Does this OLD experience have red flags written all over it

[SherrySher]

It's all well and good, but you might want to ask yourself why the same scenario keeps happening to you and guys just drop off or you don't hear from them again.

 

That's all I am saying.

 

You might be having too low of expectations and standards.

[pippy longstocking]

I am going to my bed /sofa depending on which I manage to get to first ... hope it all works out well for you .

[mustlovedogs]

It’s a normal time of year to be away. Chill and circle back when he’s available again.

[baffledgirl]

I find it incredibly telling that you are insinuating you have high standards and expectation for the men you date, but you let him swing in and out of your life when someone else caught his attention and you were too scared to even ask if he was still dating her. The lady doth protest too much, me thinks.

 

My not asking him has nothing to do with fear. I am comfortable working under assumption that it didn't workout with that other person until it matters. I am not the one to ask about guy's intentions on the first dates either. To me their intentions do not matter until I've decided that I want to pursue a relationship with them. The ones with not so honorable intentions usually disappear on their own anyway because I don't have sex with perfect strangers I meet on the internet. Since I don't go out with guys more then once unless I find them quite interesting to talk to, sharing some laughs and a few drinks over the course of a few weeks is not any bigger waste of time than watching a TV show.

[baffledgirl]

You might be having too low of expectations and standards.

 

Because my main source of guys are dating apps and we all know what most guy there are looking for. Every single friend I have experiences exactly same pattern of behavior from their online dates, so I am not sure what it's got to do with standards.

[SherrySher]

Because you have been in how many scenarios now with guys ghosting you or not caring to drop off whenever?

 

That's because you don't walk away from guys who treat you as an option. You don't tell them you want something serious and aren't okay with them disappearing for 3 weeks.

It's not forcing them into marriage, but it is asking for manners from them and to treat you like someone they are dating somewhat seriously or might date seriously.

 

I mean, yeah, it's only 3 dates but he did basically drop you the first time around.

 

You are the one who tells people how you're going to be treated and what you will accept or not.

 

These men are walking away without any thought or manners because you are letting them and they know it won't matter.

 

Either way, I think you know this on some level, otherwise you wouldn't have written to two different forums.

 

Guys treat you how you allow. And you're being treated like a casual whatever.

[baffledgirl]

That's because you don't walk away from guys who treat you as an option. You don't tell them you want something serious and aren't okay with them disappearing for 3 weeks.

It's not forcing them into marriage, but it is asking for manners from them and to treat you like someone they are dating somewhat seriously or might date seriously.

 

lol that's a whole lot of assumptions based on one dating experience I've outlined here. Guys don't disappear after 3 dates because you didn't ask them what their their intentions were, they disappear because a) they didn't like you enough and 2) they realized on their own that you were looking for something more serious that they are willing to give.

 

Also, if a guy does not reach out to me again after 3 dates and I don't reach back to him, it is the definition of me walking away from him. I don't know how else one would walk away lol

[SherrySher]

Well, difference of opinion.

 

I wish you the best but don't be shocked if you don't hear from him again or it keeps going on where he treats you as a casual date.

(I'm also going on my experience with OLD, but luckily I no longer have to do that).

 

Good luck.

[figureitout23]

My not asking him has nothing to do with fear. I am comfortable working under assumption that it didn't workout with that other person until it matters. I am not the one to ask about guy's intentions on the first dates either. To me their intentions do not matter until I've decided that I want to pursue a relationship with them. The ones with not so honorable intentions usually disappear on their own anyway because I don't have sex with perfect strangers I meet on the internet. Since I don't go out with guys more then once unless I find them quite interesting to talk to, sharing some laughs and a few drinks over the course of a few weeks is not any bigger waste of time than watching a TV show.

 

Then what’s the point of this post?

 

You haven’t decided if he’s datable which apparently means you don’t care if he’s got a girlfriend, but you’re writing on not one but multiple boards because you can’t believe he wouldn’t discuss his holdaiy plans with you, a girl who hasn’t decided if he’s datable...

 

Did I get that right? Just want to be sure.

 

I gotta say i think it’s time for me to tap out too. I hope your ego eventually settles and you actually seek out advice, youre chipping away at yourself pretending youre not phased.

 

I wish you luck.

[SherrySher]

I agree Figureitout...my sentiments exactly.

 

Goodnight.

[bluecastle]

My feeling is your anxiety about this is an extension of not bringing up the elephant in the room: where things stand with the other person.

 

You’ve told yourself a comforting story—that he reached out after that proved a non-thing—which may be the true story. But without hearing it from him I think so anxiousness is simmering.

 

Whenever I’ve been in a version of his shoes or yours shoes, which is pretty common in OLD, there tends to be a brief conversation. “I was seeing someone, didn’t work out...” Blah blah.

 

As for the rest, nothing here signals to me. He’s scattered, about to travel, doesn’t quite know you well enough to clearly express that. If chilling is an option without spinning—take that. If this whole thing has you spinnning—move on.

[Annia]

It caught me off guard because he made no mention of going away for three weeks until he refused my invitation to do something we discussed possibly doing together on our last date. I am also of the opinion that few people are so busy that they cannot meetup for an hour with someone they like before going away for three weeks. Would you not agree?

 

I don't think being too busy is a red flag of lack of interest but not making plans to see you or assuming right away that on 3 weeks he won't be able to see you might be a sign that he's just not that interest. I'd wait a bit more before taking conclusions and see what he does. And also I see no harm in asking him if things with that former colleague are "resolved".

[baffledgirl]

Did I get that right? Just want to be sure. I gotta say i think it’s time for me to tap out too. I hope your ego eventually settles and you actually seek out advice, youre chipping away at yourself pretending youre not phased.

 

With all do respect, your replies had much less to do with answering my question - Is it a bad sign when a guy you've had some great dates with sort of leaves you hanging before going away for the holidays (i've got mixed feedback from people) - and more with trying to diagnose me with all sort of personality flaws such as simultaneously having inflated ego and low standards/self esteem. Attribute it to my inflated ego, but I have little interest in having a virtual stranger who knows nothing about me except that I liked a guy enough to wonder if he likes me back tell me that I am all sorts of messed up in the head. Thanks

[baffledgirl]

My feeling is your anxiety about this is an extension of not bringing up the elephant in the room: where things stand with the other person.

 

You’ve told yourself a comforting story—that he reached out after that proved a non-thing—which may be the true story. But without hearing it from him I think so anxiousness is simmering.

 

Whenever I’ve been in a version of his shoes or yours shoes, which is pretty common in OLD, there tends to be a brief conversation. “I was seeing someone, didn’t work out...” Blah blah.

 

As for the rest, nothing here signals to me. He’s scattered, about to travel, doesn’t quite know you well enough to clearly express that. If chilling is an option without spinning—take that. If this whole thing has you spinnning—move on.

 

Thank you for the feedback. Totally agree that I should chill out. As far as that other girl goes, honestly, I don't think I am that worried about him still seeing her. If I am, it's very very deep in my subconscious :) This being said, I am definitely planning on talking with him about it if we continue seeing each other.

[bluecastle]

Thank you for the feedback. Totally agree that I should chill out. As far as that other girl goes, honestly, I don't think I am that worried about him still seeing her. If I am, it's very very deep in my subconscious :) This being said, I am definitely planning on talking with him about it if we continue seeing each other.

 

Only you know, of course. I guess I've been in his shoes—recently, in fact—when I reach back out to someone from OLD and invariably there's a quick, cool chat about why. And I've had people do the same to me, always being up front (something women are generally better at) saying they'd gotten into a little thing, were now out of it, remained curious about me.

 

I generally stay in total chill, total low stakes mode during the first month of seeing someone. Three dates, even if all include sex, is still total anything goes territory in my book. Things may get serious. I might fade, she might fade, is what it is.

 

But that's just me, a place I'm comfortable exploring without much feedback or analysis. You know you.

 

Meeting someone right before the holidays almost always has some weirdness. Awkward to say you're leaving for a stretch, awkward to say nothing. Awkward, in short. Frankly, I always find it odd how quick people are to label this stuff ish—but, then again, I'm a dude, so I only know my side of things and I'm well aware we can be a pain in the neck on the communication front. I'm often a pain in my own neck.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like you wanted to start a relationship and he wanted hookups/casual dating. Where is "home" for him? Is that where his collage gf is?After only a few dates it may be best to move on since you don't know what's going on and he certainly has no future plans with you, but was happy to keep inviting you to his place while it lasted.

he had recently reconnected with a college friend and felt like he owed her to stop pursuing other women.. His reply was that his schedule was packed because he was going home in 10 days. I was kinda taken aback because there was absolutely no mention of us not seeing each other for 3 weeks and because he made no mention of seeing each other after he gets back.

[Jellybean9]

I haven't read all the other comments. So not sure if I'm repeating anything. Anyway this is my view on the situation...

 

The wanting to re-establish dating him again after what happened a couple of months ago isn't a bad thing. If that's what you want.

 

That said I would have questioned about if he is still dating this other girl. As I do feel you have every right to as he stopped dating you to see her. I think what we did all those months ago was commendable as he clearly values exclusivity.

 

Now from my experience of something reaching out to me on a dating app after we have had one date ages ago...

 

I went on a first date with a guy almost a year before we rematched again. He messages instantly asking if I remember him. From what I remembered the first date was nice but I did get vibes he was interested in just sex. So I never went on a second date with him. I may have jumped the gun with that but I try not to waste time so I thought no point persuing.

 

So after rematching he suggest we go for coffee. We spoke about what we have been up to for the year. He said he had one relationship that didn't work out and now he was back to OLD. So I had thought oh maybe he wasn't a "player"... So was trying to arrange a day for coffee as we both lived locally.

 

He let slip that he was living at home with it his parents again and no longer working. I asked why and he said he was going off traveling in three weeks. So I was like what's the point for coffee. He said he remembered I was "stunning" and thought maybe after seeing him again I might want to have a "bit of fun" with him before he went away in there weeks.

 

I declined his offer! So essentially I was right about him a whole year ago. Go with you gut.

 

So why have I told you about that...

 

This is what I see with your situation. I could be wrong. He rematched with you. He remembers you and it saves him time getting to know someone else. So he suggested to meet. It cuts out the need for the first date to establish if you "fancy" them.

 

You have your first date (technically second) he hints for you to go to his. You decline.

 

By the "second" date you go to his. It's PG-13. I'm sure he was hoping for more... Then he goes away for three weeks.

 

Seems like he reached out due to familiarity didn't get what he wanted and pulled away. Like the guy I was going to go on a second date with (well I pulled away but same difference).

 

That said... It is Christmas so he could genuinley be away for three weeks and super busy. I'm busy as it's the holiday season. So are a lot of people.

 

I shared my story so if he doesn't reach out maybe you understand why.

 

If he does reach out just be a little cautious. Ask him about his ex and go from there.

 

Good luck!

[figureitout23]

With all do respect, your replies had much less to do with answering my question - Is it a bad sign when a guy you've had some great dates with sort of leaves you hanging before going away for the holidays (i've got mixed feedback from people) - and more with trying to diagnose me with all sort of personality flaws such as simultaneously having inflated ego and low standards/self esteem. Attribute it to my inflated ego, but I have little interest in having a virtual stranger who knows nothing about me except that I liked a guy enough to wonder if he likes me back tell me that I am all sorts of messed up in the head. Thanks

 

i already answered that. I stated cuffing season is not for the weak at heart because far too often you’re there as a place holder or as it appears to possibly be in your situation, you have to stall your dating progression because of travel. So your question was indeed answer, the other comments are far from analysis, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to be confused/concerned by the contradiction that you have expectations that a man has to tell you his holiday plans but not to tell you his dating intentions. Like blue so eloquently pointed out your anxiety is running the show. My way of saying it isn’t so pretty. I tend to be much more blunt in my approach.

 

I’m actually surprised you think asking someone’s dating intentions isn’t a first date question, it’s pracrically the first thing out of my mouth! Holding off on sex isn’t the only thing thats going to guard your heart. You have to look out for yourself while dating emotionally and mentally. what’s the point of “ oh it’s ok that he’s playing these games with me because we didn’t have sex, he didn’t get to me emotionally” when he has you mentally? When you can’t stop ruminating over what happened? It’s still affecting you is it not?

 

I said on my previous post, I hope your ego settles enough for you to take some advice in. That doesn’t equal you having an inflated ego, or psychoanalysis, it means I can see through your contradicting statements and mentions of other boards being rude that your defenses are up.

 

What youre suggesting would be a poster stating hey I have a huge lump on my breast and it’s hot to the touch and I have a history of breast cancer on my fathers side. Do you think I should get subway for lunch?

 

You’re insisting I pay attention to the mouse in the counter but I can’t because the elephants suffocating me. Which is why I said I should tap out and that I wish you luck, which i honestly do. Dating can be hard. Especially during the holidays.

[Annia]

I have the same boundary problem of not communicating and asserting my boundaries (I've written on this forum several times about it) so I can relate with the excuses our brain makes like "I didn't want to come too strong" and etc. But I'd say that you should ask about the other girl, there's no problem at all in doing so. I also agree with some of the others that 3 dates in and on holiday season you shouldn't expect him to drop everything to be with you if prioritise you over the rest of his life. However it's good to see if he's very much on the casual side or if there's potential for more (if that's what you want) by observing his actions. Relax and let him take the lead. Live your life as always and see if he either invites you for a date in these 3 weeks or when he comes back. Don't stress about it.

[Sportster2005]

Three months ago, I went on one date with a guy I met on Tinder, which went very well. He initiated a bunch of texting after the date and there was talk of meeting up again. A week later, I got a text saying that although he liked me he had recently reconnected with a college friend and felt like he owed her to stop pursuing other women. I wished him best of luck and moved on.

 

 

I stopped reading after this.

 

He basically chose someone else over you. You were an option, as he pursued his priority. Under no circumstance should you let people like this back in your life. Never !!!

[bluecastle]

I stopped reading after this.

 

He basically chose someone else over you. You were an option, as he pursued his priority. Under no circumstance should you let people like this back in your life. Never !!!

 

We this sentiment a lot on these boards, and I just want to chime in and say I think it's pretty harsh and limited.

 

It's one thing if two people are in a longterm relationship, one goes off to explore something else, then circles back around. that can get dice.

 

But in the early stages of dating? I kind of think it's par for the course—everyone, early, is just a potential option, no?—and honestly respect it when people are honest about it.

 

When I meet someone online I assume they are chatting with other people, probably going on other dates. Weighing options, in other words. To believe that someone should be fully focused on you after one meet up is kind of absurd, I think.

[baffledgirl]

We this sentiment a lot on these boards, and I just want to chime in and say I think it's pretty harsh and limited. It's one thing if two people are in a longterm relationship, one goes off to explore something else, then circles back around. that can get dice.

 

This is totally how I see this, which is why I didn't hold it against him. He was considerate enough to actually reach out and cancel the date instead of ghosting me, which is why I swiped on him again. I would have not swiped the second time on someone who just disappeared on me without a word. If anything, him wanting to go exclusive with someone back then told me that he was open to a relationship, which is a good sign in my book. As I said before, if I had to pick between a friend I liked who suggested we go exclusive and a cute/interesting Tinder guy I liked but only met once, I'd pick a friend. It doesn't mean I didn't think highly of the Tinder guy. It just means that I met him at the wrong time.

[figureitout23]

We this sentiment a lot on these boards, and I just want to chime in and say I think it's pretty harsh and limited.

 

It's one thing if two people are in a longterm relationship, one goes off to explore something else, then circles back around. that can get dice.

 

But in the early stages of dating? I kind of think it's par for the course—everyone, early, is just a potential option, no?—and honestly respect it when people are honest about it.

 

When I meet someone online I assume they are chatting with other people, probably going on other dates. Weighing options, in other words. To believe that someone should be fully focused on you after one meet up is kind of absurd, I think.

 

Granted we all have our personal dating boundaries, while you think it’s harsh and rigid to tell someone they absolutely should not accept someone back when they walk away, I think it’s highly inconsiderate to give advice not taking the OPers mindset into account.

 

Like I was saying we all have our own personal boundaries which we typically reach by trial and error, you live you learn.

 

This post literally wouldn’t exist if she could handle a man choosing to pursue something else and coming back. Many people couldn’t as multiple women here attested to. First off because it’s not the same as the simple ebb and flow of early dating., he straight up told her he was pursuing someone else, second when he did come back her anxiety took over. That’s why many would not accept someone coming and going, without at the very least establishing what their current dating intentions were. It would take a confident person to be able to handle that, who had no problem stating boundaries and speaking up and establishing what they want from the other person. A lot of people, particularly younger women, have trouble finding their voices, they think it’s best to play calm and cool and down for whatever. It isn’t until they live and learn that they gain their own boundaries and dating rules.

 

Also I proudly date one person at a time.

[katrina1980]

We this sentiment a lot on these boards, and I just want to chime in and say I think it's pretty harsh and limited.

 

It's one thing if two people are in a longterm relationship, one goes off to explore something else, then circles back around. that can get dice.

 

But in the early stages of dating? I kind of think it's par for the course—everyone, early, is just a potential option, no?—and honestly respect it when people are honest about it.

 

When I meet someone online I assume they are chatting with other people, probably going on other dates. Weighing options, in other words. To believe that someone should be fully focused on you after one meet up is kind of absurd, I think.

 

Fair point, but that's not what's happening here, as least from what I've read.

 

Guy didn't choose to continue dating the OP while dating the other woman, he flat out rejected her (for lack of a better word) to date this other woman.

 

Apparently it didn't work out with other woman and circled back to OP, she was his second choice.

 

Now my late mom and I didn't get on that well, but she has said some very smart things to me including "never settle for sloppy seconds."

 

Which for all intents and purposes, OP was.

 

While I don't believe he was obligated to tell her about his travels prior to when he actually did, in thinking through this, I don't think I would have dated him again, even though yes he was honest, which is admirable (probably to keep door open in case the other woman didn't work out); as my late mom said, I don't feel good about being a man's second choice.

 

Dating is hard enough, especially early dating, without worrying about what happened with the other woman, and why he chose to date her first, me second. JMO of course.

 

@bc, I'd also like to ask you a question. You've posted previously that you and your recent ex had dated, then she stopped dating you at one point to pursue another man, but then circled back to you later, is this correct?

 

You had no problem with that, so began dating her, only to experience many issues (including her agreeing to be exclusive and then taking it back saying she is uncomfortable with the bf/gf label) all of which resulted in your choosing to stop dating her.

 

You don't strike me as the type of man to ever have regrets, but I am wondering if you ever think about this, the fact that she essentially chose you second, and what followed was a great time initially, followed by all these issues.

 

I understand you are still hurting a bit from all of it too.

 

So in retrospect, would you make the same choice again, choosing to date her when she circled back to you later?

 

Just wondering. :)

[baffledgirl]

Guy didn't choose to continue dating the OP while dating the other woman, he flat out rejected her (for lack of a better word) to date this other woman.

 

So, hypothetically speaking...you've been friends with a guy for a while and he suggests you give dating a try. You like your friend enough to agree to go out on a handful of dates with him, which goes very pretty well but you are still on dating apps because, well, that's what cool kids do nowadays. One day, he says, "Katrina, I just want you to know that I really like you and want to let you know that I am going to cancel my dates with other women to see where things can go with us".

 

Three days before this declaration you briefly met a guy you matched on Tinder who made a good first impression on you. You know very little about him however because you've been on one date. He could be crazy. He could be a total dud on date #2, he could be not really all that interested in pursuing things with you beyond 2-3 dates. He could be a high functioning drug addict who doesn't disclose this sort of info on the first date. He could be a million of other things that would disqualify him few dates down the road.

 

On the other hand, you've known your friend for years to establish that he is a normal, relationship minded, not a druggie, doesn't have a crazy ex girlfriend he's still secretly in love with. You also know that you find him attractive and have enjoyed going on dates with him. Would you really risk your budding romantic relationship with a friend by telling him that you'd like to continue dating other people for the sole purpose of appeasing your curiosity about the Tinder guy you've known for the total of 3 hours?