Update & question on where to go from here

[Wiseman2]

Keep in mind that you don't have to be with him and he doesn't have to be with you. He's been there in a bf type capacity. Unfortunately you are both on dating sites, both dancing around and both don't know what you want.

 

You want to confront him about "the future" and titles, yet you're unsure about him, don't trust him have spend hours deliberating conspiracy theories about what a shady character he is or that he's a player and bsing you etc...and are now browsing dating sites as a backup. Why bother analyzing him so much if you actually believe he lacks integrity. At this point, he can't win because you've determined he's "shady".

 

Or maybe he's just taking the hit for any and all previous relationship issues?

 

Frankly it's unclear why anyone would want a LDR no less waste the current in person time having multiple theoretical relationship talks that try to pin someone (you're not sure of) down to some sort of commitment (when he's leaving anyway).

 

All this is seriously obscuring your ability to be in the here and now and see what's in front of you in order to decide if you want to just enjoy the moment or cut your losses now because there really is no "future" in a LDR. It seems you're lonely and displaced and therefore since he's nice and around you hang on but in fact already know it's temporary.

I don’t want to be thinking we’re exclusive and not be on the dating sites if he’s lackluster and is actively trying to mingle and meet people. That’s the grey area I want to clear up. How does he feel in the immediate future going forward.

[Batya33]

Just thought I would return to clarify something.

 

There is nothing bad or wrong with not wanting an exclusive relationship or commitment.

 

That in and of itself does not make someone "commitment phobic".. And typically such folks are up front and honest about that when asked.

 

Versus a person with commitment fears/issues scrambling about in an anxiety-induced frenzy, jumping way ahead to years down the road, crying, announcing they are scared or nervous, fearful of feeling vulnerable, agreeing to exclusivity but then going behind their partner's back, updating their app location one month out, and when asked, more scrambling about in an effort to deflect the issue with some elaborate excuse that makes zero sense and/or denying.

 

All of which ak's guy did.

 

That is my issue with him -- his dishonesty mostly, the deflecting.

 

You don't want exclusive? Then just admit that for goodness sakes, be genuine and honest about it, again nothing bad or wrong for not wanting it.

 

I dated a man briefly who wasn't ready for it, didn't want it. He enjoyed multi-dating, and yes he really liked me, we always had a fabulous time together -- he was very attentive and at times extremely romantic!

 

But he did not want exclusivity, he had his reasons. He was honest about it, and I had the utmost respect for him because of it.

 

I even continued dating him, not hoping he would change his mind (I knew he wouldn't) but because we had an awesome time together!

 

Until I found myself becoming invested so I walked away.

 

Anyway, again just wanted to clarify my thought process about that.

 

Yes and that's important to clarify at this point I agree although I think it was said earlier - because it's so easy to play the blame game just because someone would prefer to date for reasons other than exclusivity and if a person wants exclusivity but not with that person that's fine too -it's whatever they're comfortable with. I agree with the distinction you made here.

[Batya33]

To drill down and put it in it's most simplest terms:

 

It. should. not. be. this. difficult.

 

I have a few more years and experiences than AK (safely assuming) and it doesn't make me an expert.

 

But what I do know (typically)

 

*Difficult = no-go

 

*Based on my time here on this forum, scenarios dissected to this extent = fail.

(Eh em, bluecastle) (love ya) So take in what blue has to say, because we shook him up good when he first arrived, doing a very similar dance to yours. He rationalized, romantisized and ultimately found his way out. He speaks from recent experience.

 

Lol

 

Having said all this, Im still team AK. I'm rooting for you. Just please consider getting out of your own way.

 

(If I hadn't said so in your thread, I do have an anxiety disorder so I can relate to the way you're going about this. But it is a circular road to nowhere if you can't get a grip on it)

 

*Trust that it's the man that does NOT trigger you to come to a forum to seek advise about is most likely the one better suited for you.

 

Yes. It can work years later -I was the one with doubts and indecision and almost 8 years later I became the right person to find the right person - but it absolutely wouldn't have been right to get together back then even though my indecision seemed to resolve itself after a month of being apart. Now I have seen couples get back together after a break like that and be very happy -it "clicked" but typically the old doubts resurface. I know that also because I did the back and forth with the next guy -because of me- for about 7 years and it was awful. I truly did love him and I truly was unfair to both of us. He was a grown up and I was honest about my doubts -he chose to stay - but it would have been far better for me to walk earlier. So that's my experience. I wasn't a commitmentphobe - I did go for the unavailable distant men pretty often so perhaps some would have labeled me as such but my point is I've been there too.

[Metaltwin70]

'I've always believed anything other than a yes is a no'

 

Agree. Anything other than a yes is a no. And yes, it should not be this difficult. When two people are EQUALLY into each other it is never difficult. Something, on his side, is missing and I doubt he himself can put his finger on what it is.

 

The rest is just semantics. Sorry OP.

 

Out of curiosity, how old is this bloke?

[akrngrl]

'I've always believed anything other than a yes is a no'

 

Agree. Anything other than a yes is a no. And yes, it should not be this difficult. When two people are EQUALLY into each other it is never difficult. Something, on his side, is missing and I doubt he himself can put his finger on what it is.

 

The rest is just semantics. Sorry OP.

 

Out of curiosity, how old is this bloke?

 

Early/mid thirties.

[Batya33]

'I've always believed anything other than a yes is a no'

 

Agree. Anything other than a yes is a no. And yes, it should not be this difficult. When two people are EQUALLY into each other it is never difficult. Something, on his side, is missing and I doubt he himself can put his finger on what it is.

 

The rest is just semantics. Sorry OP.

 

Out of curiosity, how old is this bloke?

 

Yes, semantics. Certainly there can be ebb and flow, the dance of intimacy but with a stable core during those times when one person is more into the other person it's resolvable without shaking the core.

[bluecastle]

Early/mid thirties.

 

Oh, that explains it!

 

Kidding, mainly...

 

Are you around the same age, AK?

[akrngrl]

Hey everyone! I figured I’d just do a blanket reply as to not continuously add length to the forum more so than I already have.

 

Everyone has valid points and perspectives and I am definitely taking them all into consideration.

 

I don’t necessarily think he’s shady yet in that it’s so much that I’d write him off. I let go of the dating app debacle because when I originally posted the general consensus was “just ask where you stand”. I did in a way that I thought (at the time) was right (it wasn’t) and though I didn’t get the answer to the question I asked (making it official) I did get the answer that he wasn’t using the dating apps or looking for anyone else.

 

I don’t know with 100% certainty WHEN he changed the location on the app-I found out a few days before he told me he had hidden his profiles that’s where he was going because he told his friends. I don’t know how long before he knew about it.

 

Is it still sh*tty? Yes. Would I have thought when I brought it up he would have said “I changed that before I told you”? Yeah, but since I can’t say for sure “You said you hid them and THEN you updated your location” I can only keep observing and not dwell on it. I’m not forgetting, I’m just going “hm, better keep my eyes open going forward”. There is literally no other indication he’s being unfaithful (since we are currently exclusive).

 

With regards to wanting a future/long term/marriage- yes that is all true, but I don’t know who that’s with. I usually only date men who want to get married and they’re still not the one for me.

 

I’m not saying that to hope this guy suddenly falls in love and wants marriage, I’m saying that because in my own way, albeit negative, but that’s just me, I’m thinking he’s probably going to eff it up anyway somewhere and it’ll have nothing to do with commitment/marriage. I’m pleasantly surprised that it hasn’t happened already and that’s why I’ve continued.

 

Right now I want to know for the next three months how things will go while we are apart. Are we going to still choose each other or does he want the option to choose others? Again, things can change, but basically I want to know if there’s enough investment for there to be a “break up/off” if you will rather than just “oh I don’t owe them anything, I’ll just stop responding.”

 

Currently, I don’t want to move around, but the way people act toward me changes things. If he’s a shady jerk then no, but if he still makes me feel how I have felt and I talked about earlier, then that, to me is worth it.

 

If nothing else, I’ve been doing A LOT of things I don’t normally do: asking for what I want (clearly I need some work on the wording), figuring out what I even want (I know right now I hope to keep going, maybe that won’t be true in two months), bringing up uncomfortable topics and accepting help/assistance during hard times.

 

This entire thread has showed me that there’s sometimes a huge gap between where we are now and where I thought was a baby step to get to. Prior to this I figured “if you dont want anything with me, you don’t like me enough and I’m not the girl for you”. Not that I’m saying he has definite commitment issues, but I’ve learned there are a whole host of things that can go on in someone’s mind to make them not ready that has nothing to do with the other person. That has never been my experience, if I wanted to be with someone I was and if I didn’t want to it was because I didn’t like them enough.

 

I wouldn’t say I’m lonely-I’m not. I wouldn’t pick just anyone to go along with, which is why I’m not just hopping on the apps and meeting someone, anyone else.

 

Perhaps I am staying in this space for too long, but I’m trying to learn and get a better understanding so that moving forward I can make better decisions even if this isn’t it.

[akrngrl]

Oh, that explains it!

 

Kidding, mainly...

 

Are you around the same age, AK?

 

Haha I’m almost there! Hanging on to my late 20’s as long as possible [emoji3]

[Wiseman2]

Why don't you decide if you want to be tied down to a LDR or not?

Are we going to still choose each other or does he want the option to choose others?

[Metaltwin70]

So you're 29 and he's 32-35.

 

I could understand it if you were 49.

 

At 29... you really don't need this kind of c*** in life, believe me. Oh to go back to when I was 29 and do a few things differently. Mainly, not spend 3+ years in brainless denial justified by less than semantics, essentially.

 

You're obviously very intelligent. If you were to look at this situation minus the fact that you are in 'something or other' with him.. why do this to yourself? Because he's the only prospect? Because you cannot face having to 'start again' with a stranger?

 

It isn't anything you did or didn't do. It's just that.. something, somewhere, is missing for him. He's obviously into you enough to date you casually but not enough to be in a relationship with you. It's intangible and like I said, I'd be surprised if he himself knew what 'it' was. Therefore the string of heartfelt beautiful words. Therefore he's keeping his options open and refusing to make you his gf. It really is as simple as that.

 

I'm sorry OP.

[bluecastle]

Haha I’m almost there! Hanging on to my late 20’s as long as possible [emoji3]

 

Whoa!

 

Throughout this thread, I admit I've struggled to figure out how old you are, having wavered between early 20s (the fairytale stuff) and late 50s (the weight of past romantic disappointments). I do mean that with affection and respect, rest assured.

 

At the risk of sounding like a patronizing old dude at 39—which I have no right to sound like, believe me, since my spirit wavers between identifying as 18 and 80 and I'm as dumb as they come in plenty of ways and a cautionary tale in plenty of eyes—I'll just say that I think one's 20s are inevitably a fraught time. Feels like everything is supposed to be "figured out," which can infuse every choice (bathroom tiles, rightward swipes) with a distorted sense of consequence. Which can infuse early relationships with a sense of gravity disproportional to reality. Which can lead very young people with so much joy and mystery before them to feel like they are "holding on" to an age that is really irrelevant. Which can lead, well, to very young people holding on very tightly to things that don't require or warrant a vise grip.

 

Is this the room I will pee in forever? If so, I must change those tiles now, so I can pee in peace. Is this the person I will be with forever? If so, I must wildly contort myself into a shape designed for peace. It's like you're trying to shore up all the things that make adulthood manageable, so you can just chill and be a grownup. It's why a lot of people in their 20s can sound, oddly, like people planning for retirement when in fact they are just getting started. When in truth all adulthood is is an endless shoring up: moments of peace, moments of discomfort.

 

Lord knows I spent much of my 20s in that headspace—and much of my 30s, now just about over, laughing at my earlier self with compassion. I have a million more reasons to be stressed and cynical today than I did at 29, yet I am less stressed and less cynical because the grip as eased. I've lived long enough to know that nothing turns out the way I thought it would, which relieves a lot of the pressures of worrying about where it's going. This is the room I pee in now, the person I am with now—all good. Or, if not all good, there are other bathrooms and people, so many.

 

Speaking in broad brushstrokes, a lot of early 30s dudes are kind of like mid 20s dudettes. Wound tight in some ways, vague in others, floating around and hoping to slam into the thing that tells them who they are, what they want. They're scared to get into "a thing" because what if it is the thing? That thing can be a home, a city, and, yes, a person. It's a lousy way to be, having been there, and its a lousy thing to date, at least long term, because even the best sex does not make a lack of intention sexy.

 

Intention doesn't need to mean "locking it down," of course, and I think that's where he is simply less evolved than you—just a smidge, really, but a critical smidge. And I think that, really, is your frustration, or a lot of it. He's older, which gives the illusion of security, maybe even some wisdom, and no doubt helps in the bedroom, because he's at least learned to be more intentional on that plane. But he is, in many ways, still very much just a kid. And maybe in just two months time you've outgrown him, age difference be damned.

 

Which is totally cool! Because you're also quite young! My god! Don't forget that—embrace it! Maybe that's the lesson here, one of them, the thing this brief, mainly awesome, now confusing connection can inform moving forward.

 

You have so much time to get twisted into some crazy knots—and you will, you will—but the general ratio of joy to stress should be something like 90/10. Don't lose sight of that barometer—let it be the thing that guides you in this, in life in general.

[katrina1980]

So you're 29 and he's 32-35.

 

I could understand it if you were 49.

 

At 29... you really don't need this kind of c*** in life, believe me. Oh to go back to when I was 29 and do a few things differently. Mainly, not spend 3+ years in brainless denial justified by less than semantics, essentially.

 

You're obviously very intelligent. If you were to look at this situation minus the fact that you are in 'something or other' with him.. why do this to yourself? Because he's the only prospect? Because you cannot face having to 'start again' with a stranger?

 

I'm sorry OP.

 

I echo this ^ with the exception, you don't need this kind of c*** in your life at any age!

 

But right now, you like how he makes you feel (your last post), so you proceed forward.

 

Until you don't like how he makes you feel, which might involve your exiting never-never land (denial) but till then, you carry on.

 

Not judging, I've lived in that place too, far FAR longer than I should have! And paid the price, in more ways than one. But a good learning experience, it's all a journey.

 

Wish you the best and I'm sorry too,

[akrngrl]

So you're 29 and he's 32-35.

 

I could understand it if you were 49.

 

At 29... you really don't need this kind of c*** in life, believe me. Oh to go back to when I was 29 and do a few things differently. Mainly, not spend 3+ years in brainless denial justified by less than semantics, essentially.

 

You're obviously very intelligent. If you were to look at this situation minus the fact that you are in 'something or other' with him.. why do this to yourself? Because he's the only prospect? Because you cannot face having to 'start again' with a stranger?

 

It isn't anything you did or didn't do. It's just that.. something, somewhere, is missing for him. He's obviously into you enough to date you casually but not enough to be in a relationship with you. It's intangible and like I said, I'd be surprised if he himself knew what 'it' was. Therefore the string of heartfelt beautiful words. Therefore he's keeping his options open and refusing to make you his gf. It really is as simple as that.

 

I'm sorry OP.

 

You are correct!

 

I guess I do it because of how it feels when I’m in contact with him as I’ve mentioned above.

 

Everyone could very well be right and he could be just missing “it” from this right now and not be able to or want to say it.

 

I’m guessing you mean that the fact that he’s not making me his gf means he’s keeping his options with other women open. Again, you could be right and the fact that he said he’s not on the dating apps looking could just be smoke.

 

It does seem like a lot of crap and really for some it may still be too much. This has all occurred on the second half of two get togethers though and since, we’ve gotten together twice as if nothing has happened. I’m not saying that to seem like I’m living with my head in the sand, but to illustrate that every communication, text, phone call and get together isn’t wrought with anxiety or a deep discussion about this. In fact for two months there was very minimal anxiety and I am a planner to a fault. Four days last week REALLY sucked, but other than that, for the most part things have been great. There’s an elephant in the room now (I said this to him and he didn’t agree last time we spoke about it), but it’s surprisingly not hindering me and I would have thought I was the type of person who COULDN’T enjoy anything with something like that looming.

[akrngrl]

Whoa!

 

Throughout this thread, I admit I've struggled to figure out how old you are, having wavered between early 20s (the fairytale stuff) and late 50s (the weight of past romantic disappointments). I do mean that with affection and respect, rest assured.

 

At the risk of sounding like a patronizing old dude at 39—which I have no right to sound like, believe me, since my spirit wavers between identifying as 18 and 80 and I'm as dumb as they come in plenty of ways and a cautionary tale in plenty of eyes—I'll just say that I think one's 20s are inevitably a fraught time. Feels like everything is supposed to be "figured out," which can infuse every choice (bathroom tiles, rightward swipes) with a distorted sense of consequence. Which can infuse early relationships with a sense of gravity disproportional to reality. Which can lead very young people with so much joy and mystery before them to feel like they are "holding on" to an age that is really irrelevant. Which can lead, well, to very young people holding on very tightly to things that don't require or warrant a vise grip.

 

Is this the room I will pee in forever? If so, I must change those tiles now, so I can pee in peace. Is this the person I will be with forever? If so, I must wildly contort myself into a shape designed for peace. It's like you're trying to shore up all the things that make adulthood manageable, so you can just chill and be a grownup. It's why a lot of people in their 20s can sound, oddly, like people planning for retirement when in fact they are just getting started. When in truth all adulthood is is an endless shoring up: moments of peace, moments of discomfort.

 

Lord knows I spent much of my 20s in that headspace—and much of my 30s, now just about over, laughing at my earlier self with compassion. I have a million more reasons to be stressed and cynical today than I did at 29, yet I am less stressed and less cynical because the grip as eased. I've lived long enough to know that nothing turns out the way I thought it would, which relieves a lot of the pressures of worrying about where it's going. This is the room I pee in now, the person I am with now—all good. Or, if not all good, there are other bathrooms and people, so many.

 

Speaking in broad brushstrokes, a lot of early 30s dudes are kind of like mid 20s dudettes. Wound tight in some ways, vague in others, floating around and hoping to slam into the thing that tells them who they are, what they want. They're scared to get into "a thing" because what if it is the thing? That thing can be a home, a city, and, yes, a person. It's a lousy way to be, having been there, and its a lousy thing to date, at least long term, because even the best sex does not make a lack of intention sexy.

 

Intention doesn't need to mean "locking it down," of course, and I think that's where he is simply less evolved than you—just a smidge, really, but a critical smidge. And I think that, really, is your frustration, or a lot of it. He's older, which gives the illusion of security, maybe even some wisdom, and no doubt helps in the bedroom, because he's at least learned to be more intentional on that plane. But he is, in many ways, still very much just a kid. And maybe in just two months time you've outgrown him, age difference be damned.

 

Which is totally cool! Because you're also quite young! My god! Don't forget that—embrace it! Maybe that's the lesson here, one of them, the thing this brief, mainly awesome, now confusing connection can inform moving forward.

 

You have so much time to get twisted into some crazy knots—and you will, you will—but the general ratio of joy to stress should be something like 90/10. Don't lose sight of that barometer—let it be the thing that guides you in this, in life in general.

 

Haha bluecastle, I’m 29 in body and 129 in spirit. He’s actually one of the younger guys I’ve dated. My range is usually like 35-50 so that also could be playing into why I didn’t understand a lot of what was happening.

 

I 100% agree about the 90/10 barometer and I guess I was thinking/maybe still am-he brings out that 90% so far. This 10% has sucked over the last week or so (asking the wrong question, losing my pet, etc), but I’m trying to hold tight to see if the waters even out. Of course if I’m still miserable and uneasy, I don’t want to be in that space and I’d likely say I’d outgrown him and what we’ve had, but for better or for worse, these next two weeks or so I’ll probably hold out and observe and then ask before he leaves what his intentions are going forward. Not in a “what is this” way, but in a “should you and I go back to looking elsewhere” way.

 

As I’ve mentioned next month are some bigger things (v day, meeting his family) and I want to spare myself of that if it’s just “I’m done with this when I leave”. That sucks, no lie, but it’s okay and it’s an answer and I will gracefully bow out.

 

Trying to be okay in the grey for a bit longer. Things will naturally change anyway by then so even if it doesn’t work out it won’t seem so odd and sudden.

[katrina1980]

Ak, will you update us as things move forward?

 

This thread is now 35 pages, I think many of us have become quite invested, so it would be interesting to see how this all plays out.

 

FWIW, I'm on your side too, and despite my negative interjections, hope it all works out the way you hope and want.

[akrngrl]

Ak, will you update us as things move forward?

 

This thread is now 35 pages, I think many of us have become quite invested, so it would be interesting to see how this all plays out.

 

FWIW, I'm on your side too, and despite my negative interjections, hope it all works out the way you hope and want.

 

Of course! Everyone’s input has been super beneficial as well as learning that there are SO many different perspectives.

 

I will definitely keep everyone in the loop and may even need some more advice haha.

 

I’m working on trying to establish boundaries that are more detailed than the ones I have. Those work, but there are clearly loopholes that I need to patch up as well.

[katrina1980]

Of course! Everyone’s input has been super beneficial as well as learning that there are SO many different perspectives.

 

I will definitely keep everyone in the loop and may even need some more advice haha.

 

I’m working on trying to establish boundaries that are more detailed than the ones I have. Those work, but there are clearly loopholes that I need to patch up as well.

 

Fabulous, I am glad we were able to help! And that you took none of our comments personally.

 

That said, something you posted earlier is noteworthy (imo).

 

 

I guess I do it because of how it feels when I’m in contact with him as I’ve mentioned above.

 

 

Ideally you should do it (continue forward with him) not only because of how it feels when you're in contact with him, but also how it feels when you're not in contact.

 

If you're a ball of anxiety, on pins and needles, wondering what he's doing, if he's dating others, etc. when not in contact, then what's the point? That isn't a good or healthy place to be at all.

 

This is especially important since it's going to be long distance, and you'll be apart for three months? Or longer at various times?

 

Anyway, try and remain positive whether in contact or not, and if you're unable to, then re-visit later.

 

We date and enter RLs to enhance and enrich our lives, they make us feel secure, good, positive and happy!

 

If that isn't happening unless you're spending actual time or in constant contact with each other, then again, what's really the point?

 

Like would you say you were feeling secure, good, positive and happy throughout this thread? If you were, this thread wouldn't even exist.

 

Anyway, nuff said from me, good luck and looking forward to updates!

[bluecastle]

SUCH a good point, Katrina, so SO well put.

 

(Caps for winking appreciation of your love of caps and your general you-ness.)

[akrngrl]

Fabulous, I am glad we were able to help! And that you took none of our comments personally.

 

That said, something you posted earlier is noteworthy (imo).

 

 

 

Ideally you should do it (continue forward with him) not only because of how it feels when you're in contact with him, but also how it feels when you're not in contact.

 

If you're a ball of anxiety, on pins and needles, wondering what he's doing, if he's dating others, etc. when not in contact, then what's the point? That isn't a good or healthy place to be at all.

 

This is especially important since it's going to be long distance, and you'll be apart for three months? Or longer at various times?

 

Anyway, try and remain positive whether in contact or not, and if you're unable to, then re-visit later.

 

We date and enter RLs to enhance and enrich our lives, they make us feel secure, good, positive and happy!

 

If that isn't happening unless you're spending actual time or in constant contact with each other, then again, what's really the point?

 

Like would you say you were feeling secure, good, positive and happy throughout this thread? If you were, this thread wouldn't even exist.

 

Anyway, nuff said from me, good luck and looking forward to updates!

 

Thank you Kat! [emoji5]

 

I had “together” written but changed it to contact, but I agree. Just wanted to clarify that I’m not normally a ball of anxiety when we’re not talking (granted he makes a big effort to pop in throughout the day). We have plans to get together next weekend and that to me is one of the huge pluses to him-never waiting and being like “wonder when I’ll see/hear from him”. I don’t hang on his every word and try to extend convos for the sake of talking with him which is SO nice. His texts make me smile and I go about my day, which is perfect for me.

 

Will for sure keep everyone updated! As of now some cute texts and well wishes for my work day!

[katrina1980]

Thank you Kat! [emoji5]

 

I had “together” written but changed it to contact, but I agree. Just wanted to clarify that I’m not normally a ball of anxiety when we’re not talking (granted he makes a big effort to pop in throughout the day). We have plans to get together next weekend and that to me is one of the huge pluses to him-never waiting and being like “wonder when I’ll see/hear from him”. I don’t hang on his every word and try to extend convos for the sake of talking with him which is SO nice.

 

His texts make me smile and I go about my day, which is perfect for me.

Will for sure keep everyone updated! As of now some cute texts and well wishes for my work day!

 

This sounds very sweet and positive!

 

I suppose I only brought this up because of something you posted earlier in the thread -- that after he leaves, you would be happy with once a week contact (text, phone Skype sessions). Then you changed to twice a week, just going on memory here.

 

So that's quite a bit of time that you will not be in contact.

 

But I guess you won't know how you feel till that happens, so perhaps a moot issue at this point.

 

Anyway, again try to always stay positive! I think that is so important!

[akrngrl]

Hey everyone!

 

Just wanted to come back and give some of an update. We have been going out about 2x a week still and I’ve surprised myself in how easy it felt after the dinner date. I thought I would feel weird, but I haven’t.

 

He was traveling last weekend and he kept in touch, only about one text a day, but understandable. My only “observation” was that I did ask him to let me know when his plane landed safely (we had a bad storm roll through and he was mentioning how other planes had slid off the runway). He said he would, but he didn’t. Just texted me the next morning as if nothing had happened and that he had a great first day, etc. he’s always texted me before in those cases so I’m not sure what happened.

 

Nothing to get bent out of shape about, but more just noting for when perhaps he’s away.

 

We went out to eat yesterday and I asked “so what do we want ~this to look like while you’re gone-do we want to keep going or do we want to end it...” just trying to gain perspective and see where I stood. I said it casually as I was eating, almost to stress that it wasn’t a huge deal/conversation that I was trying to drag up.

 

He said he wanted to continue if I was okay with that. Nothing official, but continuing at the pace we are, which I’m okay with. I didn’t want to hash out the details then and there (again didn’t want a big convo about it-which seems where these things go when talking to him) so I’ll have to gain clarity, but I did ask about Skype dates and he said that was totally fair and wasn’t asking too much.

 

I will say his reactions are almost comical. The second I said what I said (I can’t stress enough how “off the cuff” it was). He brought up only being here this upcoming week and then having to move and I was like “oh yeah that’s right! By the way....” he looked like he’d seen a ghost and dropped his fork on his plate. I was actually chuckling and I was like “you can keep eating yanno” in jest I told him that he was terrible at keeping a poker face and now I knew how to stop him dead in his tracks. He agreed.

 

So basically we are going to keep going. I’ll see how everything works out over the next month with Valentine’s Day and his ceremony (if he invites me). Kind of play it by ear.

 

Seems strange but the more I reflect the more the title of boyfriend just felt natural because, well that’s how he’s acting. Heck, he’s done more for me than most actual boyfriends I’ve had. I wanted to lay claim, maybe even to try and ~guarantee some rights while he was away (communication and what not), but I realize that isn’t how it works. He could be amazing without the title or crummy with it.

 

 

One thing I find funny is last week someone misconstrued us a couple and the lady referred to him as my boyfriend when she mentioned how strong he is. At the time he ignored it and wouldn’t acknowledge that she said it and then last night we were laughing about the funny things they said about us and he kept bringing up how she said “your boyfriend is so strong”

 

All things considered this has been an atrocious month for me (not just because of this thread lol), so for now I’m content to go with the flow and see how it pans out. Not super concerned or convinced that he’s looking for other women that better suit him-he seems like he REALLY likes me and is just conflicted about getting attached himself. Not an excuse, but that gut reaction/fear that started this thread isn’t there anymore. I’m content at the moment to enjoy what we have and see if he steps up to inviting me and including me in things and to see if he carves out time to reach out. If it doesn’t serve me, I won’t sit around, it may take awhile to process, but if I see the writing on the wall (lack of effort) I’ll bow out gracefully and continue my search.

 

PS. I know I was being silly awhile back talking about redoing parts of my house but not wanting to commit to something expensive-my dishwasher flooded last week and is officially kaput-life has a funny way of working out sometimes [emoji23]

 

Hope everyone is doing well! ❤️

[reinventmyself]

Thanks for update!

I've cruised by here a few times wondering.

 

It sounds like you have a good handle on things. I don't want to jinx you but I also know that after time spent together we often feel secure,

but in their absence the tension starts to build again.

IF that happens come back reread what you wrote and hold onto that!

 

Sounds like things are off to a good start, especially in light of his schedule.

Keep us posted.

[Batya33]

It sounds like you're fine with the arrangement where you are not committed to each other and each one of you can keep your options open -it sounds like he really enjoys spending time with you and plans to keep seeing you. Obviously having a boyfriend-girlfriend commitment doesn't guarantee great behavior on either front - but it does mean that you agree to close off all other options and not look to date or date others. It also sounds like it benefits you to be able to keep options open given your lifestyle/situation.

 

It's always cute to play at being a committed couple and do the whole "boyfriend" third person reference and when others assume you are married!

You seem calm and comfortable with what he can offer you now.

[bluecastle]

Nice to hear!

 

You sound way more centered, able to enjoy things without getting in too much of a knot. Keep leaning into that—the joy and the lessons—and everything will turn out as it's supposed to.