Guys Only Liking Me For Sex??? Why Does This Always Happen To Me???

[saluk]

These are a lot of good suggestions, thank you.

But honestly, I'm gonna try to forget about the guy and just in general. Someone also suggested that i don't but the last guy just caused so much emotional stress and pain for me. He's the first guy I've truly had strong feelings for ( or I thought I did). I'm sure he's already found some other girl to date or have sex with. Do you believe that the right person(guy friend or future significant other)can come along when you least expect it?

 

If you need to back off for a bit to re-calibrate how you feel about dealing with the opposite sex, that's totally reasonable. Sure, a good guy might come along when you least expect it, but I don't think you are in the right frame of mind right now to attract the kind of guys you want to. We get back what we put out, to a certain extent. You have to make room for opportunities as well.

[LightWave93]

Do you believe that the right person(guy friend or future significant other)can come along when you least expect it?

 

Personally? Yes and no.

 

You have to create an environment and be a person that attracts the right type of people. That requires active effort, then you can let nature take it's course.

[Batya33]

I think the opposite is true - if you’re desperate and needy you’ll attract the wrong kind of people. “Least expect it” is one way to describe how my husband and I got serious the second time around- but in reality it was because I was becoming the right person to find the right person. I believe in being proactive about meeting people from a perspective of confidence and wanting someone who can enhance your already satisfying and fulfilling life. Not because you need a relationship - need can be a factor but not the main focus. Make your own destiny.

[Amy721]

That makes absolutely no difference. You keep it going. You get so wrapped up in the sexual interest of someone who has no intentions of a relationship, and is honest about it, so you miss those that would date you.

 

You need to increase your standards to a higher level. If a guy isn't committed to you, he isn't sleeping with you. And after a while you'll find your guy.

 

Sorry if that stings - I say it with the intention of helping you.

 

It's okay.

I'm just going to try to forget about him completely. I saw him during 4th of July and I wanted to spit, literally.

And one other thing, should I do something if some guys continuously stare at me for a long time? This happens a lot when I'm out alone or with friends, and I just wanna go up to them and ask "why are you looking at me like I'm some kind of freak show? Lol

[Pleasedonot5]

It's okay.

I'm just going to try to forget about him completely. I saw him during 4th of July and I wanted to spit, literally.

And one other thing, should I do something if some guys continuously stare at me for a long time? This happens a lot when I'm out alone or with friends, and I just wanna go up to them and ask "why are you looking at me like I'm some kind of freak show? Lol

Do you agree that it's YOU allowing the non-ideal situations to continue? And that you could prevent these if you raised your standards. Judging by the stares/number and frequency of suitors, you're probably pretty attractive. It's ok (and probably better) to be choosey.

 

When they're staring, you're either doing something extraordinarily socially unacceptable, or more likely they find you attractive. If they're being obvious about it... sure it may be an ego boost, but depending on how they're doing it it could be considered rude. If they're locking eyes with you every once in a while, it means they're either being friendly or showing interest. If you find them attractive, give them a smile. If not, politely look away.

 

I'd say if they're looking at your body and being obvious about it, that's pretty rude - try to ignore or show disinterest.

[Amy721]

Do you agree that it's YOU allowing the non-ideal situations to continue? And that you could prevent these if you raised your standards. Judging by the stares/number and frequency of suitors, you're probably pretty attractive. It's ok (and probably better) to be choosey.

 

When they're staring, you're either doing something extraordinarily socially unacceptable, or more likely they find you attractive. If they're being obvious about it... sure it may be an ego boost, but depending on how they're doing it it could be considered rude. If they're locking eyes with you every once in a while, it means they're either being friendly or showing interest. If you find them attractive, give them a smile. If not, politely look away.

 

I'd say if they're looking at your body and being obvious about it, that's pretty rude - try to ignore or show disinterest.

 

I only asked because the constant staring makes me feel self-conscious and ugly. Not a single one of them ever said hi or approached me. The staring occurred for over 5 months during my spring semester. I know I'm not hot or sexy but definitely not repulsive. My friend thinks that they're hesitant to approach me because I always look sad and bothered but inside, I'm just thinking about a lot of stuff as I'm walking or listening to music with my earphones.

[Pleasedonot5]

I only asked because the constant staring makes me feel self-conscious and ugly. Not a single one of them ever said hi or approached me. The staring occurred for over 5 months during my spring semester. I know I'm not hot or sexy but definitely not repulsive. My friend thinks that they're hesitant to approach me because I always look sad and bothered but inside, I'm just thinking about a lot of stuff as I'm walking or listening to music with my earphones.

You have not yet responded to my questions. Why not?

 

Men get nervous too - I often give "I'm interested glances at someone but never approach because they aren't reciprocating the interest. Are you giving them a slight smile back?

 

Or potentially are you doing something disruptive or socially unacceptable? What do you think it is?

[Amy721]

You have not yet responded to my questions. Why not?

 

Men get nervous too - I often give "I'm interested glances at someone but never approach because they aren't reciprocating the interest. Are you giving them a slight smile back?

 

Or potentially are you doing something disruptive or socially unacceptable? What do you think it is?

 

I'm sorry, but what question. Please, refresh my memory.

But to answer on smiling to them, I never smile because I don't know the exact reason as to why they'd stare at me. I don't know what they're thinking. Also, I dont think Im ever doing something socially unacceptable in public for them to look for a long time. I'm usually walking, with my earphones minding my own business.

[Pleasedonot5]

I'm sorry, but what question. Please, refresh my memory.

But to answer on smiling to them, I never smile because I don't know the exact reason as to why they'd stare at me. I don't know what they're thinking. Also, I dont think Im ever doing something socially unacceptable in public for them to look for a long time. I'm usually walking, with my earphones minding my own business.

Do you understand that you allowing less-than-desireable relationships to continue is the problem? And if you set higher standards for yourself (like not settling for a FWB when you want a relationship) is a solution to the problem?

 

Well are they giving you more of a "wow you're hot stare" or a "wow she's weird" stare?

[Amy721]

Do you understand that you allowing less-than-desireable relationships to continue is the problem? And if you set higher standards for yourself (like not settling for a FWB when you want a relationship) is a solution to the problem?

 

Well are they giving you more of a "wow you're hot stare" or a "wow she's weird" stare?

 

Yes- to answer your first question. I won't ever settle for a fwb, but it seems like thats what I attract(well previously).

To answer your second question- I don't think I look weird enough for them to stare for a long time. There's been a few instances where I wanted to go up to them and ask because they make the staring so obvious. Do guys typically stare at ugly girls?

[Jibralta]

Do guys typically stare at ugly girls?

 

Despite your complaint that guys only like you for sex, you seem quite preoccupied with the way that you look. Four pages of advice on how to avoid guys who use you for sex, and you still return to your looks.

 

Have you considered the possibility that you are accepting attention from these guys because it makes you feel pretty?

[Amy721]

Despite your complaint that guys only like you for sex, you seem quite preoccupied with the way that you look. Four pages of advice on how to avoid guys who use you for sex, and you still return to your looks.

 

Have you considered the possibility that you are accepting attention from these guys because it makes you feel pretty?

 

The preoccupation that I have with my looks is only because of the constant stares and looks I get from guys. Girls and women never look at me the way they do.

And yes, I will admit that sometimes, I get flattered by way the guy would compliment me but not anymore.

[Wiseman2]

Hey guys look at girls, girls look at guys. Try to get a handle on the paranoia. Don't walk up to guys asking "what are you lookin' at?". It sounds like a scene out of the move Taxi Driver. Just turn away and carry on.

The preoccupation that I have with my looks is only because of the constant stares and looks I get from guys. Girls and women never look at me the way they do.

[Jibralta]

The preoccupation that I have with my looks is only because of the constant stares and looks I get from guys. Girls and women never look at me the way they do.

 

You know, I never asked you why you were preoccupied. I only pointed out the fact that you are preoccupied. Interesting that you justified it. It obviously means something to you.

 

And yes, I will admit that sometimes, I get flattered by way the guy would compliment me but not anymore.

 

^This is the main thing. Hopefully you will learn to get past it. But your justification of it makes me think that you might still value that sense of worth, false though it is.

[Amy721]

You know, I never asked you why you were preoccupied. I only pointed out the fact that you are preoccupied. Interesting that you justified it. It obviously means something to you.

 

 

 

^This is the main thing. Hopefully you will learn to get past it. But your justification of it makes me think that you might still value that sense of worth, false though it is.

 

I'm already past it now. I haven't talked to that guy in a month and I feel relieved. I'm honestly going to give up on even talking to guys now because I just want a break. My aunts and older female cousins have been telling me to not worry about them since age 17 and now I see why. I can accept that I'm not physically attractive and no guy telling me I am will change that feeling.

[Jibralta]

I can accept that I'm not physically attractive and no guy telling me I am will change that feeling.

 

See, now a statement like this actually reinforces my impression. It looks like an attempt to fish for reassurance. Like you want someone to swoop in right here and tell you that you are physically attractive. I never take that bait; if you want to believe your'e unattractive, enjoy. My policy is to let people dangle in their insecurities because I really do think they need to be faced.

 

But anyway... Maybe I'm right in my observation, and maybe I'm wrong. But if I'm right, we're all just wasting our time here.

[IAmFCA]

I'm already past it now. I haven't talked to that guy in a month and I feel relieved. I'm honestly going to give up on even talking to guys now because I just want a break. My aunts and older female cousins have been telling me to not worry about them since age 17 and now I see why. I can accept that I'm not physically attractive and no guy telling me I am will change that feeling.

 

What is not attractive is using dating as a way to get validation that we are physically alluring.

 

There are plenty of people who find loving and satisfying relationships who are physically inconsistent with common definitions of attractive.

 

If you decide you are unattractive, you will be. If you decide you are attractive, you will be.

 

None of us is attractive to everyone.

 

Success at dating comes from within.

[saluk]

I can accept that I'm not physically attractive and no guy telling me I am will change that feeling.

 

You are incredibly attractive. There are some things about living in this world as an incredibly attractive young woman. One of the things that happens to incredibly attractive young women in this world is that guys come looking to them often to first compliment them, and then see if they can get in your pants. This unwanted behavior you have been experiencing is the result of being an incredibly physically attractive young woman. You may be surprised, because perhaps other women have not told you that you look attractive. Two things: 1) woman and men find different things attractive in women. So a woman's opinion of your looks is only half of the story. 2) women who DO think you are attractive might feel insecure and wish they were as attractive as you, and not tell you so. They may figure you get those comments enough and don't need to get a big head about it.

 

Your aunts and older female cousins have told you not to worry about boys. My hypothesis would be that they have told you this because they know you are incredibly physically attractive, and they know that incredibly physically attractive young women will have a lot of boys trying to sleep with them. Knowing that you don't have to do anything you don't want, and can turn down a boy who only wants to sleep with you, is a good asset that I'm sure your relatives would want you to have. Because incredibly attractive young women do need to beware of these boys and learn how to protect themselves. Unless you just want to have sex too.

 

There are boys out there who don't only want sex. It is not bad to take a break, think about what you really want, and focus on building yourself up. But when you go back to it, you have to have some confidence girl! You gotta accept who you are - a physically attractive young woman who knows what you want. An emotional and physical connection where both you and your partner are invested in the relationship. And don't accept less than that.

[Amy721]

You are incredibly attractive. There are some things about living in this world as an incredibly attractive young woman. One of the things that happens to incredibly attractive young women in this world is that guys come looking to them often to first compliment them, and then see if they can get in your pants. This unwanted behavior you have been experiencing is the result of being an incredibly physically attractive young woman. You may be surprised, because perhaps other women have not told you that you look attractive. Two things: 1) woman and men find different things attractive in women. So a woman's opinion of your looks is only half of the story. 2) women who DO think you are attractive might feel insecure and wish they were as attractive as you, and not tell you so. They may figure you get those comments enough and don't need to get a big head about it.

 

Your aunts and older female cousins have told you not to worry about boys. My hypothesis would be that they have told you this because they know you are incredibly physically attractive, and they know that incredibly physically attractive young women will have a lot of boys trying to sleep with them. Knowing that you don't have to do anything you don't want, and can turn down a boy who only wants to sleep with you, is a good asset that I'm sure your relatives would want you to have. Because incredibly attractive young women do need to beware of these boys and learn how to protect themselves. Unless you just want to have sex too.

 

There are boys out there who don't only want sex. It is not bad to take a break, think about what you really want, and focus on building yourself up. But when you go back to it, you have to have some confidence girl! You gotta accept who you are - a physically attractive young woman who knows what you want. An emotional and physical connection where both you and your partner are invested in the relationship. And don't accept less than that.

 

Are you a guy or girl typing this because I honestly don't know how to respond to this message. It's very kind and thoughtful, though. About women and men finding different physical traits attractive, you're right on that. I know I'll get groaned for this again but the guys within my experience had very questionable tastes. I legit look like baby-faced 5'6 stick with legs. My friends hate when I talk about my looks but its not that serious to the point where I want cosmetic surgery. I just don't look mature.

[Pleasedonot5]

Everyone attracts that at some point. You should filter out those guys if that's not what you're seeking. Don't allow yourself to get so attached without some intention/commitment.

 

Are you huffing and puffing or walking super fast? Like I said, if you're doing something socially weird, people will look.

 

Either that or you're attractive. Up to you to determine which one it is.

[Amy721]

Everyone attracts that at some point. You should filter out those guys if that's not what you're seeking. Don't allow yourself to get so attached without some intention/commitment.

 

Are you huffing and puffing or walking super fast? Like I said, if you're doing something socially weird, people will look.

 

Either that or you're attractive. Up to you to determine which one it is.

 

Multiple people have said that I walk super fast, and have asked if I run track because of it, lol. It could be that, but the looks are only from guys. Have also been told that I look shy, and that's about it.

[Pleasedonot5]

Multiple people have said that I walk super fast, and have asked if I run track because of it, lol. It could be that, but the looks are only from guys. Have also been told that I look shy, and that's about it.

Could be weird/interesting to see a girl in headphones walking super fast.

[Amy721]

Could be weird/interesting to see a girl in headphones walking super fast.

 

Walking around in a busy city with my earphones isn't a big deal though lol. Their stares are more obvious when I'm talking or handing out with friends.

[catfeeder]

Most women have times in our lives when we attract unwanted stares from men. You can focus on this and derail yourself, or you can learn resilience by considering men who stare to be predators, and ignore them as you move your focus onto more productive things. Carry a TigerLady weapon if it would make you feel safer, and do whatever else it takes to consider superficial stuff less important than growing into your best Self.

 

Explore your interests, discover hidden talents, and find something to become passionate about beyond male attention. The right guy for you will have no trouble finding you when your self development is healthy and focused. Otherwise, you'll behave like a candle in the wind, and you'll be easily manipulated by the emotions this will generate.

 

Consider your angst as growing pains, and do the research or seek help wherever necessary to grow beyond it. You'll thank yourself later.

 

Head high.

[IAmFCA]

I am grateful for the several posts that raised up the issue of unwanted attention. I had forgotten about that whole dynamic, and I have wrestled with it in various contexts.

 

My exH had to deal with it too. Decades ago, newly married and living in a neighborhood known for its homosexual community (then, it was a distinct thing... now, does anyone even care?), my then-H would get unwanted attention. He went through stages same as I had, and about which I had long forgotten: being curious/validated/confused (huh, maybe I look good/wait, did I like that?), being angry (ewww. leave me alone), being uncomfortable (is it me?), being manipulative (let me ask, I will get a discount), then being over it.

 

It is different when as a woman one sometimes feels as if it is a constant invasion. The exH didn't have to deal with it everywhere he went.

 

I went through those stages as a teen and young adult, then again more recently as a single professional woman in a male environment. Every time, I have felt best when I remember that (1) I have to validate myself. Check if I am using others for that purpose, correct it. (2) and, if I am doing #1, then I need not concern myself with the actions of others. It isn't about me, its about them.

 

Step 1 helps me conduct myself gracefully while keeping my boundaries strong. Step 2 reminds me not to internalize the actions of others.

 

It is a skill I need to hone and practice. Useful in non-sexual contexts too.