Dilemma in relationship due to realistic issues

[sorrowmellow]

Hi all, first time posting here. I don't like to type too long a post as it will bore people and lose the point. So here goes:

 

Both of us are 23 this year. Both of us are working.

 

1) She is very debt-ridden. She is solely responsible for her family's monthly bills, has to pay for her debts such as loans and credit cards that she mistakenly raked up in the past due to excessive spending. She only has about US$150 to live by every month, with the remaining US$2500 to pay all the relevant bills and payments.

 

2) She smokes a lot. Nearly to more than a pack every day. Everybody would know how much damage that will do to her health in the long-term, from health in general to even fertility issues. However, partly this is due to the stress she is facing on a daily basis.

 

3) We have many differences. I am a guy who puts priority into building me and my future family's future, so I am very particular about spending my money. In simpler terms, I yearn to be financially stable while she is extremely financially unstable now. We argue and fight often about how our opinions differ and neither one of us are willing to budge as we believe we are correct. I can't seem to offer the emotional support that she needs of me. But that is not to say I don't provide any, it's just that the kind of support is not what she is looking for.

 

My point, as cruel as it may seem, is should I be looking for another girl who can actually be a better suited partner for me and my aspirations? We are still in love but sometimes, even both of us admit some things in life have to be looked at from a realistic point of view.

 

Thank you for reading this and thanks in advance.

[journeynow]

Right now it sounds like you are world's apart on some major issues, financial and emotional. Put it this way: if you lived on opposites sides of the world, would this relationship work for you? While the distance between you two isn't actually physical, the examples you shared create a similar divide. Love does not guarantee compatibility. It's not wrong to want both.

[Wiseman2]

How long have you been dating? Yes, it's better to realize how incompatible you are rather than chronically arguing or trying to change her.

should I be looking for another girl who can actually be a better suited partner for me and my aspirations?

[boltnrun]

Are you willing to change into someone who spends frivolously?

 

It's equally unrealistic to expect her to change into someone who budgets and is fiscally frugal.

 

If either of you has to change in order for you to be right for one another...you're wrong for one another.

[sorrowmellow]

Thank you for the advice. I would say we wouldn't work if we lived far away from each other. But does love eliminate or take away some of the need for compatibility?

[sorrowmellow]

We have been dating for nearly two years now. We have been constantly saying that we want to try to change but somehow, it always goes back to square one.

 

She has long stopped her habit of spending frivolously but is, well, paying back for it literally now. So are you suggesting perhaps I could be looking for one who shares similar aspirations? But I also see that this is difficult since it's near impossible to find someone who has the exact same thinking as one does.

[thisisrichey]

in short.. yes. you are not compatible. too many "big items' where you differ and how you want to live.

this will catch up with you eventually.

might as well break it off now and find somebody more in line with your beliefs and practices.

[Wiseman2]

The two of you have very divergent thinking. Is this your first gf? Unless you date other people who you share more in common with, you'll never know.

I also see that this is difficult since it's near impossible to find someone who has the exact same thinking as one does.

[melancholy123]

I think you should break it off with her as you two are far too different regarding goals and the way you conduct your lives. Love doesnt conquer all, there has to be agreement on the big things in life and money certainly is one of those.

 

If this lady truly wants to save some money she'd do whatever it takes to stop smoking, that's money down the drain, never mind what it does to your health.

[Hollyj]

You are not compatible. Major differences. This is who she is. Also, her family is not going away.

[abitbroken]

We have been dating for nearly two years now. We have been constantly saying that we want to try to change but somehow, it always goes back to square one.

 

She has long stopped her habit of spending frivolously but is, well, paying back for it literally now. So are you suggesting perhaps I could be looking for one who shares similar aspirations? But I also see that this is difficult since it's near impossible to find someone who has the exact same thinking as one does.

 

young people make mistakes and change. If she is very frugal now and her wild spending was before you met -- i would not hold it against her. you probably did some stupid things too -- maybe just not financially. The problem for me was that she is smoking. That is throwing her health and her money away. The other issue is the family. Does she pay her family's bills because she is the legal guardian of a younger sibling and has a severely disabled parent? Or is she related to a bunch of moochers? If she is the former, then i think that his an outstanding young lady and the conversation might need to be what happens to that in the future , but if her family are a bunch of moochers and users then its not going to work out in the long run.

[abitbroken]

But I also see that this is difficult since it's near impossible to find someone who has the exact same thinking as one does.

 

You will particularly as you get older (or it could be her when she gets out of the debt if she can quit smoking). Not everyone is taught to save, etc, based on what family they came from and it takes longer in life to figure it out. But it might be time to move on. If the debt was the only thing -- and she was not a smoker )or quit to save money) and wasn't paying everything for her relatives, then i would say give it a chance.

[sorrowmellow]

Her smoking is due to the stress of having to deal with all these all alone. Her younger sister is working to earn her university expenses, while her father is visiting her grandma daily that he no longer has time to work. His work does not earn a lot either. Her mum sometimes works but I'm not too sure of her situation exactly.

 

To make things even worse, part of the family bills includes her uncle's telephone bill and her grandma's hospital bill. I can accept the latter but the former doesn't make sense to me since he's a bum from what I know.

 

I have had this conversation with her before but she say she cannot throw her family away. Which is why I'm really honestly worried our lives, should we get married and have a family, might be affected

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately, you mentioned this and she's right. She's sticking with her values as a family and not bending to yours. In this case it would be ok to break up because you can not agree on what is important.

I have had this conversation with her before but she say she cannot throw her family away.

[abitbroken]

Her smoking is due to the stress of having to deal with all these all alone. Her younger sister is working to earn her university expenses, while her father is visiting her grandma daily that he no longer has time to work. His work does not earn a lot either. Her mum sometimes works but I'm not too sure of her situation exactly.

 

To make things even worse, part of the family bills includes her uncle's telephone bill and her grandma's hospital bill. I can accept the latter but the former doesn't make sense to me since he's a bum from what I know.

 

I have had this conversation with her before but she say she cannot throw her family away. Which is why I'm really honestly worried our lives, should we get married and have a family, might be affected

 

Yes, the uncle's bill is something she should not be paying. I can see chipping in on house bills because she lives there - for sure -- but she should not be the breadwinner at 23 when there are 2 grown adults in the house besides her. i can see everyone needing to be "all in" equally if the family is very low income. But Grandma and Uncle should be something the parents handle or figure out and not their kids.

[Hollyj]

You will be supporting the lazy family. Either you are up for it, or not.

 

Why is the father visiting the grandmother? Why can't the grandmother live with them? The mother doesn't work she can watch the grandmother.

[abitbroken]

So when it boils down to it, the REAL problem is not building savings --- because she is someone who made a mistake and now sees the light and is capable of change -- that's just a "cover" issue - the real issue is family boundaries.

[Hollyj]

You should also stop excusing the smoking. Everyone has stress.

[DanZee]

I have a different take on things. If you're arguing about things constantly, you're not compatible. Simple as that. And if you keep arguing over the same things, that's even worse. It's like a broke record. Or a broken relationship.

[journeynow]

Thank you for the advice. I would say we wouldn't work if we lived far away from each other. But does love eliminate or take away some of the need for compatibility?

 

Well, does love eliminate or take away some of the need to live on the same side of the world? No, not really. It doesn't mean the love isn't real, but the logistics of making it work as a satisfying relationship aren't really there. It isn't an easy choice for you to be making, but it won't get any easier.

[catfeeder]

Thank you for the advice. I would say we wouldn't work if we lived far away from each other. But does love eliminate or take away some of the need for compatibility?

 

Not in my book. Some people are best loved from far away. You're young, and you may find love with someone who is more compatible, or you may find that leaving this young woman alone to work out her own family, finance and smoking issues could land you both meeting on higher ground in the future. But sticking around to fight with her only prompts her to dig in her heels and defend what she might otherwise let go of on her own. That doesn't sell her on changing her ways, it only embeds her deeper in them.

[nutbrownhare]

But does love eliminate or take away some of the need for compatibility?

 

The kind of infatuated romantic love which makes new relationships such a joy cannot last. It just can't!

 

Once the honeymoon stage is over, then you can start a relationship based on more realistic foundations - and shared values is an absolutely crucial one. By that I mean attitudes towards issues such as fidelity, personal responsibility and finances, and it sounds as though a relationship with this unfortunate young lady would be heading for disaster. Anyone with a committed relationship would quickly find themselves subsidising the rest of her family, and if you want to have a long term relationship with someone where you had a future together, she is not the one - no matter how wonderful she might be in many respects.

[Jennifer2018]

We have been dating for nearly two years now. We have been constantly saying that we want to try to change but somehow, it always goes back to square one.

 

She has long stopped her habit of spending frivolously but is, well, paying back for it literally now. So are you suggesting perhaps I could be looking for one who shares similar aspirations? But I also see that this is difficult since it's near impossible to find someone who has the exact same thinking as one does.

 

 

People dont change, when it comes to spending habits. As soon as the debit is cleared, she will go back to spending.

Ask yourself, can you life with that for the rest of your life? you will never have a savings, and she may be helping her family out for years to come.

I have a friend that married a spender... but he knew thats what she was..

[abitbroken]

People dont change, when it comes to spending habits. As soon as the debit is cleared, she will go back to spending.

Ask yourself, can you life with that for the rest of your life? you will never have a savings, and she may be helping her family out for years to come.

I have a friend that married a spender... but he knew thats what she was..

 

People *do* make mistakes and change from them.

But they have to want to.

When her debt is cleared, it could very well be that she learned her lesson (Because she didn't just walk away and declare bankruptcy or default on everything speaks to that she is paying back everything. If the former were the case, I would say she will never change). Living off $150 per month reinforces it every month.

 

What I would worry about in regards to spending is her lack of boundaries with family. (If the parents decided to pay the Uncle's bill, its their thing or Grandma's thing, not hers, etc) Something like that is harder to crack and it would take a lot of gumption on her part to put her foot down on it. And she is not interested in even trying. And that's the crux of it.

[Jellybean9]

One of boyfriend was in 3,000 pounds worth of debt.

 

I hadn't known this at the time. Was something that came to light 4 months into the relationship. I didn't think much of it as we all make mistakes and learn from them.

 

2 years down the line... Did he learn? No!

 

He had been paying it off. But had also been spending like crazy doing things with friends ect. While I was making "cheap dates" and paying for dinners for him. All that jazz. He became a financial burden!

 

We eventually broke up as I couldn't "support" him anymore. As I ended up finding out he has started using his credit card again. By the time I left he owed our 5k.

 

Like you I am very particular with my money. I'm saving for my future! Being with him I wasn't able to do that. I wasted a lot of money behind him.

 

Please do not do that to yourself!

 

You are not compatible. She is a spender! People like that never really learn.

 

Should you find someone else? Totally! This person is someone you can possibly plan a future with.

 

It will hurt to end it to begin with. It hurt for me to walk away from my boyfriend at the time. Guess what... Does not hurt now. I feel so much better for it.

 

Last I heard he is still in debt... In the same situation I left him in. If I had stayed I would have had to deal with that too.