I think my husband is too kinky for my vanilla tastes!!!

[Dramatically]

My husband and I have been married for 2 years and dating for 6 before that. So 8 years total. He is the love of my life and my best friend. I would be so lost without him. However....our sex life....is a complete disaster right now, and I feel like I have single handedly destroyed it and he doesn't even know it. And it's over what we each like in bed....which what I like is pure vanilla sex. I mean...I'm fine putting on a sexy costume, or some mildly kinky things. I am adventurous. My problem...is everything my husband is turned on by, I am so horribly turned off by that I just want to get it over with as soon as possible....and I feel so guilty because I know he likes it. He is very into me dominating him, and feminization. He likes when I put him in clothes, and ladies lingerie, when I do his makeup....he recently bought a wig with long hair...

 

When he first told me what he liked, I was a little wierded out, but still very accepting of him. He is so insecure about himself that I try to build his confidence. I always tell him he's attractive, sexy, and so on. And with his kinks I always try to be supportive and buy him panties and bras I think he might like. But...as this continues and get more and more involved...(first it started with just wearing my panties, which I thought was kinda hot until he started wearing my sets and dresses, then makeup, then pegging, then the last time he added the wig) I just....get more and more uncomfortable....and the bigger downside is we haven't really found an in-between that works for us...because everything I need, bores him and turns him off. The last time we had vanilla sex that I enjoy, he couldn't keep it up....and I feel like I am trying so hard to find a place to compromise but he just feels like something is wrong with him....but for me.....I just....I just can't. I don't enjoy him in a dress, calling him a sissy when he's in me....and as of right now it's been almost 3 weeks since the last time we had sex. Finally this past Tuesday he asked if we could do it when I got home from work. I was so ecstatic I said yes right away and was filled with such Joy over the fact he wanted me. Until he started texting me all the things he was looking forward to and asking me to stop at a sex shop on the way home to grab some toys....and then I just lost it.....and spent most of my day crying in the office bathroom. Because as he was telling me what he wanted I got less and less excited and just...broke. I will also say the last 3 months have been very emotionally and physically stressful on both of us, between trying to work on the sex aspect of our marriage and being open, but not hurtful (which was pretty inevitable when we both told each other what we like doesn't turn the other one on at all) and on top of that he has a very stressful job that has really taken a toll on his confidence.... probably also compared to the fact that he doesn't think he's a good lover....so he's been so depressed lately....to combat that I have gone is positive overmode to try and cheer him up. I am a good wife and take every chance I can to show him how much I love him. I write him letters. I do his laundry. I tell him sweet things I love about him throughout the day. And the last 3 months that I have really kicked it up a notch and I feel like I am giving and giving and giving so much of myself to make him happy....and for 3 weeks we've gone without sex while I plead with him to do something. ...and he finally asks. But it just requires me to give more. And I just broke. And I realized....I support his kinks and fantasies so he feels better about himself. But really...I just want to be done as soon as we start because it just disgusts me. When I picture myself intimate with my husband....I don't want to grab onto his wig....or pull up his skirt....I don't want to run my hands over his chest (that I find so sexy and such a turn on) and get stopped by the bra he wanted to wear.....ive been so torn with how I feel that I am actually sick....physocally sick....tonight we cuddled for the first time in days....and I suggested tomorrow we try doing it. And he said he would love to, he's thought of me all week. It put such a smile on my face to hear he wanted me. That he wanted to touch me. That he wanted to please me. Then he whispered in my ear "I want you inside me" ....when he fell asleep I couldn't stop crying because that is the last thing I want to hear....I felt....feel so ....used? Uncherished? Taken for granted? And of course....disgusted.....I feel like a failure as his wife because I feel this way.....I feel lost...I feel so alone. I have tried for the last week to scour the internet for something, anything to try to fix this....and I haven't found anything that wasn't love his kinks, introduce a third person so he can enjoy what he likes without me, or divorce....I feel like none of these are options. Especially divorce or a third person. Those two outcomes I think are part of what are making me physically sick. Even now as I type I have to keep going to the bathroom and probably won't get any sleep I am so sick to my stomach. But I found an article where a wife described a very similar situation as what I'm in...and all her feelings are what I feel. She was supportive...and with each piece of women's clothing or toys...she would make him happy and hate herself a little more....I love my husband. I love him so much. I just....I just don't know how to move forward from how I feel, improve our sex life and not crush him.....I just don't know what to do.

 

If you read all this, thank you because I honestly don't know what to do.

[JarlShepherd]

When did the fetish obsession start? I presume the sex was normal before you were married? How often did you have sex before you were married and how often do you have normal sex now? Also you have to decide whether this is a fetish that is escalating or a fetish that he could potentially get burned out on. Also you can try directing him to other fetishes that he might potentially enjoy more that you are also receptive to. At this point it sounds like you have nowhere to go in your sex life except up. It can only get better from here but you need to communicate what you are feeling to him. You need to let him know that you are turned on and feel satisfied when he penetrates you, not the other way around.

 

I think this is a "we'll cross that bridge when we come to it" type of situation. Don't get yourself thinking multiple steps ahead. First you need to establish communication with your husband and let him know that this is serious and that you are emotionally struggling because of his fetishes and that while you want to support him and serve him, you feel you are destroying yourself in the process. If he loves you then he will try to meet you somewhere in the middle.

[Clio]

Could it be that he is actually gay? Have you sought any professional counseling? I would seek professional support as this sounds too complicated to tackle alone.

[RedDress]

Are you sure your husband is not struggling with gender identity issues?

 

What you are describing goes far beyond “fetish” to me. It would also fit with the depression, etc,

 

I think that marriage (and perhaps individual) councilling would help.

 

As a heterosexual woman, I think it’a understandable to want to have sex with your husband as a man, and I don’t think you should feel guilty or ashamed of that. But also, I’m sure your husband can’t control his feelings or what turns him on right now.

 

I agree that these are tough waters to navigate. I think that councilling to explore all of this with someone who is qualified would be quite helpful to you both.

[DanZee]

Well, you need to tell yourself that this isn't your problem and it's nothing you've done. It's your husband's problem and I think you've just reached an impasse in your relationship. Your sex lives are no longer compatible. He no longer can get excited having "vanilla" sex and you can't fix him. He's not gay or transgendered. He has a fetish, and if you don't want to break up with him, you may need to let him find a fetishist to let him fulfill his sexual fantasies. But you know your other options. I would say you're probably headed for a divorce since he's making you so unhappy. You may want to start planning for that eventual end.

[MissCanuck]

OP, please don't feel guilty for not enjoying this. Just as your husband can't control his distaste for "vanilla" sex, you can't control your distaste for the type of sex that he likes. There is a serious incompatibility here, but neither of you is necessarily wrong in your desires. They're just so completely different as to drive a wedge into your intimacy, and ultimately, into your marriage.

 

When did you first become aware of his preferences? I am guessing this is not an entirely new development, and that you've had hints of it along the way even before you married him - correct?

 

I have to echo the others that there is likely much more going on than a specific fetish. I would be wondering if he's struggling with hiding or accepting who he truly is, which as Red Dress rightly points out, could certainly be contributing to his depression and stress. I would strongly encourage you two to seek marital counseling. You are dealing with a very delicate subject and I suspect there is a lot going on internally with your husband too, which is beginning to manifest in the bedroom.

[Tinydance]

Well, you need to tell yourself that this isn't your problem and it's nothing you've done. It's your husband's problem and I think you've just reached an impasse in your relationship. Your sex lives are no longer compatible. He no longer can get excited having "vanilla" sex and you can't fix him. He's not gay or transgendered. He has a fetish, and if you don't want to break up with him, you may need to let him find a fetishist to let him fulfill his sexual fantasies. But you know your other options. I would say you're probably headed for a divorce since he's making you so unhappy. You may want to start planning for that eventual end.

 

Well, I actually have to disagree with the "he's not gay or transgendered" comment. I mean, he may or may not be, we just really don't know...I think a lot more information is needed. How long has he been into these fetishes? Did you know about these fetishes before OP?

 

I think that sexuality and gender identity can be quite complex and people can also like very different things in bed, so it's just difficult to know what's going on with your husband. I'm a bisexual woman myself and have been in the GLBTIQ community a lpng time. I also have a fair few transgender friends.

 

I think in *some* cases when a male can only get turned on by dressing as a woman and being pegged with a strap-on penis like they're a woman, they *may* actually want to BE a woman. I mean, there is some possibility that he is transgender, but also doesn't necessarily mean that. May not mean he's gay either because transgender is just a gender identity, not the person's actual sexuality.

 

Some fetishes actually are only sexual fetishes though and nothing more. I was briefly dating a guy who told me he was completely straight but he had a HUGE sexual fetish about exactly the same things as your husband. He said he basically only preferred to date women who agreed to help him with his fetish, which was to dress up as a girl and be pegged by the woman. I'm actually not particularly into that either, especially not the dressing up as a female (no problem with it but I'm just not that turned on).

 

My current male partner of one year is bi-curious and he also loves to be pegged. I'm also not sure if it's just enjoyable to some men (regardless of sexuality) to be pegged because they have their prostate in the anus and apparently it feels really good. So this may also be the case with your husband.

 

In any case, I'm sorry to sound negative, but I think it's definitely an issue that you are so incompatible sexually. I'm not sure why you didn't know about your husband's fetishes prior to marriage, but either way this doesn't look good. I think that while some compromise in sex occasionally may be needed, but not to the point where you are really hating the sex and are disgusted. I think you've been very selfless to keep participating in sexual acts that make you miserable. You don't actually have to force yourself to do that though because sex has to be enjoyable and not "fake".

 

I understand that you truly love your husband and you really want to make your marriage work. So I think the first thing you should probably do is have a thorough discussion with your husband about all of this. I think you should be completely honest about your feelings and ask him to do the same. I think you really need to know what is happening for him with these fetishes.

 

You said that when you had "normal" sex, your husband couldn't get it up. I think you need to ask him why he thinks he may not be aroused by "ordinary" sex. Is it because he wants to be a female and can't get turned on by being a male? Or is it that he's actually just addicted to this fetish and therefore unable to enjoy anything else? I have a male friend with a diaper fetish. At one point he was so addicted to it that while we were out for dinner, etc., he told me he was wearing a diaper and then went to the toilet and masturbated over it. While we were supposed to be catching up having dinner! Don't underestimate fetish addiction because it CAN in some cases take over a person's life.

 

I think your first port of call is definitely your husband and also couple's counselling.

[Wiseman2]

Stop babying him. Stop doing things you "find disgusting" then being upset and throwing up. Never do sexual things that are a turn off, humiliating or completely unacceptable to you. Learn to compromise. You are ruining your marriage by being a doormat to the point of your disgust, resentment and almost bizarre babying and mother him.

[Thorntonater]

He is wearing women's cloths? RUN!!!!!!

[Tinydance]

He is wearing women's cloths? RUN!!!!!!

 

Well, just wearing women's clothes may not be a problem in and of itself. It's not an automatic reason to run. E.g. I'm open-minded and if my boyfriend wanted to wear women's clothes, I would accept it. The issue here is that OP is not turned on by this at all and is actually disgusted by it, which is not good at all. In that regard it's definitely a problem.

[Dramatically]

My husband let me know this fairly early in our relationship. We didn't actually start having sex until we were married. Before marriage, we would set aside time for just him, where I wouldnt really have to be as involved as now with sex and we would set aside time for me where he would just use his hands. So early in the relationship we had this my time his time dynamic. Which worked. We we're both virgins when we had sex for the first time. And the last 2 years of having sex....we've gone through 2 boxes of a 40 pack of condoms.....and I would say of those...we threw a bunch out because they sat in a 110 degree car for 2 days while we were on vacation in Florida. On average we probably only do it 2 times a month. This last month I was really pushing for more to try and find a common ground but it sort of...just stopped all of a sudden until he asked on Tuesday.

 

My husband is not gay. I know he watches porn where the woman is the dominator. He also only enjoys this in the bedroom. If he is not in the mood, these things are the farthest from his mind.

 

I also don't think I am a doormat. The things I do for him, I do because I love him. I try every day to be a good wife, and do things I think a good wife should do.

 

Divorce is also not an option. We both said vows and those are what we are sticking to.

[itsallgrand]

Why is divorce not an option?

Is it due to cultural or religious beliefs?

 

You are trying to force a square peg into a round hole. Your health and happiness is suffering due to it. He is who he is, you are who you are, and it's completely incompatible sexually.

[SherrySher]

If you're incompatible sexually like this, I think you've only got two options,

 

1.) You both go sexless while married

 

2.) Stay married but find other partners for sex that is more to what you both like in the bedroom

 

and I suppose there is 3...which is to continue on trying to force sex where neither of you are satisfied.

 

For what it's worth, OP, I don't think it was anything you did or how you are. This is how your husband more than likely always was. He would have been the same with any woman he ended up with.

[abitbroken]

Stop babying him. Stop doing things you "find disgusting" then being upset and throwing up. Never do sexual things that are a turn off, humiliating or completely unacceptable to you. Learn to compromise. You are ruining your marriage by being a doormat to the point of your disgust, resentment and almost bizarre babying and mother him.

 

I agree. I would insist on marital counseling.

If i were in your shoes, i would divorce and have the marriage annulled. but that's me.

 

Did he do these things before you were married or has he only wanted this since you were married?

 

If he did this all before marriage and this was your sex life before marriage - this is what you accepted and i don't understand why you got married- but either way - i'd run. You don't need to live like this

[abitbroken]

If you're incompatible sexually like this, I think you've only got two options,

 

1.) You both go sexless while married

 

2.) Stay married but find other partners for sex that is more to what you both like in the bedroom

 

and I suppose there is 3...which is to continue on trying to force sex where neither of you are satisfied.

 

For what it's worth, OP, I don't think it was anything you did or how you are. This is how your husband more than likely always was. He would have been the same with any woman he ended up with.

 

I think the other option is divorce. Let her find someone who genuinely desires AND respects her

[SherrySher]

Yes definitely, I agree, however OP said that's not an option she will consider.

[goddess]

Oh, dear OP. I cannot tell you how very sorry I am that you are going through this. My heart goes out to you. I also had very similar problems in that I'm more of a vanilla-type of person. Don't get me wrong, I am not a prude but what he wanted, IMHO, was so disturbing and, quite frankly, disgusting to me. My STBE bugged me for years trying to push me into partaking in his weird and disturbing fetishes. That said, he is entitled to like what he likes. I'm not saying it's wrong, truly, but it was definitely NOT for me. In short, he wanted me to be a dominatrix. I, like you, respected and valued my vows, especially the "for better for for worse" part. I wanted to make him happy and please him, so I tried really hard to do what he wanted. I dreaded going through some of the things that he wanted but I did them anyway to please him. I tried to compromise. I loved him unconditionally. Because I disliked doing these things, I would do them for about a month or so, then I'd stop. It was so hard to get back on track because I was so upset having to perform these weird things. That would really get him very upset. We would have talks about it and I would start up again. But, I would derail after a number of weeks. Back in 2012, we went to counselling. He initially wanted a divorce but I convinced him to seek therapy with me. It worked for a while.

 

Fast forward to 2015. I would do these kinky things but would derail after a number of weeks. I dreaded when he was home because he expected me to put together little kinky scenarios. I tried really hard but he would become frustrated/angry when I stopped. And, let's face it, if one doesn't like something, one resists doing it. I forced myself to do these things which made me so uncomfortable. I couldn't wait to get it over with. At one point, he suggested that he'd be in control of me and see how that worked out He would do things to me which, again, I did not enjoy. In fact, they were painful. I don't get my jollies that way. I would have black and blue bruises mostly on my butt and sometimes on my boobs. I allowed him to to that for a while, but after some time, I just couldn't do it anymore. Anyway, when I derailed, yet again, he got so annoyed that he said that "the next time this happens, I'm going to serve you with papers." Can you believe that???? That's one heck of a way to live. I either do what he wants (which was extremely important to him, apparently) or we get divorced. What an ultimatum!

 

Mid-May of this year, I had gotten ready to do a scenario for him. I called him into the bedroom. He informed me that he didn't want to do it He said he wanted a divorce! Mind you, we would have been married 29 years a week from today. Very sad. He simply threw me away. I wasn't worth the effort. He didn't appreciate my efforts. I was not happy and neither was he. I still cannot believe he dissolved a long marriage because of his sexual preferences. I should also mention that I satisfied him nearly every single night with a blow job. We'd have regular sex about 3-4 times a week. Not bad, IMO. He even had the nerve to write out a "to do" list of what he likes. Like I didn't know after all these years, right? AND, he wanted me to do something on the list every day for 10-15 minutes. Is he out of his mind?? He refused counselling this time. But, even though I was initially devastated, that's no way to live. I feel much better now. I am free. No more verbal and emotional abuse. No more disrespect. No more dark clouds hanging over my head.

 

I sincerely hope you don't wind up like me. Seek counselling first but don't condemn yourself to this sort of life. It's not worth it. You deserve a better life. Best of luck to you. . xx

[Wiseman2]

This is very odd for newlyweds. Why does he refuse to have sex with you, refuse to make you happy or satisfied and instead makes you indulge his weird proclivities? Is denying you any satisfaction and forcing you to be subservient part of the BDSM kink you both indulge in?

 

This problem is a lot deeper than you think. The lack of sex and intimacy is particularly disturbing. Was this an arranged marriage? Why did you go through with it knowing about his oddities? It seems to have gotten much worse after marriage.

My husband let me know this fairly early in our relationship. On average we probably only do it 2 times a month. I try every day to be a good wife, and do things I think a good wife should do.

[j.man]

It is what it is. No sense in musing over his sexuality. It's definitely not my cup of tea, but for many straight men, it's not about being a woman. It's about being humiliated. It's wearing women's underwear and clothing despite being a man, not for feeling like a woman.

 

Even if it were him being closeted in some way, fact is you wouldn't find it any more or less tolerable regardless. That question is pointless. Meanwhile, the obvious choice is obvious. It's not easy, but it's obvious. Even if he did suddenly and by some miracle drop it altogether, I highly doubt you'd ever respect him as a husband again.

 

All that's left is putting on your big girl pants and doing what needs doing. Book counseling if you think it'd do anything. But otherwise, I'm not sure what to tell you.

[abitbroken]

Yes definitely, I agree, however OP said that's not an option she will consider.

 

I was in an abusive marriage and divorced. I did not believe in divorce. it was till death do us part. He was the one who left, but still, if a man revealed himself not to be who he led you to believe he was -- whether he had a secret double life where he was a criminal by night, and upstanding man by day, had a false identity, was a drug addict and somehow hid it until you said "i do" -- this is all grounds for divorce and even an annulment in some denominations. you married under false pretenses. This is not about giving up - this is about PROTECTING yourself physically and mentally. If you continue to do all these things that are against the fiber of your being -- you need to get out becaduse he doesn't care. you are not a plaything he purchased. its not like he "suggested" something kinky and you didn't want to so he was okay with not doing it.

[Pockets]

My husband let me know this fairly early in our relationship. We didn't actually start having sex until we were married. Before marriage, we would set aside time for just him, where I wouldnt really have to be as involved as now with sex and we would set aside time for me where he would just use his hands. So early in the relationship we had this my time his time dynamic. Which worked. We we're both virgins when we had sex for the first time. And the last 2 years of having sex....we've gone through 2 boxes of a 40 pack of condoms.....and I would say of those...we threw a bunch out because they sat in a 110 degree car for 2 days while we were on vacation in Florida. On average we probably only do it 2 times a month. This last month I was really pushing for more to try and find a common ground but it sort of...just stopped all of a sudden until he asked on Tuesday.

 

My husband is not gay. I know he watches porn where the woman is the dominator. He also only enjoys this in the bedroom. If he is not in the mood, these things are the farthest from his mind.

 

I also don't think I am a doormat. The things I do for him, I do because I love him. I try every day to be a good wife, and do things I think a good wife should do.

 

Divorce is also not an option. We both said vows and those are what we are sticking to.

 

I believe his problem is pornography. It's an addiction. His sobriety will »default« his manhood and will view you not as a toy or a piece of meat, but as someone worth chasing and very desirable.