Does this OLD experience have red flags written all over it

[katrina1980]

I appreciate your feedback :) although I don't necessarily agree that there should be no expectations when it comes to early dating. For instance I do expect a man I just started dating not to text me for late night get togethers and I do expect a man who's interested in to plan dates in advance and to remember at least some things I told him about myself. I suppose it's not about expectations but rather about standards of behavior that you'd like the other person to meet. I understand that it's up to me to decide if I should continue seeing a guy who may be not meeting some of these standards.

 

I agree, and I did not say have no expectations bg, just lower your expectations because as some of us have said, including j.man who is a man btw, what you expected here is a bit over the top.

 

I mean again he did tell you; I highly doubt he was going to go off and not mention it, there was no reason for him to tell you prior to when he did. And as far as "leaving you hanging," not quite sure what you mean.

 

Leaving you hanging for what? Another date? Just do your own thing, live your life, talk and meet other men if you like and you won't be left hanging anywhere.

 

Again, it's only been three dates!

 

Anyway, happy holidays, and hope it works out; it sounds like you really like him!

 

Try and chill.

[j.man]

including j.man who is a man btw

Wow please don't assume based on the fact it's in my name. I identify as a non-binary water fowl, the species of which depends on the day, TYVM.

[baffledgirl]

I'd focus less on trying to read his mind and his level of interest and focus on your own threshold. What's your interest level? Why not see if he doesn't in fact get around to seeing you before he leaves? Would you be resentful if he didn't but proceeded to contact you in three weeks when he's returned? The only person you know and can control is yourself. Dating should be enjoyable, and if you find yourself not having fun, that means something's gotta give.

 

Good point about the holiday season. Definitely doesn't help.

 

Honestly, I don't know what I'd do. I like the guy as much as one can like a person they saw 4 times, but I am super skeptical with someone saying I "may" see you before I leave. The guys has a regular 9 to 5 job and is by no means a social butterfly, so it's hard to imagine that his schedule is that unpredictable.

[baffledgirl]

Try and chill.

 

That's the hardest part haha. Happy holidays!

[pippy longstocking]

Wow please don't assume based on the fact it's in my name. I identify as a non-binary water fowl TYVM.

 

oh my word ..I am screaming here ... stop

[baffledgirl]

I'd put it out of mind. Honestly, and it's just my take, I think it's established already that the dating is going to be rather casual. He invited you in to his super early. He asked for a squeeze in date, you agreed. You called him up after an outside date was done and went over to his house. I'm not judging you at all. Only saying I wouldn't expect formal dating with how it's gone down so far.

 

Have a good holiday season, and if he pops back up after, you can take it from there if you are still interested.

 

None of these interactions have involved any sort of sexual acts or even heavy makeout sessions so he has no reason to believe that I am into casual dating :) This being said, I do agree that his actions do suggest interest in something more casual that I am looking for. Happy Holidays!

[katrina1980]

Come on, girls. He was hoping for sex. He realized he wasn't going to get it unless it turned into a relationship, and he didn't want that. It is Tinder after all. Suddenly he's busy for the next three weeks. Yeah, right.

 

If you're looking for a relationship, this guy isn't it!

 

DZ I swear if it weren't the holidays, I'd be inclined to agree with you, 100%.

 

But since it is, him being gone sounds legit so giving him the benefit of the doubt here.

 

I think if OP remains cool, does her thing, and lowers expectations, he may contact her when he returns to pick things up; if she has attitude (which he will sense even if she tries to hide it), then he may not.

 

It's kinda too soon to tell, just have to wait and see what happens while he's gone (his level of contact) and when he returns.

 

@pips, you're up kinda late, aren't ya? Is that a British thing (guess I'll soon find out ); a British guy I talked to a couple of years back sometimes stayed up until 6:00 am!! LOL

[katrina1980]

None of these interactions have involved any sort of sexual acts or even heavy makeout sessions so he has no reason to believe that I am into casual dating :) This being said, I do agree that his actions do suggest interest in something more casual that I am looking for. Happy Holidays!

 

 

Well it's only been three dates, and it's the holidays, so...…..

 

Just let it play out bg, gradually, naturally, again try and chill.

[pippy longstocking]

@pips, you're up kinda late, aren't ya? Is that a British thing (guess I'll soon find out ); a British guy I talked to a couple of years back sometimes stayed up until 6:00 am!! LOL

 

oh yeah , it is 1.38 here ...I wont remember any of this tomorrow lol ..but I am sick of you lot getting all meaty when I have buggered off the bed ...to bed ...no the bed ..oh whatever

[baffledgirl]

Well it's only been three dates, and it's the holidays, so...…..

 

I am talking about him inviting me to hangout by his fireplace on date #2 not him leaving to go home :)

[pippy longstocking]

funnily enough though kat , I am on facebook chatting with one of mates of 25 years who is now in Florida

[katrina1980]

I am talking about him inviting me to hangout by his fireplace on date #2 not him leaving to go home :)

 

Well since he didn't push or even try for sex and it was essentially PG, I would not assume he's only looking for casual at this early stage of the game.

 

He might be, he might not be, it's too early to say, best to not make assumptions.

 

Again, try and relax and wait and see what happens after he returns.

[SherrySher]

From my point of view, you seem to be far too available for him. He does seem to be dropping you off and picking you back up whenever he pleases.

 

I personally wouldn't have gone back after he dismissed you the first time. He basically made it known that she was better and told you goodbye.

 

Then it doesn't work out with her and he picks you back up. I wouldn't have gone back.

 

His behavior indicates that he doesn't take you too seriously. I mean, he just drops you off and says.."see ya" for 3 weeks?

 

Honestly, I would say have a nice time and I would move on.

 

Who needs to feel like an option all the time?

[baffledgirl]

I personally wouldn't have gone back after he dismissed you the first time. He basically made it known that she was better and told you goodbye.

 

I don't take offense at him thinking that someone he knew and was friends with seemed better for him at the time than a woman he met on Tinder for a few hours. I have a healthy sense of self worth but I don't think that every man must fall head over heels in love with me the moment they meet me. He needed to make a choice and he made one that made the most sense for him at the moment (a woman he's friends with vs a perfect stranger he just met).

[pippy longstocking]

So are we better then the other forum you went on ? Surely they didn't have this kind of fizz going on

[baffledgirl]

So are we better then the other forum you went on ? Surely they didn't have this kind of fizz going on

 

Haha the other forum people told me that he's a pr*ck for not giving me heads up and telling that he MAY see me before he goes away and thus I should drop his ass immediately. The consensus was overwhelming.

[pippy longstocking]

Haha the other forum people told me that he's a pr*ck for not giving me heads up and telling that he MAY see me before he goes away and thus I should drop his ass immediately.

 

oh nooo ...well maybe we all think things through a bit more to reply rather then going straight for the throat with assumptions and negativity ...maybe they are all right ..only time will tell on this , depending on if you are going to walk away or see what happens from his side next .

 

I wouldn't be chasing him though ... maybe we will call it * the benefof of the doubt * for now

 

benefof ...good grief

[SherrySher]

Well, baffledgirl, don't be surprised then if he keeps up this behavior of dumping you whenever and treating you as an option all the time.

 

He doesn't need to propose but he is treating you like a side piece and not someone he is serious about.

[figureitout23]

You have every right to ask him , he already ended the comminication once to be with her .... own this ...don't be afraid to get the facts before continuing

 

ps comminication is a new word

 

Agree here.

 

 

I didn't want to come on too strong with interrogation right off the bad and was going to do my due diligence once I established that I am actually interested in dating him. Given that he was canceling dates to be with that other person, I assumed he would not be someone who'd be looking for sidepieces on Tinder, but obviously you don't know for sure till you ask (and even then lol).

 

 

 

It caught me off guard because he made no mention of going away for three weeks until he refused my invitation to do something we discussed possibly doing together on our last date. I am also of the opinion that few people are so busy that they cannot meetup for an hour with someone they like before going away for three weeks. Would you not agree?

 

I probably will never hear from him again, but I will definitely ask if he somehow manages to turn this thing around and proves himself a considerate courter :)

 

So you wouldn't expect the guy you've been going out with to volunteer the information about him not being available for the next three weeks? When he texted me after the date to say that he had nice time, wasn't it a perfect opportunity to mention that he'll be away for the Holidays but would love to see me afterwards - that is if he actually liked me and wanted to go out again?

 

 

I find it incredibly telling that you are insinuating you have high standards and expectation for the men you date, but you let him swing in and out of your life when someone else caught his attention and you were too scared to even ask if he was still dating her. The lady doth protest too much, me thinks.

 

 

From my point of view, you seem to be far too available for him. He does seem to be dropping you off and picking you back up whenever he pleases.

 

I personally wouldn't have gone back after he dismissed you the first time. He basically made it known that she was better and told you goodbye.

 

Then it doesn't work out with her and he picks you back up. I wouldn't have gone back.

 

His behavior indicates that he doesn't take you too seriously. I mean, he just drops you off and says.."see ya" for 3 weeks?

 

Honestly, I would say have a nice time and I would move on.

 

Who needs to feel like an option all the time?

 

I agree with this, but will say after 3 dates you're still very much in option territory.

 

I mean, I don't know what all you expected dating someone toward the beginning of what's the most common traveling season in the Western world. It happens and people often can't guarantee time for people they actually have made a meaningful investment in, much less someone they've gone on two dates with. If you wanted someone you could depend on scheduling and going on regular dates with, I think you chose a pretty ****ty time of year to do so. And, in fairness to the skepticism some have, it's likely some people know it's a tumultuous time and do date with less intention because of it. I think I've said it every year on these forums, but the holidays are a horrid time to start dating someone if you've got a thin skin or are insecure.

 

I'd focus less on trying to read his mind and his level of interest and focus on your own threshold. What's your interest level? Why not see if he doesn't in fact get around to seeing you before he leaves? Would you be resentful if he didn't but proceeded to contact you in three weeks when he's returned? The only person you know and can control is yourself. Dating should be enjoyable, and if you find yourself not having fun, that means something's gotta give.

 

Agree with the bold, cuffing season is not for the weak at heart, you're either a placeholder to stave off seasonal loneliness, or you're stuck losing traction because they're in Tahiti visiting their cousins. Logically speaking its just not a very good time to start pursuing anything. If you meet someone awesome in November or December, plan something for MLK day!

[baffledgirl]

oh nooo ...well maybe we all think things through a bit more to reply rather then going straight for the throat with assumptions and negativity ...maybe they are all right ..only time will tell on this , depending on if you are going to walk away or see what happens from his side next .

 

I think I am going to see things though if he doesn't fall off the face of the earth but will take things with a grain of salt. I actually went though what seems like a very similar experience with the last guy I dated. He came on super strong during the first three dates acting like he was head over heels with me (a side observer would think we were newlyweds), didn't get laid, disappeared for a few weeks and then resurfaced for a few more dates only to disappear again. I am kinda thinking they may be reading from the same pickup artist manual :)

[SherrySher]

You don't need a guy to come on super strong but dang, you don't need to be a throw back whenever either.

You gotta have some standards and not let a guy treat you like an option.

 

Well, who knows, we all have a different set of standards. I see it as you get treated how you allow and I sure wouldn't let this guy walk in and walk out as he pleased.

He doesn't barely have manners with you and get just leaves like you're an acquaintance.

 

Me personally, I'd ask and want better than that.

Geez, at least have him somewhat romantic over you and not just basically tell you.."see you later".

 

To each their own.

[pippy longstocking]

I think I am going to see things though if he doesn't fall off the face of the earth but will take things with a grain of salt. I actually went though what seems like a very similar experience with the last guy I dated. He came on super strong during the first three dates acting like he was head over heels with me (a side observer would think we were newlyweds), didn't get laid, disappeared for a few weeks and then resurfaced for a few more dates only to disappear again. I am kinda thinking they may be reading from the same pickup artist manual :)

 

well you have nothing to lose ..you arn't going to chase him and hopefully not hold your breath ..or dwell on it..just enjoy your holidays and don't let this stop your life or you christmas time ..which I don't think you will ....it has been interesting to read all the opinions on here though ..if it tells you anything it is that , no matter what forum or who it is ..we all do it our own way and have a different tolerance level.

[baffledgirl]

Well, baffledgirl, don't be surprised then if he keeps up this behavior of dumping you whenever and treating you as an option all the time.

 

While I certainly have a healthy dose of skepticism about this guy, I think he's yet to prove that he intends to treat me poorly.

 

He didn't ghost me when he decided to pursue relationship with another woman even though he knew me for a minute

He's been consistent about setting up dates and texting me afterwards to say he had a nice time and to make sure that I got back home (I know it's been only 3 dates not counting our first one but that's all the info I have to go off of)

He's been checking in regularly in the week that passed between the second and the third date

He didn't try to unhook my bra or stick his hand under my skirt when I came over to his place

 

While I may be not too happy about him not letting me know about planning to be away for so long, if he proceeds to stay in touch while at home and will plan a real date afterwards, he'd be as worthy of a contender as any other guy I've ever met on Tinder (and I'd be as skeptical about him as about any other guy I meet on Tinder).

 

This being said, in my experience any time I was doubting a guy's level of interest, he ended up disappearing on me so my expectations are low. However, since I don't jump into a guy's bed the moment I meet him I don't think I have much to lose by giving him benefit of the doubt

[baffledgirl]

it has been interesting to read all the opinions on here though ..if it tells you anything it is that , no matter what forum or who it is ..we all do it our own way and have a different tolerance level.

 

Yeah there are as many opinions as there are people. It was super helpful to read other points of view here. It will definitely help me to chill out a bit :)

[pippy longstocking]

Yeah there are as many opinions as there are people. It was super helpful to read other points of view here. It will definitely help me to chill out a bit :)

 

oh good , well that's what matters