My boyfriend changed his mind about us living together

[CrimsonRose]

I really appreciate everyone’s advice. This subject has weighed heavily on my mind for a few months now and has been difficult to cope with. Talking to people really helps and everyone’s advice was helpful. Thank you again.

[j.man]

Likewise not understanding the agreement and justification to be financially dependent on him while simultaneously floating the alternative of renting your own place.

[CrimsonRose]

It’s okay to not agree with it, but try to understand that it is not a permanent situation, and rather than waiting until I have graduated from College and find a stable full time job he would like to see me move in sooner. While not as common as it used to be, there are still men who support their girlfriends and souses financially. And like I said, it’s temporary.

[Batya33]

It’s okay to not agree with it, but try to understand that it is not a permanent situation, and rather than waiting until I have graduated from College and find a stable full time job he would like to see me move in sooner. While not as common as it used to be, there are still men who support their girlfriends and souses financially. And like I said, it’s temporary.

 

Spouse is different because there is a marriage (or if you are domestic partners or some other legal arrangement). There are people who support their partners financially for many reasons - men and women -sometimes temporarily, sometimes longer. Make sure with him what his expectations are -how much money, how much time, etc. and what household responsibilities does he expect you to take on if he does this for you- all the nitty gritty details. Is it a loan or a gift?

[Annia]

Wouldn't it be smarter to move in with him only after you've graduated and have a full-time job? Why the rush? You haven't dated for that long. I'd relax and get my life together first.

 

But it's great you have the conversation with him and now have a place.

[j.man]

Agreed. Spouses are different. In this case, why would you want to volunteer for such a discrepancy? To be financially supported by him? Are you confident you could bring $1000/mo. or whatever half rent you'd otherwise pay in value cooking and cleaning? I think a lot of people tend to overvalue contributions to the home, especially a smaller one. You're almost invariably setting yourself up for resentment. Even not limiting it to marriages, you're not the mother of his child. There is no comparable shared responsibility that you're shouldering the bulk of. He offers to house you rent free for a year, your response should be at the very least to respectfully decline and contribute what you can reasonably afford at the beginning of each month.

 

Again, while there's no such thing as truly equal, it's definitely not a dynamic you should be actively pursuing.

[katrina1980]

Guys, why are you questioning/criticizing a situation that her boyfriend is obviously comfortable with? And happy to do?

 

HE was the one who proposed she pay no rent until she's done with school. So clearly its somethimg he wants to do, and if he can afford, who cares? It's their relationship.

 

If it works for them, who is anyone else to question, criticize or judge?

 

She can reciprocate, if not monetarily, then in other ways. Ways that work for both.

 

What am I missing? I'm open.

[mustlovedogs]

Guys, why are you questioning/criticizing a situation that her boyfriend is obviously comfortable with? And happy to do?

 

HE was the one who proposed she pay no rent until she's done with school. So clearly its somethimg he wants to do, and if he can afford, who cares? It's their relationship.

 

If it works for them, who is anyone else to question, criticize or judge?

 

She can reciprocate, if not monetarily, then in other ways. Ways that work for both.

 

What am I missing? I'm open.

 

Well clearly that he’s not exactly comfortable with it.

 

Otherwise he wouldn’t have called it off.

 

We don’t know all the reasons he called it off but money may have been part of it. So I think it’s reasonable for people to ask why she wants to move in before she can contribute.

[j.man]

Because what someone wants to do and what someone wants once they're doing it are often two very different things. This guy has changed his mind without even getting that far, so it stands to reason it may be smart to not put a tremendous stake in his word holding up in the moment. When it comes to uprooting your life and establishing dependence on someone else, you most certainly should be employing the precaution and agency expected of any grown and self respecting adult. OP is free to make whatever life decisions she wants to. Obviously. But it would be grossly irresponsible to advise she knowingly and unnecessarily position herself within such a potentially compromising dynamic.

[katrina1980]

Well clearly that he’s not exactly comfortable with it.

 

Otherwise he wouldn’t have called it off.

 

We don’t know all the reasons he called it off but money may have been part of it. So I think it’s reasonable for people to ask why she wants to move in before she can contribute.

 

His discomfort about moving in does not appear to have anything to do with money, again HE was the one who proposed she pay no rent until done with school.

 

And she still won't be done with school in March, the timeline he gave her for moving in.

 

So if anything is clear, or more clear, it's that he does not have an issue paying. And IF he does have an issue with it, would not he have mentioned that and discussed?

 

Which isn't even the point.

 

It's their relationship!

 

Your imposing your own ethical/moral standards and judgment into another couple's relationship .

 

There is no right or wrong here, it's what works or doesn't work for them.

[mustlovedogs]

His discomfort about moving in does not appear to have anything to do with money, again HE was the one who proposed she pay no rent until done with school.

 

And she still won't be done with school in March, the timeline he gave her for moving in.

 

So if anything is clear, or more clear, it's that he does not have an issue paying. And IF he does have an issue with it, would not he have mentioned that and duscussed?

 

Which isn't even the point.

 

It's their relationship!

 

Your imposing your own ethical/moral standards and judgment into another couple's relationship .

 

There is no right or wrong here, it's what works or doesn't work for them.

 

No need for the aggression. I never advocated for her paying. But read j.man’s post above - if she were smart, she would be in a place where she COULD pay, in case this falls apart.

 

Not to mention, your reasoning has a little flaw.

 

It was his idea to move in.

 

It was his idea for her to not pay.

 

He called off moving in together, so who’s to say the not paying thing is still ok? You don’t know his inner thoughts anymore than the rest of us do.

 

I’ll believe March when I see it. I bet he’s waiting for her to graduate.

[CrimsonRose]

He didn’t call off the move for financial reasons. I don’t know where any of you got that from. He said it was too soon for him. He’s actually told me he would prefer it if down the line when we have children that I be a stay at home Mom for the first few years of our children’s lives so I can be there for them, and then work part time at most if I want to. Money is not an issue for him. You can agree or disagree with that, that’s fine, but don’t put words in my mouth.

[CrimsonRose]

Katrina1980 thank you for understanding my situation.

[DanZee]

You know, I've been following the thread and I just get the feeling that there's something else going on here. It's kind of strange that when you move in with him he wants to treat you more like a roommate rather than as a girlfriend or fiancee by having you pay rent after you graduate. It sounds like you moving there just makes it more convenient for him to have a relationship than to actually be moving the relationship forward. It's not like you're moving to a bigger apartment or that he's moving a paying roommate out so he needs the rent. He's actually going to make money off of you. What a deal!

 

Also, with the 9-year age difference, I wonder if he's leading you on, taking advantage of your young, romantic notions while he's a bit more cynical in his desires. (Free sex and an extra $1000 a month!) Sure everyone wants to get married and maybe have kids, but is this just a general wish or is he really all in on getting married and having kids with you?

 

I just wonder if you're just settling for this guy, being squirreled away 1 1/2 hours away from home, when maybe you should be out having fun with people your own age. And getting out of school and getting a job is going to be a great new experience for you and maybe you shouldn't be bogged down with a guy who just seems to have put you in a holding pattern relationship-wise.

 

So I would just offer you that advice. Ask yourself is he really serious on you or is he just making things more convenient for himself.

[mustlovedogs]

He didn’t call off the move for financial reasons. I don’t know where any of you got that from. He said it was too soon for him. He’s actually told me he would prefer it if down the line when we have children that I be a stay at home Mom for the first few years of our children’s lives so I can be there for them, and then work part time at most if I want to. Money is not an issue for him. You can agree or disagree with that, that’s fine, but don’t put words in my mouth.

 

I never said you said it.

 

I said who knows if that’s a factor. He may not be saying that part.

 

And regardless if it isn’t a factor -

 

You should not move and not be able to support yourself at least somewhat. In case your relationship ends.

[Batya33]

He didn’t call off the move for financial reasons. I don’t know where any of you got that from. He said it was too soon for him. He’s actually told me he would prefer it if down the line when we have children that I be a stay at home Mom for the first few years of our children’s lives so I can be there for them, and then work part time at most if I want to. Money is not an issue for him. You can agree or disagree with that, that’s fine, but don’t put words in my mouth.

 

Does that work for you? What is your purpose in getting a college degree? I was a full time mom for 7 years but starting in my early 40s after working for almost 20 years. I know of many women who work very briefly if at all before becoming full time mothers. They then have no savings or owe $ (meaning college or grad school loans) and are totally dependent on their husbands as the sole provider- with no assets of their own and few marketable skills should the need arise to make/contribute to the family income. Also you'd be relocating. I did too when we got married and it definitely made it harder to find a job when I returned to work after the 7 years. I hope you have people you can talk to honestly and directly about a situation where you'd be relocating, 100% financially dependent on a boyfriend, and behind the eight ball as far as building up a financial nest egg. I realize you would work for a few years before getting married/having kids but he is older than you and likely would not want to wait that long, right? I urge you to start now in giving serious thought to all these issues.

[katrina1980]

Didn't mean to come off aggressive, more assertive perhaps as I don't understand the judgment, not from you necessarily MLD but some others.

 

When I first moved in with my ex, I was in school. I had a job but making very little, my ex was earning a quarter of a million a year at the time.

 

So he didn't require I pay rent, but I more than contributed in other ways that made him very happy. We were both happy.

 

Once I graduated and got a good well paying job, I started contributing financially, which he still did not require or tbh feel totally comfortable with.

 

We talked about it, and he said it was how he was raised, to provide.

 

It actually made him happy to provide, and I reciprocated in other ways, including financially, not rent as he wouldn't accept, but in other ways.

 

Perhaps that is why I am able to understand the OP's situation better.

 

In any event, it is still their RL, they have talked, and reached a workable compromise, which is all that matters in the grand scheme imo.

[CrimsonRose]

Well actually he just bought the house he lives in a couple months before we met. He is going to live in it four 3-4 years and then sell it, at which point he says we can pick out a house we both like. Once I find a full time job after college I will help pay rent, but until then he understands that I can’t help financially (though I can in other ways with chores, cooking and groceries). I don’t see anything wrong with the fact that he’s willing to let me move in sooner than when I find a job. We have discussed marriage and children seriously, and getting engaged after two years of dating.

[LootieTootie]

You've communicated with him your concerns and he gave you a timeframe which you are happy with...

 

I think if he does push the date back again, you need to accept that you both are not on the same page... don't dwell in to the whys, the what ifs and how come...it's unnecessary and just a big hindrance to your mental and emotional strength. In the end, only you can take care of yourself so you might as well start somewhere.

[itsallgrand]

Guys, why are you questioning/criticizing a situation that her boyfriend is obviously comfortable with? And happy to do?

 

HE was the one who proposed she pay no rent until she's done with school. So clearly its somethimg he wants to do, and if he can afford, who cares? It's their relationship.

 

If it works for them, who is anyone else to question, criticize or judge?

 

She can reciprocate, if not monetarily, then in other ways. Ways that work for both.

 

What am I missing? I'm open.

 

Someone you ( general you) may propose any kind of arrangement. Someone proposing an idea doesn't mean you have to go along with it, or that it's necessarily the wisest course for oneself.

 

I think it's fine to question. There's nothing wrong with thinking things through from multiple angles. And when it comes to someone thinking of choosing dependence on someone they are dating , I think it's smart to question that.

 

From what I understand the convo has been shelved until January. That gives her lots of time to think.

[Wiseman2]

This is not a good reason to move in with him.

living with my parents

[abitbroken]

honestly if i talked about moving in with someone (not ask them "your lease is up this month, wanna move in?") and the next day they were telling their employer and parents that they were moving in with me, that would be rushing me.

 

Honestly, i don't believe in "living together" before marriage - but if i did - i think the error here is you thought a) he wants marriage and babies b) i want marriage and babies c) he talked about moving in as a next step equals he wants marriage and babies with ME and I will move in and then we will start thinking about marriage and babies.

 

I think you should find a living situation with female roommates. It will be the same or less to live with another professional woman or grad student or something or even 2 than it would be to live with parents. And that way also a guy doesn't feel the pressure of feeling like he is upgrading you from living at mom and dad's. As you grow professionally in your job, you will be able to afford living with one roommate instead of two, or getting a studio apartment instead of roommates perhaps.

[Chris12189]

I think if you really like him you should take the plunge and move, but develop some sort of backup plan in case things go sour in the future and you are forced out on your own. Take advantage of the fact hes providing for you and save that money for a rainy day so to speak. Work hard in your career and remain independent while at the same time cultivating the relationship you have. You don't want to get into a situation where you find a career you really like where he lives and then you two breakup and you have to quit to move back home so to speak. Be optimistic but do not be careless.

[abitbroken]

I think if you really like him you should take the plunge and move, but develop some sort of backup plan in case things go sour in the future and you are forced out on your own. Take advantage of the fact hes providing for you and save that money for a rainy day so to speak. Work hard in your career and remain independent while at the same time cultivating the relationship you have. You don't want to get into a situation where you find a career you really like where he lives and then you two breakup and you have to quit to move back home so to speak. Be optimistic but do not be careless.

 

Bolded is advice you do NOT want to follow!! Do not set it up for a man to support you (of course unless you are married and home with the tiny children - which is how it should work if you are the stay at home parent or the parent working less to be available for the kids)

[Guest sarah]

On 11/4/2018 at 11:11 AM, CrimsonRose said:

Thank you for listening. Here’s the deal... I am 25 years old, a full time college student and work part time while living with my parents (rent in California is ridiculous.) My boyfriend is 34, he works in politics and lives on his own. When we had been dating for 10 months he told me he wanted me to move in with him. I was beyond thrilled that he wanted to take that step with me. He seemed really genuine. He lives an hour and 30 minutes away from me, so I started to apply for jobs in his area. One month before our set move in date he told me he changed his mind, and I was crushed. I told my family, friends and employer about my plans to move. It put so much strain on our relationship that three months later he broke up with me. He could tell I resented him and we argued a lot. One week later after talking it through we got back together, and are doing well now. I am sure I sound childish and overly dramatic, but I couldn’t help how heart broken I felt when he changed his mind after I spent months preparing for the move I was so excited about. I had never had a boyfriend commit to me in that way before, and when he basically said just kidding, it crushed me. He’s lived with previous girlfriends before, so it made me wonder if there’s something wrong with me to make him change his mind like that after making me believe it’s what he wanted for months. Do you have any advice on how to help me get past it? I still think about it frequently and I know that’s not healthy. Thank you.

Thank you for this, my boyfriend of 3 and a half years waited two weeks before moving in to tell me the same it hurt me so much. We broke up and are trying things again and nothing feels the same anymore, our bond especially.