The Dreaded "Three-Month" Not Ready For A Relationship Mind Frame

[Capricorn3]

Is this really about a "friend"? ... ;)

[katrina1980]

Is this really about a "friend"? ... ;)

 

Yes of course.

 

But don't mind your asking, I always question threads like this too -- I have this "friend." Lol

 

I've been dating my bf for eight months, and run from men who come on that strong and fast. I need a bit of "space" in my relationships; those who know me know that.

 

It's a turn off for me personally, although I was very happy for my friend and hoped that kind of "fast love" existed and hoped it worked out for her.

[Honeycomb8]

My ex last year was like this. He proclaimed a lot and showed it with actions too. Was very grandiose and we talked about serious future stuff way too soon. He invited me to weddings, he wanted me to meet his parents, he gushed about me to his friends and invited me to special dinners. Then abruptly changed his mind one day. He was the one pushing things forward and wanting to spend an obscene amount of time with me. He was the one that wanted to meet my family and all that bs. I'm normally wary about people rushing but he was so convincing and consistent. We didnt have sex, so it wasn't about that, we just emotionslly bonded lol. He's still single now but Jesus, it really was a mindfck.

 

 

I think people like this don't think before they act and don't really consider how it affects others.

[katrina1980]

Tnx for sharing HC, sorry you experienced that. And agree.

 

I forgot to mention that after she told me she broke up with him, I talked to her about "lesson learned" and when things start out so fast, they have a tendency to burn out just as fast.

 

So to maybe take it a bit slower next time?

 

Her response was "No, I am always going to go with how I feel, I felt in love with him, so went with it. If it burns out, it burns out. When it's "right" it won't. I just don't think I'm cut out for relationships.

 

Not those exact words but words to that effect.

[Starlight925]

LOL!! (Embarrassed emoji).

 

You are right, and no I am not all that familiar with Blanche Devereaux although I am somewhat familiar with Golden Girls, seen a few episodes in reruns, but not enough to know names.

 

 

LOL, no, I'm the embarrassed one, as I clearly remember "Golden Girls" in initial runs.

 

Funny enough, I'm actually older now than the oldest one on the show, at the time they made it.

 

Blanche was the "Sex and the City" Samantha character: all looks, fun, clothes, and men. Commitment? Never.

 

This is your friend. She needs excitement. She needs to be fawned over.

 

If she isn't being fawned over, it's like removing water from a plant.

 

And she needs the challenge. So while she can find a long-term guy who would worship her for a lifetime, it's not enough, as she needs the new. For her, it'll always be all about the new.

 

Which is why I brought in the "Golden Girls" reference. Blanche was a senior citizen, still always about the new, the exciting, the next man, and the next. This will be your friend.

 

Blanche went through one wrinkled gray-haired retiree after another. Your friend = Blanche.

[katrina1980]

Sadly I think you're right LG.

 

Why are you embarrassed? About your age?

 

Don't be, embrace it!

 

Age is a frame of mind.

[Honeycomb8]

I don't think she was in love. She was smitten and infatuated yes, but it's not love.

[katrina1980]

I don't think she was in love. She was smitten and infatuated yes, but it's not love.

 

True but I guess to her it "felt" like love.

[DanZee]

DZ, she is 35.

 

Well, by now, that sounds like a lifestyle choice, although there is a friend of our family who was with a different man every year, and admitted to sleeping with two different boyfriends in a single day. She decided she wanted to be married and start a family, and the next guy in her life, she married and had a couple of children. (He was a very nice guy, by the way,) But our family friend did have relationships lasting about a year, not just three months. Still, you never know, and if your friend wants to be married, she can certain make that happen if she wants. Or she can continue to be a swinging single.

[katrina1980]

You are right DZ! You never know.

 

Another thing I just remembered, is that when they first started dating, and she was professing how much she "loved" him and was gonna marry him, I asked her if it was difficult giving up Tinder and the other apps and all the attention from other guys, and she kept saying "no, I am ready, I've been ready for a long time, I've been waiting for this, I'm ready"!

 

But now, after three months, she's suddenly not ready!!

 

I feel bad for her ex!! Godonlyknows what he's feeling right now.

 

She's my friend but it's scary that people behave this way.

[Batya33]

You are right DZ! You never know.

 

Another thing I just remembered, is that when they first started dating, and she was professing how much she "loved" him and was gonna marry him, I asked her if it was difficult giving up Tinder and the other apps and all the attention from other guys, and she kept saying "no, I am ready, I've been ready for a long time, I've been waiting for this, I'm ready"!

 

But now, after three months, she's suddenly not ready!!

 

I feel bad for her ex!! Godonlyknows what he's feeling right now.

 

She's my friend but it's scary that people behave this way.

 

For me personally the only issue I'd have with her behavior is how she expressed herself about the relationship in the first few months -the first week really, right? I do like when my friends are excited about..... whatever .... but making grand statements like she did is not something I'm a fan of in friendships - and, honestly, especially to a friend who is single or having issues in a relationship and might not be in a good head space to experience all that gushing.

 

Many years ago I was dating a guy who after 3 months still wasn't "ready" to be exclusive -almost but not quite -so I was giving it another month. I had a friend -not a close friend though -who had recently started dating someone through an online site. When I shared that with her about my guy she said with that smug thing "oh my guy closed the deal within a month of dating" (meaning he asked her to be exclusive). They married. I lost touch with her soon after once she started sending emails pretending to be friendly but really trying to sell makeup. Anyway I recently heard they got divorced. No idea why but yes my first thought was about how she gushed, how she compared (now I know your friend didn't do the comparison thing -good - just saying that it's hard to be happy for someone who behaves that way about her relationships).

 

 

I think she was enjoying living in her infatuation bubble and dreaming about the future. It's easy to just know in that context, where you have known your pairs of socks (in my case, all my mismatched socks, sigh) for far longer than the guy in question.

[ThatwasThen]

I think your friend is confusing lust and infatuation (which she would have been in at the beginning) with love. New relationship energy which is mostly made up of lust and infatuation wanes quickly for some ~ perhaps even at the three month mark. (?)

[katrina1980]

@B, I hear ya but honestly, I didn't mind her "gushing" at all, I was actually super happy for her!

 

She is a relatively new friend, but during this year, we've become close.

 

I never felt like she was bragging or anything like that; I am in a relationship too (I'm not a 'gusher' never have been) but even if I weren't, I would still be happy for her.

 

And I am sincerely sad (and a bit disheartened) this did not work out, her Tinder life was crazy, and she has a son to think about too.

 

Oh well, it's her life. She has a huge heart, just want her to be happy as I do all my friends.

[katrina1980]

I think your friend is confusing lust and infatuation (which she would have been in at the beginning) with love. New relationship energy which is mostly made up of lust and infatuation wanes quickly for some ~ perhaps even at the three month mark. (?)

 

Yeah agree, posted earlier she "felt" like it was love, to her.

 

Sadly, don't think she has ever experienced what real love is, so latched on to this for dear life.

 

Only to have it crash and burn.

 

She's in therapy so hopefully her therapist will help her work though all these changing and conflicting emotions!

[bluecastle]

Intersting discussion on here.

 

So, my feeling with your friend, with these types: People who talk the big stuff early—love, marriage, future—are not being insincere. Trouble is, what's exciting them is the way THEY feel far more than the person triggering those feelings. It's a bit masturbatory, a bit like being able to look in the mirror and only see the shiniest version of yourself reflected back. It's vanity delivered in the cloak of connection.

 

Because the person, after all, is really just a mystery, even if you're having deep life talks and rolling around naked.

 

It kind of gets at the difference between infatuation and love; to me, love is essentially infatuation that proves itself sustainable. I think back to one of my best relationships. The spark was immediate, as were the unclothed life talks. We got swept up in each other in all the gauzy ways. But we were in no rush to put a label on any of those feelings. We each just kind of sat with them, and with each other, as if we both knew the winds of life and lust could cause them to evaporate in a flash.

 

I told her I loved her after 8-9 months, and yet the feeling I was describing wasn't that different than on day two—save for the fact that it had proved sustainable, as we revealed more to one another, as the drug wore down and the other person came clearer into focus, as we realized we were pretty solid against those winds. It was more selfless than selfish at that point.

 

With no disrespect to your friend, K, I think her understanding of love is juvenile, selfish, vaguely escapist; it's the way I fell in love freshman year of high school.

 

I dated someone like this over the summer—and, heck, maybe I'm intwined with one now in a way that got past my defenses. But over the summer I shared an amazing three days with someone—indisputably amazing woman, but when I say "amazing" I'm of course referring to how I felt: cloud 9, ego inflamed, mind and body sated, oxytocin and dopamine flooding the system.

 

For me, that space is easy to hold in a kind of observational state: fun, compelling—but let's see where it goes. For her, it seemed like it triggered anxiety that she wanted to quell with the big words. Which just alienated me. I felt like even when she described her feelings for me she was just talking about herself, using me as a bullhorn. My ego was flattered, but my heart had an eyebrow raised.

 

It is a bit scary, sure. To me, when you describe your friend, it's scary because it speaks to a lot of insecurity, to a focus on the surface and the fear of what's below. Like, has she evolved since freshman year? Your friend kind of had a three month long Tinder date, in ways, because the moment it got a little less than fantastical was the moment she, well, re-downloaded Tinder.

 

I don't even mean that to be smug. It just seems like an unwillingness to go a little deeper, to reveal more. I have to wonder: Is this friend caught up in appearances?

[Batya33]

@B, I hear ya but honestly, I didn't mind her "gushing" at all, I was actually super happy for her!

 

She is a relatively new friend, but during this year, we've become close.

 

I never felt like she was bragging or anything like that; I am in a relationship too (I'm not a 'gusher' never have been) but even if I weren't, I would still be happy for her.

 

And I am sincerely sad (and a bit disheartened) this did not work out, her Tinder life was crazy, and she has a son to think about too.

 

Oh well, it's her life. She has a huge heart, just want her to be happy as I do all my friends.

 

By gushing I mean making those grand pronouncements about her insta/speed of light relationship like a teenager.

[katrina1980]

By gushing I mean making those grand pronouncements about her insta/speed of light relationship like a teenager.

 

Yeah I know what you meant B, but appreciate the clarification.

 

I didn't interpret as her behaving like a teenager, just her nature, if you knew her you'd understand why I say that.

 

She was on an "infatuation high", that's all, and very expressive. That's how I took it.

 

Heck, I never "gushed" like that even when I was a teenager! It's just not my nature.

[katrina1980]

Intersting discussion on here.

 

So, my feeling with your friend, with these types: People who talk the big stuff early—love, marriage, future—are not being insincere. Trouble is, what's exciting them is the way THEY feel far more than the person triggering those feelings. It's a bit masturbatory, a bit like being able to look in the mirror and only see the shiniest version of yourself reflected back. It's vanity delivered in the cloak of connection.

 

Because the person, after all, is really just a mystery, even if you're having deep life talks and rolling around naked.

 

It kind of gets at the difference between infatuation and love; to me, love is essentially infatuation that proves itself sustainable. I think back to one of my best relationships. The spark was immediate, as were the unclothed life talks. We got swept up in each other in all the gauzy ways. But we were in no rush to put a label on any of those feelings. We each just kind of sat with them, and with each other, as if we both knew the winds of life and lust could cause them to evaporate in a flash.

 

I told her I loved her after 8-9 months, and yet the feeling I was describing wasn't that different than on day two—save for the fact that it had proved sustainable, as we revealed more to one another, as the drug wore down and the other person came clearer into focus, as we realized we were pretty solid against those winds. It was more selfless than selfish at that point.

 

With no disrespect to your friend, K, I think her understanding of love is juvenile, selfish, vaguely escapist; it's the way I fell in love freshman year of high school.

 

I dated someone like this over the summer—and, heck, maybe I'm intwined with one now in a way that got past my defenses. But over the summer I shared an amazing three days with someone—indisputably amazing woman, but when I say "amazing" I'm of course referring to how I felt: cloud 9, ego inflamed, mind and body sated, oxytocin and dopamine flooding the system.

 

For me, that space is easy to hold in a kind of observational state: fun, compelling—but let's see where it goes. For her, it seemed like it triggered anxiety that she wanted to quell with the big words. Which just alienated me. I felt like even when she described her feelings for me she was just talking about herself, using me as a bullhorn. My ego was flattered, but my heart had an eyebrow raised.

 

It is a bit scary, sure. To me, when you describe your friend, it's scary because it speaks to a lot of insecurity, to a focus on the surface and the fear of what's below. Like, has she evolved since freshman year? Your friend kind of had a three month long Tinder date, in ways, because the moment it got a little less than fantastical was the moment she, well, re-downloaded Tinder.

 

I don't even mean that to be smug. It just seems like an unwillingness to go a little deeper, to reveal more. I have to wonder: Is this friend caught up in appearances?

 

Agree with this entire post! Tnx bc.

 

As I said, she's in therapy so hopefully she will work through all this with her therapist.

[Jellybean9]

Maybe she got so carried away because of the "real life meeting" as opposed to online dating.

 

It is a beautiful way they met and makes for a better story at the wedding reception than "we met on tinder" or whatever online dating platform see uses.

 

So because it was a real life setting things must have felt "more real". I don't know... But could explain the fast pace unlike the online dating life before.

 

Like you said it was all happening incredibly fast. So that would scare quiet a few people off. Espicially someone who was such a free spirit before.

 

Like you said we have seen it many a times the other way around. Heck it's the reason I came to this forum myself.

 

The question is do you think she will regret her choice?

 

We have also seen many dumpers reach out to exes when they realise they may I have made a mistake.

[Batya33]

Agree with this entire post! Tnx bc.

 

As I said, she's in therapy so hopefully she will work through all this with her therapist.

 

Yes, and I was busy last night but wanted to add I think you're a really great friend to her.

[bluecastle]

Yes, and I was busy last night but wanted to add I think you're a really great friend to her.

 

Seconding this.

[katrina1980]

Yes, and I was busy last night but wanted to add I think you're a really great friend to her.

 

Hi guys, I'm updating this thread cause lots of things have happened and not quite sure how great a friend I really am or even if I want to be a friend to her anymore.

 

Anyway, here goes. She and her bf ended up getting back together, and things seemed really good for awhile. They've had ups and down for sure, mostly with my friend as she's not adjusting well to being in a committed relationship, and him being older and totally ready for it.

 

But they've been talking and working it out, I thought she was happy for the most part.

 

Well, a few days ago (and this is what she told me), an old boyfriend whom she was madly in love with (and whom I think she still is) but who has serious commitment issues, popped up again after a few months no contact (his usual MO), and wanted to see her.

 

So she went over to his house to see him!! She lied to her boyfriend and told him she was with a girlfriend. Flat out lie.

 

She told me he wanted to have sex; at first she told me she didn't but I know her, I know how she feels about this guy so I called her out on it after which she admitted to having sex with him!

 

Then last night when she was with her boyfriend, this guy called her, his name popped up on her phone while her bf was sitting next to her. She didn't answer, but her bf kept grilling her about who it was -- she ended up telling him just an old friend.

 

So in short, she cheated but what's more concerning (not that cheating isn't concerning it IS!!) is that she's not over this old bf who has commitment issues and keeps popping in and out of her life and whenever he does, she simply cannot refuse him.

 

She "inadvertently" left something at his house too; she did same thing last time she went to see him before she started dating her boyfriend -- I think it may have been some sort of Freudian thing so she can go back.

 

Anyway, the reason for telling you all this is I am not sure I can be friends with her after this. Is this wrong? I've never encountered this before with any of my friends, so not sure what the right thing to do is.

 

All I know is how I feel which is a bit disgusted and I also feel I have lost respect for her, so not quite sure if continuing the friendship is going to work for me.

 

She's not a long time friend from childhood or anything, we became friends early-mid last year.

 

I'd appreciate your thoughts cause it's not like me to just dump friends, but honestly her behavior goes to lack of character and integrity, imo and I can't see maintaining a friendship with someone like that.

 

Help!!

 

Tnx guys.

[mustlovedogs]

I think it’s fine to cut ties with someone for any reason, but I think this reason is especially valid.

[katrina1980]

I think it’s fine to cut ties with someone for any reason, but I think this reason is especially valid.

 

Thanks MLD, you're right it's just hard.

 

I was thinking of backing away slowly and then if she asks simply telling her I can't accept how she chooses to live her life and conduct relationships? I feel like I'm judging which I know is wrong, but is that so bad under the circumstances?

 

With many of my friends, we just grew apart or they moved away, or I did and it was a gradual process, although we still kept (keep) in touch from time to time.

 

For example, I still have a good friend with whom I've been friends since third grade, we don't talk much (she's back east while I'm in the west) but when we do it's like no time passed and still consider each other friends.

 

I also have two good friends from high school, same sort of thing.

 

So just flat out dumping someone who was once a friend is not something I typically do, so it's hard.

[mustlovedogs]

I would just slowly fade. And if she brings up this guy thing, I think it’s fair to say you don’t really want to talk about it. Maybe she’ll get the hint?