Am I allowed to be upset?

[journeynow]

No one's feelings are ever unjustified and unfair.

I agree. It's expectations and assumptions that can sometimes be the problem.

[katrina1980]

 

I had an ex who had some anger issues. At any perceived slight he would feel incredibly upset/angry/hurt. This didn't just relate to me, it related to anyone who crossed his path - family, friends, acquaintances, boss. At therapy he learned to control the anger but... he always felt it. I cannot say his anger was justified. It absolutely wasn't. And yes they were also very unfair on other people who had to watch every little step lest it set him off. I remember when something would happen and he'd get so hurt and angry and people would say ' You're entitled to feel the way you do, if you feel it then its real'....and I'd be thinking 'No!...its actually completely not okay that you feel this huge way about this small small thing.

The same could be said of a jealous person who feels hurt everytime his ex speak with a man. These are more extreme cases but you get what I mean?

 

Actually charity, I don't think you're getting what Sportster and some others meant.

 

It was your ex's “right” to feel angry. We all have the “right” to feel whatever we feel; feelings/emotions aren’t “right” or “wrong” they just “are,” and we all have the right to them, even if they DON’T make sense to your partner or anyone else.

 

In your ex-bf’s case, what he did NOT have the right to do was lash out or act out because of his anger, I trust you can appreciate the difference?

 

His anger is HIS issue to deal with and he (or anyone) needs to learn how to manage that emotion, or any emotion, without lashing out and/or burdening others with them. And take steps to understand where it stems from.

 

This also includes their insecurities, anxieties, jealousies, expectations or any other emotion. Go for a run or something, learn meditation, call a friend, whatever it is, take steps to learn how to manage your emotions and expectations on your own, and refrain from lashing out at or burdening your partner with them.

 

And frankly for anyone to tell a person they do NOT have the right to their own emotions, again if those emotions make NO sense to that person, sounds extremely controlling to me.

 

No one has the “right” to tell another person what they should or should not feel in any given situation.

 

The therapist was correct, the best approach to someone with anger issues or a jealousy problem or any other negative emotion is to encourage them to take steps to understand where that negative emotion stems from and how to “manage” better – not tell them they were “wrong” for feeling it!

[charity]

Actually charity, I don't think you're getting what Sportster and some others meant.

 

It was your ex's “right” to feel angry. We all have the “right” to feel whatever we feel; feelings/emotions aren’t “right” or “wrong” they just “are,” and we all have the right to them, even if they DON’T make sense to your partner or anyone else.

 

In your bf’s case, what he did NOT have the right to do was lash out or act out because of his anger, I trust you can appreciate the difference?

 

His anger is HIS issue to deal with and he (or anyone) needs to learn how to manage that emotion, or any emotion, without lashing out and/or burdening others with them.

 

This also includes their insecurities, anxieties, jealousies, expectations or any other emotion. Go for a run or something, learn meditation, call a friend, whatever it is, take steps to learn how to manage your emotions and expectations on your own, and refrain from lashing out at or burdening your partner with them.

 

And frankly for anyone to tell a person they do NOT have the right to their own emotions, again if those emotions make NO sense to that person, sounds extremely controlling to me.

 

No one has the “right” to tell another person what they should or should not feel in any given situation.

 

The therapist was correct, the best approach to someone with anger issues or a jealousy problem or any other negative emotion is to encourage them to take steps to understand where that negative emotion stems from and how to “manage” better – not tell them they were “wrong” for feeling it!

 

Hi Katrina,

I do get what you're all saying, I just disagree. But I have also considered that I am a bit controlling so maybe you hit the nail on the head there. My ex used to 'take walks' and 'meditate' because he was feeling hurt/angry at some perceived slight at him. For me, it wasn't enough that he was managing the anger if I'm honest. Just knowing that my random innocent acts were causing him so much upset was enough for me to call it a day. Any how I don't want to derail OP'S thread but thanks for your input.

[katrina1980]

Hi Katrina,

I do get what you're all saying, I just disagree. But I have also considered that I am a bit controlling so maybe you hit the nail on the head there. My ex used to 'take walks' and 'meditate' because he was feeling hurt/angry at some perceived slight at him. For me, it wasn't enough that he was managing the anger if I'm honest. Just knowing that my random innocent acts were causing him so much upset was enough for me to call it a day. Any how I don't want to derail OP'S thread but thanks for your input.

 

Bolded, which is your right to feel and do as well! Even if I happen to think it's controlling (which you agreed with but I digress).

 

For me, whenever I feel anxiety, jealousy, anger, I have learned now to not even mention those feelings to my bf! NOT his problem to deal with, they're mine! And I deal.

 

So perhaps if your boyfriend did anything "wrong," it was actually telling you how angry he felt (I mean how else did you know about it?) - despite him not lashing out and instead choosing to go for a long walk or something.

 

Best to just keep to yourself, and deal. JMO on that of course!

 

And just to know, in the past, there were times I've allowed my anxieties, jealousies to get the best of me, I am no angel, trust me! lol

 

I don't lash out (not my nature) but I've done other things that reflect how I feel - like storming off, pulling back (withdrawing) which I have since learned are not healthy and rarely, if ever, lead to anything positive.

 

I have been taking steps to understand where those feelings come from and now whenever I feel anxious, insecure, jealous, hurt, anger, I DON'T even mention to my boyfriend!

 

I take a walk or do my yoga, calm down and eventually I realize that these feelings stem more from my own fears and anxieties rather than from anything HE had done.

 

Hope that makes sense - I am spending some time at the beach (with my bf) this week and the ocean does some strange things to my head lemmetellya -- it's all good though.

[j.man]

For me, it wasn't enough that he was managing the anger if I'm honest. Just knowing that my random innocent acts were causing him so much upset was enough for me to call it a day. Any how I don't want to derail OP'S thread but thanks for your input.

I mean, that's pretty much by definition him not managing his anger. Just because someone isn't screaming or hitting things doesn't mean they're successfully managing their anger, even if it's, relative to their previous conduct, progressive. Not being able to healthily internalize and cope with it to the extent it's present enough in the environment to toxify it fits well within that spectrum of failure.

 

Everyone has a right to feel some way. What I don't necessarily agree with many here on is the idea a feeling is inherently justified simply for being a feeling. This is why rationality is a thing. You shouldn't kick yourself for having a feeling as it's not conducive to anyone's interests, but you should definitely evaluate its qualifications once you've got it, and preferentially with an effort that extends beyond your subjective emotional perspective.

[katrina1980]

 

Everyone has a right to feel some way. What I don't necessarily agree with many here on is the idea a feeling is inherently justified simply for being a feeling. This is why rationality is a thing. You shouldn't kick yourself for having a feeling as it's not conducive to anyone's interests, but you should definitely evaluate its qualifications once you've got it, and preferentially with an effort that extends beyond your subjective emotional perspective.

 

Hey j.man, forgive me for being a bit "slow" today, I usually have no problem understanding your posts , but by the bolded, do you mean what I had said in my previous post?

 

>>"I have been taking steps to understand where those feelings come from and now whenever I feel anxious, insecure, jealous, hurt, anger, I DON'T even mention to my boyfriend!

 

I take a walk or do my yoga, calm down and eventually I realize that these feelings stem more from my own fears and anxieties rather than from anything HE had done."

 

[j.man]

Hey j.man, forgive me for being a bit "slow" today, I usually have no problem understanding your posts , but by the bolded, do you mean what I had said in my previous post?

 

>>"I have been taking steps to understand where those feelings come from and now whenever I feel anxious, insecure, jealous, hurt, anger, I DON'T even mention to my boyfriend!

 

I take a walk or do my yoga, calm down and eventually I realize that these feelings stem more from my own fears and anxieties rather than from anything HE had done."

 

I hadn't yet read your post before I submit mine, but very coincidentally, yep. That's precisely the idea.

[charity]

You shouldn't kick yourself for having a feeling as it's not conducive to anyone's interests, but you should definitely evaluate its qualifications once you've got it, and preferentially with an effort that extends beyond your subjective emotional perspective.

 

You have a way with words j.man

 

That's exactly what I am trying to say.

[thorough]

I honestly don't think it's unhealthy to spend a ton of time together if both people are happy. I'd be pretty upset of my bf told me he would be there and he forgot. Observe how he acts and if this continues happening, he isn't all that interested in you.

[Last Gentleman]

I honestly don't think it's unhealthy to spend a ton of time together if both people are happy. I'd be pretty upset of my bf told me he would be there and he forgot. Observe how he acts and if this continues happening, he isn't all that interested in you.

 

Everyone does what they want of course, but no some people are more independent and there is nothing wrong with that, you wouldn't be okay with such man it's also

fine, but saying this is then a case of being disinterested in the other, really no not everyone has to function like you do attachment styles vary and finding someone that

is the same style as you is usually key to a good relationship.

[Honeycomb8]

^ I don't think I'm super independent, but I do think it's vital that people have things to keep them busy and people to hang out with. If they make the s/o the center of their universe and spend all their time with them, it's just co-dependent imo.

[tclroku]

^ I don't think I'm super independent, but I do think it's vital that people have things to keep them busy and people to hang out with. If they make the s/o the center of their universe and spend all their time with them, it's just co-dependent imo.

 

I don't know why the word "codependency keeps getting used. Everything I said is being pulled to its extreme. Just because I was frustrated that he said he'd be there and then forgot does not mean I have no friends, no hobbies, no stress relief. and need him to function.

[Wiseman2]

Did he just blow it off altogether or show up late or drunk? Was he supposed to come by after work/happy hour or did you call him while he was there and ask him then? The thread title is worded strangely "allowed"? Whose permission do you need? Was there an argument when he didn't show?

I was frustrated that he said he'd be there and then forgot.

[Last Gentleman]

I don't know why the word "codependency keeps getting used. Everything I said is being pulled to its extreme. Just because I was frustrated that he said he'd be there and then forgot does not mean I have no friends, no hobbies, no stress relief. and need him to function.

 

Don't get defensive OP, people are just making observations not saying you are extreme, but even if you aren't codependent by character, it looks to me the end result is the same.

You say it here in the same phrase, other than your 80h a week job you have nothing but your BF, so of course you expect things of him that you wouldn't if you'd just be talking to

female friends or doing sport to evacuate tension, this is rather normal but puts a lot of pressure on him unfortunately.

 

Some women don't agree, but to me since it's more in your nature to speak about your feelings and the issues you face, only another woman will be as attentive to hear that and

help you process this as well as understand your struggles being a woman, no husband or BF will really be like this except for very rare exceptions. It isn't in the male mentality,

we mostly seek to fix things and do substantial stuff not just listen and not say anything, but reassure you.

I do think as soon as you accept this it'll make your life easier, mostly men want to protect and provide for their partner, of course we'll care about what bothers you, but never to

the extent that female friends will be able to relate to you.

And men also need their guy friends exactly for the same reasons, they will understand personal things we go through in a fashion women, might not be able to that's just psych

101, our decision making and thinking aren't the same between the genders, even if exceptions exists we relate better to our own gender it's no rocket science.

 

Therefore I suggest you find time to talk to some female, even if at work or your local coffeshop or anywhere, someone that will be able to empathize.

[tclroku]

Don't get defensive OP, people are just making observations not saying you are extreme, but even if you aren't codependent by character, it looks to me the end result is the same.

You say it here in the same phrase, other than your 80h a week job you have nothing but your BF, so of course you expect things of him that you wouldn't if you'd just be talking to

female friends or doing sport to evacuate tension, this is rather normal but puts a lot of pressure on him unfortunately.

 

Some women don't agree, but to me since it's more in your nature to speak about your feelings and the issues you face, only another woman will be as attentive to hear that and

help you process this as well as understand your struggles being a woman, no husband or BF will really be like this except for very rare exceptions. It isn't in the male mentality,

we mostly seek to fix things and do substantial stuff not just listen and not say anything, but reassure you.

I do think as soon as you accept this it'll make your life easier, mostly men want to protect and provide for their partner, of course we'll care about what bothers you, but never to

the extent that female friends will be able to relate to you.

And men also need their guy friends exactly for the same reasons, they will understand personal things we go through in a fashion women, might not be able to that's just psych

101, our decision making and thinking aren't the same between the genders, even if exceptions exists we relate better to our own gender it's no rocket science.

 

Therefore I suggest you find time to talk to some female, even if at work or your local coffeshop or anywhere, someone that will be able to empathize.

 

Not being defensive, simply stating that the advice seems to be based upon a more extreme version of what I write. Yes, I am able to manage my stress on my own. It simply was frustrating that someone I care about did not seem to prioritize me the way I thought he would. I couldn't decide if my feeling was rational so I came here.

 

And I have certainly never said I have nothing except my job and my boyfriend; I have said the exact opposite. I have friends, whom I see and speak to regularly. I work out 3 times a week. I belong to a gun range that I go to once a week. I go hiking every weekend. Please stop assuming based upon your friend's experience with her husband that I have nothing else going on. I'm fortunate in that I'm young and require very minimal sleep, so I am able to maintain a healthy work/life balance despite working a significant amount. It's a decision I've made while young so that I can reach a position where I can comfortably slow down once I choose to have a family.

 

And I never said I needed him to console me. Just wasted a distraction, and him there when he said he would be. I'm actually rather unemotional for a female, I've been dumped several times because of it. So please, I've read your other posts, enough of the stereotyping and patronizing.

[tclroku]

Did he just blow it off altogether or show up late or drunk? Was he supposed to come by after work/happy hour or did you call him while he was there and ask him then? The thread title is worded strangely "allowed"? Whose permission do you need? Was there an argument when he didn't show?

 

He showed up eventually. All is fine. I realized most of it was me mismanaging expectations and not communicating expectations well enough.

[LightWave93]

He showed up eventually. All is fine. I realized most of it was me mismanaging expectations and not communicating expectations well enough.

 

It's good that you recognize some improvement to be made on your end. A lot of people lack introspection.

 

Still, this does work both ways. Hopefully you can sit down and discuss it, demonstrate you understand your "fault" and how you plan to address it, and that he does the same. Then you move on, and have good times!

[Last Gentleman]

Not being defensive, simply stating that the advice seems to be based upon a more extreme version of what I write. Yes, I am able to manage my stress on my own. It simply was frustrating that someone I care about did not seem to prioritize me the way I thought he would. I couldn't decide if my feeling was rational so I came here.

 

And I have certainly never said I have nothing except my job and my boyfriend; I have said the exact opposite. I have friends, whom I see and speak to regularly. I work out 3 times a week. I belong to a gun range that I go to once a week. I go hiking every weekend. Please stop assuming based upon your friend's experience with her husband that I have nothing else going on. I'm fortunate in that I'm young and require very minimal sleep, so I am able to maintain a healthy work/life balance despite working a significant amount. It's a decision I've made while young so that I can reach a position where I can comfortably slow down once I choose to have a family.

 

And I never said I needed him to console me. Just wasted a distraction, and him there when he said he would be. I'm actually rather unemotional for a female, I've been dumped several times because of it. So please, I've read your other posts, enough of the stereotyping and patronizing.

 

Apologies I indeed missread the part about friends and family, then my point doesn't hold.

I'm not patronizing, if you do not want to hear ideas and suggestions that might annoy you, then why post here !?

I had some kind of similar career and said the same stuff as you, eventually nearing burnout, I'm just saying this to warn people, that work isn't everything but you do what you want !

 

You've projected many things ontoy my writing, sorry for missreading again, but I find your reply still a bit over the top !

 

Good that you talked seriously to him now and everything is clear.

[abitbroken]

If I were in your shoes, I would actually enjoy the fact that I had peace and quiet the night before this big thing - I could go to bed when I wanted to and early as I wanted to. I could go over things in my mind for the next day. I wouldn't have to deal with him feeling slighted if i did not want to have sex and therefore be up later than I wanted. If it was the night he does his happy hour, its okay for him to go home to his own place and sleep alone. Instead of asking him if he was coming over or not, I would have not called or I would have called and said "just calling to say goodnight. My big presentation is in the morning and i am hitting the hay early. I will call you tomorrow or see you and tell you how it went."

 

Anyway, its probably over and done by now.

[thorough]

Everyone does what they want of course, but no some people are more independent and there is nothing wrong with that, you wouldn't be okay with such man it's also

fine, but saying this is then a case of being disinterested in the other, really no not everyone has to function like you do attachment styles vary and finding someone that

is the same style as you is usually key to a good relationship.

 

I think the flaking out is the most upsetting. Plus I feel like if your partner really cares about you, they will come support you. My bf goes w/me to every event I go to, even if he isn't super interested, he goes to be w/me, I do the same. My ex on the other hand was very lukewarm to doing things together. Guys I dated who forgot important dates and events were the disinterested ones.

[abitbroken]

I think the flaking out is the most upsetting. Plus I feel like if your partner really cares about you, they will come support you. My bf goes w/me to every event I go to, even if he isn't super interested, he goes to be w/me, I do the same. My ex on the other hand was very lukewarm to doing things together. Guys I dated who forgot important dates and events were the disinterested ones.

 

One has to define what "support" means. If one is doing a solo in front of the Symphony - support is showing up in the audience to cheer you on. If its a big presentation at work and one is prepping for months -- what possible support should someone give? They can't show up to the interview or meeting and wave a flag.

[Annia]

They can't show up to the interview or meeting and wave a flag.

 

Sorry but this made me laugh lol

 

I have nothing valuable to add to what the others already have said and I'm sorry for going totally off topic but how does one work 80 hours per week and has time and energy to date and socialize, hobbies and etc? I work maybe max 40 hours per week and I already feel that days are short, I need more time or sometimes are just too tired. Just asking out of curiosity lol

[tclroku]

Sorry but this made me laugh lol

 

I have nothing valuable to add to what the others already have said and I'm sorry for going totally off topic but how does one work 80 hours per week and has time and energy to date and socialize, hobbies and etc? I work maybe max 40 hours per week and I already feel that days are short, I need more time or sometimes are just too tired. Just asking out of curiosity lol

 

Haha, pure luck that my body requires minimal sleep. I sleep for 4 hours a night leaving plenty of time for hobbies and socialization.