My boyfriend changed his mind about us living together

[Batya33]

To clarify to all, I am the poster who said it's his issue. His anxiety, HIS fear.

 

Again, he was drawn to the idea of it, but when reality hit, he realized he wasn't as emotionally ready as he thought.

 

Try to not overthink this.

 

I read something powerful recently -- "sometimes the most powerful, effective and beneficial thing you can do to move things forward (in a positive way) is to take a step back."

 

The article discussed many reasons why this is beneficial, but in short, it's to gain clarity, reasses, think things through and get a clearer perspective.

 

Understanding and remaining open and flexible to change is key.

 

CR, this does not have to mean the end, and it doesn't necessarily mean he's "not on the same page" either imo.

 

That said, from here good idea to dial things back, less serious, let it play out.

 

I think it's good you are self-aware of how emotional you are, and how your emotions affect your reactions,

 

Change will never happen without such self-awareness so I see this as a positive, nothing to over-analyze, become self-critical about, or apologize for.

 

If he saw living together as taking a next step and increasing commitment -and if they both have the goal of marriage and children, now he has not only taken a step back but he is leaving it open ended -no idea when he will be ready to be more serious in any way as he apparently saw living together as getting more serious. She still wants to be more serious, she still has marriage and family as a goal and it's unclear if he still has those intentions. Until he tells her his intentions they are not on the same page. And the fact that he hasn't told her his intentions tells me that either he is not sure anymore what those are, and also not concerned about losing her now that he's told her he's not ready to be more serious. And that's because she went back to him without confirming his current intentions so he can assume she's fine with what he is offering now. Which is less serious and less future-thinking than what he offered her in the past.

[ThatwasThen]

Can you answer the question of how you were going to pay for living with him?

It's relevant information. Sometimes it's not about emotions, but practicalities.

Yes, I agree and have also highlighted that fact Op: You're still in school and only working part time. That is not a good position to be in to be moving out of your parents financial protection and I would imagine your boyfriend got thinking about that too. Their financial protection would then be his responsibility. Its always best to move in together when you are both working and are able to contribute fairly equally to expenses.

[SherrySher]

Its always best to move in together when you are both working and are able to contribute fairly equally to expenses.

 

I agree but he should have thought about that before putting it on the table. To suggest it, then say nah...after she starts making all sorts of plans, is pretty arsey. Imo.

[katrina1980]

I agree but he should have thought about that before putting it on the table. To suggest it, then say nah...after she starts making all sorts of plans, is pretty arsey. Imo.

 

I think it's arsey too, but I don't think he was intentionally being arsey. An important distinction imo.

 

Agree he should have thought it through better, of course. But perhaps he needed to face the 'reality' of it before being emotionally able to do that.

 

Not excusing it or justifying, just trying to 'understand' it which again I think is key if CR wants to move forward with him in a positive way.

[ThatwasThen]

I agree but he should have thought about that before putting it on the table. To suggest it, then say nah...after she starts making all sorts of plans, is pretty arsey. Imo.

 

Its much better to bow out of something one is not sure of (more people should do that instead of getting married when they have any kind of doubt and the divorce rate would be a lot lower). Sure its hurtful to her and her next step should be to have a discussion about mutual dating goals and if he's not wanting to advance the relationship EVER then she should just exit the relationship all together. However: to continue to be so hurt over this while she continues on in the relationship in a state of limbo is on her now.

 

Op: Have you discussed when he will be ready or have you just re-established the relationship without further discussion?

 

Also: Please use the quote function when replying so that we know who you are addressing.

[j.man]

So you say you were looking for jobs for however many months, were talking to your employer about moving, but tangibly speaking, what have you sacrificed as a result of him reneging? It's not to say you don't have cause to express being put off or disappointed, but the extent of which and to which you'd be justified in doing so I do think is largely dependent on such details. In other words, it's one thing for you to have found a job near him, quit yours, and now find yourself without an income after he decided to change the plan. It's another thing if it's for all intents and purposes business as usual.

 

And how was this date decided anyhow? Were there any parameters set? Nothing like "we'll plan for [x] amount of months out to give you a chance to find a job out here?" Just "do it and we'll wing it?"

 

It may not be cool of him, and I'll concede it's something he should have considered, especially as your senior by a decent margin, but at the end of the day, holding off on such a move until it can be incorporated as more of a partnership is likely going to be the better move.

[Batya33]

I think it's arsey too, but I don't think he was intentionally being arsey...

 

Agree he should have thought it through better, of course. But perhaps he needed to face the 'reality' of it before being emotionally able to do that.

 

Not excusing it or justifying, just trying to 'understand' it which again I think is key if CR wants to move forward with him in a positive way.

 

I did what her boyfriend did -or seemed to -by breaking an engagement right before the wedding. I had genuine and loving intentions of marrying him - 100%! -and then just as genuine doubts and anxiety and panic as it got closer. It really is an awful thing to do to another person even if you meant well to begin with. And no he didn't want another chance even when I said I could now be ready. He was smart to say no actually.

 

If she wants to move forward with him in a positive way I suggest she be 100% honest with whether she is happy with the watered down version of what they had with no definitive future plans and if she is not happy with that -if she doesn't want exactly the same thing as he is offering now then she should move forward without him and if he is ready in the future he can contact her and if she is interested and available she can consider it then. It's not fair to them for her to stay and be unhappy and probably resentful at settling for less than she wants. It will decrease the chance of them staying together for the long term. Too much negative energy.

[katrina1980]

Fair enough B, but I think her energy would be better spent being open and flexible, versus rigid and inflexible to changing nuances, which are not uncommon while moving toward commitment.

 

My long term ex experienced this same ambivalence just prior to our living together; I did not make a huge issue about it, I knew he loved me.

 

So we put it on hold and six months later he "was" emotionally prepared and ready, and we moved in. We got engaged two years later.

 

We didn't work out for other reasons; my point is what the article said, sometimes it's good (even necessary) to take a step back in order to move forward in a positive way.

 

Every situation, relationship is different and CR should look at her relationship and decide what's best for her, individually and as part of a couple, remaining true to herself while at the same time open and flexible.

 

I do agree she should dial it back, lower expectations, we agree on that.

 

JMO.

[Batya33]

Fair enough B, but I think her energy would be better spent being open and flexible, versus rigid and inflexible to changing nuances, which are not uncommon while moving toward commitment.

 

My long term ex experienced this same ambivalence just prior to our living together; I did not make a huge issue about it, I knew he loved me.

 

So we put it on hold and six months later he "was" emotionally prepared and ready, and we moved in. We got engaged two years later.

 

We didn't work out for other reasons; my point is what the article said, sometimes it's good (even necessary) to take a step back in order to move forward in a positive way.

 

Every situation, relationship is different and CR should look at her relationship and decide what's best for her, individually and as part of a couple, remaining true to herself while at the same time open and flexible.

 

I do agree she should dial it back, lower expectations, we agree on that.

 

JMO.

 

Of course, as long as he can tell her what his intentions are and what he is doing to resolve his issues. That he is still committed to being with her just postponing it. But that's not what is going on here. Right now he is getting the benefits of her love and commitment -she is not seeing other people -and not telling her what he is doing to keep moving toward their goals. If he said "I need another year, and I am going to [read books/see a counselor and/or do whatever actions] to get to the root of my doubts and fears then I would be all for her being flexible. I am not a fan of her being flexible if he's just sitting back and saying "oops, sorry, not ready but let's keep seeing each other".

 

Obviously it's individual. I am giving her my opinion on what I would do based on what he did, what he did next, and how unhappy she is and somehow thinking she is being too "emotional" about it because she is having a hard time settling for his watered down version of a relationship.

 

Of course flexibility is key in many cases. He is not being flexible, actually, He is rigidly saying "nope, changed my mind we are not moving in together" and not expressing any movement or flexibility about when that might change or what else he can offer to show her that he remains committed to the marriage and family he'd said he also wanted with her in the future. There are certain dealbreakers of course. If he now says he never wants to marry her but would enjoy continuing to date then I think she should stick to her goal of marriage with no need to be flexible and accept a long term open ended dating situation. For example.

[CrimsonRose]

When he told me he wanted me to move in I told him I will not be able to help with rent until I am graduated from college (March next year) and working a full time job. He said that was okay as long as I helped with groceries and chores around the house. We had a very long discussion about finances and what would happen once I attain a full time job. Until I graduate though, he made it clear he was okay with not requiring me to pay rent. He was very understanding of my situation.

After I posted this question this morning I decided it would be best to talk to him. I told him calmly that I need to know what is happening between us down the line, because if he doesn’t see us living together within the next 6 months, I would look for an apartment closer to him. And if he does see us living together within 6 months, I need to prepare by looking for a job in his area (again, we live 90 minutes apart). He told me he understands and that in January we can discuss things further, and he thinks March will be a good time for me to move in with him.

[katrina1980]

Disagree with your assessment B - will leave it at that.

[Batya33]

Disagree with your assessment B - will leave it at that.

 

Sure thing! I was just going with her goals that she said she had. She is young and perhaps she's changed her mind about needing to have someone with the future goal of marriage and children with her and maybe he's so awesome to be with that that will overshadow his decision not to get more serious with her. After all he was willing to walk away entirely only a few months ago. Sometimes the short term benefits are worth it and she has years to think about marriage and family. He could be her Mr. Right Now. All depends on her mindset, expectations and goals. I once dated someone for 4 months in my 30s who said I'd have to get an abortion if I got pregnant accidentally. I was so over the moon I agreed to it (although I was never sure I could have lived up to it and thank goodness never had to test that!). I totally lied to myself and agreed to a total dealbreaker because I was over the moon. That was my choice to settle for that situation because i was so over the moon. I was flexible for sure. And I regretted that decision for sure. But maybe she can be flexible and put aside her future goals and dreams -or change them - if he is that awesome to be with. People do that all the time.

[SherrySher]

Did he give you reasons as to why he said he wanted to move in and then changed his mind?

[katrina1980]

Excellent CR, you handled that just right, spoke with him about goals, remained open and flexible while remaining true to yourself.

 

Sounds like he appreciated that flexibility and in turn, gave you a definitive time to re-visit the topic and realistic timeframe to make it happen.

 

Sounds good!!

[ThatwasThen]

When he told me he wanted me to move in I told him I will not be able to help with rent until I am graduated from college (March next year) and working a full time job. He said that was okay as long as I helped with groceries and chores around the house. We had a very long discussion about finances and what would happen once I attain a full time job. Until I graduate though, he made it clear he was okay with not requiring me to pay rent. He was very understanding of my situation.

After I posted this question this morning I decided it would be best to talk to him. I told him calmly that I need to know what is happening between us down the line, because if he doesn’t see us living together within the next 6 months, I would look for an apartment closer to him. And if he does see us living together within 6 months, I need to prepare by looking for a job in his area (again, we live 90 minutes apart). He told me he understands and that in January we can discuss things further, and he thinks March will be a good time for me to move in with him.

 

... and there you go. Communication is key.

 

Are you satisfied with his answer(s), Rose? Can you let your hurt go now and just enjoy your relationship with him going forth?

[Batya33]

When he told me he wanted me to move in I told him I will not be able to help with rent until I am graduated from college (March next year) and working a full time job. He said that was okay as long as I helped with groceries and chores around the house. We had a very long discussion about finances and what would happen once I attain a full time job. Until I graduate though, he made it clear he was okay with not requiring me to pay rent. He was very understanding of my situation.

After I posted this question this morning I decided it would be best to talk to him. I told him calmly that I need to know what is happening between us down the line, because if he doesn’t see us living together within the next 6 months, I would look for an apartment closer to him. And if he does see us living together within 6 months, I need to prepare by looking for a job in his area (again, we live 90 minutes apart). He told me he understands and that in January we can discuss things further, and he thinks March will be a good time for me to move in with him.

 

That is great! Are you ok with that timeline? I am so glad you spoke to him and I wrote what I wrote before I read your update. You showed a lot of strength and courage to have that talk.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Are you the one always driving to him? Yes of course he knew you are a student when you started dating, so clearly the money thing was well known. Do not move to him. Do not become the live-in-help-with-benefits.

 

Think long and hard if he is toying with you or stringing you along. Talk to some very trusted people about this. Whenever it's always "maybe later", "maybe someday", consider that you may be missing out on your youth so he can have yet another in-and-out live-in gf.

if he doesn’t see us living together within the next 6 months, I would look for an apartment closer to him. we live 90 minutes apart. He told me he understands and that in January we can discuss things further, and he thinks March will be a good time for me to move in with him.

[CrimsonRose]

He said that in previous relationships he has always waited until they had been dating for one year before considering moving in together, and his last breakup was terrible. She moved in with him and not long afterwards they started arguing frequently. He said he still wants me to move in with him just at a later date, in March, if things are still going well of course.

[ThatwasThen]

He said that in previous relationships he has always waited until they had been dating for one year before considering moving in together, and his last breakup was terrible. She moved in with him and not long afterwards they started arguing frequently. He said he still wants me to move in with him just at a later date, in March, if things are still going well of course.

Are you happy with the discussion?

Are you now able to let go of your resentment and disappointment?

[CrimsonRose]

I am happy with that, maybe even in April or May so that after I graduate (in March) I have time to find a stable job in his area. That is if everything goes as planned of course. Spring time is a timeline I am happy with.

[CrimsonRose]

I am happy with it. He seemed to understand why I needed to have that conversation, and he reassured me that he does want to see me living with him in the near future.

[ThatwasThen]

I am happy with that, maybe even in April or May so that after I graduate (in March) I have time to find a stable job in his area. That is if everything goes as planned of course. Spring time is a timeline I am happy with.

 

Awesome! It's nice to read.

[Batya33]

Awesome! It's nice to read.

 

Second. I totally agree. You must feel so relieved.

[SherrySher]

Well, it doesn't sound too bad. I mean, he did give you a timeline. March isn't that far away to be honest and maybe you'll both be in a better place by then.

 

It sounds doable. In the meantime, enjoy dating.

[itsallgrand]

Sorry this doesn't make sense. You said you can't afford rent for a year +, then you are telling him he needs to let you know in the next six months if you'll be moving together because then you'll get an apartment closer to him if no or a job closer to him if yes?

 

It doesn't sound to me like you are ready to move in with someone. Being blunt and honest. And I can see why he sees it as pressuring. He brought up moving in together and you are off and running that this must happen now even though it makes no sense.

 

And I think at 25, it's as much up to you to use firm sense as much as emotion- really unreasonable the bf would cover you for a year plus. Especially since it's been under a year dating, you'll be out of school in a year, and you could have been like ' I love the idea of living together, but bows not a good time as I've got this last year of school then I'm available for us being on equal footing. How about we wait?'.