Text to dumper?

[MrWood]

I am the dumpee... LDR, saw each other at least one weekend or more a month. 2yr and a split (i did nc and she came back, breadcrumbs at 4 and 5mo, wanted to bet back after 9mo, we did... break again 1.5yr later)

Her mother had moved into her flat for the last 2 years, mom had no work and bad pension. She supports her mom. Moving to me scared her alot, leaving a job etc. She is Russian, lives in Moscow... always said she wanted to move (an American, I live in Finland), does not like Russian men, or her age guys. Seems she is living with a guy, went on holidays with him 1mo after break, I now think they live together (I think she does like him, he is not her type) after what seems I can tell was about 2mo after meeting him.

 

Getting back together the second time she said that ours was the natural relationship, something never to lose. She is 34, I am 52, her new guy is 39. My thinking is it a chance to get away from her mom, to build finances by sharing a place. She is the type to want children, but not actually do it ever. Most guys like her BF want to start a family at this time in life *has a home, good job.

She left as a ghost. I sent her things to her work address, and went NC for 6mo, and did not reply to her bday greetings she sent 3weeks after leaving. About 3 weeks ago I broke NC with "miss you in my life, us.. seems stupid", she replied crypticaly "Yes, Sorry please... You should go straight it’ll be great with you I was always sure and I am." which loosly translates to "You should go now, You will be fine and I always knew it and still do"

I am quite sure if circumstance was different we might be together. I wrote several letters I never sent, most about situation, her childhoood issues, leaving the door open and saying she can reach out and saying she needs to say"goodbye MrWood, forever", I believe she cannot say it herself.

here is the FB message I will send in a few weeks *FB is our open channel, I think its the best message I need for me to move on... tell me what the opinion here is...

 

"Hello NAME. No explanations or questions. I know your problems, current situation and choices... you can stop hiding and acting.

I dont hate you... but in your manner, my dignity required that I put you out. No matter the reasons, you are not in my life, not in my care, not my concern and not ready to be in my life.

Efforts to my goals in my future security and continuing success are mine and move on. Wish you to be a cheerful, confident and succesful woman in your future, and who you are happy with.

NAME, I believed in you... seems we all have battles ahead, some choices to make, wounds to heal and paths to create in life. I have no resentment or regrets in you."

 

I guess my hope is that she would feel comfortable (she has shame and guilt and thinks I hate her) to reach out when or if she is ever ready. I do not expect a reply. I am moving on (and did after the first breakup, had a new serious relationship but felt I could never give 100%, and went back to her... and might again)

[Wiseman2]

Hopefully you didn't send this. It is so condescending that it sounds more like sours grapes and bitterness that she moved on and found a man closer to her age and with the same goals as she has. It would be best to stay no contact so you can move forward and find more compatible local women.

[MrWood]

I havent sent it, was going to wait several weeks yet. Thank you for the input and I agree with you. Perhaps removing "I know your problems, current situation and choices... you can stop hiding and acting.

I dont hate you... but in your manner, my dignity required that I put you out. No matter the reasons, you are not in my life, not in my care, not my concern and not ready to be in my life"

(in her manner = going ghost and posting pics of travel to Greece she never mentioned just days after our last and normal conversation, there was no arguments or breakup fight/begging etc, I just asked her for address to send her things and she gave her work address, nothing after except a Happy Birthday 2 weeks later to which I never responded)

[SweetGirl28]

Don't do it. There's distance, two breakups, and a new man who she's living with and closer to her age.

If she wants to, she knows the door is open. She's choosing to stay where she is.

[MrWood]

Thanks SweetGirl28, I am quite sure she is only doing for ease and resources. She does want a much older man than her... etc. I just wanted a way to let her know I am moving on and wish her the best... close the door but not locked.

[SweetGirl28]

Thanks SweetGirl28, I am quite sure she is only doing for ease and resources. She does want a much older man than her... etc. I just wanted a way to let her know I am moving on and wish her the best... close the door but not locked.

 

 

You may believe that, but it doesn't even matter. What matters is what she's chosen for herself right now.

I prefer older men, but I stick closer to my age now. I may change that again. It depends on the man.

Then the age isn't a factor. It's who they are. So she's where she chooses to be. You don't need to let someone know you're moving on. That's what a break up is, both know the other is moving on. Or should be. And honestly why leave the door open? You're holding yourself back by doing that. When you heal from this you'll be thankful you didn't send that. Do not send that. Not now, not ever.

[Annia]

Whatever you do don't send that message. I know it's hard not to have the last word but it's best to let it go.

 

And if she goes for older men for their resources maybe she's not the right person for you and you dodged someone who could be thinking about using you for economical reasons.

[kbbcoop77]

Planning to send this several weeks from now means your obsessing about her..like there’s this countdown for this huge hammer (your message) to drop. If she has another guy it won’t have the effect your hoping for. I would stay no contact and stay busy, occupy your time so your not fixated on someone who’s 20 years younger, thousands of miles away, taking care of their mother and clearly has moved on. There’s plenty of other women out there

[JCSK]

Don't just remove some of it, remove all of it. Please, please do not send that message. Please realise the response to your post is unanimous for a reason. Look to the future now, you can't leave a door open that no longer exists.

[MrWood]

I respect and consider the advise, thank you. I wont know if I ever send anything. I have tried a different tact.. I feel I need to do this for myself to move on, I am not expecting nor desire a direct response.

 

"Hi. No explanations or questions.

I dont hate you, regardless the reasons. Wish you to be a cheerful, confident and succesful woman in the future, and with who you are happy and not to lose.

Seems we all have battles ahead, some choices to make, wounds to heal and paths to create in life. I understand your problems, current situation and your choices. I have no resentment or regrets and agree with what you had to do."

[Hollyj]

I cannot understand most of this. Please rewrite in complete words and sentences..

[SGH]

Thanks SweetGirl28, I am quite sure she is only doing for ease and resources. She does want a much older man than her... etc. I just wanted a way to let her know I am moving on and wish her the best... close the door but not locked.

 

Ho boy, you're just convinced you know better than her about what she wants and that's going to get you into trouble. Moving on means closing the door and locking it. Find someone locally who is not in a relationship with someone else. You'll save yourself a lot of trouble.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately she and her new 39 y/o bf and friends and family will only have a good laugh at this. This isn't to help you move on, it's to spew your scorn and ironically a vain attempt to get her back.

I dont hate you, regardless the reasons. Wish you to be a cheerful, confident and succesful woman in the future, and with who you are happy and not to lose.

Seems we all have battles ahead, some choices to make, wounds to heal and paths to create in life. I understand your problems, current situation and your choices. I have no resentment or regrets and agree with what you had to do."

[Andrina]

From an outsiders view looking in, this relationship never had a chance of success. Age gap relationships of 20 years have a 95 percent chance of not working out. And I never suggest getting back with an ex who dumped you. If they cared enough the first time, they would have tried everything in their power, including couples counseling, to fix whatever problems existed. And past behavior predicts future behavior. She dumped you once, and she repeated that with a second dumping. If you unlocked the door, she would eventually dump you yet again.

 

Finally, it's unethical to communicate in the manner you've suggested with a taken woman. And considering giving a woman who has already dumped you twice, another chance, speaks of your low self worth. Be single and work on your self-esteem or you will continue a pattern of dating high-risk women. Take care.

[MrWood]

Please keep beating me up, I need it. (btw, she does not know that I am aware she has moved in with a guy) I am somewhat determined to send/write something.

 

"Hi. No explanations or questions. I understand some problems, current situation and your choice. I can agree with what you had to do, no resentment or regrets. Take care and my best wishes to be a cheerful, confident and succesful woman in your future, with who you are happy and not to lose."

[jimthzz]

Time to man up and move on.

 

Never contact her again. As in NEVER.

 

Do not send any letters, no email, no FB messages, no phone calls, no Twitter, nada mas.

 

Refocus on yourself and your own life. She is not a part of it any more.

[Wiseman2]

What is the point of your sending this? What's your end goal?

I am somewhat determined to send/write something.

[MrWood]

@Wiseman2 - Mostly I know that her situation is, and will be temporary with dude. I know her, her fears and past. I guess by this I am saying to go on, no regrets. I think that she feels I am so hurt that she couldnt contact me if she ever decided to.

I know will stay NC after this, and continue to move on.

[bluecastle]

You asked to be beat up, so here goes.

 

You don't have much respect for this woman. The way you're talking about her? It's like she's a lost, inept child. You, in your mind, understand her better than herself. And you seem to want her to know that, but you're couching it in this fake-gentle emotional language of compassion.

 

But really what you miss is being the most important thing in her life, the rock, the anchor to her wobbly self.

 

And, sure, maybe some of that is even accurate. But it really does not matter. She is a human, capable of living, and that's what she's doing. Let her, because you know you two don't really serve each other.

 

Stop focusing on her, and start focusing on the much harder thing to look at: yourself. It's easy to obsess over the broken bird, harder to find the broken pieces inside yourself that triggers that obsession. But from the outside, that's what this whole thread looks like. It's not about a tragic Russian woman lost in life, but a lost American man. Own that, work on that, and you'll be free of this.

[reinventmyself]

Consider this: everything you want to send in a text, she already knows.

You're moving on, wish her well and there's the carefully constructed dig that gives away the fact that you are bitter.

It's ok. Break ups hurt. We often feel bitter.

But if you were honest with yourself this is merely an attempt to crack a door open that's being pushed closed.

 

Most people left behind often consider doing the same and those who care take our phone away to prevent us from doing so.

 

Just don't do it.

She knows how you feel.

[boltnrun]

You don't respect her enough to believe she knows what's best for her. That's very clear.

 

This message is an attempt to shame her into coming back to you.

 

I can pretty much guarantee she will show it to her current man. They may even have a big laugh over it. But what will NOT happen is her responding asking to reconcile.

 

And let's face it...EVERY SINGLE PERSON who insists on sending a "closure" message is hoping to reconcile, even if they won't admit it.

 

Don't do it.

[MrWood]

Thanks for all this input... and I see my double message now..

Continue to talk me out of it please, I have been with SoSuave since our first break, and really know where you are all coming from trying to help. Maybey I need it for myself, so I can grow and put it past me... i am still feeling the need however..

 

"Hi. I'm sure you made the right choices for yourself. I've no resentment or regrets.

Take care and wish you to be a cheerful, confident and succesful woman in your future, with who you are happy"

 

and I would be able to get this thing out of my head, and be very content to continue strict NC and persure my goals, career and life.

[boltnrun]

Still no.

 

People always think they aren't glaringly transparent when sending these messages.

 

You are hoping she reads the message and wants to reconcile. Period. Cloaking it under the guise of wanting to "wish her well" is not going to hide what you're really trying to make happen here.

 

Unless she's a complete moron (and if she was, why would you want her back???) she will see through you easily.

[Wiseman2]

Be prepared for her to block you after this. She has a bf and most exes block when they keep receiving unwanted contact.

"Hi. I'm sure you made the right choices for yourself. I've no resentment or regrets.

Take care and wish you to be a cheerful, confident and succesful woman in your future, with who you are happy"

[SweetGirl28]

Thanks for all this input... and I see my double message now..

Continue to talk me out of it please, I have been with SoSuave since our first break, and really know where you are all coming from trying to help. Maybey I need it for myself, so I can grow and put it past me... i am still feeling the need however..

 

"Hi. I'm sure you made the right choices for yourself. I've no resentment or regrets.

Take care and wish you to be a cheerful, confident and succesful woman in your future, with who you are happy"

 

and I would be able to get this thing out of my head, and be very content to continue strict NC and persure my goals, career and life.

 

Dude.......don't send that either.

 

It's been too long. If we're right after breakup, okay. I did something similar and got a reply 10 weeks later.

Let her go. She knows how to reach you if she desires to do so.