Update & question on where to go from here

[figureitout23]

Agree with you both.

[boltnrun]

Do we know yet when he's leaving?

 

OP, I think it's actually very simple. You are afraid of losing this guy, you're afraid of "scaring him off", so you pretend to be fine with a casual, see where this goes situation. But that's not what you really want.

 

All this angst is caused by you not being honest with yourself.

[katrina1980]

 

OP, I think it's actually very simple. You are afraid of losing this guy, you're afraid of "scaring him off", so you pretend to be fine with a casual, see where this goes situation. But that's not what you really want.

 

All this angst is caused by you not being honest with yourself.

 

Exactly, a shorter (perhaps more precise) version of what I just posted.

[reinventmyself]

It’s more so that I like to make calculated risks with money and kind of back to my two different lifestyles I mentioned earlier. Single me is a hermit who loves to never leave the house and therefore wants it to be an oasis. Dating me is willing/wants to travel and be out and about and experiencing new things.

 

I can’t explain why there is such a drastic difference between the two, but it makes it hard for me to find balance in the middle as there is no overlap.

 

I’d say It was because I was looking for a man to make me happy, but that’s genuinely not the case. When I’m alone I’m happiest in my little bubble and I have no desire to leave. Having two people in my bubble though? Nope, no thank you-much rather be out and about.

I actually deleted the question about doing the bathroom because I didnt think it was possible that you'd actually consider it.

[akrngrl]

All valid points and I suppose the general consensus is that I don’t know what I want from him (other than to know we were on the same page) I thought that was being official two weeks ago, but now I see that’s not the case.

 

I’m trying to be more open minded because my boundaries are typically very rigid: no kids or desire for one, no sex before exclusivity (at least sexual), and a month or two of dating to see if there is any potential or dealbreakers-after that, the next step.

 

Finding out that some people just don’t operate they way and it’s not because they’re looking to jerk me around is where I’m at with the pendulum. I try to consider it and then my old thoughts come back and I swing the other way.

 

To a certain extent perhaps I don’t know what I want other than a long term relationship, hopefully leading to marriage. How I get there and what that looks like I’ve never planned out and let the other person dictate as long as my boundaries are met.

 

It’s become apparent that I have better boundaries with people I’m not emotionally invested in.

 

I’m also definitely not great at letting things go once I’m invested (Time, feelings, etc)

 

I think it’s so wonky to because I’m a very closed off person and people have always ultimately disappointed me in one form or another. When I finally do open up to someone-I don’t want to be disappointed or feel foolish.

[bluecastle]

I hear you, AK.

 

Look, my feeling—and I do apologize if, per Katrina's interpretation of my last post, I seem to be encouraging some libertine lifestyle; because I'm not—but my feeling is: dude has shown you where he is and who he is, right now.

 

And what's that? As far as I can see, he's into this, focused on this, curious about this—but perhaps not in a way that you're finding satisfactory. Or at least in a way that you need to sit with a bit more, question a bit more, and that's just fine.

 

You're strong, strong enough to handle whatever comes, wherever this goes. Just know that. That's where the wobbles end, and probably that's all I was trying to encourage.

 

Best of luck, as always. Rooting for you.

[Batya33]

"but perhaps not in a way that you're finding satisfactory. Or at least in a way that you need to sit with a bit more, question a bit more, and that's just fine. :

 

But that's the point - if she actually does want long term/serious they need to be on the same page and how long she "sits" with it depends on whether she believes him and how much time she wishes to invest. Going with the flow is not really an option if they're not on the same flow.

[akrngrl]

I hear you, AK.

 

Look, my feeling—and I do apologize if, per Katrina's interpretation of my last post, I seem to be encouraging some libertine lifestyle; because I'm not—but my feeling is: dude has shown you where he is and who he is, right now.

 

And what's that? As far as I can see, he's into this, focused on this, curious about this—but perhaps not in a way that you're finding satisfactory. Or at least in a way that you need to sit with a bit more, question a bit more, and that's just fine.

 

You're strong, strong enough to handle whatever comes, wherever this goes. Just know that. That's where the wobbles end, and probably that's all I was trying to encourage.

 

Best of luck, as always. Rooting for you.

 

Thank you bluecastle. I am, and I don’t know why sometimes people trip me up this much. I need to keep reading here and figure out how to have more boundaries and be able to walk a little sooner regardless of emotions. I now see how people fall into “getting everything, but the label” and that’s exactly what I don’t want to happen. It’s just a matter of discerning how long is “I pushed too soon and he said he needs time”’and how long is “okay now I’m just being strung along and nothing is ever going to come of this.”

 

We had plans yesterday and he mentioned getting together next weekend as he’s gone this weekend. I’m trying to observe and not overthink. Some of his consistency is waning, so I’m sure I’ll have my answer soon.

 

I feel guilty (almost) dipping back into the dating sites (like I’m hedging my bets), but maybe, somehow there is someone out there who is more than what I’m getting/will get here. At the end of the day, that’s the ultimate goal.

[akrngrl]

"Going with the flow is not really an option if they're not on the same flow.

 

So very true and I’m no stranger to people being disingenuous about the flow they’re on so I don’t understand why, if it’s the case, this is so shocking/unbelievable to me.

[figureitout23]

AKan again sorry I’m gonna have to do this.

 

Who are you attempting to fool us or you?

 

Cause I’m not gonna lie I was believing this act but then I checked your history. This is not a fluke, your boundaries are NOT rypically rigid. You are claiming that so you become the problem because if youre the issue and not him and his indescision you get to stay.

 

Girl you have been doing this sleep with a dude now I want a relationship dance for a while. And when it doesn’t work out it appears instead of actually having rigid boundaries or communicating more upfront you just go to the next dude and lead with sex again.

 

Women who want relationships but lead with sexuality do so out of fear. It’s not a judgement been there got the damn T-shirt, please stop convincing yourself you are controlling any of this. You get into these situations you get attached then you anxiously sit as a back seat driver as the men get what they want and need from you.

 

I’m not saying this guy is a bad guy I’m not. Because I don’t know enough to decide, I know he’s pretty wishy washy but other than that i dont know.

 

What I am discovering is you are trying to be someone you are not and now I’m starting to think you know full well what you want but admitting that means admitting he isn’t the guy for you.

 

Pull up your big girl panties, if you’re ok with all this be ok with all this but as blue said don’t be ok with it because you’re convincing yourself it’s something that it’s not, like well it feels like a relationship to me so it’s ok. If that’s not enough for you it’s not enough, look I’ve been married had the baby with the baby carriage all that so there no biological clock ticking for me nor do I feel the need to be married NOT DISMISSING MARRIAGE! ( let me say that before Bat gets me haha) but for me, I am perfectly comfortable taking the scenic route. I have dating and sexual exclusivity upfront, which believe it or not is not all that hard to find men who don’t bedhop and know what they are looking for.my point is different strokes for different folks and girl you gotta be honest with yourself because in the end you aren’t hurting us, you most likely aren’t hurting him, he’s getting what he wants, you’re hurting you and for what? Again I asked this pages ago is all this worth a man? Cause the world has a ton of them many who would love to be on the same flow as you. But you keep latching onto these men who like to take the scenic route.

[akrngrl]

AKan again sorry I’m fonna have to do this.

 

Who are you attempting to fool us or you?

 

Cause I’m not gonna lie I was believing this act but then I checked your history. This is not a fluke, your boundaries are NOT rypically rigid. You are claiming that so you become the problem because if your the issue and not him and his indescision you get to stay.

 

Girl you have been doing this sleep with a dude now I want a relationship dance for a while. And when it doesn’t work out it appears instead of actually having rigid boundaries or communicating more upfront you just go to the next dude and lead with sex again.

 

Women who want relationships but lead with sexuality do so out of fear. It’s not a judgement been there for the damn T-shirt, it’s a please stop convincing yourself you are controlling any of this. You get into these situations you get attached then you anxiously sit as a back seat driver as the men get what they want and need from you.

 

I’m not saying this guy is a bad guy I’m not. Because I don’t know enough to decide, I know he’s pretty wishy washy but other than that i dont know.

 

What I am discovering is you are trying to be someone you are not and now I’m starting to think you know full well what you want be admitting that means admitting he isn’t the guy for you.

 

I appreciate your feedback FIO. To be fair I have posted a lot of dumb stuff over the years and I do cringe at my history, but aside from the guy who had me thinking I was perhaps open to kids last year (we never had sex though) I have done a LOT of work to not be that person anymore and feel like I have come pretty far.

 

Is this still a pattern with men I really like? Perhaps and I’d be willing to own that and dive deeper, but I also know I’ve been on well over 50 meets and short date stints these last two years and have had all of them fail for one reason or another that didn’t jostle me.

 

We had just started having sex so I don’t believe I lead with that in this case at all-maybe some would consider it but I feel like a month and half in is a pretty decent time when you’re getting together 1-2x a week (as opposed to the third date)

 

Now I make sure there’s enough going on before I give into that and maybe it’s still a problem because now if it doesn’t fizzle out immediately I’m thinking we’re on the right path.

 

Again, maybe I didn’t know how I was phrasing it, but I thought the next step to be on the same page was bf/gf. In the event that he was still on the apps, I didn’t know what to ask for other than that since we’d agreed on exclusivity. To me bf/gf is-cut and dry. In that space, generally there are things you just don’t do-unless a discussion happens(open relationship etc)

 

Basically I just wanted to know he’s working towards something with me, focusing on just me with no intention of going off and doing ~whatever and most certainly not biding his time until the “next best thing” lands in his inbox.

[Batya33]

You had sex with him before you had a commitment which is fine but then own it -that was your choice (and you keep referring to "everything but the label" and "labels" -if it's just a label to you don't bother -and I have no issue with people not thinking marriage is for them - more power to them -just with dismissing marriage or commitment as "a label").

 

To me it's leading with sex in the sense that if you truly want a commitment you're leading with sex and then withholding later - stay true to what you want in place before sex - it's fine to pull back just far more complicated and fraught with risks of the guy misunderstanding especially early on.

 

I would not do long distance with this person unless you are both all in and on the same page, the end. It's a lot of work (been there done that, totally worth it when you're on the same page) and not worth it if there's all this wishy washiness-on either end.

[akrngrl]

You had sex with him before you had a commitment which is fine but then own it -that was your choice (and you keep referring to "everything but the label" and "labels" -if it's just a label to you don't bother -and I have no issue with people not thinking marriage is for them - more power to them -just with dismissing marriage or commitment as "a label").

 

To me it's leading with sex in the sense that if you truly want a commitment you're leading with sex and then withholding later - stay true to what you want in place before sex - it's fine to pull back just far more complicated and fraught with risks of the guy misunderstanding especially early on.

 

I would not do long distance with this person unless you are both all in and on the same page, the end. It's a lot of work (been there done that, totally worth it when you're on the same page) and not worth it if there's all this wishy washiness-on either end.

 

I just wanted to clarify the labels. I meant that he is acting as a boyfriend would, I’m calling him when I’m in need, he’s taking care of me when I don’t feel well and going above and beyond to cheer me up during a tough time. Consistent dates and communication, etc. To me, that’s a boyfriend. When I say label it’s just that we aren’t referring to each other as such which is why I was confused when he “needed time” because in my mind (and he agreed) that a relationship looked like exactly what we had-no new expectations, hence all that was missing was the acknowledgment of what it actually is. If I thought there was more to it I wouldn’t have asked. My mind was in a space of “oh he’s doing everything a boyfriend would and more, let’s just get clear on what this is.” Cue crash and burn I wasn’t expecting lol.

 

I feel like I shouldn’t be going to him with these issues/problems if we’re just dating and yet he’s happy that I am and wants me to. So I do. Was I happy to have him there to pick of my pet’s belongings? Of course. Did I want to let him see me cry? Heck no. I maintain “it’s too early to let you see me like this” and he just shakes his head and is like “don’t be silly, I want to help you.”

 

Maybe the issue is that it’s one sided. He wants me to be open with him, but he’s not the same with me as far as it goes with struggles and problems, etc. I’m thinking “oh he doesn’t want the burden of having me unload issues or be involved in ~heavy talks with me”, but it seems he’s one that’s afraid to share-I suppose that’s consistent with the vulnerability he’s afraid of.

[Wiseman2]

Why not look at his actions and skip the titles? He's been very kind and consistent. Don't you think it's strange to push away good guys and kind, caring guys so you can have a meaningless title? Titles are for high school and social media.

 

Standing by you when your pet died is for grownups and real life. Perhaps he is mature enough to know anyone can update a silly social media status and put labels on things but being with someone when they are down and out is what maturity, compassion and being a decent person is all about. Maybe it's time to reflect and rethink your priorities? What's more a important, any selfish jerk who throws out a label or a mature decent guy who gives you real and valuable things?

[akrngrl]

Hello wiseman,

 

That’s the headspace I was in, I was so sure that this was a thing and that it was evolving at its own pace before the dating app hiccup. Even after I truly thought it’d be a no brainer when I asked to make it official because he had shown consistent reliability-hence my surprise and the spiraling of my emotions in this thread when I found out “oh wait, you’re saying you don’t know?” “What has this been this whole time to you?” “Do people really act the way he does and NOT want a relationship?” Etc etc.

 

It’s not so much the silly title now it’s more like I want to understand what makes it so much different for him.

 

I felt like I was headed down relationship road, but they take two.

 

It’s not that I’d prefer the selfish jerk at all, I want the reliable guy, but I don’t want to be sticking my head in the sand and saying “everything IS great and he totally acts like a boyfriend, he just doesn’t want to use those words”

[boltnrun]

I dated a guy for about 8 months. I spent every weekend with him. I traveled with him. I met his parents and siblings. I spent time with him and his friends. He came to my family's holiday get togethers. We held hands.

 

After 8 months of this I asked him the "are we in a committed relationship? " question.

 

He said he liked me. Yep, he liked me.

 

His disclaimer was that we had never defined the relationship or had the "we are boyfriend and girlfriend" talk.

 

If I hadn't mentioned the part about the conversation we'd had, you all would probably have presumed I was talking about my boyfriend. But nope, he liked me.

 

So, it's not always a good idea to presume by a man's actions that you and he are an exclusive, defined couple.

[katrina1980]

 

Basically I just wanted to know he’s working towards something with me, focusing on just me with no intention of going off and doing ~whatever and most certainly not biding his time until the “next best thing” lands in his inbox.

 

And this^^ is not too much to want/need after two months in, as I posted earlier.

 

But your own words -- he's not there, he needs more time to "figure stuff out."

 

What is that?? Figure what out, calling BS on that.

 

You are not asking for a long time commitment tomorrow for heaven's sake, this is getting silly.

 

Imo, there is no more waiting around until he "figures stuff out." Arghh.

 

IF he were into this, into you, there would be nothing to figure out.

 

He would want for you both to focus on only each other to see where it would lead, and not still be skulking around on the apps.

 

A man telling a woman he's dating that he has closed his profile, but has not and still searching is not ok or acceptable. And it suggests he lacks honesty and integrity imo.

 

Your "boyfriend" essentially lied to you, telling you he closed it, but did not and is still searching.

 

Why is this not a deal breaker for you? How can you trust anything he says moving forward?

 

I can tell you with all honesty if my bf had told me he closed his profile but I discovered he had not and was still searching, I would have been gone, done.

 

And even at two months, I really liked him and was very emotionally invested!!

 

That was my boundary and I think a fair one. Honesty!

 

Why are you holding on to this? Because you like him and that rarely happens?

 

Not a good reason, own what you need and want and always stay true to yourself, first and foremost.

 

Girl, I'm half joking, but me thinks you need a swift kick in your butt!! Lol

 

Something for you to consider. Do you think the reason you are so into him, unlike other men you've dated, is because he IS so elusive? Hard to pin down?

 

This would suggest you have your own fears of committment, etc.

 

Because at the end of the day, a woman seeking and ultimately wanting a long term committed relationship would have walked away from this man awhile ago imho, for reasons stated earlier.

[akrngrl]

And that is not too much to want/need after two months in, as I posted earlier.

 

But your own words -- he's not there, he needs more time to "figure stuff out."

 

What is that?? Figure what out, calling BS on that.

 

You are not asking for a long time commitment for heaven's sake, this is getting silly.

 

Imo, there is no more waiting around until he "figures things out."

 

IF he were into this, into you, there would be nothing to figure out.

 

He would want for you both to focus on only each other to see where it would lead, and not still be skulking around on the apps.

 

A man telling a woman he's dating that he has closed his profile, but has not and still searching is not ok or acceptable. And it suggests he lacks honesty and integrity imo.

 

Your bf essentially lied to you, telling you he closed it, but did not and is still searching.

 

Why is this not a deal breaker for you? How can you trust anything he says moving forward?

 

I can tell you with all honesty if my bf had told me he closed his profile but I discovered he had not and was still searching, I would have been gone, done.

 

And even at two months, I really liked him and was very emotionally invested!!

 

That was my boundary and I think a fair one. Honesty!

 

Why are you holding on to this? Because you like him and that rarely happens?

 

Not a good reason, own what you need and want and always stay true to yourself, first and foremost.

 

Girl, I'm half joking, but me thinks you need a quick kick in your butt!! Lol

 

Something for you to consider. Do you think the reason you are so into him, unlike other men you've dating, is because he IS so elusive? Hard to pin down?

 

This would suggest you have your own fears of committment, etc.

 

Because a woman wanting a long term committed relationship (ultimately) would have walked away from this man awhile ago imho, for reasons stated earlier.

 

I am right there with you when you say you’re calling BS. I called BS too at first and was angry (in a good way if that makes sense). I was also angry when he took me to my favorite restaurant and the place of our first date (which he mentioned) when he was “thinking about things non stop and had thoughts to share” and those thoughts ended up being nothing new NOTHING he hadn’t expressed the few days beforehand. Like c’mon dude, why say anything at all then?

 

Part of me holding on is because I don’t know if I’M being clear. As everyone has said I’ve confused them with my back and forth and while he’s not privy to that I do think I may have tossed him into overdrive when I asked for what I asked for because he was thinking/stressing wayyyy far in advance. Me asking to be official, I realize now, was more me asking for the bit you quoted, that we are together and not seeing others, focusing on each other, etc. so maybe I didn’t communicate that in the best light-I thought “hey let’s make this official and really delete the apps” was light and easy and he was in some headspace about a year from now with potentially different time zones and I was kind of like “uhm I just wanted some level of safety that you weren’t in this new state for These few months shmoozing other women while I thought we were ~together and was, for lack of a better term, waiting and not seeking to meet others”.

 

So now I’m trying to show that’s what I wanted without having to, for the love of all things holy, talk about it again. I think there was some miscommunication on both our parts. Reflecting back he kept saying “okay so we can take things slow and see where they go” and I kept thinking he meant just continue on so I was like “well we’d be together, but yeah, I’m not asking for marriage right now”.

 

I think I’m just going to have to bite the bullet and be like “so what does this look like when you leave? Do you want to stay how we are and be exclusive, are we seeing other people in the time apart?” He’s coming back as I’ve said and literally I just wanted clarity to get over this short term hump that he’s gone. If we were still together by the time he was ready to leave my area “for good” it’d be 9/10 months of dating and at that point I’d be looking for a “sh*t or get off the pot” answer if you will.

 

Haha girl, I need all the kicks in the butt I can get sometimes and I appreciate when people call me on my stuff and help me address it rather than be like “chick is hopeless, I’m out”.

 

Fair question, but I don’t think so because I didn’t think he was elusive until I had to start this thread haha. I genuinely was like “all is moving well, he literally hasn’t sucked yet, this is AMAZING”. Him being elusive these last two weeks has just left me exasperated mostly and confused.

 

Like he doesn’t want to be vulnerable and share emotions and yet gets all glisten eyed when he’s trying to communicate that he has stuff to work through? Doesn’t want to be official (to which I understood as take on boyfriend duties), but yet is bringing me my favorite treats to cheer me up after my pet died and saying that he wished he was here and wants to help me go pick up the belongings so I’m not alone. I want to name him Mixed Message Matthew or something haha, but I’m taking the high road and owning that everyone is on their own path with their own demons and as long as he isn’t malicious about it I can’t really be angry.

 

Maybe it’s me, but when when I’m not sure about a guy I’m still polite, but I’m cognizant to not do anything above and beyond that would tip him into thinking I was really into him.

 

That’s something I will think about. I don’t consider myself as having an issue with commitment, but nothing would surprise me at this point haha. I’d be willing to bet more money though on the fact that he treats me better and I feel better with him than any committed relationship I’ve ever had, so naturally I want to do what I can to make this work. If its not working, it’s not working, but I have a hard time reading between the lines and accepting those presumptions in situations like this.

[katrina1980]

You know, there IS a certain comfort dating a man so elusive, needing to figure stuff out, unable to make up his mind re what he wants.

 

You complain about it, but it feels "safe." Emotionally.

 

This way, you get to passively avoid having to confront and address your own issues surrounding commitment and relationships.

 

Again, something to consider.

 

Have you read Natalie Lue? She has written several books and articles addressing this.

 

One very good book is "Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl."

 

I found it spot on and very helpful as I struggled with these same fears/issues for a long time..

[katrina1980]

Your last post -- how does any of that justfy him basically lying to you about the app?

 

How do trust after that?

 

It not a small thing that should be shuffled under the carpet or dismissed imo, par for the course -- it's quite telling actually.

[reinventmyself]

So very true and I’m no stranger to people being disingenuous about the flow they’re on so I don’t understand why, if it’s the case, this is so shocking/unbelievable to me.

 

But he's not being disingenuous. He's been very clear. He likes you, he's not dating others and he wants to see where this goes. But between now and then you two are exclusively enjoying each others company and getting to know each other. It doesn't need to be complicated unless you make it so.

[reinventmyself]

Your last post -- how does any of that justfy him basically lying to you about the app?

 

How do trust after that?

 

It not a small thing that should be shuffled under the carpet or dismissed imo, par for the course -- it's quite telling actually.

 

Did I miss something/ Is it a fact that he's still participating or did the app's gps update his location automatically?

[akrngrl]

Your last post -- how does any of that justfy him basically lying to you about the app?

 

How do trust after that?

 

It not a small thing that should be shuffled under the carpet or dismissed imo, par for the course -- it's quite telling actually.

 

Definitely doesn’t justify, I guess I dismissed it because initially I thought I was maybe in the running with other women, but then from everything he said I was kind of like “oh, this has nothing to do with other women and everything to do with you and your own bs”.

 

Unless being vulnerable is a cover. But his history has always been relationships he said when we first met and he wasn’t into casual or non exclusive sex (having sex with someone who is still having sex with others)

 

Not that it makes it any better but after I “called” him on it when I brought up being official he did hide one of his profiles (distance no longer shows up). The other one (the one I actually told him I saw him on) doesn’t have any login info so there’s no way to tell, but I guess I just trusted if he hid the other he isn’t checking that one.

 

It also just seems peculiar that HE offered up that info at the time all on his own.

 

I guess I can see how some people would find his elusiveness alluring, but mostly I’m just like “don’t act like a boyfriend if you don’t want to be one.”

 

I’ll check out that author! I’m always down to read books to help me work through my stuff. I’m curious about what gives off an aversion to commitment about me-I always feared it’d be the opposite haha. Always helpful to get outside perspective and I’ve found that no one perceived me in the way I think I come off, so there’s a disconnect somewhere.

[bluecastle]

I have a longer post coming, but at this point I think the lesson about this whole app moment is: learn to talk—directly, not by tests and proxies—about what is troubling you.

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, AK, but the app thing, formerly a "debacle," now reduced to "hiccup," has not been discussed. Like, you never said something along the lines of: "Hey, I noticed that your location updated and it threw me a bit, since I thought we'd decided to go off the apps. What's up with that?"

 

Unaddressed, that little toxic seed has taken root. Did he "lie"? Did he just not close the app? Does the app update locations even when profiles are hidden or whatever? Did he end up opening it up and mindlessly swiping three times out of habit? Or is he simply still on the app, on the regular, while telling you otherwise?

 

I think you hoped you could shrug all that off, the way Katrina didn't care that her bf was on the apps at month three, the way I've relegated that to noise, whatever. But you couldn't, can't. A nice dinner didn't soften those thorns, neither did him showing up when your pet passed.

 

So I ask: Why not bring that up? See what he says? For you, your own sanity, even if sanity means knowing he was lying or that he is incapable of providing an answer that genuinely makes sense to you.

 

Because at this point I think a lot of the whiplash is coming by tiptoeing around the white elephant.

[katrina1980]

But he's not being disingenuous. He's been very clear. He likes you, he's not dating others and he wants to see where this goes. But between now and then you two are exclusively enjoying each others company and getting to know each other. It doesn't need to be complicated unless you make it so.

 

Oh wow, is that what this is? (Not sarcasm).

 

If so, I am utterly confused and must have misinterpreted most of this thread -- especially him still needing to figure stuff out, and lying about the app.

 

My bad akr, apologies.