Update & question on where to go from here

[reinventmyself]

3rd time.

How soon until he leaves?

[bluecastle]

I'll raise you that third, reinvent, and throw in my own echo to make it a fourth: When, exactly, does he leave?

 

Will inform my own advice.

[katrina1980]

 

You’re right. I think it’s that I’m used to doing things at my own pace (pouring time and energy into research, etc.) and I should be able to still, but, for example I want to upgrade my bathroom-just because, but that’s a lot of money to invest if I’m all of a sudden not around enough. I’d currently be buying tile and pricing out baths right now if I operated on my timeline. Trying to hold back from major home renovations though because I cant afford that and to travel.

 

I’m going to breathe like you said and dial it back. The downfall of me being a constant planner and wanting to be a DIY home goddess with lofty ideas haha. I can maybe channel energy into some not as drastic goals for the time being.

 

I am still so confused akr -- on one hand you agreed with reinvent about not leaving the decision up to him (or waiting for him to decide) but then you proceed to tell us you're doing just that!!

 

By waiting on upgrading your bathroom because it's a lot of money to invest, should he decide he wants a relationship with you! In which case, you wouldn't be around enough, you'd be traveling. Arghh!

 

Do NOT wait on any man, no matter how strong the chemistry or how much you like him, that's like handing your power (for lack of a better word) over to him on a silver, no GOLD, platter!

 

Not only that, but he's bound to notice too, no matter how hard you try to hide, and despite some men's assertions to the contrary, no man wants that type of power over a woman, to the point that his decisions and actions control her decisions and actions.

 

Quickest way to lost a man's respect. You are your own woman, with your own life, capable of making her own decisions, carrying out those decisions for yourself. Unless you are in a committed RL which it appears you are no where near yet.

 

JMO as always, but for the love of all things beautiful, if you want to upgrade your bath or anything else, just do it for goodness sakes -- do NOT wait on him.

 

He will respect you for it and as reinvent said, make you more attractive to him too.

 

Lastly, you don't have to dial anything back, except your own expectations and for some reason unbeknownst to me, allowing him to control the outcome of this.

[katrina1980]

 

One day I realized that all that exhausting effort was better spent on learning how to trust myself. Because after all, people will disappoint you. I spent a considerable amount of time learning that I have what it takes to be brave and say yes, to say no, know when to stay, when to bail and know that no matter what, I will be ok.

 

When I accomplished this dating became fun, rewarding and in a lot of ways I could sense I became more attractive. The rewards in turn reinforced the track I was on.

 

Stop putting all the responsibility on him. You take care of you. Take in the information given and make an informed decision. If you aren't ready to make one, that's perfectly ok. You wait until you get more information. But until then, breath. Trust that you have what it takes to do this and come out the other side just fine for having experienced it.

 

This! All of it! Another cut and paste on fridge from reinvent -- and read every morn as an affirmation! lol

[reinventmyself]

 

By waiting on upgrading your bathroom because it's a lot of money to invest, should he decide he wants a relationship with you! In which case, you wouldn't be around enough, you'd be traveling. Arghh!

 

Do NOT wait on any man, no matter how strong the chemistry or how much you like him, that's like handing your power (for lack of a better word) over to him on a silver, no GOLD, platter!

 

Not only that, but he's bound to notice too, no matter how hard you try to hide, and despite some men's assertions to the contrary, no man wants that type of power over a woman, to the point that his decisions and actions control her decisions and actions.

.

^^^this !

Is he planning his life around you and your schedule?

Even a little? I don't think so.

You're aren't entirely sure when you'll hear from next most of the time.

And that's ok.

[katrina1980]

^^^this !

Is he planning his life around you and your schedule? Even a little? I don't think so.

 

OMG we "this'd" each other at the same time!! LOL

[akrngrl]

3rd time.

How soon until he leaves?

 

Sorry I answered in post #200, but it was on the last page

 

“The first time he changes states is only for 2-3 months then he’s back in my immediate area for another 3 months-then back to the same place apparently for 11ish months. It’s a few hour train ride between us and also my home state so not ENTIRELY impossible, but as I’ve mentioned I’ll most likely be always going to visit him so I’m hesitant to be willing to toss away that time and money on someone that’s “afraid” even if they are doing all the right things.”

[reinventmyself]

OMG we "this'd" each other at the same time!! LOL

 

that's funny

[reinventmyself]

Sorry I answered in post #200, but it was on the last page

 

“The first time he changes states is only for 2-3 months then he’s back in my immediate area for another 3 months-then back to the same place apparently for 11ish months. It’s a few hour train ride between us and also my home state so not ENTIRELY impossible, but as I’ve mentioned I’ll most likely be always going to visit him so I’m hesitant to be willing to toss away that time and money on someone that’s “afraid” even if they are doing all the right things.”

 

It's still isn't clear Ak. Sorry.

From today, how many more days until he leaves?

[bluecastle]

It's still isn't clear Ak. Sorry.

From today, how many more days until he leaves?

 

Yes, THIS!

 

(sorry, had to...)

[akrngrl]

I am still so confused akr -- on one hand you agreed with reinvent about not leaving the decision up to him (or waiting for him to decide) but then you proceed to tell us you're doing just that!!

 

By waiting on upgrading your bathroom because it's a lot of money to invest, should he decide he wants a relationship with you! In which case, you wouldn't be around enough, you'd be traveling. Arghh!

 

Do NOT wait on any man, no matter how strong the chemistry or how much you like him, that's like handing your power (for lack of a better word) over to him on a silver, no GOLD, platter!

 

Not only that, but he's bound to notice too, no matter how hard you try to hide, and despite some men's assertions to the contrary, no man wants that type of power over a woman, to the point that his decisions and actions control her decisions and actions.

 

Quickest way to lost a man's respect. You are your own woman, with your own life, capable of making her own decisions, carrying out those decisions for yourself. Unless you are in a committed RL which it appears you are no where near yet.

 

JMO as always, but for the love of all things beautiful, if you want to upgrade your bath or anything else, just do it for goodness sakes -- do NOT wait on him.

 

He will respect you for it and as reinvent said, make you more attractive to him too.

 

Lastly, you don't have to dial anything back, except your own expectations and for some reason unbeknownst to me, allowing him to control the outcome of this.

 

Fair point and I appreciate the call to reality. Regardless I should do what I want, but it would just make my life more complicated trying to have both should I need to travel or I’d have to say “sorry, the money was spent and I can’t afford to see you.”

 

I understand what you’re saying though about a man losing respect. We never mentioned it so it’s not waving now, but he’d likely figure it out eventually.

 

In me doing me, I just don’t want to make more work for myself. I’m allowing too many variables though.

[reinventmyself]

deleted. . . . .

[katrina1980]

This seems like an argument to not redo your bathroom?

 

Either that or an excuse to avoid taking responsibility for your own life and your own actions.

 

To reiterate, HE is the one being wishy-washy about this, taking his time figuring this out.

 

If this were me, I would tell him that I am excited because I am upgrading my bath; will be a bit tight with the finances for awhile but it's worth it cause it's MY bathroom, and I get to come home every night to a beautiful bathroom!

 

I would not even mention that I won't be able to travel, because that's assuming he even wants you to! And you know how I feel about "assumptions." They don't belong in a healthy developing RL.

 

If your having money to travel with him (or to him) is so important to him, then let him get off his arse and make a damn decision, then again perhaps it's just not that important to him, which if I were to hazard a guess, it precisely what's happening (I'm sorry).

 

Otherwise, none of this would be happening.

[Batya33]

I agree with Katrina. Put none of your life on hold at all for the "what ifs" with this person. You will regret it and feel foolish. If you own you home I assume the value will go up if you have an upgraded bathroom. And yes he needs to see you living your life on your own terms, not in a holding pattern.

[akrngrl]

This seems like an argument to not redo your bathroom?

 

It’s more so that I like to make calculated risks with money and kind of back to my two different lifestyles I mentioned earlier. Single me is a hermit who loves to never leave the house and therefore wants it to be an oasis. Dating me is willing/wants to travel and be out and about and experiencing new things.

 

I can’t explain why there is such a drastic difference between the two, but it makes it hard for me to find balance in the middle as there is no overlap.

 

I’d say It was because I was looking for a man to make me happy, but that’s genuinely not the case. When I’m alone I’m happiest in my little bubble and I have no desire to leave. Having two people in my bubble though? Nope, no thank you-much rather be out and about.

[akrngrl]

Either that or an excuse to avoid taking responsibility for your own life and your own actions.

 

To reiterate, HE is the one being wishy-washy about this, taking his time figuring this out.

 

If this were me, I would tell him that I am excited because I am upgrading my bath; will be a bit tight with the finances for awhile but it's worth it cause it's MY bathroom, and I get to come home every night to a beautiful bathroom!

 

I would not even mention that I won't be able to travel, because that's assuming he even wants you to! And you know how I feel about "assumptions." They don't belong in a healthy developing RL.

 

If your having money to travel with him (or to him) is so important to him, then let him get off his arse and make a damn decision, then again perhaps it's just not that important to him, which if I were to hazard a guess, it precisely what's happening (I'm sorry).

 

Otherwise, none of this would be happening.

 

That’s true Kat! I always looked at it from the perspective of “well if now suddenly I can’t do something/deliver then it’s going to be on me that this didn’t work out” or “if he hears about me laying down more roots by investing he may just think I’m not willing to ever leave”, but you’re right. If it’s important to him he can get off his butt and make a decision. He tried to make a comment last week about if I planned to stay where I was and that I must because I own a place and I was honest in that I’m not tied here to this area for any reason. So if he can’t remember that than boo on him.

 

It’s alright. Part of me kinda knows that that may be the case. I’m going to go with what reinvent Said to say before he leaves. I shouldn’t even be thinking of investing money in travel to see a guy who is wishy-washy about me.

[akrngrl]

I agree with Katrina. Put none of your life on hold at all for the "what ifs" with this person. You will regret it and feel foolish. If you own you home I assume the value will go up if you have an upgraded bathroom. And yes he needs to see you living your life on your own terms, not in a holding pattern.

 

I’m hoping so! I’m all about increasing equity. My head is very business orientated when I’m alone, maybe it’s for the best that I stay that way lol.

[Batya33]

I’m hoping so! I’m all about increasing equity. My head is very business orientated when I’m alone, maybe it’s for the best that I stay that way lol.

 

I think you have to get clarity and not accept that you are as extreme as you think you are - because you're going to have to be flexible with your need for space/alone time/who can be in your physical spac if you want any kind of in person serious romantic relationship. I think in part you're treating how you are as a given when in reality people change/are flexible/adapt to the "new normal". I got married ,became a mother, unemployed for the first time and relocated in the space of one year. And I am a creature of habit/routine. Right. And I couldn't be one anymore. And somehow through all the craziness of all these changes within one year I felt regularly like I'd won the lottery. It's all a matter of perspective/managing expectations -that is, if you REALLY want a partner.

[figureitout23]

I’d say It was because I was looking for a man to make me happy, but that’s genuinely not the case. When I’m alone I’m happiest in my little bubble and I have no desire to leave. Having two people in my bubble though? Nope, no thank you-much rather be out and about.

 

I'm gonna call BS.

 

If you were content and saw dating as an addition to your life I dont think this post would exist. Its fear and insecurity that leads to people staying in a situation that is not meeting their needs.

 

Look girl, the reason this post is so long I think is because you keep morphing who you are to fit whoever is responding to you, one minute your cool and calm the next you admit your anxiety.

 

We cant tell you who you are, society cant set your boundaries, and he cant tell you what you need in a partner.

 

Im not sure if youre simpy saying what you think people want to hear or youre truly this confused, but the responses are starting to be like a pendulum swing.

[katrina1980]

That’s true Kat! I always looked at it from the perspective of “well if now suddenly I can’t do something/deliver then it’s going to be on me that this didn’t work out” or “if he hears about me laying down more roots by investing he may just think I’m not willing to ever leave”...,

 

Bolded, I say let him think that! Again, he's the one being wishy-washy, perhaps if he thought he may lose you because of it, it may motivate him to do something about it -- like make up his d*** mind.

 

As it stands now, he's not motivated to do anything, make any sort of decision, because he knows you'll still be there waiting around for him no matter what!

 

Worst place to be with a man -- it's literally the kiss of death. He will become bored, complacent, lose respect, eventually turn off if he hasn't already.

 

It’s alright. Part of me kinda knows that that may be the case. I’m going to go with what reinvent Said to say before he leaves. I shouldn’t even be thinking of investing money in travel to see a guy who is wishy-washy about me.

 

Exactly!

[bluecastle]

I'm just going to circle back around to an earlier point: you are both being wishy-washy at this juncture.

 

The difference is that he's being open about it, and you're doing backroom mental gymnastics. Are you simply wishy-washy because he's wishy-washy? Well, maybe. But I think it's also that you're not sure how Forever would look with him, at least not for a few months when his movements settle down, so, really, it's kind of time to just own that all your Big Questions are months away from having answers and decide if there's still something worth exploring in the interim—if there are smaller questions that can be asked, smaller pleasures that can be enjoyed without the weight of What's Going to Happen.

 

Want to redo the bathroom? Redo the bathroom. Want to redo the bathroom and keep exploring things with him? Do that. Want to make sure there's some $$ in the piggy bank to visit a wishy-washy guy you have a ball with? Heck, you can do that too! (I just had a great impromptu weekend away with a wishy-washy woman, as it happens, but great because I wasn't expecting her to have The Answer to My Future by weekend's end. I'm a bit wishy-washy myself these days, but I digress...)

 

You're creating binary rules where no real rules exist, and that's keeping you in knots. Try to let go of the potential variables here, and focus on the actual.

[katrina1980]

blue, you know earlier back I would have agreed with you.

 

But since then, akr has clarified a few things.

 

1. She not looking for "Answer to My Future" - she looking to see if this guy is on the same page as her re wanting to develop an exclusive relationship, in an effort to determine if there might be a Future together, at some point.

 

2. She not even looking for a commitment, which I had earlier thought she was since she used that word, but she clarified that no it's too early for that, she simply wants to know, after two months, if there is potential for that down the road. Which is why we date, exclusively date and form relationships, to focus only on each other to determine if there is something there, something to build on.

 

You know I like you but with all due respect your particular attitude towards dating and relationships, while very much like mine in certain respects, is extremely liberal and lax to say the least. Way more than most people would feel comfortable with imho, even myself. I won't go into everything, but I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.

 

I think it's a big stretch to ask a woman who's been dating a man for two months to essentially wait around with the hope he will eventually know how he feels and what he wants -- with her.

 

Now I realize you would not have any problem with that, and that's fine for you -- heck, you just admitted you are wishy-washy yourself these days! And that you had great weekend with a woman who was also wishy-washy.

 

I honestly don't think this would be okay with most people, especially when feelings and emotions are involved. I know I wouldn't be.

 

Now for me, I don't push. I allow things to develop naturally and organically as you know. Even willing to live in a little uncertainty for a bit. I am also a risk taker, probably more than most.

 

However, after two months, at the very least I need a man to be certain that he has feelings for me, and wants to focus only on me. No more needs to be said other than that, again we allow things to develop at their natural pace.

 

But this guy won't even give her that, in fact after assuring her he had hid his profile from the dating app, she discovered he had not, and he was still skulking around.

 

That right there would have been a dealbreaker for me at this early stage -- but akr has chosen to stick around and she's paying the price for that emotionally by continue to spin around in an anxious frenzy, wondering what the heck is going on.

 

I don't think this is healthy OR smart. But it's her choice, I respect it and to akr, I truly hope it all works out for you the way you hope and want.

[figureitout23]

Yeah she is but she cant seem to decide if its ok or not,

 

one minute its a deal breaker the next it isnt.

 

One minute she wants a relationship the next she doesnt

 

The goal post is moved constantly to fit her mood and anxiety level

 

cant blame folks for being confused.

[katrina1980]

Yeah she is but she cant seem to decide if its ok or not,

 

one minute its a deal breaker the next it isnt.

 

One minute she wants a relationship the next she doesnt

 

The goal post is moved constantly to fit her mood and anxiety level

 

cant blame folks for being confused.

 

Oh I hear ya, I've been confused throughout this thread! And voiced that.

 

But even with all her back and forth, what I'm sensing is that what she really wants, again at the very least, is to know that there is potential there, the desire for something solid, something substantial that they can build on. And from what I've read, after two months, he's unable to give her that.

 

I think she's being dishonest, attempting to twist herself into a pretzel in an effort to adapt to the ambiguity and uncertainty, because she's not quite ready yet to call it a day.

 

But she's not being genuine or real, and that's the problem. She's not being true to herself and when we're not true to ourselves, when we try to adapt to something other than who we are, and what we truly want, things become crazy -- we start to feel crazy.

 

Which I think is what we're seeing here, a bit of her "craziness" that's causing us and this thread to become very confusing!

[bluecastle]

Yeah she is but she cant seem to decide if its ok or not,

 

one minute its a deal breaker the next it isnt.

 

One minute she wants a relationship the next she doesnt

 

The goal post is moved constantly to fit her mood and anxiety level

 

cant blame folks for being confused.

 

Exactly.

 

Last thing I’m doing here is trying to equivocate or preach my way. This bullseye just keeps moving, so I’m pushing a bit to chose a target and stick with it.