Guys Only Liking Me For Sex??? Why Does This Always Happen To Me???

[catfeeder]

Every time, I have felt best when I remember that (1) I have to validate myself. Check if I am using others for that purpose, correct it. (2) and, if I am doing #1, then I need not concern myself with the actions of others. It isn't about me, its about them.

 

Step 1 helps me conduct myself gracefully while keeping my boundaries strong. Step 2 reminds me not to internalize the actions of others.

 

It is a skill I need to hone and practice. Useful in non-sexual contexts too.

 

Yes, and when you can recognize that it's about them, not you, you can view intrusive staring as predatory behavior.

 

So, why would they single YOU out when you're among friends? Because it's the nature of any predator to identify the most vulnerable in a pack. If you stop regarding yourself as the weakest member of your pack, you'll stop behaving as the most vulnerable to predators.

 

Predators aren't necessarily attackers, they can be users. If your complaint is that you're tired of being regarded as someone who can be used, then consider this advice from Grandma:

 

"The problem is not that snakes will cross your path, they will. The problem comes when you don't respect yourself enough to avoid picking up the snake to play with it."

[IAmFCA]

Yes, and when you can recognize that it's about them, not you, you can view intrusive staring as predatory behavior.

 

So, why would they single YOU out when you're among friends? Because it's the nature of any predator to identify the most vulnerable in a pack. If you stop regarding yourself as the weakest member of your pack, you'll stop behaving as the most vulnerable to predators.

 

Predators aren't necessarily attackers, they can be users. If your complaint is that you're tired of being regarded as someone who can be used, then consider this advice from Grandma:

 

"The problem is not that snakes will cross your path, they will. The problem comes when you don't respect yourself enough to avoid picking up the snake to play with it."

 

Mad props to Grandma. May we all be so lucky as to know or be a Grandma with such wit.

[Amy721]

Update: I can honestly say that I feel much better from what happened with the previous guy. I've been feeling more confident and comfortable with myself this summer from spending close time with my friends and extended family, bike riding at the beach, yoga, and dancing. The only final thing I haven't completely done was to delete his number. I'm still not sure because although there was a lot crap between us in the past, I'm not the kind of person to hold a strong grudge over someone. Or maybe I'm being naive. Can someone please help lol

[SherrySher]

You need to stop focusing so much on your looks and why guys are or are not looking and if you are or are not attractive.

You are too caught up in that superficial nonsense.

You shouldn't be basing your worth on any of it. Change your focus.

 

Spend more time on bettering yourself (mentally and intellectually NOT physically).

Spend more time with friends, your hobbies, music, reading, dancing, etc. Looks are only a very small part of who you are and boys, especially those who only want you for sex, should be even less or nil.

You care to much about the wrong things.

 

As for deleting his number, it's not about holding a grudge, it's about being mature enough to know that this person is not bringing anything good into your life, so no need to keep his number.

Delete, move on.

[Pleasedonot5]

Walking around in a busy city with my earphones isn't a big deal though lol. Their stares are more obvious when I'm talking or handing out with friends.

Okay so not that. Maybe you have an annoying voice, or breathe weird?

 

I don't know because I'm not there. You'll have to figure it out. If you are not able to conclude that you're doing something weird, maybe lighten up and realize it's a "you're attractive" look.

[Amy721]

Okay so not that. Maybe you have an annoying voice, or breathe weird?

 

I don't know because I'm not there. You'll have to figure it out. If you are not able to conclude that you're doing something weird, maybe lighten up and realize it's a "you're attractive" look.[/quote

Okay, you've got to be kidding me lol

You're definitely right about not being here to know why they could be staring at me. But I can honestly say that I'm probably decent looking for them to be staring or maybe I look familiar to them because my look is pretty common where I am.

[Pleasedonot5]

Okay, well, you didn't give us much to go on, lol. Glad you reached the conclusion you were looking for.

[Amy721]

Okay, well, you didn't give us much to go on, lol. Glad you reached the conclusion you were looking for.

 

What?

And I haven't reached any conclusion other than the one I've already had. Guys can stare at blank girls too. Heck, they'll stare at anything.

[Jibralta]

Otherwise, you'll behave like a candle in the wind, and you'll be easily manipulated by the emotions this will generate.

 

Yes, indeed.

[thorough]

Most women have times in our lives when we attract unwanted stares from men. You can focus on this and derail yourself, or you can learn resilience by considering men who stare to be predators, and ignore them as you move your focus onto more productive things. Carry a TigerLady weapon if it would make you feel safer, and do whatever else it takes to consider superficial stuff less important than growing into your best Self.

 

Explore your interests, discover hidden talents, and find something to become passionate about beyond male attention. The right guy for you will have no trouble finding you when your self development is healthy and focused. Otherwise, you'll behave like a candle in the wind, and you'll be easily manipulated by the emotions this will generate.

 

Consider your angst as growing pains, and do the research or seek help wherever necessary to grow beyond it. You'll thank yourself later.

 

Head high.

 

I def had my fair share of this issue. I do not view men as predators, I would laugh off the situation and move on to dating another guy. Its extremely frustrating for sure, but someone nice will come in time. Sometimes it takes a lot of dating to find that one person who isn't shallow.

[catfeeder]

I def had my fair share of this issue. I do not view men as predators, I would laugh off the situation and move on to dating another guy. Its extremely frustrating for sure, but someone nice will come in time. Sometimes it takes a lot of dating to find that one person who isn't shallow.

 

In terms of the staring, we're not talking about private stares with dates, but rather unwelcome intrusions from strangers. We're also not speaking of predators as 'all' men, or even 'only' men, but rather as people of either sex who exploit the vulnerabilities of others for their own purposes.

 

We've been discussing two separate topics: one experience with a date who turned out to be a lousy match, and a general feeling of discomfort with strangers who stare. The suggestion was to avoid mistaking rude and intrusive behavior as the kind of interest that a reasonably self respecting person would be willing to encourage or engage.

 

One way to do that is to adopt the confidence of self care rather than the discomfort of self consciousness. Self care involves using caution while being resilient enough to pursue the kind of dating--and screening--you speak of. I agree that it takes a lot of dating to strike the right match, and so the goal is to reduce the frustration you mention by focusing on the most important qualities about yourself that you'll want to match.

[nutbrownhare]

Throughout life, most of us will get attention from others... some will be wonderful friends or potential partners, some will be weirdos, some will be abusers and so on. This is about them, not about us. The way to have healthy relationships is to be healthy ourselves, with a proper self-regard and awareness of our own boundaries. If you're staying away from guys for the moment, this would be a good thing to work on.

 

The reason for cultivating yourself before attempting to connect with anyone else is that it makes it very, very much easier to spot the potential of people around you. People have abusive relationships not because they've deliberately set out to do so - far from it, because most abusers are charming in the early days - but then they don't end the relationship when the signs of abuse start. If you decline to have sex with a guy, then he'll either stick around because he likes you as a person and respects your decision, or he'll be off to find someone else who will. Doesn't matter - you've asserted your boundaries.

 

What other people want from you says something about who they are, not who you are, and you're not obliged to take things any further than is comfortable for you. I recall an angry letter from someone who I'd told as gently as I could that I didn't want a relationship with him. He told me I'd never find a partner because of my "hands off" body language; this was instructive because, of course, my body language isn't particularly that way - but it was with him! And in a therapy group, I was talking about being responsible for my own actions and not being bullied by the needs of others... another guy in the group, a real nightmare game-playing cheat, told me that with my attitude it wasn't surprising I didn't have a man. What he meant was that I wouldn't have a man like him!

 

So my advice to you is to work on yourself, develop your self esteem and sense of self - and then you'll find you're far less vulnerable to people who mean you no good. This website has some really useful material on it: https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/

[thealchemist]

I have always seemed to attract woman who are a TERRIBLE match for me.

 

I have always been attracted to cute and sweet, genuinely good girls.

 

I ,however, have never attracted one. My wife is an awesome one, but I had to pursue her for nearly 6 months to show her I wasn't what most people assumed I was.

 

For whatever reason many people assume I am quiet loose with my morals. Even that I am a player or something. My wife says I just have a very devious look.

 

But I learned that how I am viewed by strangers is their failing, not mine. I am what I am, and over thinking how others perceive me is a waste of my time.

 

Even now, I am about to turn 31, have 2 children, have been with my wife for 14 years, have only ever had sex with her, I still end up having to cut people out of our social group for trying to start an affair with me. This latest woman seemed truly dumbfounded that I was not as much of a POS as her.

 

Make up your mind of what you want in a relationship and don't worry about all the people who can not meet your expectations.

 

Don't worry about how people look at you.

 

In all honesty, who stares at someone they find unattractive? Unless you have a 12 inch hump on your back and walk with a shuffle I don't it is malicious.

 

Stop getting so worked up about strangers.

 

The people who care don't matter, the people that matter don't care.

 

I have no idea who said that but it is one of my favorites.

[Amy721]

On this thread, I previously asked if deleting the guys number would help with cutting him off completely, even though I wasn't sure about it. So, I deleted it. But the thing is that now, he texted me yesterday asking how I was doing. It was kind of him to ask so I responded back. Call me stupid but with all the mess that happened between us, I'm still not going to hold a strong grudge. In fact, if we ever continue to talk again once school begins, I will only be cordial and friendly with him. That's how things were when we first met and not only that, he said he doesn't want to break contact with me in person. I hope I'm not being naive about this because after 2 months of not speaking to him, I managed to get over with the past between us. Most of it stemmed from meeting new people this summer, while doing a lot of activities with them.

[Jibralta]

Time will tell whether your decision is naive or not. If you end up sleeping with him again, you are probably naive.

[Amy721]

Time will tell whether your decision is naive or not. If you end up sleeping with him again, you are probably naive.

 

I never slept with him in the first place. I'm still a virgin and plan on staying that way. He just called to ask how I've been doing & how my summer's been going. The entire phone conversation was filled with nothing but sarcasm, playful teasing, and questions. Nothing sexual involved.

[Jibralta]

I never slept with him in the first place. I'm still a virgin and plan on staying that way. He just called to ask how I've been doing & how my summer's been going. The entire phone conversation was filled with nothing but sarcasm, playful teasing, and questions. Nothing sexual involved.

 

The title of your post is "Guys Only Liking Me For Sex??? Why Does This Always Happen To Me???"

 

I didn't realize this whole post was your psychological projection about what you think they might be thinking.

 

If you're talking to this guy again, thinking that he only likes you for sex, what are doing? Seriously. You are your own problem. You're like a dog who chases its own tail, then bites it, yelps, and then starts chasing it again only to bite it and yelp again. Repeat ad infinitum.

[SherrySher]

Can I be quite honest? I think you want the attention and enjoy it. I think you were hoping people would be telling you that he talks to you because you must be great or boys must be sooo in love with you they can't help themselves.

 

The bottom line is, Amy, you really need to stop being so boy crazy and worried about what people think and how you look. Change your focus.

 

Stop basing your worth on if boys want you or not.

[Jibralta]

I think you want the attention and enjoy it.

 

Yes, attention in general, not just from boys. Hence the cyclical nature of this thread. I gotta jump off this merry-go-round.

[Honeycomb8]

It happens to everyone. Just about screening guys and having standards lol. I don't really engage in sexual or suggestive talk though. That sounds the wrong message.