Update & question on where to go from here

[akrngrl]

akr, I think we all want someone who is "all in" and a "teammate," the question is how soon should we expect this from our partners?

 

In reading a bit of your previous thread, you've been dating a little over one month? On December 1st you had had four dates, so is that a safe assumption?

 

To me, that is very early, too early to be bringing any of this up imo, although I realize many people think it's important and have a need to know, so not gonna judge you on that, if that's what you need.

 

I hesitate to give more of my thoughts as you already know what my attitude is, except to say, again, you just have to do what's right for you, what you're comfortable with.

 

If you're not comfortable with allowing him the space and time to move towards you at his own pace, you need the relationship defined and to be known as his "girlfriend," then that is certainly your prerogative.

 

However, I certainly wouldn't call it him being wishy-washy or "wobbly" as bluecastle defined, just because he may not be where you are at this early stage in the game.

 

Again it's only been a little over one month.

 

But again this just my personal mindset based on what's comfortable for me, how I conduct my relationships and what works for me and my partners, specifically my current boyfriend and how we got to where we are now.

 

Good luck!!

 

Thank you! I appreciate your insight! It’s been just about two months-I had intended to wait until the end of the month to bring it up, but seeing him on the sites made me realize that I couldn’t wait that long and avoid him (we were being intimate and I realized I couldn’t be intimate any longer if I didn’t know where he stood/was potentially hedging his bets to see what other women were available in his new town next month).

 

I wasn’t sure how long to give him to “work through his stuff”, but they way he was communicating I took as a sign that he has come to a conclusion already and was going to share it when we got together this week for dinner. Now I’m wondering if this is going to be more of a negotiation than an answer.

 

My issue is that I did lay myself on the line, I put myself out there and stated what I wanted, which is new for me and I’m kinda proud of lol. So I guess at this point it’s like “well if it’s not a resounding yes on his end, what even is the point of this?”

 

Plus as I’ve said, I took sexual intimacy off the table until we came to a conclusion. Not as a punishment, but as a boundary I needed to set to not get more attached.

 

I guess I’m just assuming that if he’s still unsure, I don’t know how to take that in any other way than “you’re good, just not good enough” since he knows how I feel and that it’s something I want. I’m open to other perspectives though as we’ve seen haha, but it’s unlikely that I’d be able to go back to being intimate-which stinks because we had amazing chemistry.

 

I also feel like a relationship dating phase should either constantly be growing or shrinking. It being stagnant isn’t ideal and that’s what I view our time apart for three months as. If we part not together officially, I can’t think of anything that’ll happen in the three months of us being apart that’ll spark his “okay I’m ready now” as there will no longer be consistent dates, etc.

 

I love your input so I’m super open to any thoughts of how you’d handle a situation such as that. Being that we basically said a relationship is what we have minus the apps and the titles that we’re not currently using, I’m not sure how to not take his hesitancy personally. Kind of like “we agreed to not date other people and that we’re not looking sooo why do we need these apps for?”

[akrngrl]

ETA: I think things picked up the pace a bit after the holidays and we spent about a week together consistently due to events with his friends and whatnot.

 

I guess me saying that I want a relationship with him and me interpreting all his actions as those of someone who was working towards a relationship also, influenced my decision to bring it up this early. I understand sexual exclusivity and the ability to still meet other people, but not be intimate, but I don’t know that I fully understand being ~exclusive on all fronts, but not in a “relationship”. To me they are kind of the same thing.

 

I also know that since he said his hesitancy is with his lifestyle-that’s his profession and that won’t change. He’s not new to traveling, but this is a new field for him, and he’s said many times his absolute dream job. If that’s what he’s struggling with I don’t know that any more time waited would have helped, but I do agree that normally my goal is to wait until the three month mark to have a discussion about a decision.

 

That’s my personal boundary though as I had wasted far too much time in dating people that were happy with status quo and didn’t have an intention of pursuing things further with me while the whole while I thought we were building toward a relationship.

[bluecastle]

So much to say here, so hard to type on a phone.

 

So let me first ask a question: When you say you laid it all out there, what do you mean? That you wanted a teammate, etc.?

[akrngrl]

So much to say here, so hard to type on a phone.

 

So let me first ask a question: When you say you laid it all out there, what do you mean? That you wanted a teammate, etc.?

 

Haha I feel that! I just figured out how to have the response show up in the grey box [emoji23]

 

Yes, when he came over earlier this week I said something to the effect of “yanno, even if you’re hidden your matches can still message you and I’m still being bombarded. I’ve had a lot of fun this past week and we seem to really enjoy each other’s company, would you be willing to delete the apps and make this a legitimate relationship?”

 

That’s when he expresses his hesitancy about his lifestyle and not being around and some past relationship that has failed because of distance. He said that this (his hesitancies) didn’t mean that he couldn’t get there or didn’t want to get there (being on board in a relationship) but that he needed to sort some stuff out in his head first.

 

I said okay, but while we’re in this space I unfortunately can’t continue to be intimate because I’ll get more attached, etc.

 

We had plans already for dinner this week so he said he still of course wanted to go out and date me regardless of the no intimacy.

 

Yesterday we were texting and he was saying he was sad and felt like a disappointment for not having the ideal answer or situation right now and I was basically like I’d rather you put thought into it and be sure in your answer as I’m only willing to invest in a man who is as into the idea of being a team as I am. He agreed about only investing In a team and was saying he wanted to give it ample thought and be good to me and that he had been thinking about it non-stop and had thoughts to share with me when we met for dinner.

 

Today he said he was excited to see me later this week (he always says that). I was honest and said I was nervous and he was like “I’m sorry I don’t want to make you nervous, you’re great!” He’s picking the dinner meetup spot and we settled on a time.

[bluecastle]

Did you mean you were being bombarded by former matches? If so, were you chatting with them? Did any of those messages trigger any interest?

[katrina1980]

 

I love your input so I’m super open to any thoughts of how you’d handle a situation such as that.

 

As I said before, if I am not comfortable, with our connection, the pace, with anything really, then I leave.

 

That said, it's difficult if not impossible for me to respond properly because I would not have handled any of this the way you have.

 

Not that you're wrong, again you have to do you.

 

But tbh it appears to me from everything you've posted, you're approaching this from a place of anxiety, paranoia, and insecurity (which you've actually admitted) rather than a genuine place of wanting to feel connected and build intimacy.

 

And he may be (and probably is) feeling that which adds to his hesitancy and ambivalence.

 

As I and many others have said, it's never a good to allow your anxieties and insecurities to steer the ship; it rarely if ever leads to anything good or positive, especially a relationship.

 

I wish you luck when you speak with him and hope it all works out the way you hope it will. :)

[akrngrl]

Did you mean you were being bombarded by former matches? If so, were you chatting with them? Did any of those messages trigger any interest?

 

I did talk to a few of them. Literally none sparked any interest. Mostly guys just trying to get me out for the night or old guys that went cold circling back. I may have embellished with the term bombarded lol. It was like 10 people, but still a major eye roll when it kept popping up on my phone. I’m also on some non-app sites that I occasionally glanced through, but I don’t say this lightly, this current guy (while not typically my type) is incredible.

 

My posting here doesn’t seem like it, but up until the dating app update things were awesome. He’s fun, understanding, caring, he gets me out of my comfort zone and I learn so much from him.

 

That’s also probably why I jumped so early. We’ve had upwards of 20 dates I’d say (lost count) and I’ve literally never made it past date 7 with anyone ever that I didn’t find something I didn’t like about their personality or character. Whether I ignored it and forged on is another story lol, but he consistently has shown up time and time again.

 

He’s been sick and frustrated and happy all in the time we’ve been seeing each other and I haven’t had one qualm.

 

Not that it’s his job to sooth me or anything and he doesn’t expressly know about my anxiety (minus one mortifying experience, which again he was amazing about while I was profusely apologetic), but for the most part being is his presence is very calming and NOT something I’ve ever experienced with anyone before. Especially not someone I wanted to impress lol

[akrngrl]

As I said before, if I am not comfortable with something, then I leave.

 

That said, it's difficult if not impossible for me to respond properly because I would not have handled any of this the way you have.

 

Not that you're wrong, again you have to do you.

 

But tbh it appears to me from everything you've posted, you're approaching this from a place of anxiety, paranoia, and insecurity (which you've actually admitted) rather than a genuine place of wanting to feel connected and build intimacy.

 

And he may be feeling that which adds to his hesitancy.

 

As I and many others have said, it's never a good idea to allow your anxieties and insecurities to steer the ship, and rarely if ever leads to a good positive place.

 

I totally understand that. Honestly my ~what is this anxiety was high the day I brought up being in a relationship, but I didn’t act on it (I almost backed out and didn’t bring it up because we were having so much fun and enjoying the moment) and it’s been high today for whatever reason which I did own up to being nervous. Not because I wanted him to do anything, but just in the case of being open about how I was feeling. Even after he apologized I was like “nope it’s not you it’s all me, I’ll work through it and get over it”.

 

I dance the line of wanting to share those things in general and wanting to always be fun and in a good headspace. I felt safe to do it since he shared his feelings yesterday via text.

 

In general my desire to be in a relationship with him is because I want to build something together. I know what you’re saying though because I have been in the “I want him just to want him so I feel better” situation and I can say pretty confidently that this isn’t the same feeling. It’s more like I’m wrestling with my old mindset (if that makes sense?) the one that’s negative self talk and putting myself down, etc. yesterday I was super confident and all “let the chips fall where they may/if he doesn’t want what I want then he’s not the right person for me and that’s okay” and today a bit of that old mindset of “what if he doesn’t want me?” Has cropped up, which I’ve been acknowledging and letting pass through trying not to give it any weight.

[katrina1980]

 

yesterday I was super confident and all “let the chips fall where they may/if he doesn’t want what I want then he’s not the right person for me and that’s okay” and today a bit of that old mindset of “what if he doesn’t want me?” Has cropped up, which I’ve been acknowledging and letting pass through trying not to give it any weight.

 

I'm sorry but I cannot relate to this either. Assuming your connection is strong, and the positive energy between both of you is high (which is how it should be) where does this "if he doesn’t want what I want then he’s not the right person for me, ” or “what if he doesn’t want me?” come from?

 

That's some strong negative energy, and even if you try hard to hide that energy, he is going to sense it.

 

Why not switch that negative mindset to "our connection is strong, our energy is high, of course he wants me, how could he not!!?" "I choose to enjoy our RL, allow the intimacy to build naturally, and NOT push this." "It's still early stages, only two months."

You know I never told anyone on this forum this, but my bf was still on the dating site until we became exclusive after almost THREE months.

 

You know what and I say this is all sincerity. I didn't give a hill of beans, why? Because I KNEW what we had was special (and rare), and I highly doubted he would find the type of connection we had established with anyone else. I had my moments at times (the normal fears and anxieties) but I did not feel threatened by that.

 

That's how confident I was, and I am not even normally all that confident! But I was confident in that.

 

And that is exactly what happened, how it played out, and after three months we became formally official, exclusive, and he actually admitted he had been exclusive anyway the entire time (even though he had never deleted his profile from the site).

 

JMO akr but something is missing for you. Not right. And it has nothing to do with his lack of commitment. It's something you're sensing, something about your connection that doesn't feel quite right that is causing you to project these feelings on to him.

 

This is where your anxiety stems from IMO.

[akrngrl]

I'm sorry but I cannot relate to this either. Assuming your connection is strong, and the positive energy between both of you is high (which is how it should be) where does this "if he doesn’t want what I want then he’s not the right person for me, ” or “what if he doesn’t want me?” come from?

 

That's some strong negative energy, and even if you try hard to hide that energy, he is going to sense it.

 

Why not switch that negative mindset to "our connection is strong, our energy is high, of course he wants me, how could he not!!?" "I am simply going to enjoy our RL, allow the intimacy to build naturally, and NOT push this."

 

You know I never told anyone on this forum this, but my bf was still on the dating site until we became exclusive after almost THREE months.

 

You know what and I say this is all sincerity. I didn't give a hill of beans, why? Because I KNEW what we had was special (and rare), and I highly doubted he would find the type of connection we had established with anyone else.

 

That's how confident I was, and I am not even normally all that confident! But I was confident in that.

 

And that is exactly what happened, how it played out, and after three months we became formally official, exclusive, and he actually admitted he had been exclusive anyway the entire time (even though he had never deleted his profile from the site).

 

I had to chuckle that even what I thought was my positive energy is still negative [emoji23]

 

I guess it comes from the fact that some part of me figures that he would have automatically been on board if our energies were in sync.

 

(I actually did say that to him [emoji23]-the bit about how could you not want me, I’m great! It was in jest to make him smile because he was all glassy eyed, but it came equipped with the Vanna White sashay and all 🤣)

 

I tend to rationalize myself out of being uncomfortable and am not as good as you when it comes to leaving when uncomfortable (at least the old version of me, I haven’t been in a relationship in a few years so maybe I’m better at it now). That makes it hard for me to pick up on nuances, and I depend on honesty from the other person (which is unlikely when they’re stepping out on you or just aren’t feeling it and going through the motions). I’m like “we’re a team let’s work through this!” Even when clearly we are not on the same page (gosh I hope I’ve wised up by now lol).

 

I mean it 100% when I read what you’re saying and I’m like “yeah! Why can’t I do that!? That seems like a good idea.”

 

For whatever reason once I hit a certain point with someone, in this case laying my feelings out and whatnot, I want to be building toward something and do everything to mitigate the risk of investing in something that potentially holds the risk of ultimately going nowhere. I’m willing to explore that though because perhaps there’s something to it and i need to change that mindset.

 

The first handful of dates were fun and exciting but also I had no expectations, but naturally as I learned more about him and we got closer I’ve been like “okay I want more of this, I want to be with him” and his actions/words indicated the same. I guess my hesitancy in now telling him it’s okay if he’s unsure that we should just let it happen is that I’m in some way shelfing my want to call him my boyfriend and how long to do that for before moving on. I probably should have just kept my mouth closed and never asked lol, but if nothing else this is a good practice run in me exercising my wants/needs. I’ve never asked anyone to be with me before [emoji23]

[akrngrl]

You know I never told anyone on this forum this, but my bf was still on the dating site until we became exclusive after almost THREE months.

 

You know what and I say this is all sincerity. I didn't give a hill of beans, why? Because I KNEW what we had was special (and rare), and I highly doubted he would find the type of connection we had established with anyone else. I had my moments at times (the normal fears and anxieties) but I did not feel threatened by that.

 

That's how confident I was, and I am not even normally all that confident! But I was confident in that.

 

And that is exactly what happened, how it played out, and after three months we became formally official, exclusive, and he actually admitted he had been exclusive anyway the entire time (even though he had never deleted his profile from the site).

 

JMO akr but something is missing for you. Not right. And it has nothing to do with his lack of commitment. It's something you're sensing, something about your connection that doesn't feel quite right that is causing you to project these feelings on to him.

 

This is where your anxiety stems from IMO.

 

That’s awesome and I wish I had the confidence for that!

 

You could 100% be right. I’m trying to reflect on what that might be though. Perhaps because it almost seems too good to be true? Those things usually are, and he’s like the opposite of me in the best way and makes me want to venture out and do exciting things with him and his job allows me the safety of my space that I so dearly cherish. Maybe I’m giving him Too much power.

[katrina1980]

 

I guess it comes from the fact that some part of me figures that he would have automatically been on board if our energies were in sync.

 

 

I actually modified my post at the end to reflect this^.

 

I don't think your energies are in sync, I don't think your connection with each other is in sync either, if it were, I don't think you'd be feeling this way, this anxious, this paranoid, which again you've admitted.

 

I think you're sensing this, projecting these feelings on to him, which adds to the anxiety and the overall negativity and anxious feelings.

 

Perhaps you should just sit back for awhile, try to relax your thoughts.

 

This may sound hokey but yoga helps calm me a lot and keeps me centered.

 

I actually used to be quite anxious (about everything) and yoga has helped me better than any meds ever could or ever will!

 

I truly believe once you get calm, everything will become more clear, you will gain more clarity and know what to do, what's right for you.

 

Minus the anxiety, the paranoia, the insecurity, the preconceived notions of how things should be or are supposed to be, after two months, six months, six years or 60 years!

 

JMO. :)

[figureitout23]

Haha I feel that! I just figured out how to have the response show up in the grey box [emoji23]

 

Yes, when he came over earlier this week I said something to the effect of “yanno, even if you’re hidden your matches can still message you and I’m still being bombarded. I’ve had a lot of fun this past week and we seem to really enjoy each other’s company, would you be willing to delete the apps and make this a legitimate relationship?”

 

That’s when he expresses his hesitancy about his lifestyle and not being around and some past relationship that has failed because of distance. He said that this (his hesitancies) didn’t mean that he couldn’t get there or didn’t want to get there (being on board in a relationship) but that he needed to sort some stuff out in his head first.

 

I said okay, but while we’re in this space I unfortunately can’t continue to be intimate because I’ll get more attached, etc.

 

We had plans already for dinner this week so he said he still of course wanted to go out and date me regardless of the no intimacy.

 

Yesterday we were texting and he was saying he was sad and felt like a disappointment for not having the ideal answer or situation right now and I was basically like I’d rather you put thought into it and be sure in your answer as I’m only willing to invest in a man who is as into the idea of being a team as I am. He agreed about only investing In a team and was saying he wanted to give it ample thought and be good to me and that he had been thinking about it non-stop and had thoughts to share with me when we met for dinner.

 

Today he said he was excited to see me later this week (he always says that). I was honest and said I was nervous and he was like “I’m sorry I don’t want to make you nervous, you’re great!” He’s picking the dinner meetup spot and we settled on a time.

 

The most awesome thing about this site is youre going to get advice from so many different perspectives and personality types.

 

Some are very fluid with their sexuality and in relationships, then you have some who are very much whats black is black whats white is white.

 

Its about finding out who you are and taking the advice that fits you.'

 

Unfortunately though its easy to want to be 'that girl' I often talk about this 'person' its a woman who pretends to be what she believes men want. I dont know if anyone else has ever seen Gone Girl but theres a scene where she describes how people fake who they are to attract a mate, her language is rated R so I wont repeat it, but its easy to fall into the 'yeah, Im perfectly ok with waiting for you to decide', because, well it is easier, you arent going to lose a guy by the dreaded 'scaring him away'. But as Ive said before pretending means you lose yourself all for the sake of keeping a mate, is it worth it?

 

Thats not to say you should rush and demand someone be your mate but being uneasy and afraid and anxious to the point that its disrupting the relationship means, to me, somethings off.

 

I really think if youre anxious about where you stand you simply arent 'that girl'.

 

I can say with certainty Im not that girl, men can think Im the biggest prudish cold b*tch in the world, with age Ive learned my self esteem cannot handle waiting for someone to 'decide'.

 

Its much more fun and fulfilling to take that journey of 'deciding' together.

 

Most of the men Ive dated/encountered, knew pretty quickly what they were looking for. Im sorry not trying to be an a** but if youre on a dating website, you know what youre looking for, and if you dont, if you just want to dip your feet in to 'see' well you probably wouldn't be a match for me because Im not in the dip my feet phase so the risk of me being more invested than you simply isnt worth it to me.

 

Thats me.

 

And again, that doesnt mean Im pushing for an instant relationship, I dated a dude a while ago for 5 or 6 months with zero labels, never once doubted where his head was at, because he was capable of telling me from day one and I did the same. "Im looking for a relationship", " I dont multidate" " I dont sleep with multiple partners" " Im looking for casual" "Im looking for a sex buddy" I have yet to encounter anyone who truly didnt know what role you were 'trying out for'.

 

I personally just cant function in the clouds, NOT SAYING THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG WITH IT, I just feel the most secure when I dont have to wonder. I have anxiety when I date, I get nervous, I have fears, but I learned to avoid men who make me "earn my place", again, I prefer to take the journey together,Im not a show dog.

 

While I disagree with a lot of Batyas dating methods, her standards, and not wasting time with men who didn't match them is pretty smart Im starting to believe.

 

ETA - I agree with Kat that just sitting back and figuring out what YOU want vs waiting anxiously to see if youre what he wants is a much better way to spend your time, give it time, get some space.

[akrngrl]

I actually modified my post at the end to reflect this^.

 

I don't think your energies are in sync, I don't think your connection with each other is in sync either, if it were, I don't think you'd be feeling this way, this anxious, this paranoid, which again you've admitted.

 

I think you're sensing this, projecting these feelings on to him, which adds to the anxiety and the overall negativity and anxious feelings.

 

Perhaps you should just sit back for awhile, try to relax your thoughts.

 

This may sound hokey but yoga helps calm me a lot and keeps me centered.

 

I actually used to be quite anxious (about everything) and yoga has helped me better than any meds ever could or ever will!

 

I truly believe once you get calm, everything will become more clear, you will gain more clarity and know what to do, what's right for you.

 

Minus the anxiety, the paranoia, the insecurity, the preconceived notions of how things should be or are supposed to be, after two months, six months, six years or 60 years!

 

JMO. :)

 

Thank you! I really appreciate all you’re input. I’m hoping I can get clarity as well and will definitely try before we meet.

 

I’m actually leaning away from needing the cut/dry yes or no answer and am finding solace in the fact that once he shares his thoughts I can request some time to process it myself...and of course seek insight here haha.

 

I’ve learned a lot from this forum over the years and I think I’m a little quick to apply all the advice I’ve learned along with my own preferences. I know 99% of the time when a guy drags his feet on committing its said it’s because he doesn’t want to be with you. I hate to claim this is the cliche 1% but he’s so genuinely sincere that I can only guess that he’s really putting in that effort to sort things out.

 

Hopefully he shares positive thoughts!

[katrina1980]

 

I know 99% of the time when a guy drags his feet on committing its said it’s because he doesn’t want to be with you. I hate to claim this is the cliche 1% but he’s so genuinely sincere that I can only guess that he’s really putting in that effort to sort things out.

 

Hopefully he shares positive thoughts!

 

I agree, but again it's only been two months akr, very early stages.

 

Please try and remember this.

 

I think it's unrealistic to expect "commitment" after only two months.

 

I believe you already said you were exclusive, try and focus on that, and what he does give you, not on what he doesn't.

 

Give the RL and his commitment to you (and yours to him) time to evolve.

 

I mean what's the rush? Serious question.

 

I am just curious, where did you learn that you should expect commitment after only two months and that if a man isn't quite ready for that giant leap, it means you're not good enough? Or that he doesn't want to be with you?

 

I am surprised by this mindset, and find it to be quite unrealistic and even self-sabotaging!

[figureitout23]

I agree, but again it's only been two months akr, very early stages.

 

Please try and remember this.

 

I think it's unrealistic to expect "commitment" after only two months.

 

I believe you already said you were exclusive, try and focus on that, and what he does give you, not on what he doesn't.

 

Give the RL and his commitment to you (and yours to him) time to evolve.

 

I am just curious, where did you learn that you should expect commitment after only two months and that if a man isn't quite ready for that giant leap, it means you're not good enough?

 

I am surprised by this mindset, and find it to be quite unrealistic and even self-sabotaging?

 

After 2 months a man can at least tell you his future goals and intentions. Most can tell you pretty much right away, most wont flat out lie, some will be honest, some will give wishy washy answers to keep you there.

 

NOT SAYING THATS WHAT HES DOING

 

Simply explaining where the mindset comes from...life.

[katrina1980]

Thanks fio.

 

In response, sure a man (or woman) can tell you anything they want; bottom line is no one knows what they want, or what their intentions are, with that particular person until they spend time with that person getting to know them, establishing a connection, and developing TRUST.

 

And that takes time.

 

For some, they may know after a short time with that person, for others, longer.

 

There is no "rule" that states a man (or woman) should know with certainty within a specific period of time, like say within one month or two months, I just refuse to believe that.

 

We are all different and move towards relationships and commitment at our own pace and that may vary depending on who we're dating, our dynamic, our connection and the level of trust established with each other.

[figureitout23]

Thanks fio.

 

In response, sure a man (or woman) can tell you anything they want; bottom line is no one knows what they want, or what their intentions are, with that particular person until they spend time with that person getting to know them, establishing a connection, and developing TRUST.

 

And that takes time.

 

For some, they may know after a short time with that person, for others, longer.

 

There is no "rule" that states a man (or woman) should know with certainty within a specific period of time, like say within one month or two months, I just refuse to believe that.

 

We are all different and move towards relationships and commitment at our own pace and that may vary depending on who they're dating, their dynamic, their connection and the level of trust established with that person.

 

Yeah people lie everyday.

 

But to me, its a paper tiger argument.

 

Some lie, most don’t.

 

I can tell you I’m looking for a relationship and it doesn’t mean with you necessarily. It means that’s my goal.

 

If I put on a dating website that I’m looking for marriage that doesn’t mean I’m gonna expect to marry the first person i see it means that’s my goal.

 

There’s nothing wrong with floundering about with no goal but, to me, it’s kinda messed up to sleep with and accept knowing someone has feelings for you knowing you’re floundering. Especially after 2 months, 60 days, 8 weeks, you’re getting to know someone pretty decently at this point.

 

Where were you at with your boyfriend after two months?

 

There is no rule, but it’s a given you have an idea.

 

She asked his goal and he gave a spiel about his ex girlfriend getting mad about his commitment. What does that mean? The black and white answer would mean, I’m not looking for a relationship.

 

Then he went on to say he’s going to give things some serious thought, after 8 weeks and spending serious time with someone has this not crossed his mind? I don’t know I just find that a little hard to believe.That’s where my black and white mind goes but I can also see the point of well he’s been honest thus far maybe he is giving it serious thought so I honestly get your line of thinking.

 

But I also remember recent posts where the poster was VERY hopeful and painted her interactions in a hopeful manner and after pages and pages of what ifs and maybes, she really could have saved herself the heartache by simply taking someone on their word.

 

I’m not saying she should break up or get more anxious I think you’re right and she should get some space. I just don’t think it’s wise to ignore your instinct. Sometimes it’s there because you know deep down things aren’t where they should be.

[akrngrl]

Thanks fio.

 

In response, sure a man (or woman) can tell you anything they want; bottom line is no one knows what they want, or what their intentions are, with that particular person until they spend time with that person getting to know them, establishing a connection, and developing TRUST.

 

And that takes time.

 

For some, they may know after a short time with that person, for others, longer.

 

There is no "rule" that states a man (or woman) should know with certainty within a specific period of time, like say within one month or two months, I just refuse to believe that.

 

We are all different and move towards relationships and commitment at our own pace and that may vary depending on who we're dating, our dynamic, our connection and the level of trust established with each other.

 

Kind of like what FIO said about knowing after two months maybe not with certainty a relationship with that person, but what category they put them in (fwb, relationship, etc).

 

Perhaps I also have a lighter view of a relationship-I don’t think it’s that deep in the sense of “let’s try it, if it doesn’t work that’s okay I’m not going to force you to stay”.

 

Perhaps if I had moved slower on all accounts and things were still developing, but at this point I’m kind of like “hey you’ve gotten mostly all of me, I like you, let’s give this a go”. Like I said earlier the whole traveling bit and planned vacations-I’m not the type of lady to Jetset at all, let alone with someone I wouldn’t consider a partner, but my thoughts may change.

 

I think I’m also in a space of “if I meet someone that treats me well and is everything I ever wanted, despite the label, could I be okay with that?” Lots or exploring to do there because you brought up valid and interesting points.

 

If he viewed a relationship as like a fast track to marriage or something more heavily I for sure would have understood his pause, but being we agreed it’s what we largely already have I’m kind of like “okay so? What do you need to get there?”

 

I was/am a bit worried he was heavily considering how it would work out in the future (with his lifestyle) and I made my decision based off of what we have right now in the present. I haven’t seriously gotten to thinking about that part yet. I’ve had LDR’s where he kept to our weekly movie/tv show night (within reason) and I’ve had LDR’s where the guy couldn’t have been bothered to pick up the phone once a month. I’d have to observe how this particular guy does and see if it matches my needs and if I can match his while there’s space between us.

[figureitout23]

Kind of like what FIO said about knowing after two months maybe not with certainty a relationship with that person, but what category they put them in (fwb, relationship, etc).

 

Perhaps I also have a lighter view of a relationship-I don’t think it’s that deep in the sense of “let’s try it, if it doesn’t work that’s okay I’m not going to force you to stay”.

 

Perhaps if I had moved slower on all accounts and things were still developing, but at this point I’m kind of like “hey you’ve gotten mostly all of me, I like you, let’s give this a go”. Like I said earlier the whole traveling bit and planned vacations-I’m not the type of lady to Jetset at all, let alone with someone I wouldn’t consider a partner, but my thoughts may change.

 

I think I’m also in a space of “if I meet someone that treats me well and is everything I ever wanted, despite the label, could I be okay with that?” Lots or exploring to do there because you brought up valid and interesting points.

 

If he viewed a relationship as like a fast track to marriage or something more heavily I for sure would have understood his pause, but being we agreed it’s what we largely already have I’m kind of like “okay so? What do you need to get there?”

 

I was/am a bit worried he was heavily considering how it would work out in the future (with his lifestyle) and I made my decision based off of what we have right now in the present. I haven’t seriously gotten to thinking about that part yet. I’ve had LDR’s where he kept to our weekly movie/tv show night (within reason) and I’ve had LDR’s where the guy couldn’t have been bothered to pick up the phone once a month. I’d have to observe how this particular guy does and see if it matches my needs and if I can match his while there’s space between us.

 

I think I said this already but I dated a dude for like 5 months with zero labels and I was abl to do that because I KNEW where his head was at, Kat is actually saying the same thing I am, whether she realizes it or not, she said her boyfriend didn't delete his profile for three months but she didn't care, not because shes Teflon Don, its because she knew where his head was at.

 

At the end of the day, you dont know where his head is at and when you tried to ask he gave you vague responses. That would make most uneasy. Thats the reality of this to me.

[katrina1980]

I think I said this already but I dated a dude for like 5 months with zero labels and I was abl to do that because I KNEW where his head was at, Kat is actually saying the same thing I am, whether she realizes it or not, she said her boyfriend didn't delete his profile for three months but she didn't care, not because shes Teflon Don, its because she knew where his head was at.

 

At the end of the day, you dont know where his head is at and when you tried to ask he gave you vague responses. That would make most uneasy. Thats the reality of this to me.

 

Agree!! All of it, well said. :)

 

Which is what I meant akr when I said something was missing for you, something about your energies, your connection, that doesn't feel quite right.

 

It's what FIO said, you don't know where his head is at and that is the problem.

[akrngrl]

Agree!! All of it, well said. :)

 

Ah sorry I misread! I think I’m just going to have to chill and see what his thoughts are that he wants to share. I’m only ruminating on old info so I’ll have a better idea of where his head is at this week hopefully. He’s acting as though everything is status quo so I will go with that for now.

[Batya33]

In my experience if a guy knows where his head is at and his head wants to be with the woman potentially long term and seriously he wants to tell her that with words she will understand -it's technically a "label" but it's the meaning behind it that counts and the majority of the time men want their special women to know where they stand without any doubt or question. My marriage vows were not just a label and nor was my husband asking me if I wanted to "get back together" - we both knew what that phrase meant. There are always exceptions. I think those exceptions are very rare with serious minded people especially men since typically they bring it up first. Whether something is technically a label - like someone's grad degree "label" or title at work or marital status is besides the point and being dismissive about "just a label" often is a rationalization and often one told by women to themselves when they're trying to justify sticking around (not necessarily in your case, I get it!)

[Wiseman2]

Ok that clarifies things. You are ok with a LDR, so when he moves you can continue that way..

the only thing that changes for me as far as an LDR is I get hours of my life back not scrolling through dating profiles and forcing myself on mediocre coffee meets. My life remains the same, and even though my alone life is very different from my “with someone” life, I like both.

[akrngrl]

In my experience if a guy knows where his head is at and his head wants to be with the woman potentially long term and seriously he wants to tell her that with words she will understand -it's technically a "label" but it's the meaning behind it that counts and the majority of the time men want their special women to know where they stand without any doubt or question. My marriage vows were not just a label and nor was my husband asking me if I wanted to "get back together" - we both knew what that phrase meant. There are always exceptions. I think those exceptions are very rare with serious minded people especially men since typically they bring it up first. Whether something is technically a label - like someone's grad degree "label" or title at work or marital status is besides the point and being dismissive about "just a label" often is a rationalization and often one told by women to themselves when they're trying to justify sticking around (not necessarily in your case, I get it!)

 

I definitely understand this as well! I feel if perhaps I hadn’t brought it up I would have been okay and secure in what we have going on. To me we are just finalizing taking any other options for others off the table, which is why I’m having a hard time justifying sticking around.

 

If he shares something else that’s holding him up I’m more than willing to listen and take it into consideration (not saying I’d be okay with it), but maybe my perspective doesn’t include all factors.