meet, but I question if it’s even fair to meet someone else in the position I’m in.

 

So in other words, no, you don't know for a fact he's not dating anyone else?

[bluecastle]

I feel like I am his girlfriend-we’re just not calling it that.

 

While I wound't call this ignorant and entitled, I would call it risky. And, to push you a bit, dishonest. Some backpedaling. Sounds a bit like a way of filling in a the gap you need to be comfortable rather than accepting the gap and seeing if you can still find comfort.

 

Relationships—from casual to serious, from a four day fling to a 40 year marriage—work because two people are sharing a narrative, building a narrative together, and doing so pretty organically. Those narratives are probably never in pitch perfect sync, and converge and diverge over time. But they need to be close and they need a shared center to return to when one or both people diverge.

 

So if I'm in an awesome relationship with someone because there are no strings attached and she's an awesome relationship with me because she believes we're attaching strings—well, problem. We're telling two different stories and, as such, can't build a story together. Just like reinvent said, in her story: she and her brief guy were living in two different realities. Not sustainable.

 

Sure, you can broach everything in a few weeks—if, that is, you can actually go a few weeks without broaching this in a loop in your mind. If you can genuinely settle into this place, whatever it is, right now. And that's the key.

 

But please avoid the dropping of comments. That never works. As subtle as you think you're being, those droplets always land like anvils. Too heavy on a fragile foundation.

[Batya33]

Batya, that’s a good point. Is there a way to broach that in a few weeks maybe if he hasn’t had anything new or novel to report.

 

I literally cringe to being this up again and have to go round four because that might even do it for me, but your absolutely right. I’m still kind of leaning toward needing to know where we stand and at least what is/is not acceptable or expected before he leaves. Even if that doesn’t look like gf/bf commitment-I need to know on some level what’s going on.

 

I figure I could drop comments when he talks about plans or the future, but I don’t want them to go over his head to where he doesn’t notice or come off as bitter and passive aggressive either.

 

No dropping comments. Someone who wants to be with you will welcome the directness. When my husband and I got back together after several years apart (we dated then, weren't married) we knew we were going to be long distance and that factored in because if we got back together what would be the point of traveling to see each other and putting in all that extra effort if we weren't committed to each other? So we had approximately a two minute conversation: we were back together in order to see if this time we would get married. Did we hash out details about dating/exclusivity - no - it's obvious that if the purpose is serious long term potential you're not going to look to date others - you're focusing on each other only to see if there is serious potential. There is no way I would have put in that time and effort without that understanding and he would not have either.

[figureitout23]

I figure I could drop comments when he talks about plans or the future, but I don’t want them to go over his head to where he doesn’t notice or come off as bitter and passive aggressive either.

 

Honest question. Who taught you to be so afraid of female stereotypes?

 

There’s just so much fear of being you. I know I keep saying it but why are you willing to lose so much of yourself simply to keep him. You’re mentally compromising everything. Well I’m ok if he does this, I’m ok if he does that, I can wait, it’s ok, I’m ok with it.

 

I get what people are saying about not allowing your anxiety to ruin things it goes the other way too, don’t let your anxiety accept just any treatment.

 

I realize you can’t seem to figure out if it’s you or if it’s him, I recognize that, but this ain’t your first rodeo with all this either. There’s actually quite a few posts with you asking how to approach the subject of relationships so I truly can’t tell which came first the chicken or the egg? Are you pushing these men prematurely or are you chasing men after you become sexually active. That seems to be the only constant here

 

We’re all different, me personally, again, to me, too much writing is on the wall to act as if things are up in the air. He travels a lot, plenty of men on dating websites while they’re ‘in town’ doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out the risk you take when getting involved with ‘ in town for the weekenders’ he’s in a new city yet he was changing plans with you to hang out with ‘friends’. He told you his ex broke up with him because he travels a lot. You said you ‘normally’ ask all these questions before you even meet, yet you’re constabtly in limbo about a mans intentions...

 

I’m quite interested to see where all this leads. I think a lot of people hide their broken dating habits behind double talk when reality is there screaming to be recognized. Unfortunately the only person who truly knows what’s happening is you.

[katrina1980]

Bat, I agree with you but what's different about your situation imo is that you and your now husband dated previously, you had that history together and as such, the bond.

 

I am not sure of exactly how long akr and her guy have been dating, but if memory serves me correctly it's 1.5-2 months? Please correct me if I'm wrong.

 

How can a couple know for certain after only two months (1) they want to eventually get married or (2) they want to make a commitment to each other?

 

Can't speak for others but I take commitment very seriously, and am certainly not ready for it after only 2 months dating a man. Exclusively dating each other, yes but isn't that already happening?

 

I certainly would not push the issue after that short amount of time, and would not appreciate or like him pushing it either for that reason.

 

I don't think thats fair and places unnecessary pressure on a very new and developing relationship regardless of whether it's long distance or local.

[figureitout23]

Kat the woman’s not asking for a ring, she asked his intentions and girlfriends and gummy bears was his response.

[katrina1980]

Kat the woman’s not asking for a ring, she asked his intentions and girlfriends and gummy bears was his response.

 

I realize that but she did specifically say she's looking/wanting a "commitment" (she used that word) and wants assurances from him (after only two months) that he wants/is ready for that too.

 

I'm not defending him btw, I think he sounds shady and if were me, I would just walk.

[figureitout23]

Ahhhhhh gotcha.

[akrngrl]

akr, how long have you been dating?

 

I'm unclear about that.

 

Also would you be feeling this way if it wasn't long distance?

 

JMO but I don't think the distance is relevant, someone is either ready and desirous of being in a committed relationship or not, regardless of the distance.

 

Pushing it (continuing to discuss) isn't gonna suddenly transform him into a man who wants it, if in his heart of hearts he doesn't.

 

Again regardless of the distance.

 

It’s been two months. So you’re right in line.

 

That’s a bit tricky, to figure out. Had this same series of events played out (dating app updating etc.) yes I would have probably felt the same (realizing I want to-at the very least-clarify were on the same page because we were supposed to and I thought we were, but maybe I missed something)

 

Would I have done anything about it in the realm of saying something? Probably not. I would let time unfold as we continued to spend time with each other over the next few months and observe, observe, observe.

 

In my mind we were definitely headed toward a relationship and I kinda made mention of that a few weeks ago when the first discussion came up about “soooo what are you ultimately looking for?”

 

That’s interesting! I think this forum is helping me realize my main concern is perhaps the commitment level over the actual term. In my mind he/we were doing everything on the path to a relationship so it was effortless and easy. If some dealbreaker or glaring incompatibility came up that derailed that, okay, fair enough, but I never for a second assumed this wouldn’t make it because he simple just didn’t want one.

 

Granted I never saw if his lips matched his feet in terms of directly asking if he wanted a relationship, but everything else was a direct match: kind and consistent every single time. We naturally professes from once a week to twice a week dates, he never over texted, but never made me wonder if I’d hear from him, etc. I made him a care package while he was sick, we watched a Netflix show together and he overnighted nighted me some deserts from the restaurant. We have the same family values (or lack there of, etc). Kind of almost too good to be true status.

 

I truly understand about not pushing it. I feel like it seems like I bring it up a lot, but once was promoted by a comment he made to his friend-just wanted to find out where he stood (the “what are you on the apps for” question) and then right after he said he’d hidden the dating site and I saw that he didn’t. Even those I didn’t expect to be big, long conversations, but he has a lot (of the same stuff) to say.

[akrngrl]

Honest question. Who taught you to be so afraid of female stereotypes?

 

There’s just so much fear of being you. I know I keep saying it but why are you willing to lose so much of yourself simply to keep him. You’re mentally compromising everything. Well I’m ok if he does this, I’m ok if he does that, I can wait, it’s ok, I’m ok with it.

 

I get what people are saying about not allowing your anxiety to ruin things it goes the other way too, don’t let your anxiety accept just any treatment.

 

I realize you can’t seem to figure out if it’s you or if it’s him, I recognize that, but this ain’t your first rodeo with all this either. There’s actually quite a few posts with you asking how to approach the subject of relationships so I truly can’t tell which came first the chicken or the egg? Are you pushing these men prematurely or are you chasing men after you become sexually active. That seems to be the only constant here

 

We’re all different, me personally, again, to me, too much writing is on the wall to act as if things are up in the air. He travels a lot, plenty of men on dating websites while they’re ‘in town’ doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out the risk you take when getting involved with ‘ in town for the weekenders’ he’s in a new city yet he was changing plans with you to hang out with ‘friends’. He told you his ex broke up with him because he travels a lot. You said you ‘normally’ ask all these questions before you even meet, yet you’re constabtly in limbo about a mans intentions...

 

I’m quite interested to see where all this leads. I think a lot of people hide their broken dating habits behind double talk when reality is there screaming to be recognized. Unfortunately the only person who truly knows what’s happening is you.

 

I’m not sure haha. I’m normally (recently) blunt and to the point, and aside from owning up to “yes I was checking your distance that’s how I know” I feel like I was pretty straight forward when I asked to give a legit go at being official.

 

Oh I 3000% agree. In fact a few years ago I posted something about dating a guy for three months and we weren’t sexually or mutually exclusive and he bounced because of some lame excuse. Typically now (not that it ever happens often) I give it a month or two for a hey what’s up with us. Maybe that’s premature as I’m seeing people’s responses, but I always kind of felt like that was enough time to decide how you felt about someone.

 

It’s not that I don’t take commitment seriously but if we’re doing all the same things a couple is doing then to me we’re in a relationship. And if in two weeks/months/years one of us starts sucking then I don’t see the big deal in walking away. Ultimately I am looking for a lifelong commitment, but at the start I’m basically looking for “hey I think this has enough legs to make it worth a real shot, no distractions”

 

I’ve had few seriously long term relationships (2+ years), but everyone of those was someone I genuinely thought I’d be with forever. Clearly those didn’t work out haha.

 

Trust me I’m kicking myself for not asking upfront. He was the last person I met on a bet with a friend to “just say yes” (within reason obviously) for a whole month and agree to meet people without so much scrutiny. We exchanged four messages total and his last one was “I’m awful at checking this thing, let’s meet for coffee.”

 

Maybe all of that is something I have to look into with myself. Like I said I struggle to understand the difference between sexual and mutual exclusivity and being in a relationship. It’s always just seemed like a stall tactic to me. If you’re not sleeping or looking to date or meet other people and I’m not either, Congratulations, we are together. I’m open to understanding though. Maybe I’m just not viewing it in the right light.

 

To me this is the slowest (yet most comfortable) pace things have ever evolved at, but maybe I’m still jumping too much too soon.

[Batya33]

People can be sexually monogamous to avoid STDS and not be committed emotionally or in a relationship.

[akrngrl]

While I wound't call this ignorant and entitled, I would call it risky. And, to push you a bit, dishonest. Some backpedaling. Sounds a bit like a way of filling in a the gap you need to be comfortable rather than accepting the gap and seeing if you can still find comfort.

 

Relationships—from casual to serious, from a four day fling to a 40 year marriage—work because two people are sharing a narrative, building a narrative together, and doing so pretty organically. Those narratives are probably never in pitch perfect sync, and converge and diverge over time. But they need to be close and they need a shared center to return to when one or both people diverge.

 

So if I'm in an awesome relationship with someone because there are no strings attached and she's an awesome relationship with me because she believes we're attaching strings—well, problem. We're telling two different stories and, as such, can't build a story together. Just like reinvent said, in her story: she and her brief guy were living in two different realities. Not sustainable.

 

Sure, you can broach everything in a few weeks—if, that is, you can actually go a few weeks without broaching this in a loop in your mind. If you can genuinely settle into this place, whatever it is, right now. And that's the key.

 

But please avoid the dropping of comments. That never works. As subtle as you think you're being, those droplets always land like anvils. Too heavy on a fragile foundation.

 

I think I can. Honestly the only reason this week was so tragically bad was because he had led me to believe there was an answer. I knew it was coming, I just didn’t know when and what it would be. I thought it would be better news just because of the effort in venue and all he said leading up to it. To not get good news or bad news for that matter was just crushing because I had every confidence that one way or the other issue would be case closed.

 

Now I’m going forward just enjoying the time. He still wants to take me out regardless of the fact that there is no sex and that leads me to think he’s not just trying to string me along. Added bonus that I don’t feel like I’m giving all the relationship benefits away. Sex is important to me and we were on the same page about not being okay with just having it or having it with multiple people.

 

I am worried about next months events, but we’ll have to deal with those when they arrive. Okay, no dropping comments!

[akrngrl]

So in other words, no, you don't know for a fact he's not dating anyone else?

 

No, I do not. How would I find that out though?