Why did my ex message me saying he's in town and then ignore my reply?

[reinventmyself]

You are second guessing yourself so you can make excuses for him and create a reason to put yourself on the line.

 

Do you really think, based on your response that if he was really interested he'd give up so easily?

 

You responded last. He fell silent.

Don't second guess yourself.

[katrina1980]

 

I just feel something isn't right about him saying "I'm in (my city)" and then he doesn't pursue things further when I gave a friendly reply. He should've said "can I see you" or something after my reply if he really wanted to see me. He didn't give me much of anything to work with. I don't feel my reply was showing I wasn't interested, and it made me feel that he wanted to leave the option open to hook up with me, then changed his mind.

 

kaya, serious question. How would you have felt had he said what's in bold -- asked if he could see you, told you he really wanted to see you and had a plan?

 

Would you have interpreted that to mean he's thinking about getting back together with you? Would you have started to have expectations that after you got together, you'd be seeing more of each other?

 

I think this is precisely why he didn't ask to see you. Because like I said in my previous post, he didn't want to mislead you. He was in town and wanted a one and done, and left that decision up to you. Again, absolutely nothing wrong with that, and doesn't make him a jerk.

 

I don't get why you think he thinks you are a doormat. An option, yes, doormat, no.

 

YOUR call whether or not to accept being an option. You didn't which is fabulous!

 

You're entitled to your feelings of anger or whatever other negative emotions you're experiencing, but I just think it's wasted energy.

 

Focus on yourself and the fact you had enough self-respect to NOT take the bait, and be done with him. He's just not worth it.

[Wiseman2]

Why drop everything and roll out the red carpet when he rolls into town to provide him with chauffeur services, tour guide and concierge services and a free bed and breakfast with benefits? Don't you have local guys you could date? You treat this like a LDR, he treats it like an opportunity to hookup.

I just feel something isn't right about him saying "I'm in (my city)" and then he doesn't pursue things further when I gave a friendly reply

[kaya820]

Katrina1980:

If he had said that to me yesterday, I honestly would've been so excited and gone to see him even if I felt any doubts of what his intentions were.

No I wouldn't have thought he meant to get back together, I would've thought he wants to have some fun. But I would've expected we will have this casual thing going on into the future too.

 

Maybe so many people have been warning me to not be easy, to ignore him, to keep my standards high.

[kaya820]

Wiseman2, because something about him turns me on way too much. He is very exciting to me.

And I mean, even just to hook up, I expected him to say something further.

[katrina1980]

 

Maybe so many people have been warning me to not be easy, to ignore him, to keep my standards high.

 

Unless you are only looking for a casual one and done whenever he swings into town, I agree with them!

 

Wiseman2, because something about him turns me on way too much. He is very exciting to me.

And I mean, even just to hook up, I expected him to say something further.

 

Best to keep expectations in check or better yet not have any. It's okay to hope for something, but when you start expecting things, it can only lead to disappointment, such that you're experiencing now.

[katrina1980]

Wiseman2, because something about him turns me on way too much. He is very exciting to me.

 

JMO kaya but I also think, given how much he turns you on, how exciting you think he is, etc., you are playing with fire if you believe you would be happy with only casual, being an "option" whenever he swings into town.

 

Do you honestly believe that you are capable of keeping your emotions in check like that?

 

I sure wouldn't be!!!

[DaisyMayPorter]

It’s totally ok for you to have a casual hookup, just don’t get hurt. If you really want to see him, give him a call. :-)

[kaya820]

I want to mention that I was disappointed after expecting him to reply because it was in that moment that I realised maybe he doesn't give a care about me at all, maybe he never did while he was with me, it changed my perspective of who I thought he was, for some reason that hurt. I'm doing a lot of inner work right now and I need to face this and face my emotions, there's something significant to this but I can't quite understand it.

[katrina1980]

I want to mention that I was disappointed after expecting him to reply because it was in that moment that I realised maybe he doesn't give a care about me at all, maybe he never did while he was with me, it changed my perspective of who I thought he was, for some reason that hurt. I'm doing a lot of inner work right now and I need to face this and face my emotions, there's something significant to this but I can't quite understand it.

 

I totally understand that hurt kaya; I have been where you are and think it's awesome you are taking the time to look within and introspect about all this now.

 

This happened for a reason; that reason may not be clear now, but it will be.

 

Be patient with yourself while you work through all this, clarity and understanding doesn't happen overnight.

[reinventmyself]

I want to mention that I was disappointed after expecting him to reply because it was in that moment that I realised maybe he doesn't give a care about me at all, maybe he never did while he was with me, it changed my perspective of who I thought he was, for some reason that hurt. I'm doing a lot of inner work right now and I need to face this and face my emotions, there's something significant to this but I can't quite understand it.

 

Try not to make it more complicated then it needs to be.

You are contradicting yourself some here and that's what leads feeling confused.

 

On one hand you sneak up on the idea of just having casual fling with him but in the very next post you share your emotions, the hurt, the disappointment and thinking he didn't care enough about you.

 

If you were really wanting and able to be in a casual sexual relationship with him all the above mentioned emotions would not be of an issue.

 

It get you like the guy and it's apparent that you can't be his bed buddy. It doesn't need to be some internal struggle unless you let it be one.

 

Own that and take a stand. The confusion will likely disappear.

You have different values and that's a good thing. You value your relationships and have a healthy attachment to a man when it comes to physical intimacy. Honor that.

 

The confusion is you trying to twist yourself into doing something uncomfortable for the sake of being with him.

 

Just don't.

[kaya820]

I'm not in a relationship

[kaya820]

reinventmyself Thank you so much for your words, they're so insightful.

[kaya820]

I never mentioned I have jumped from relationships. He's the ONLY guy I've committed to in a relationship this year.

[kaya820]

nutbrownhare: I somehow didn't see your first message. Thanks :) What's hard is not knowing if this is true or if he was (I'm suspicious) lying and didn't really love me, like was a player.

 

I feel for some reason that the only reason I started to move on yesterday was because I concluded that he was a player, not a good guy, and that I don't even want to be involved with that and I'm so much better than him for that. But there's also the possibility that he did genuinely like me but was lacking in being emotionally supportive.

[boltnrun]

I used to hook up with my ex, but only after I had zero feelings for him. I didn't care if he was a jerk, a lame person, whatever. I made use of his body and left. Sometimes we would have dinner first, but that was only because I was hungry. And I never got hurt or upset.

 

If you're hurt or upset, you are not in any emotional place to do casual hookups with him, no matter how "exciting " you find him.

[kaya820]

bltnrun: Noted. :/

 

Why is it that after the last time I saw him he was saying a lot that if he/ we had the money, we should've eaten together, saying he'd pay, saying that this is why he's going to the new place (for money), but now he's in my city and with money (he's finished his work) he isn't making plans. I really felt at that time that we were going to hang out again for a meal or something.

[reinventmyself]

bltnrun: Noted. :/

 

Why is it that after the last time I saw him he was saying a lot that if he/ we had the money, we should've eaten together, saying he'd pay, saying that this is why he's going to the new place (for money), but now he's in my city and with money (he's finished his work) he isn't making plans. I really felt at that time that we were going to hang out again for a meal or something.

Maybe because his new girl friend might find out. Who knows?

the lesson here is simple. When you are getting mixed messages, it's never a good sign.

Mixed messages mean - stop, do not pass go

[Honeycomb8]

He's not interested and that's why he acts the way he does.

[MissCanuck]

bltnrun: Noted. :/

 

Why is it that after the last time I saw him he was saying a lot that if he/ we had the money, we should've eaten together, saying he'd pay, saying that this is why he's going to the new place (for money), but now he's in my city and with money (he's finished his work) he isn't making plans. I really felt at that time that we were going to hang out again for a meal or something.

 

Because he doesn't want to actually date you, girl.

 

Have sex, sure. He almost surely has other options, so if you're not taking the bait (and it's great that you didn't!) he will move on the next one. You need to be more honest with yourself that you are not in any place to casually hook up with him, and it would have hurt you a lot to have had a fun night and have sex only to have him drop off the radar again the next day. You'd be here wondering why he has disappeared and kicking yourself for having given in. Trying to casually hook up with an ex when you still have feelings for him is a recipe for disaster.

 

He isn't emotionally invested the way you are, and doesn't take the vague notion of having dinner together as seriously as you do. It's a time-filler for him, something to do if he's in your area. Thus, he doesn't put much weight on whether or not you two actually see each other.

[purplepaisley]

On originally reading the post, I thought, okay ex-boyfriend, but are they trying to reconnect? Circumstances have changed and the timing is better? I mean, if that were the case, you BOTH seriously failed. When no one says anything, nothing happens. Now, YOU broke up with HIM, so I can understand him tossing out some bait and seeing if you bite. Instead of you saying, "I'd love to see you when you're in town," you said, "Oh, cool." With a response like that, my thought would be, "Hint taken. She's not interested" and I wouldn't have pursued it further. On the other side, he could have said, "I'm in town next week and would love to see you," or responded to your aloof response with "if you're free, I'd like to see you." You are both playing this cat and mouse and waiting for someone to make a move. Honestly, though, given you were the one that severed the relationship, I think you have a bigger burden to extend your interest and exert some initiative if you are interested in seeing if this relationship can work now that things seem to have settled...one would also hope you live in the same city.

 

Of course this could be no more than a "booty call" or a short fling when he comes into town, at least until either of you find yourselves in a committed relationship. If you want more, and he's after a fling when he's in town, this arrangement will hurt you a great deal. It's best to let sleeping dogs lie. It's best that you did not leap at the chance to see him. A LDR is not the best goal either. I mean, if you knew that ultimately he'd be back in town within a short period of time, it's a chance you might wish to take, but these are uncertain, so you might find yourself heartbroken when he stays where he's at or his job moves him elsewhere.

 

I don't know what his motivation was. Booty call? Potential rebuilding of a relationship? But since neither of you has expressed any outward interest to see each other, nothing happened.

[RayRay63]

Hey,

 

My ex messaged me yesterday morning saying he's in town. I replied with a casual oh cool :)

 

So, maybe in hindsight?

 

I hope other posters learn a lesson about being the cool person playing games from this.

[kaya820]

Thank you purplepaisley for your thorough response :)

 

Because I wasn't sure if he wanted just a booty call or not, that's why I didn't "take the bait" and give a super interested reply. If he had shown more interest, I would've said more than "oh cool :)". I was trying to protect myself.

[katrina1980]

Thank you purplepaisley for your thorough response :)

 

Because I wasn't sure if he wanted just a booty call or not, that's why I didn't "take the bait" and give a super interested reply. If he had shown more interest, I would've said more than "oh cool :)".

 

I was trying to protect myself.

 

Not judging cause I've done that too, what I've learned is that, sometimes, when behaving in ways to "protect myself" I end up "hurting myself."

 

He may have possibly interpreted your aloof and nonchalant "cool" as meaning you didn't give a *, which of course is not how you felt. As a result, you've spent the better part of three days wracking your brain trying to figure what his intentions were and what he wanted.

 

I dunno I am mixed on this now, but maybe next time say how you truly feel instead of hiding behind being "cool" to protect yourself.

 

Like I said, I've done that too, and while I typically don't have regrets about things I do/don't do, I regret that.

 

Take the risk of being REAL, and let chips fall where they may.

[kaya820]

I sort of agree, but I really feel that my response was appropriate given that he hadn't messaged me in nearly 4 months and that his message was a simple "I'm in (my city)" with not even a smily face emoticon. I think I was being nice by even replying. I don't see how he could've thought I wasn't interested.