Controlling?

[tex22]

My Fiance is quite the social butterfly. He enjoys spending 1-2 nights out and about usually at his favorite bars in town or the bowling alley to hang out with his friends. I don't have a problem with this however all I ask of him is to let me know if he's leaving one place to another or if his plans change, and I like to ask him around when he thinks he'll be home. So to explain our situation, we have a 3 month old little boy and we both work during the week, sometimes he slacks a bit and doesn't help out with him as much as I'd wish, we both work, we're both tired but I end up doing all the grunt work most nights. So when he goes out he usually sends a text saying that he'll be stopping by the bar on his way home from work. Sometimes he asks if I have something going on(or stuff to get done) that he might need to be home with baby but sometimes he doesn't. Now that we have our son, of course I worry about things a little bit more. He'll "usually" get home around 9 or 10. But he thinks I'm trying to control him and change him by asking what time he's gonna be home. Baby starts his bedtime routine at around 8ish and it's nice to have help some nights so I like to know when I should expect him home. I like the stability so I don't have to wait around waiting for him to come home to know if I'm gonna have help that night or not. Sometimes I'll tell him I'll want him home around a certain to help out. He HATES that and freaks out saying I have him on a leash and he can't be controlled. All I want is to know when he's left somewhere/plans change and when he's gonna be home, is that too much to ask now that we have the little one?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. How long have you been together? How long have you lived together? He's not a freewheeling bachelor anymore, he's a father. You need to stop letting him step all over you and make him step to the plate. Stop enabling him.

 

Do not care for anyone except yourself and your child. That means he gets his own dinner, laundry, shopping, chores, errands, etc. Stop enabling him to be an absentee dad and a disrespectful jerk to you, whose partying is more important than his family.

 

Stop letting him intimidate you and dump everything on you with the "you're controlling" guilt-tripping bs. A guys night out here and there is vastly different than what he's doing.

He enjoys spending 1-2 nights out and about usually at his favorite bars in town or the bowling alley to hang out with his friends. we have a 3 month old little boy and we both work. he'll be stopping by the bar on his way home from work. He'll "usually" get home around 9 or 10.

[itsallgrand]

No, it's not too much to ask. It's part of being a family. My guy and I do as you are wanting with each other even without a baby in the picture. It's working as a team.

The fact that you have a 3 month old and he's acting like it's an imposition to be part of the team that is family - I'd be upset too! And such a waste when that family time is such a blessing.

[tex22]

We’ve been together 3 years now, lived together for 2 1/2. We’re honestly in a really rocky spot right now because of this situation. His excuse for not needing to tell me when he’ll be home is that “he is who he is and he’s not gonna change” which is really immature. And you’re right he’s acting like a single, childless bachelor and it’s ridiculous. He just makes me feel like I’m controlling? Honestly needed a second opinion because I really didn’t think I was asking too much. He ALWAYS knows where I am, when I’ll be home and what I’m doing. Not because he asks but because I think that stuff is important so I let him know. He’s not that absentee, he loves spending time with our boy BUT we’ll both be tired from work and he’ll just kinda lay on the couch on his phone or watch tv while I’m cleaning bottles, doing laundry, putting away clothes, giving him a bath etc... Thanks for your response I need to hear that.

[thealchemist]

I am a dad of two, and he just sounds immature and selfish.

 

Your child is both of your responciblities and he is dumping them all on you.

 

I had kids, now I can't do all the stuff I used to be able to, neither can my wife.

 

We make a point of giving each other rough equivelants on breaks.

 

If he gets this multiple times a week what do you get of free time to counter this?

 

If he gives you time and you give him time, it still matters when that time is.

 

Our familie's bedtime routine is one of the most busy times with our children, making my wife do that hardest part of the day involving children when I'm not even home seems unthinkable as a routine.

 

I don't know your dynamics in the relationship but it does sound off balanced, like most.

 

I do agree, telling him to be home by a certain time is not right either. He isn't your child that you should have to police to get any work out of him. It also very very rarely works.

[Wiseman2]

Stop pampering and enabling him. "He is who he is and won't change"? Then you need to change by not enabling him. Stop texting 'when he will be home', where is he blah blah. This enables and normalizes his bs further. Stop texting him. He's got you so focused on not texting when the problem is so much worse and larger than than. Is he a budding alcoholic?

 

In fact consider staying with family until he decides to get his act together and stop being "supermom". If he "is who he is" then let him be the bachelor party boy he wants and move out for a while. He's basically saying f-you I'll do what I want and you do all the crap, so who's controlling who here?

We’ve been together 3 years now, lived together for 2 1/2. we’ll both be tired from work and he’ll just kinda lay on the couch on his phone or watch tv while I’m cleaning bottles, doing laundry, putting away clothes, giving him a bath etc... Thanks for your response I need to hear that.

[tex22]

Unfortunately the family we live the closest to is his. They’re really supportive and know what an ass he can be in our relationship. My family is 2 1/2 hours away from us. He has always had issues with alcohol. I checked with him a little while ago just to make sure he’d be home with baby as I need to run out and check on our horses tonight and water them. They’re about 10 min away. He relied back that he was going to the bar with his brother after work and he can’t. He never told me that was his plan for after work saying “he just found out”. So his plans automatically over rule mine even when I checked in first.

[thealchemist]

Unfortunately the family we live the closest to is his. They’re really supportive and know what an ass he can be in our relationship. My family is 2 1/2 hours away from us. He has always had issues with alcohol. I checked with him a little while ago just to make sure he’d be home with baby as I need to run out and check on our horses tonight and water them. They’re about 10 min away. He relied back that he was going to the bar with his brother after work and he can’t. He never told me that was his plan for after work saying “he just found out”. So his plans automatically over rule mine even when I checked in first.

Unfortunate that this lazy, immature alcohol is your child's father.

 

As a dad I find his behavior abhorrent.

 

But I can't imagine this behavior is any different than how he has behaved these last 3 years.

[tex22]

Unfortunate that this lazy, immature alcohol is your child's father.

 

As a dad I find his behavior abhorrent.

 

But I can't imagine this behavior is any different than how he has behaved these last 3 years.

 

Honestly it’s not very different.

Of course he was better right after he was born but 3 months later..right back to the way things were before.

My fault for having a child with him I guess.

Wouldn’t trade being a mom for the world though.

[thealchemist]

Honestly it’s not very different.

Of course he was better right after he was born but 3 months later..right back to the way things were before.

My fault for having a child with him I guess.

Wouldn’t trade being a mom for the world though.

Many people fall into the trap of expecting something different from a person when they are in a different scenario.

 

Sad thing is, most people never change.

 

It is your fault but everyone has fault in their mistakes, that is just life.

 

Best we can do is learn from them and make the most of our current situation.

 

Speaking as a parent, you cannot maintain this.

 

You will drive yourself mentally unstable trying to be supermom to counter your lazy husband.

 

Then you will be insanely(yet justifiably) resentful towards him.

 

Which will eventually lead to a hostile environment for raising your child.

 

This is by no means a certainty, it is just so commonly seen on these forums that is is rather banal.

 

All you can do at this point for the well being of your sanity and your child's is to inform your husband that is is not an acceptable status quo and you are not going to enable his childish lack of responciblity.

[MissCanuck]

This guy was not ready to be a dad. His behaviour is immature and unreasonable when he's got an infant at home.

 

Unfortunately, you have some difficult decisions looming ahead of you.

[reinventmyself]

I like the stability so I don't have to wait around waiting for him to come home to know if I'm gonna have help that night or not. Sometimes I'll tell him I'll want him home around a certain to help out.

 

First off, you need to change your mindset.

You refer to the father as `helping' and it suggests you see yourself as the responsible party and the father just someone available (or not) to merely help.

 

It is equally both of your responsibility and the sooner you adjust to this way of thinking and dealing with him the better.

 

I remember when my kids were small, going by another families home to pick up something. The wife wasn't there but the husband was. He used the terms 'that he was babysitting his children while his wife ran errands' I lectured him. .but that's another story. He is not the babysitter!

 

You need to address this differently and by the sounds of it you'll likely get some backlash. But you will be a parent to this child for a lifetime and he either needs to adjust or step aside.

You can't be raising two children simultaneously.

Why does he do this? Because it works.

 

I remember when my kids were young and I would go on an annual girls trip. My ex would take our young sons in sit in a pizza parlor drinking beers with his friends. It would pretty much ruin my vacation. It was just a justification to take kids out and drink. I asked him how he would feel if he called home in the evenings I wasn't there but instead doing what he did. He went silent. He had the luxury of knowing that his kids were bathed and tucked in every night. I didn't.

 

It goes both ways. If you can't get his attention, hire a sitter a few times and disappear and see how he likes it.

[goddess]

Sorry to hear this. How long have you been together? How long have you lived together? He's not a freewheeling bachelor anymore, he's a father. You need to stop letting him step all over you and make him step to the plate. Stop enabling him.

 

Do not care for anyone except yourself and your child. That means he gets his own dinner, laundry, shopping, chores, errands, etc. Stop enabling him to be an absentee dad and a disrespectful jerk to you, whose partying is more important than his family.

 

Stop letting him intimidate you and dump everything on you with the "you're controlling" guilt-tripping bs. A guys night out here and there is vastly different than what he's doing.

 

Couldn't agree more with Wiseman2. He said it all!

[DancingFool]

First off, you need to change your mindset.

You refer to the father as `helping' and it suggests you see yourself as the responsible party and the father just someone available (or not) to merely help.

 

It is equally both of your responsibility and the sooner you adjust to this way of thinking and dealing with him the better.

 

I remember when my kids were small, going by another families home to pick up something. The wife wasn't there but the husband was. He used the terms 'that he was babysitting his children while his wife ran errands' I lectured him. .but that's another story. He is not the babysitter!

 

You need to address this differently and by the sounds of it you'll likely get some backlash. But you will be a parent to this child for a lifetime and he either needs to adjust or step aside.

You can't be raising two children simultaneously.

Why does he do this? Because it works.

 

I remember when my kids were young and I would go on an annual girls trip. My ex would take our young sons in sit in a pizza parlor drinking beers with his friends. It would pretty much ruin my vacation. It was just a justification to take kids out and drink. I asked him how he would feel if he called home in the evenings I wasn't there but instead doing what he did. He went silent. He had the luxury of knowing that his kids were bathed and tucked in every night. I didn't.

 

It goes both ways. If you can't get his attention, hire a sitter a few times and disappear and see how he likes it.

 

^This OP. You have to change your mindset and so does he. You are BOTH parents to this child. It's not about him helping you like he is an outsider and it's not about you keeping tabs or arguing with where he is at. Yes, he is a dad now, so things will be different for this rest of his life and he better get used to that yesterday. You are dealing with a manchild and you are going to have to get tough. Right now, he pitches a tantrum about a tangent that has nothing to do with the real issue at hand, you back off. Works for him. Stop backing off and don't get sucked into the argument he is spinning. This isn't about you being controlling, this is about him being a father and having a responsibility to his child. Period.

[Snny]

We’re honestly in a really rocky spot right now because of this situation. His excuse for not needing to tell me when he’ll be home is that “he is who he is and he’s not gonna change”

I would end the engagement, contact a family attorney and start filing for custody rights/child support if my partner ever told me this. Hell no. I would not tolerate that level of shenanigans.

 

He needs to change and start acting like a responsible parent, not some alcoholic frat boy.

 

Honestly it’s not very different.

Of course he was better right after he was born but 3 months later..right back to the way things were before.

My fault for having a child with him I guess.

Wouldn’t trade being a mom for the world though.

Please do NOT blame yourself for having a child. The problem falls on HIM.

 

What you need to focus on is you and your child. He’s not stepping up and is being a sh***y parent. When you got an infant at home, your buddies and bar hopping take a backseat for awhile until the kid is old enough to be self-sufficient (or you guys get a babysitter for one night a month and go out together). Bar hopping and partying with friends is too excessive when you got an infant.

 

He needs to grow the hell up.

[tattoobunnie]

I would give him a list and days and times he needs to be take care of the kid. You both work and should both have equal share of the responsibilities of the household and kid. Tell him, you don't care if he needs to go out. And that if he can't get his sh*t together in one week, you will have his clothes outside on the ground while he's out, and you are changing the locks. And mean it.

 

He's a dad first. I don't give a crap about his selfishness, and either should you. Time to grow the f up, or get the f out.

 

Don't be afraid to demand for him to be a partner.